Stat

A working mind can only deal with emotions in a particular way. Sadness comes through a thought that seems to not be able to sustain itself properly. At first, a babble or a whine seeps into the air. Second, a wave of waterworks seems to start, cutting an eyelid painfully. Thirdly, realization of acting like a child makes a person repeat the first two steps.

When a there is no promise. No way of a dream. No soothing words or lies… I only have dark thoughts.

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~~~~~Over-Qualified~~~~~

It has been a while since I was able to get an interview. I spent a good chunk of time researching the company and studying on how to give interview responses. I was in the room for less than five-minutes before she told me that I was “overqualified.” That was a load of bull because she meant that I was too expensive. I am pretty sure she wanted a single person to do both Admin Assisting and Social Media crap for like $14/hr. I didn’t ask. I don’t think I wanted to ask how much she wanted for this job. I am supposed to be moving up and she seemed so big in her head that she was willing to waste my time. All the prep in trying to get this job- wasted. All the ideas on how to help this person increase her social media traffic- wasted. All the time I spent worrying if I was going to do great and at least feel like I had a chance at this job- wasted. The office was small and eerily quiet. The CEO seemed busy and concerned about herself. A dog ran out of her office and she practically yelled at me to not touch it because it was a rescue. My hand wasn’t even near this allergy machine. I guess employers don’t have any courtesy when it comes to people who travel a long distance, take their work day off just to travel somewhere to only be asked one question: How much do you want? And dismiss instead of telling the truth which is that they want someone to be cheap and do the most work………

Note to self: This learning experience has taught me that I should ask for how much the position is, if it is not listed online. I would prevent a whole day of lost wages, disappointment and lowered confidence.

Follow Your Guts: A Probiotic for Emotions

I am gonna have to make this decision. I am the one who has to do it.

I am ashamed of myself. While we were watching the Korean Drama, Black, I felt myself be annoying. I don’t know why. I LOATHED myself. But I continued to do the same thing over and over. I kept TALKING. I could not stop. The whole time, I felt this bad attitude come out of me. I mean, I was not bad bad, but I did not appreciate myself for my negativity. But I did not stop.

I have been told that I am too hard on myself. I have been told that I am very self-aware. I have been told that I can be negative.

All true?

This is how I currently view myself:

I am a woman/girl who has failed at finding a full-time job in life. I ruminate on all the bad things that happen to me. I prefer my privacy and cannot be in the company of some people for too long. I love television to the point that it has rotted my brain. I am not self-aware and I make mistakes often. I do things I feel like I should not be doing. I treat people poorly sometimes. I give my friends priority for my free time over my family. I am negative because I am trying to “see the truth.” I suspect that I am doing poorly at my current job but no one tells me so because they are either scared of me or feel sorry for me. I put up with my significant other when he tells me what I am doing wrong and take it very personally because I feel like no one has the guts to tell me I am doing something bad or wrong like he does. I have lost a great amount a weight this year with self-control and I view it as “too slow” or “I should have done this sooner because my body looks wreaked beyond natural repair now.” I am always gonna be the fat girl no matter what setting I am in. I feel very stupid and I am doing some things a stupid person with no morals would do. (Self-Fulfilling Prophecy, I guess) I am in denial of whether or not I need professional help, because in my past experience, no one helps me in the way I need help- They give me a sour face and tell me to go somewhere else or to figure it out on my own. I don’t see myself as ugly and I don’t see myself as beautiful- I feel anyone who accuses me of either adjective is wrong. I can’t go back to school because I will screw up and have to pay thousands for a degree that I end up not liking.  I am scared.

I hate this fear.

 

It is consuming me. I bury myself into a deeper, darker, more emo hole. I have not grown. I have not matured emotionally. I cannot succeed.

 

And yet, my instinctive solution is to run away.

I cannot run away. I will not change in this way. I need to fix the view of myself I already have or else I am doomed to just repeat my mistakes everywhere else I go in the future.

 

First things first, I need purpose. A purpose to live life.

I think that if I get a permanent, full-time job as an adult, that is a measurable count of success. Losing 50 pounds is a measurable count of success. Having daily conversations with people where I don’t feel like a complete idiot is a measurable count of success. Feeling like I know things and can teach them effectively is a measurable count of success. Knowing everything about my job and doing it with happiness is a measurable count of success. Not second-guessing myself in front of my significant other is a measurable count of success. Proudly thinking that my routines and contributions that I make every day is a measurable count of success. Being able to speak in an eloquent, clear way so that my speech and writing are positive is a measurable count of success. Persistence and not quitting so often is a measurable count of success.

What is worth it enough to where I can be happy? What will fill in all the gaps?

If I can do something that can change the course of the rest of my life in a positive way that should be the start of a successful future. They say that you need to be constantly uncomfortable when you are learning something new. But once that feeling is over, you get to be comfortable again. Comfort is not always a good thing.

23andme Results!

So I just got my 23andme results today!

It said that I was mostly from the Middle East and Africa. It was interesting because I thought I had more Balkan/Southern European in me because of how white I looked. Turns out that the 1.4% Balkan/European I did have in me most likely gave me my appearance. I only say these things because people from the desert or Africa have darker skin, which I do not have, so I just made those conclusions. At least I know now.

It was strange on some parts of the report because I seem to be the opposite on some of the responses that others have reported. The test said that I can be more likely to get celiac disease or age-related macular degeneration. But those are nothing compared to the big bad health stuff. I will take it with a grain of salt and not freak out over it. If anything, my Keto diet is prefect with celiac disease. So I am waaay ahead of the game if I develop it anyway.

Kinda nice to know a little bit about my genes. Now you know too.

The Middle of a Horrible Thought

I have a decision to make.

It will not come lightly.

The decision must come soon.

I must be absolutely sure.

I go through ups and downs. I am tired. I am naive. I am losing thoughts and memory. I float due to my incompetence and ignorance. I am not that lazy. Yet, people who appear dumber, uglier and more displeasing than me walk through life with no problem. Why do I say shallow things? Because the world is tough. The world is a game of survival of the fittest and the world just needs one thing for you to be successful: Sureness.

The word itself seems like a normal word. It is not considered beautiful. It is not considered smart. It is not considered offensive. It is just a word.

I am looking for a brand. A personal brand for myself. A smart person told me that I needed to have a something in my personality that spoke to my actions. I need an organization. I need a goal. It is silly and selfish to just float through life with no impact on the world around you. From what I gather, the world needs me to do something. The world needs me to feel something.

I have broken ties with some of the things I have felt strongly about, because it was not something I was proud about. How can someone be proud of watching movies and TV shows and always forgetting the content? It is also not something to be proud of for yourself. I am looking for my niche.

“No one seems to get me.” “I don’t like other people.” “The world is getting too big for me.” “I am getting left behind.”

All fears.

Another smart person told me that I am too hard on myself. I have always wondered if that was a bad thing. I need to be hard on myself or some things in my life won’t get done. I have felt this way for a long time. I was just born this way.

How can I change this?

By doing. By feeling. By talking. By learning.

I look at my shoes in embarrassment because the answer is always so simple. The environment I am currently in, is just safe. I am learning nothing. I want to learn, but I feel like it’s too late. A brain fog comes over me and rains on my face saying, “You have become a mushy-brained forgetter. Stop it. If you try, you will fail.”  I know this is not true. But I listen to the wet demon.

My mind is split into all the ways that The Bell Jar split that poor girl. The fruit of all my dreams falls and rots at my feet. I just sit and watch.

When I was younger, I was more ferocious in telling myself that I would not end up this way. But years of sadness and indecisiveness have led me here. My one regret was going to school and not fighting for my own decisions hard enough. But I want to be someone with no regrets. This will never happen because I know if I had another chance, the same things might happen.

