“The Best Revenge is Massive Success” -Frank Sinatra

We broke up last Tuesday. My heart was effectively broken. But… deep, deep, deep, deep, deep down, I knew that maybe, just maybe, we were not a good match. That little voice in my head is starting to be such a stupid, little know-it-all. But she is right. I just wish it did not sting so much.

I have been keeping busy since last week. I also am still jobless since the beginning of September 2019, sooooo I have a lot of time to just be sad. This week, I have been more productive than ever. I am going to just… study. I don’t want just another job. I want to have skills that will build up, not constantly become broken down every day. So I am going to just be the very best I can be. I will mooch off of my parents and my hard-earned savings until I figure it out.

I don’t want to go into another relationship for a long time. Seems like these “nice guys” are just as destructive as the bad boys. I don’t understand them. They loosely use “I Love You” like it’s something that is meaningless. I just can’t do it anymore. I am starting to feel like guys are scared of me. Not fearful of my fist but fearful of breaking my heart. I cannot look into some guy’s eyes and see truth. I am too disillusioned to feel real love for a significant other at the moment.

I am just going to focus on myself and “make it.” I got time. I got no kids. I got smarts. I am ready to tackle on the world. My new mission is to make the world see its stupidity and to be smarter and more advanced. It’s a heavy mission but I want to be part of the solution. The world is making people too comfortable. People need to feel safe and also be aware of the world around them. Wealth is happiness not endless money. I just want to show people that fact that I know all too well.

These past months of my joblessness were a good thing. You know what I did? I watched TV all day. I ate bad food all day. I did chores. I overcame my ptsd from my last job. I was able to reset my mind and realize what I want to feel. I was able to set up myself for a calmer outlook on my future. I was able to get to a point of happiness. I got to a point of endless days that feel like Saturday. I was able to think about my health and what I wanted out of working out. I was able to see the truth in the lies that the world tells us. I was able to overcome my self-humiliation about being a jobless, talent-less loser. I have looked back in my life and realized that I should’ve spoken up more and called people out. (The dumb, loud ones get all the attention.) I learned how to say “no” to people. I am busy. Deal with it dummies. I still struggle with friends and prioritizing my time over the demands of others. I had realized that I do not ever want to deal with clients. There are other people for that.

There are so many things that I learned. Most of it honed my observation skills. I realize that nothing is over unless you fight for it. Whether it is returning a purchase from seven years ago or seeing that you are being discriminated. Knowing which is which and how to deal with these things was what my parents could not teach me. You learn these things on your own. There is no one that can have the same experiences as me. I will always remember the time in high school when a friend asked me what a “skyscraper” was despite my brain freaking out about how she did not know this yet. Or the time in twelfth grade, and my teacher called me out about how I did not know the meaning of “non sequitur” at my age. Some things were just never learned. You learn every day. It’s how to deal with a situation that makes it a normal day of learning or an embarrassing issue. I was humble enough to tell my friend calmly what the word meant without her feeling dumb. However, my English teacher opened his eyes wide and repeated the word and then dropped a heavy dictionary on my desk. (I was currently taking test. I was embarrassed) I would have preferred the first treatment to the second.  You live and learn. One person cannot have all the information that you have. Deal with it and always be a humble teacher to others.

If I start today, I can be a great success. I will show up those people that thought I was not worthy of friendship because of their own issues. I am just a person who wants to be loved, just like anyone else. I just want to show the world how normal I am. I am not special. I am just a regular person who wants a regular life. But the positive life, not the negative kind. I don’t wanna deal with baby daddies or a heroin addiction. I want to see my mistakes and be humble enough to help the people around me, as well as myself.

I am still looking for jobs, but I am being picky. I won’t just say yes to anything that will give me a good paycheck. As I enter my thirtieth year of life, I want to do what I WANT to do. No one will make me feel sad. No one will make me feel stupid. No one will make me feel lonely. It’s just want I want. Selfish 2020 will be an interesting year. Every day, I want to hide in my house and ignore people. I want my full attention to be on learning and knowing as much as I possibly could. I have even been thinking of never having kids. Too much pain with a partner would be in my future. I just know it. Although there is happiness in children, I just cannot see a man in my future who would be kind, sincere, loyal and trustworthy. There is no one else (non-romantically) that can make me grow. It’s just something that I understand to be true at this point in my life.

