This Fear…

One of the things that I have dealt with in my life has always been fear.

Fear is a stupid word. It can completely overtake your life if you are not brave enough.

In today’s context, fear has to do with the unknown. The unknown of getting a new job that I can financially support myself on. The unknown of self-improvement. Can I do everything that I want to do?

My boyfriend has a nice point of view on life. GET A HOBBY. It can be the stupidest hobby in the world. You can spray paint googly eyes and glue them on T-shirts.* I did not encourage myself for hobbies. I used to have hobbies but I lost them. Sounds silly but it is not the physical items that were lost, but it was a result of a time in my life where having a hobby meant getting a lower grade on an exam. There was no time to do the stuff that I wanted to do. Over time, my hobby became procrastination and procrastination was watching TV.

So I have come to the dumbest conclusion ever: I am scared to find a hobby I like. In some ways having a hobby meant failure in my past.

I listen to a podcast called “How I Built This.” It’s about how entrepreneurs started their businesses up from an idea. Not all of them believed that their idea would be a big deal, but a good amount of them did. For some, it started off as a hobby. For others, they knew that their idea was going to be huge. My boyfriend has told me that one should not aspire to do something because they should, but because they want to- gives them happiness. Truly words of wisdom. But there is this part of me that doesn’t believe it. It wants to say, “How the hell is buying googly eyes, spray painting over them and sticking them on T-shirts is gonna make any money at all?! Don’t waste your time!” But the point is not to make money, but to be happy. Some day, I would like to be the boss of something. I would like to be a boss of a company or boss of a signature idea. I just want to leave something behind that people might enjoy or make people happy. Society does not appreciate all types of artistic visions. That is a very disheartening thing to hear. There will always be critics. There will always be people who say that you are an idiot. A nightmare indeed. My ideas WANT to be bigger than myself. They CRAVE to be bigger than myself. It is not a matter of doing something only for myself. My brain wants to do something for somebody and then get the recognition that it deserves for that same thing. Something that somebody said that I mattered in some way. It seems like a negative point of view doesn’t it? It doesn’t seem right. But that’s my unique brain.

So what does this all mean? If we go back to the idea of fear, it means that fear of failure is inevitable no matter what I do. But it matters WHY I do something. If I do it to be happy, then I will succeed. If I do it to gain recognition then I will fail. But how do I change my mind to get around all of this bullshit?

Unfortunately, it is a simple answer: Just do it and see what happens.

There are a million things that I can do in this world. The world will always say that I will not have enough experience on my resume, the world will tell me that my name is hard to pronounce, the world will tell me that I look unattractive and unhealthy, the world will tell me that I am not coherent or smart enough to understand many things, the world will break my heart in two – but as long as I am doing something that matters, with the utmost passion I can put into it, then I will have a place where I can live with no regrets, no sadness, no more failed New Year’s Resolutions and no more fear…

Look down and you will only see the ground. Look up and you will see the changing sky.

I want to look up.

 

*Example of a totally useless, totally unique hobby someone other than me might enjoy.

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Everyone Is The Same

There is a feeling that I just felt. Pounds have been lifted. Pain still creeps the soles of both my feet.

For the first time in a long time, I am not the only one I know who feels this. I am not the only one on God’s blue planet that is not understood. I am not the only one who feels this. I saw the process that I go through while someone else was going through it. I do it too. It will be my secret.

I am going to quit my second job and focus on what I like. I listen to these go-getters and passionate people on NPR’s How I Built This podcast. What good is this life if I just hate my job? I don’t know where I can go but down with this idea. I am still young, I guess. I need to figure out what makes me happiest and just do that. Money is awesome, but unhappiness is not. What kind of person can I be if I just ignore my potential?

  • Writer
    • I could use a couple of classes and just start writing
  • App Developer
    • Need to get started asap with writing code
  • Video Editor
    • Gotta get started but need a more powerful laptop
  • Make-up Artist
    • Perhaps make this a part-time venture to pay for the other stuff

I think that’s it. Here is a list of things that I can just do one the side since I am still interested but cannot fully commit for whatever reason.

  • Antarctica expert
  • Amateur comic strip artist
  • Amateur rap artist/songwriter
  • Amateur game designer (if the app thing pans out)
  • Amateur filmmaker
  • Amateur screenwriter
  • Amateur bread maker

An Old World

So I moved back into my parents house.

Why?

So two major things could happen:

  1. I could save money. Rent is expensive! I have plans to save as much as I can before my next birthday. Why my birthday? I have no clue. It was an arbitrary point of saving money. About seven months away. My goal was to save a certain number of G’s by April, but after only a month of planning this, I have already saved almost half of that amount. I am now trying to figure out how to spend the excess money. I still have two loans from school and was thinking of paying the lesser one off for now and then work on the other over time. I am thinking of aggressively saving money for future schooling.
  2. Peace of mind over dealing with my roommate. I hate people like that. People who just live in the past and ignore the present and future. I think that there are a lot of people in this world who you really should not associate yourself with. I need people who want to better themselves, not people that just say they want to do grand things and then complain why they can’t. Like really complain. Good things happen if you try. And if you don’t try, even if the first step is saving money, and then complain why you cannot do it constantly, then why even care? I lived with a life-sucker. A downer. A slob. A loser. I don’t want to ever be like that person.

Living back at home will have some positive effects. One of them being less stress for now. I an in the process of shock from having so much stress to zero. It was a wild move-out weekend. Everything went from being, “Will they sign the lease? What if they don’t? What happens when this loser won’t pay all the rent?” to “I just need to buy a bed sheet. I have no utilities. I have no shitty roommate. I dunno what to do now…” I am dealing with this slowly.

The takeaway is that everything will be okay now.

Doing The Minimalism Thing In A Boss Way

I am about to do something that only a few months ago I was not going to do. I am so sad but yet grateful that I feel better about it now. I know there is a person who says no. I know that there are freedoms that will be cut. But I figured that the good will outweigh the bad somehow.

First things first: MINIMIZE MY LIFE

I MUST give away my stuff. I don’t need books that I will never read. I don’t need clothes that don’t fit me anymore nor have ever fit me. I don’t need a backup that I will never use. I don’t need expensive perfume that I will never use. I don’t need things that are old and gross. I don’t need sentimental items that I have never even wanted. I just need to minimize my life. I need a bookshelf of only my most favorite books. Not books that I was told to read.

I just want to be happier with less. Less stuff to worry about. