Alone

I have been doing things that I cannot speak of. I have been saying things only to have them come back to me. I have been treating the people around me badly. Now all I have is silence and resentment.

You came into my life. I treated you kindly at first, but then not so much.

It’s a cry out into the world. “I want to be alone, but don’t know how!” I am silent.

It’s an emo subject but it is also very relevant. I cannot wish to make you like me anymore. Just leave me be. There is no one I can have a conversation with. Only small talk. Every day is full of fucking small talk. I cannot stand it.

At work, I feel like an outcast. More small talk I am not capable of.  They never get my jokes anyway… I just want them to leave me alone and to give me the answers I need. Stop talking about your personal problems like I care. It’s just time you waste not working…

How do you tell people that you are not okay? How do you tell them that you are so alone that you want them to go away? How do you tell them that being with them is a chore? How do you tell them that you are happiest when you spend the shortest amount of time with them? Do you secretly hate them? Do you carry resentment that is not there? Do they bore you? Do they make you want to do things that you dislike? Do they remind you of someone or something in your life that you hate? Do they make you feel lonelier?

“Yes.”

Then there is no making you happy then. You cannot even surround yourself with people that help lift your spirits. You are not capable of seeing past yourself. You are not capable of fully loving and understanding a fellow human being. You are just there to accept what people throw at you and to not reciprocate. You just want to be alone because people just want you to be theirs and not yours. You cannot physically be alone because of them. You are tied to your phone – where many of them are. These short term relationships are taking much out of you and you cannot stop. You won’t stop until you find someone to confide in. Someone who is capable of being there for you. You wanted this since you were a school-aged child. You cannot find it no matter how hard you look. Perhaps too picky. Perhaps you are just destined to be alone and all this wanting is making you crazy. It’s just supposed to happen when you least expect it, right? Bullshit. It has never happened. You just end up knowing more people who make you feel alone and foreign.

Presents and gifts are meaningless. I just want time. Time that I can pretend to get back on waiting for you for so long.

If I disappear, I will be in the company of myself. It’s not personal. Or maybe… it technically is. It’s one of those, “I love you, but I need my space now. Leave me alone.

 

 

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Two Weeks Notice

I applied for this job back in April and they called me last Wednesday to ask if I still wanted the job due to one of their employees leaving to be closer to home. I was thrilled. It was a job I still wanted and made an interview for the next day.

Yesterday, I was extended an offer. I finally was able to give my two weeks to my current positions. At my first job, I am with a company that I have serious mixed feelings about and now, I am finally able to leave. My second job was something that I just started on the 1st. It was much harder to give him my two weeks.

I am now flooded with pride and opportunity.

This is what I want this job to be like:

  • Just a job. I don’t want to feel bad for nobody. I don’t want responsibility of someone else’s feelings.
  • Full-time. I can now brag that I have an adult, full-time job with overtime benefits. I also have the chance to move up within this new company.
  • Money-maker. I want to save up money for big things. School, food and travel to be specific.
  • Experience. I am unsure about the corporate experience, but I am excited that this will introduce me to some of it.
  • Insurance. More specifically, health insurance. I no longer have to worry about where my health insurance is coming from.
  • A stepping stone. More money, more experience, more responsibility. All will give me more direction to where I want to go (Wherever that may be). I am happy about this because I know that this may be something I don’t want to do, but due to the overwhelming benefits of this new job, it outweighs whatever I am doing right now. I am okay with that.

 

P.S. No more cockroaches. No more babysitting seniors’ smoke breaks. No more blatant misguidance or lack thereof. Just Adult Work.

My Stupid Near-Death Experience

BACKSTORY: Yesterday, I worked for 10 hours straight. I just got a new side job this week and have not really adjusted yet. In few words: I was tired. However, I needed to drive an hour out to my best friend’s house for her birthday. My gift included chocolate and since it has been 100+ degrees out I had to keep it in a nondescript IKEA bag I took indoors to both jobs. I had to juggle uniform -> professional dress for both jobs- changing my shoes and shirt in the short 15mins between them. I got stuck in a Taco Bell drive thru so that was really 2mins of changing time. Both jobs had their stresses and challenges that day, so by the end, I was kind of mentally drained.