It is a waste of time to think of the past.

It is a waste of time to write of the past.

And yet, I continue.

 

Where is it?

I can’t find the happiness. I have officially completed a milestone set on my Warren Buffett list. In the past two months, I have lost 20 pounds. Today was my official weigh-in but I have had this knowledge for the past two days.

But, where is the happiness I should be feeling?

I have done something that most would consider to be an accomplishment. But I am not happy. I see the changes clearly. I feel the changes daily. But I have a long way to go. The fact that I was physically able to gain 20 pounds in a month two years ago says that I cannot control myself. I am unable to put my sadness or disappointment into a healthy outlet. Stress has also been a factor in weight gain this past year. It wasn’t as quick but it affected me just as poorly.

I am not saying that I am in any of these positions. In fact, I am no longer full of stress. However, there are the days where I feel like the weight loss journey is not going as fast as I would like it to and that itself depresses me. To lose so much weight and still only look slightly different is heartbreaking sometimes. I keep going though.

I have a lot of encouragement around me. I do not like talking about it with my family because I don’t like answering their questions, but I am more open with close friends. My family doesn’t have the best track record with encouraging me or trying to help me in the past. So I associate them with bad memories. There is one memory of me starting out on a diet in High School and my mom comes in and out of nowhere starts telling me that I was fat and I needed to lose weight. I was more sensitive back then and I was more full of anger. For me, that of all times to talk to me, it had to be when I was just starting out and struggling. It was upsetting. She didn’t even offer to help me, just berated me for being fat. Sometimes I feel like thoughts like that are what helped me become a spoiled American kid.

Today, my family knows I am on Keto. I don’t think they know what it is, but they congratulate me on my visible weight loss. I just accept that from them. It’s not negative and as long as they don’t ask me questions that I cannot emotionally handle coming from them, I am okay.

Anyway, back to the title question: “Where is it?” The milestone is important to me, but it means that I am one-fifth of the way there. There is still so much that I need to do.

What is there to do? Well, I need to exercise more. I have indeed seen a pattern in my weight loss trend. I don’t lose anything every other week or so. That said, in order to prevent plateauing so much in a month, I must incorporate heart-pumping workouts. That is my solution. I have also been interested in the plantar fasciitus in my left foot and getting rid of it. I am going to focus on that more lately. I can’t do HIIT workouts if my foot is in pain most of the time.

I am proud of myself but I am not happy. I think that will come with time when I am able to juggle more things.

Energy of Worry

Current weight lost: 17 pounds

I am THIS CLOSE to my first 20 pound goal. All this hard work will come to fruition later when I finally can see that scale change to a number I have lost over a year ago. THREE MORE. Just THREE MORE. Hopefully I can lose it in 7 days. That way I can brag that I lost 20lbs in 2 months, but I should not pressure myself.

All this free time, I have been walking more. I surprise myself with short bursts of jogs/running while I am in the park. I have more energy. I feel lighter. I am making most of my meals. I am staying away from things that won’t benefit me. (Except TV) But THE WILL is there again. Action will come.

Sometimes I am hard on myself. Okay that was a lie. I am ALWAYS hard on myself. I am lost, but I know where to go. I make mistakes 90% of the time and that causes me to feel weak. I learn from mistakes, but I also like to rebel. I like taking risks. That is a part of me that won’t die. I like to drive fast. I like to do most things fast. It is why I cannot stick to most diets. Because a month is too long.

I don’t see the end of the tunnel through the journey because I am already rehearsing my victory speech. Words can only carry me for so long but actions are hard to do.