Other than my TV addiction, my phone addiction is coming to light. I have deleted many social media apps and have also put my phone on vibrate or mute ONLY. I cannot have the ring of an app or phone call make my brain salivate for the need of human communication. There is no one that does not live with me that I don’t need to immediately need to hear from. That’s a blessing to know. A regular person will hear from me in my own time. They need to respect me. They do not already respect me. Not how they treat me right now.

So there it is. It is me against the world. I need this. I want this. I do not want to have others make this a problem for me. To those who are used to me messaging back right away or being that listening ear: I am not in this to serve you any more. I do not care about your feelings or about your schedule. Be a friend who will make my life better, not worse. Please do not be another heavy thing that I need to carry. Understand my feelings. Understand that I cannot go on as how I used to be. I feel too broken, too empty and too angry to deal with you. Get back to me later when I have my own life settled.

Truth. Success. Humility. Responsibility. Perseverance. Failure. Defending intelligence.

It is all I want to do now.

 

“Smile!” An Adult Braces Story

Hey there.

Guess who got adult braces today? I DID! I went in for a cleaning and my poor ass walked out with a full set of mouth metal. Man, do I feel late to the game. Either way, I am happy that I have done this. My wallet isn’t, but this whole jobless thing of mine needed to get interesting. My health will be first priority. Money will be no expense to my health and happiness. Plus, if I do things right, I will only need the braces for a year. I was planning a year of not working so this is the perfect time!

My mouth has a tingle I know very well. I am an avid “mouth picker” (is that the word for when you like to scratch your gums when you are nervous or bored?) and this will help. I hope it goes away soon because I don’t need that urge to scratch my gums all the time. I have always had a favorite spot to pick my teeth and it is on the upper left and the gum line as well as the upper jaw has changed so much, it causes me concern. (Ironically not my dentist) I just want it to stop. I hope that the tingle goes away soon so that I may not think about it anymore.

I have recently been thinking that my smile has been suffering because of the crowded bottom teeth I have had all my life. There is a tooth that has a little part of it sticking out as though I shaped it into a sharp needle by grinding or biting or something. Bizarre. I know. Either way, I was not about to have that make me self-conscious about the only thing that I thought others, including myself, thought was great. I was going to fix this. No matter the cost.

Another thing that I am fixing is the skin and hair picking. I have started wearing press-on nails and they inhibit me to fully feel the damaged hair and nervously picking at it. I think it has been successful the past three days, but I need to keep up the fake nails in order to make this work. I am hoping that the incessant urge to pick the left side of my mouth with also stop the urge to pick the hair on the left side of my head.

Here’s hoping.


 

In other news, I have been dealing with slowing my friendships down. My goal is to go one month not seeing a single friend and to focus on myself and my needs. I was recently put into a position with my family that I had to help out, and I figured that even though I was glad I was there to help, I shouldn’t be doing things for people anymore when I was upset the whole time. I don’t want to deal with family at the moment either, if I could help it.

I will get the hang of pure selfishness, and I will also get a hang for coming out of it. You can’t expect to be a crutch for others if you, yourself, are breaking down. I want to be a stable person for someone one day who will do the same for me. I just need to get my shizz together.

Best,

The Human Girl

Freedom

Freedom. What is it?

Currently, my freedom is being jobless. That’s right. Jobless. Truth be told: I do not hate it. Sure, I don’t contribute anything to society now, but I will. THAT much I know.  I quit my high stress job at the end of August. Truth be told, I still have nightmares that I am still working there. I know that anyone else would be happy with even having a job, but I just hated it. I liked my coworkers, but the work was unbearable.

So lets get back to the topic: Freedom. Freedom is knowing that you have some money in the bank while you figure things out while living with your parents at almost 30 years old. I sometimes feel like a spoiled little loser for thinking that but, to be honest, I am trying to just reevaluate my life while I have this last vacation of doing whatever I want. I have already learned that money isn’t everything, but it helps. I enjoy my friends’ company rather than receiving gifts from them. To create is rewarding. To learn is rewarding. To be able to explain something is rewarding. Knowing how to connect with people will only get you so far but talent in your work is worth a little something. Struggle is figuring out how to be confident in yourself and your actions. I am still struggling. I am a leader who has been told to follow her whole life and now I am a broken-down car on the side of the road: has potential but is currently useless.