The ride to my friend’s house was fine. I drove over 90 for some of it. I could not believe the amount of slow or distracted drivers on the road. I had my music, A/C blasting unusually cold and was feeling okay.

THE EXPERIENCE: I was almost there. I had found and missed a potential parking spot. I decided to make a U-turn on a small busy street that turns out was too small to do a U-turn, but decided to try it anyway. A single green light, no arrows to tell you when to make a left. You need to wait for all oncoming cars to pass before you can make a left turn. I didn’t. My brain did not register this. The street was really too small to make a U-turn and I needed to BACK UP to finish making it properly. This is were I saw the guy on the motorcycle flip me off and then did a wheelie down the street. This is where I looked in my rear-view mirror and saw the traffic I had stopped. I just couldn’t believe it.

AFTERMATH: I was lucky I did not get hit. I was lucky no one (especially the motorcycle driver) did not get hurt. I cried for a while after my friend’s party. It just eats me up that I put so many in danger for something I did that was so preventable. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have had the careless behavior of an idiot driver? I like to drive fast. It just makes me feel alive sometimes. Makes me feel like the free and open road is all mine. I feel like driving so fast before this incident was definitely a factor into my driving habits. Whenever I drive tired, stupid shit happens. But my problem is also that I do not like to drive slow. I do not like driving in the lane everyone passes by. I do not like inefficient slow habits, like driving slow in the faster lane. I took a good hard, look at my driving habits. Will I ever change this? One of my only favorite things to do is to drive fast or at least drive on a road all alone. I am still shaky. I am still in disbelief. I am still upset at myself.

No more U-turns…. on that street near my friend’s place.

 

P.S. Sorry to all who had to witness the stupidest driver in history. Sorry to the motorcycle guy who almost hit me. I understand that it was reckless, stupid and dangerous. But the scariest part was, I didn’t know it at the time… Easily the mother of all accidents.

 

Fast Heartbeat

When the world stops, it makes you think. How could I have been better? How could I have changed things? In reality, you would do it all again. I am not a person to say that change is the best. But I am a person to think that I am not good enough for new change.

My heart has been beating fast for a while now. It won’t stop. Am I making the right move? I do not know.

Is this stress? Worry? Heartbreak? Did I do something wrong? Am I doing the right thing? The wrong thing? Are these questions I will always ask myself?

My mind is like a hive of bees. Constantly buzzing. Constantly building. Constantly rushing in and out. I ask myself many questions. I ask myself if there is something wrong with me… I ask myself what I deserve and how much of it do I deserve.

I think of myself as lowly. I cannot do anything of great importance until I have changed that. I know…

I want to know that I can prove myself. I want to see that I will try hard at something. That doesn’t come without discipline. That doesn’t come without surrounding myself in that world.

I like to goof off. I like to relax at home. I like to think that I can take it easy because my squishy body really enjoys it. But I am too young to live like a retiree. I crave the home life but I have certainly failed the professional side of life. What would happen if I had kids? How would they respect me if I just think a television program is more important than they are? I would be horrified. I want my kids to be the most important thing in my life. I want my work to come in second. I want these things and yet, I am unable to prove that I deserve it.

I need to stop crying.

 

A Sweet Voice

There is a time that there will be a sweet-talker in your life. They will call you “honey,” “sweetie,” “love,” and you will feel a tinge of comfort. However, I usually feel uncomfortable if someone who is not my grandmother has calls me any of those things. I hate these words in the professional setting.