There is desperation to get a new job. After applying to so many jobs and hearing rejection or nothing back, it makes me feel worthless. They DO NOT know what a hard worker I can be. They DO NOT know me because they see my unpronounceable name and dismiss me. They DO NOT know that I am about being humble in my abilities and that bragging about myself does not come easy at all. And yet, I do not drop to their level. Why should I change my name? Why should I brag about things I didn’t do? Why should I tell them that my field has changed because of me because that is what they want to hear. Success is about building a core of people because of their personalities. My personality cannot just come out with my first encounter with you. It takes a while for me to access the situation and see how I need to handle others. Once I know, the work environment will be more productive because I will know who I am dealing with. That is how I am so needed by so many people. That is how I am respected by so many people. I will show you in the most subtle way. I am not the loudmouth that will just brag. Toxic people are just in so many high positions. There is no respect. I want to respect them, but I cannot. They learn nothing. Why should I?

And then the cycle keeps me out because of my name, my position and my personality.

I keep going.

Wholesome Cheater & Life Track

I have been in a downward trend of weight loss. It has not been as significant as my first month, but I am okay. I did pig out on carbs on Sunday because that was when me and my boyfriend celebrated our Valentine’s Day.

I NO LONGER HAVE A SECOND JOB! However, I am gonna be in super saving mode. I kinda tried to pay for big expenses before I ended my second job so that I would start off with a clean slate of savings. I am going to try and sell my stuff or just give them away. Starting clean.

I feel happy that I quit my second job. I am a bit unhappy about the huge tax I owed this year, but again, I already took care of it. I have been asked if I want another second job. No. I want a full-time job. I have been incapable of ever landing a full-time job. I realized that I have only ever had part-time jobs. But I work so much, I should be considered full-time. Maybe that is why I am having so much trouble with finding a job. That’s all employers see. Anyway, enough negativity. I am gonna still try my best for a full-time job. I am not gonna give up. Especially now, since I have some more time on my hands.

I am going to do my best. I am going to do my best as cheaply as possible. I no longer can spend money on expensive things anymore. I am gonna hustle. I am gonna engage in more hobbies. The top of the list is learning coding, learning a language, eating keto/working out and reading more books. Remember that Warren Buffett list I wrote? Well, I have a few more changes again.

Here is the modified version of my top 5 things to focus on.

  • Work out 5 times a week.
    • Lose 20 pounds
  • Learn Python
  • Enroll in CC and take a computer class
  • Learn violin
  • Get a full-time job you like
  • Learn Arabic

I changed a few things around. I am gonna change the language to Arabic. I am going to change the coding language to Python. I got a violin from my boyfriend, who bought it a while ago. I think it will be an interesting hobby. I am not taking the GRE because I might go back for a second Bachelor’s, but I am still unsure. I have been looking into cyber security and I think that it is really interesting. It’s also close to a 100% employment rate. But even though I have a path, I might not do this. I need to see if coding for me is something I want, once and for all. I am going to enroll in a community college class just to see if it is something I like and can handle, given my few years out of school. I have decided to learn Arabic instead of the German, because I just want to. It’s also a once and for all mentality. I am interested in it enough and I want to touch my cultural roots to speak it before family members start to die off. I figured that it should be the first one I learn. I know that I have a ton of language learning for German I already put the money into, but I can always do that later. Arabic seems more important.

So that is where I am at.

I am gonna see if I can make it a hobby to see how thrifty I can be given that I am making a lot less now. Did you know that I spend an average of $400-500 a month on food? Sometimes more! So I need to cut that in half. Being on Keto can be expensive sometimes. Just the ingredients are pricey. Going to see if I can just buy everything online to make that cheaper. I kinda signed up for Instacart. But I will see what I do with that. Seems easy to shop and deliver food for people. But I would be 1099 so that is putting me off. I hate having to pay so much in taxes every year for 1099.

I saw this video by Anna Akana and I felt inspired to read more. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-U4Bo_dywg&list=RDhSF3IbvebII&index=2

Two-Weeks Notice & Life Lessons

I submitted my two weeks today for my second job.

I gathered myself and said that being unhappy was not gonna fly in 2018.