I am coming to terms of my uselessness but I am also trying to praise myself for trying so many things in the past few years. I have had many jobs to see if I LIKED something. I have not yet, however. Nothing has made me feel whole or with purpose. Not teaching, not healthcare, not even counseling. I keep telling friends and family that I will get into tech and coding, but I think I just say that because I just need something to say. I like the allure of the tech industry but I hate the idea of the “industry” part. I want to part of something that I, alone, want to build up. I want to sacrifice everything for an idea I believe in, not just half-ass it. School has taught me to half-ass a lot of subjects that seemed pointless or uninteresting. Sure I did well, but it taught me that things come easy if you put in only a little work. THEY DO NOT. I repeat: THEY DO NOT COME EASY. This is because you have to be the one to keep challenging and motivating yourself to see if your best has a next step. One masterpiece just makes you a one hit wonder and you don’t want to be the person who keeps talking about how you were the shit in high school twenty years ago. I have been so used to complacency. I have fractured what I want out of life and I feel like I am figuring everything out like a teen about to go to college.

I have this last shot, last freedom, to do right by me. I have to ignore all the bad things about how I am the typical millennial, no good almost-30-year-old-loser talk, self-critical thoughts, and listen to the good things about me in order to follow the right path. I need to be positive now more than ever if I am to dig myself out of this hole I placed myself in.

I am not saying that I need the perfect job or the ultimate work-life balance, I just need to be happy with myself, my job and my decisions. I don’t want a big home (too much of a hassle to clean). I don’t want a million-dollar car (unless a lambo was a generous gift). I don’t need to be able to walk into a fancy jewelry store and get the biggest diamond available (why put weight on my workless fingers?). I would wear the same shirt of the rest of my life if that were possible (this is sooo true). I just want happiness in myself. I want a cozy place to call home and a spouse that gets me. I want hobbies that will entertain me and make me an interesting person. I want to be able to give back to society without a single person knowing who I was. I want to be able to have a kid without hyperventilating about the cost or about the societal danger of raising a child in today’s world. I want people around me to help tell my child that what she/he is doing is wrong and not think twice about how to jump in and stop bad behavior responsibly. It really takes a village. I want the freedom to change the world around me and not be down when something “bad” is in the way of “good.”

Freedom. People have died for this concept, both psychologically and physically. I understand how lucky I am. But I as understand my failures to getting this happiness thing that I want. No use repeating the past. I just need to build on what I lack, even when some old, know-it-all with all the past generations of luck and opportunity demean me. I can only move forward. I can only improve on my past. I can only keep a positive outlook on life.

It’s better than not trying at all.

Alone

I have been doing things that I cannot speak of. I have been saying things only to have them come back to me. I have been treating the people around me badly. Now all I have is silence and resentment.

You came into my life. I treated you kindly at first, but then not so much.

It’s a cry out into the world. “I want to be alone, but don’t know how!” I am silent.

It’s an emo subject but it is also very relevant. I cannot wish to make you like me anymore. Just leave me be. There is no one I can have a conversation with. Only small talk. Every day is full of fucking small talk. I cannot stand it.

At work, I feel like an outcast. More small talk I am not capable of.  They never get my jokes anyway… I just want them to leave me alone and to give me the answers I need. Stop talking about your personal problems like I care. It’s just time you waste not working…

How do you tell people that you are not okay? How do you tell them that you are so alone that you want them to go away? How do you tell them that being with them is a chore? How do you tell them that you are happiest when you spend the shortest amount of time with them? Do you secretly hate them? Do you carry resentment that is not there? Do they bore you? Do they make you want to do things that you dislike? Do they remind you of someone or something in your life that you hate? Do they make you feel lonelier?

“Yes.”

Then there is no making you happy then. You cannot even surround yourself with people that help lift your spirits. You are not capable of seeing past yourself. You are not capable of fully loving and understanding a fellow human being. You are just there to accept what people throw at you and to not reciprocate. You just want to be alone because people just want you to be theirs and not yours. You cannot physically be alone because of them. You are tied to your phone – where many of them are. These short term relationships are taking much out of you and you cannot stop. You won’t stop until you find someone to confide in. Someone who is capable of being there for you. You wanted this since you were a school-aged child. You cannot find it no matter how hard you look. Perhaps too picky. Perhaps you are just destined to be alone and all this wanting is making you crazy. It’s just supposed to happen when you least expect it, right? Bullshit. It has never happened. You just end up knowing more people who make you feel alone and foreign.

Presents and gifts are meaningless. I just want time. Time that I can pretend to get back on waiting for you for so long.

If I disappear, I will be in the company of myself. It’s not personal. Or maybe… it technically is. It’s one of those, “I love you, but I need my space now. Leave me alone.

 

 

Two Weeks Notice

I applied for this job back in April and they called me last Wednesday to ask if I still wanted the job due to one of their employees leaving to be closer to home. I was thrilled. It was a job I still wanted and made an interview for the next day.

Yesterday, I was extended an offer. I finally was able to give my two weeks to my current positions. At my first job, I am with a company that I have serious mixed feelings about and now, I am finally able to leave. My second job was something that I just started on the 1st. It was much harder to give him my two weeks.

I am now flooded with pride and opportunity.

This is what I want this job to be like:

  • Just a job. I don’t want to feel bad for nobody. I don’t want responsibility of someone else’s feelings.
  • Full-time. I can now brag that I have an adult, full-time job with overtime benefits. I also have the chance to move up within this new company.
  • Money-maker. I want to save up money for big things. School, food and travel to be specific.
  • Experience. I am unsure about the corporate experience, but I am excited that this will introduce me to some of it.
  • Insurance. More specifically, health insurance. I no longer have to worry about where my health insurance is coming from.
  • A stepping stone. More money, more experience, more responsibility. All will give me more direction to where I want to go (Wherever that may be). I am happy about this because I know that this may be something I don’t want to do, but due to the overwhelming benefits of this new job, it outweighs whatever I am doing right now. I am okay with that.

 

P.S. No more cockroaches. No more babysitting seniors’ smoke breaks. No more blatant misguidance or lack thereof. Just Adult Work.

My Stupid Near-Death Experience

BACKSTORY: Yesterday, I worked for 10 hours straight. I just got a new side job this week and have not really adjusted yet. In few words: I was tired. However, I needed to drive an hour out to my best friend’s house for her birthday. My gift included chocolate and since it has been 100+ degrees out I had to keep it in a nondescript IKEA bag I took indoors to both jobs. I had to juggle uniform -> professional dress for both jobs- changing my shoes and shirt in the short 15mins between them. I got stuck in a Taco Bell drive thru so that was really 2mins of changing time. Both jobs had their stresses and challenges that day, so by the end, I was kind of mentally drained.

The ride to my friend’s house was fine. I drove over 90 for some of it. I could not believe the amount of slow or distracted drivers on the road. I had my music, A/C blasting unusually cold and was feeling okay.

THE EXPERIENCE: I was almost there. I had found and missed a potential parking spot. I decided to make a U-turn on a small busy street that turns out was too small to do a U-turn, but decided to try it anyway. A single green light, no arrows to tell you when to make a left. You need to wait for all oncoming cars to pass before you can make a left turn. I didn’t. My brain did not register this. The street was really too small to make a U-turn and I needed to BACK UP to finish making it properly. This is were I saw the guy on the motorcycle flip me off and then did a wheelie down the street. This is where I looked in my rear-view mirror and saw the traffic I had stopped. I just couldn’t believe it.

AFTERMATH: I was lucky I did not get hit. I was lucky no one (especially the motorcycle driver) did not get hurt. I cried for a while after my friend’s party. It just eats me up that I put so many in danger for something I did that was so preventable. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have had the careless behavior of an idiot driver? I like to drive fast. It just makes me feel alive sometimes. Makes me feel like the free and open road is all mine. I feel like driving so fast before this incident was definitely a factor into my driving habits. Whenever I drive tired, stupid shit happens. But my problem is also that I do not like to drive slow. I do not like driving in the lane everyone passes by. I do not like inefficient slow habits, like driving slow in the faster lane. I took a good hard, look at my driving habits. Will I ever change this? One of my only favorite things to do is to drive fast or at least drive on a road all alone. I am still shaky. I am still in disbelief. I am still upset at myself.

No more U-turns…. on that street near my friend’s place.

 

P.S. Sorry to all who had to witness the stupidest driver in history. Sorry to the motorcycle guy who almost hit me. I understand that it was reckless, stupid and dangerous. But the scariest part was, I didn’t know it at the time… Easily the mother of all accidents.

 

Fast Heartbeat

When the world stops, it makes you think. How could I have been better? How could I have changed things? In reality, you would do it all again. I am not a person to say that change is the best. But I am a person to think that I am not good enough for new change.

My heart has been beating fast for a while now. It won’t stop. Am I making the right move? I do not know.

Is this stress? Worry? Heartbreak? Did I do something wrong? Am I doing the right thing? The wrong thing? Are these questions I will always ask myself?

My mind is like a hive of bees. Constantly buzzing. Constantly building. Constantly rushing in and out. I ask myself many questions. I ask myself if there is something wrong with me… I ask myself what I deserve and how much of it do I deserve.

I think of myself as lowly. I cannot do anything of great importance until I have changed that. I know…

I want to know that I can prove myself. I want to see that I will try hard at something. That doesn’t come without discipline. That doesn’t come without surrounding myself in that world.

I like to goof off. I like to relax at home. I like to think that I can take it easy because my squishy body really enjoys it. But I am too young to live like a retiree. I crave the home life but I have certainly failed the professional side of life. What would happen if I had kids? How would they respect me if I just think a television program is more important than they are? I would be horrified. I want my kids to be the most important thing in my life. I want my work to come in second. I want these things and yet, I am unable to prove that I deserve it.

I need to stop crying.

 

A Sweet Voice

There is a time that there will be a sweet-talker in your life. They will call you “honey,” “sweetie,” “love,” and you will feel a tinge of comfort. However, I usually feel uncomfortable if someone who is not my grandmother has calls me any of those things. I hate these words in the professional setting.

I recently got a side job and hated it. I put no work into it and just got off a phone call about my lack of efforts. Boss lady was no longer using “love” to talk to me. When the phone call ended, I felt like she should have expected this terrible behavior from me. Her business is disorganized and I felt like the office girls looked down on me. She was the only nice person. I don’t feel as bad as I normally would. They didn’t even pay me on time nor did they know where I lived. I spent so much money to get into this job and I barely broke even when I left. I have never felt more like a person on strings slapped with sweet talk. I need out of this game.

It is what it is.

Bad Worker: Secretary

Assistant/Secretary

The 9-5 has gotten Jen. Jen is a young secretary at a small business. Most of her days are filled with lazy hours of nothing. Some days she can be busy, maybe some hours but mainly she works hard for an accumulative 2 hours out of her 8-hour day work day. When she first started, she was a recent grad who didn’t know what she wanted so she applied to any joy with a salary. When she first started working, she was excited and naive. She thought that she could be the best secretary in the world. However, her boss wasn’t as keen to her ideas as much as she wanted him to be. He would tell her that her ideas were time-consuming or a waste of company time. He would tell her that it didn’t matter to update certain processes and make them electronic. He would tell her to stop imagining a system for employee lunch breaks because it has “always been done this way.”

Her first job experience was crushing. She just started to become bored and disillusioned with people and working. She started to be on her phone during business hours just to past the time. She would spend her days making playlists of her favorite music and buying things online. She increased her typing speed by 10 words per minute. After a while, she started to ignore decorating her space for the holidays because the boss did not seem to ever be in a holiday spirit nor did he celebrate major holidays. The office was small – 4 people other than her. She felt alone. Everyone was much older than her and did not seem to care about her life. She applied for jobs online that offered any type of benefits because the current position did not. She could not get another job because she was either over-qualified, under-qualified or just lived too far away. She felt stuck in a town that was in the middle of nowhere where there were no other jobs.

Months turned into years. She was bored. She tried online classes at work but every time she needed to test, something at work would always come up and she would get reprimanded for not doing work and just playing online. Either way, she did not know what she wanted to do with her life. Her interests would change almost as soon as she was ready to spend major cash on a path she wanted to pursue. She was worried. Why was she not able to be interested in something long enough to pursue it with hunger and motivation? Was she going to be stuck at this job forever?

End.

 

NOTES: Life is enough of an inspiration to this writing.

The World Shows A Smile

Leonardo_da_Vinci_-_Mona_Lisa

That smile.

When the world shows a smile, you examine it. A smile can mean a lot of things nowadays. Kindness, happiness, deceit, a brave face, a fake face, a habit, or even at a dentist checkup… All types a smiles to be fluent in. But when the world shows you something intimate, it all but takes a second to figure things out. Is this a genuine smile or a fake smile? How can one tell the difference?

There is not way to tell the difference between the two without practice.

However, when the world shows a genuinely kind smile, it is foolish to look away. It’s the kind of smile that brightens your day. The kind of smile that makes to feel like there is good in the world. The kind of smile you have always deserved, but haven’t seen in a while.

In some countries, a smile is a sign of weakness. But I see it differently. A smile shows beauty and compassion as well as kindness and friendship. It is definitely a habit I show, even when the situation does not traditionally call for a smile. Should you regret a smile?

Health and happiness. Deceitful and fake. The world can show many smiles.

End.

NOTE: This post was inspired by Mike Shinoda and his Instagram account with photos of him smiling. Just wanted to mention how his smiles are awesome. I only wish to have that many photos of me in such a positive disposition. He seems so happy it is almost contagious. I want to believe that they are happy smiles… and I do.

Thanks Mike Shinoda.