I recently got a side job and hated it. I put no work into it and just got off a phone call about my lack of efforts. Boss lady was no longer using “love” to talk to me. When the phone call ended, I felt like she should have expected this terrible behavior from me. Her business is disorganized and I felt like the office girls looked down on me. She was the only nice person. I don’t feel as bad as I normally would. They didn’t even pay me on time nor did they know where I lived. I spent so much money to get into this job and I barely broke even when I left. I have never felt more like a person on strings slapped with sweet talk. I need out of this game.

It is what it is.

Bad Worker: Secretary

Assistant/Secretary

The 9-5 has gotten Jen. Jen is a young secretary at a small business. Most of her days are filled with lazy hours of nothing. Some days she can be busy, maybe some hours but mainly she works hard for an accumulative 2 hours out of her 8-hour day work day. When she first started, she was a recent grad who didn’t know what she wanted so she applied to any joy with a salary. When she first started working, she was excited and naive. She thought that she could be the best secretary in the world. However, her boss wasn’t as keen to her ideas as much as she wanted him to be. He would tell her that her ideas were time-consuming or a waste of company time. He would tell her that it didn’t matter to update certain processes and make them electronic. He would tell her to stop imagining a system for employee lunch breaks because it has “always been done this way.”

Her first job experience was crushing. She just started to become bored and disillusioned with people and working. She started to be on her phone during business hours just to past the time. She would spend her days making playlists of her favorite music and buying things online. She increased her typing speed by 10 words per minute. After a while, she started to ignore decorating her space for the holidays because the boss did not seem to ever be in a holiday spirit nor did he celebrate major holidays. The office was small – 4 people other than her. She felt alone. Everyone was much older than her and did not seem to care about her life. She applied for jobs online that offered any type of benefits because the current position did not. She could not get another job because she was either over-qualified, under-qualified or just lived too far away. She felt stuck in a town that was in the middle of nowhere where there were no other jobs.

Months turned into years. She was bored. She tried online classes at work but every time she needed to test, something at work would always come up and she would get reprimanded for not doing work and just playing online. Either way, she did not know what she wanted to do with her life. Her interests would change almost as soon as she was ready to spend major cash on a path she wanted to pursue. She was worried. Why was she not able to be interested in something long enough to pursue it with hunger and motivation? Was she going to be stuck at this job forever?

End.

 

NOTES: Life is enough of an inspiration to this writing.

The World Shows A Smile

Leonardo_da_Vinci_-_Mona_Lisa

That smile.

When the world shows a smile, you examine it. A smile can mean a lot of things nowadays. Kindness, happiness, deceit, a brave face, a fake face, a habit, or even at a dentist checkup… All types a smiles to be fluent in. But when the world shows you something intimate, it all but takes a second to figure things out. Is this a genuine smile or a fake smile? How can one tell the difference?

There is not way to tell the difference between the two without practice.

However, when the world shows a genuinely kind smile, it is foolish to look away. It’s the kind of smile that brightens your day. The kind of smile that makes to feel like there is good in the world. The kind of smile you have always deserved, but haven’t seen in a while.

In some countries, a smile is a sign of weakness. But I see it differently. A smile shows beauty and compassion as well as kindness and friendship. It is definitely a habit I show, even when the situation does not traditionally call for a smile. Should you regret a smile?

Health and happiness. Deceitful and fake. The world can show many smiles.

End.

NOTE: This post was inspired by Mike Shinoda and his Instagram account with photos of him smiling. Just wanted to mention how his smiles are awesome. I only wish to have that many photos of me in such a positive disposition. He seems so happy it is almost contagious. I want to believe that they are happy smiles… and I do.

Thanks Mike Shinoda.

Broken-Hearted

When a heart drops you never forget it.

It’s as painful and someone punching your “trusty” gut.

You see the warm, beating ticker turn ice cold,

And shatter into a million pieces, as it makes contact with the ground.

When you realize that your heart was beating for all the reasons you questioned,

You feel like a fool.

Broken Mind.

Broken Heart.