This year will be about self-healing. I cannot heal if I am unhappy every day.

I have proven that I am willing to change. But I know that I am no where NEAR where I need to be.

Where do I need to be? There is a willingness inside of me that has turned to stone over many many years. I need to chip away at the stone and find out all my potential.

I keep going back to the same place in my mind and I need to not go back anymore. I have always struggled with moving on. I keep finding myself living in the emotions of the past. The habit of the past. Not preventing them in any way. Not growing.

One of the things I learned in life is that if you don’t speak up, bad things will happen. If you don’t accept that government employees at the DMV have the right to be bad at their jobs and totally disrespect you, then it is okay to make a scene. I got what I needed that day despite their incompetence. If you see a baby lost and circling the front of a store, then it is okay to step in and take the kid to the front desk. If you forget a charge you made on a credit card or could have sworn that it was paid, then you can call up the company and have it fixed. If the car shop owner hangs up on you when you ask for the third time about a service that he was supposed to provide, but forgot, then it is okay to explore other avenues and get what you need done. That is knowing when the battle is over, but did not lose anything in the process.

Endless paperwork. Long days of a job that gives you exhaustion. Co-workers that don’t align to your standards of basic human concern. Friends that don’t ask about your life even though you were in their presence for two hours. New diet involving no carbs or sugar. New symptoms of a skin rash or a new color emerging on your body.

There will always be something. You just have to speak up.

It was against my nature because I was trained to observe and not react. The current people around me don’t care about success, but they always complain about not having money. I don’t see any personal success in anyone other than a select few. I like knowing that those who strive for more in a positive way are around me. But those who complain, don’t do anything about anything and are constantly negative will be around me for a while.

I got off topic. Not having this job is scary financially. But it can also be an opportunity. Writing. Exercise. Cooking. Those are my topic choices for the three-four hours of free time each day.

I want to live somewhere cold in the winter. I have decided this. Last time, I came back because I missed one of my friends. Now, I have a significant other to think about as well. But if I have to spend the summer boiling, that will make me unhappy. Watching TV and not doing anything else will make me unhappy. I would rather be the one to experience great things rather than watch someone on TV do it. I have seem different Travel Channel hosts travel to the same place, but I, myself have never gone.

I am trying. I know I have commentaries about people, but it all comes down to loneliness. I feel alone in my thoughts and ideas. There aren’t many people who want to be ambitious around me. There are no people who say, “Can I join you? I will do whatever it takes.” But instead there are people who say, “I can never do that! It’s not my thing.” I have dealt with this a lot. So much to the point where I give in and do what everyone else is doing.

I will try to treasure those who give a crap about me. Sometimes I give too much attention to those who don’t and I just hate life. I can’t help it. I will say that as you get older, that you care less about what other people think. Manoj Bhargava said it best when he said that he didn’t think anyone was doing anything right. People can only tell you the mistakes to be made but there really no formula to success. You watch people on Shark Tank only to see that the high tech product that they spent four-times their life-savings on is horrible. I want to apply this to other parts of my life as well. One of the reasons why Psychology didn’t work out for me was the fact that there were people who you had to depend on for their emotions, money, accolades, respect. (The research field) And I know that if I see people who have made poor choices over and over again, that I would get depressed quickly. (The clinical field) There is skill involved for both, but the patience or butt-kissing would be too much. Something that I could not do. AND YET I tell myself, that I should still pursue it. JUST BECAUSE I hold a degree in it. I am confused.

Money is something I hate. School is too much. I would like to go back to school but I am scared about being as unmotivated and a bad procrastinator as last time. There was no vision. I was following the pack. The weakest link on several occasions. I don’t even want to go back to UCLA because I did myself a great injustice there. I am literally still paying the price.

I am trying to work up the courage to go back again. ONLY ONE person has ever taken interest in this. When I told her an idea I had, unbeknownst to me, she researched it and gave me a print out to help me. I was so touched. There has been encouragement to stick to my Keto diet, but there has been no encouragement to my future. There have only been, “You should go back if you want a better job,” with no sense of direction. Now that I see this, it sounds like I just want someone to do the work for me. But in truth, I just want someone to be interested.

Never trust a guidance counselor. They are not interested in you.

From what I learned, you just gotta hustle. You gotta get your head in and call people out. You have to ask a million questions to get the right responses from people. Some people change their minds midway or you simply cannot trust what they have to say. I cannot tell you the unimaginable pain it is to be on the phone and they have to redirect you so much that they redirect you back to the first person you talked to. That is an example of a modern-day battle. You gotta grow courage and get some balls. People don’t care about you, because they care about themselves first. The government won’t tell you about special programs that can help you because they don’t want you to use them. That’s life.

How messed up is that?

Anyway, I am gonna do it. I am gonna apply to school again I am going back to community college, I decided. I am gonna try this computer science thing that I wanted to do 10 years ago.

I can do it.

10 Pounds Lighter & 23andMe

I got on the scale today. The official weekly weigh in has told me that I lost 10 pounds from when I first started Keto.

  • My feet feel better. Still some pain, but not “limp in pain to the bathroom every morning” bad.
  • I stopped snoring loudly when I sleep. Only one person has benefited so far from this. My throat also feels better in the morning.
  • I feel lighter.
  • My clothes feel looser. I think I went down a cup size because there is extra fabric on the sides of my bra.
  • My mind feels clearer. I am remembering things better. Small victories but I can still notice them.
  • I sometimes feel like jogging when I am out on walks. I don’t do it, but I like that I am mentally preparing myself for more exercise. Because I feel lighter, I know that it won’t impact my joints as badly. Also, since my feet have been feeling better, that has something to do with the confidence.
  • I don’t really have zits anymore. A nice surprise.
  • I no longer use Tums, something that was happening quite often last year.

It has been a nice journey so far. I have been tempted a few times, but I have been strong. I have had great people around me who have been encouraging and nice about my diet. Pretty much everyone knows. But it’s not like before where I was on the strictest of diets… I think this is different because it is not so bad. It’s not hard to stick to this diet. For instance, I can still go to all my favorite junky fast food restaurants and order something. I don’t do that, because I am cooking more, but if I wanted to I could do it. Meat and cheese is the best combo that I can eat and I do it a bunch.

I stopped wearing jeans because I could not bear to get a larger size. That was last year. I am gonna do my best to celebrate the small victories. I did not really celebrate this morning because I weighed myself later last week and the number was the same on the scale. But I am doing my best to stay positive! The mentality of “time flying” is getting me through the month. It has already been three weeks! That is an accomplishment!  Why am I not more excited? Maybe I am just still wanting the weight to come off sooner. I have to be patient. That has always been my weakness. I am that type of person. I wonder if that is something I can change in myself? It feels like the sense of urgency will never go away.

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I did the 23andMe genetic test! I JUST submitted it yesterday. I have been wanting to know more about my genetics for a LONG time. Mainly because I look like everything. I bought the ancestry and health test for a $100 during Cyber Monday. (Normally a $200 test) Now I shall wait the 6 to 8 weeks and get an email soon enough. I can’t wait!!! I want to tell my family everything as soon as I get it. I feel like they will be disappointed. But whatever! I will know what I am! And the health portion is also important too. I feel like I don’t know any health stuff in my family. That would be nice.

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I will be quitting my second job pretty soon. I decided that in order to get cheap health insurance, and peace of mind, I will quit the job I most dislike. I really want 2018 to be about self-healing and having calmness in myself. My second job makes me hate life. I will quit it and still be okay. I will also use the extra time to study for the GRE, take a class (free online, online or at a school), cook meals or workout.

I am going to be content this year. I am going to be ambitious this year. I am going to be motivated this year.