Ramadan For Bad Muslims – #OutcastMuslims

Go ahead and drink that sip of wine at your friend’s wedding.

Go ahead and have that convenient boyfriend.

Sure you can taste that pork belly- you always wanted to try it.

Hide the fact that you don’t fast from your family by keeping snacks in your room.

Why don’t you drink all that water and soda throughout the day- it IS summer.

Don’t you dare pray. It messes with your work and school schedule.

Divulge in sexual play. Why should you be prohibited to express what is natural?

Don’t go to the mosque. You are pretty sure the tight cliques still don’t notice your existence.

Ablution? More like a baby wipe bath in case you sweat too much after the gym.

Wear that skimpy outfit. You know it is only for self-esteem and breathable fabric on your skin.

 

You know the importance of Ramadan. You can see how it humbles people. You see how your family reacts to it. Work, food and people. Important things. Yet religion should help your world, but it does not quite fit in. You don’t see the importance of Islam in all the other 11 months throughout the year. You are not lucky enough to be a part of it due to constant alienation as a child. Your parents argue more and you don’t see a point in their marriage of verbal and physical abuse. Those 11 months have taught you that your family only picks and chooses the bad aspects the religion that gave you a negative opinion. YOU ARE AWARE of the benefits to a great home life with Islam. You have seen it done right at your friend’s house. However, the psychological issues of those close to you, are never going to be fixed. They truly believe that the religion is working for them, when in fact, they hide behind it in order to make it convenient to them, like children.

Parents are the gateway to opening social doors for you when you are young, especially in religion. They did not encourage our mingling with the other Muslim kids, because they were too overprotective. So I was an outcast. No one to have something in common with and no one to be friends with. So I found my own group of friends, happened to only be Christian friends, who will never know me in that respect. They did not understand and never will. I started to question what having a religion was if people from their church got them jobs, social understanding, connections, activities and any other help imaginable. I felt that it was unfair. It felt like I had no “community” in my life where people just wanted to help you without judgement. I was always on my own and confused in this respect.

The older I got, the more distant I got. The first thing to go was prayer. The next, Ramadan. The last, certain morals and values that only Muslims followed.

The feeling of feeling lost, will never go away. You feel like you are a betrayer to something that you have always known to be the truth. The truth became something you are not going to face. You become lost because you still entirely believe in God but the people have failed you.

You feel like no one will ever truly know your struggle. You feel like no one will every help you get back the important thing you once had. You feel like you don’t see the purpose of someone helping you to do so. You feel alone. You can’t speak up because Islamic hate comes from Muslims and non-Muslims alike. You tell them what you did and the non-Muslims cheer you on, but they will never relate. You tell them what happened and the Muslims will judge you and think you are a sinner. There is no help.

It is a special case of hate. It is a special case of outcast.

You just always feel alone.

Was this a choice?

Who knows…?

 

 

P.S. There is always this present hate. I hope that this special hate won’t be transferred to others reading this post. This is a post is about feeling lost, not to condemn religion. I would love to see solutions to my special case instead of hate.

 

Forgiving Myself For Social Mistakes

Subtle Language

So I had bronchitis this past week. Hacking up a lung is never fun. I went to a wedding and there was a guy smoking like a chimney behind me. I escaped to the lobby for some fresh air where I saw the bride. After a happy exchange, she asked me what I was doing. I told her I was “escaping” from the smoke and she took concern over my health and told me to take care of myself. After that exchange, I left without saying goodbye due to her disappearing into a massive sea of guest dancing.

What I really should feel bad about but don’t: Leaving without saying goodbye.

What I feel bad about: Said that I was “escaping.”

Why did that make me feel horrible?: Because of the wording of how I said it. Telling the bride that you are escaping her wedding is probably not the best thing to say to a bride on her wedding day.

Would she even care I did or said any of that?: Most likely not.

Did I tell a bunch of people about how bad I felt about this meaningless exchange?: You better believe it.

What did they say?: That I was fine.

Duh.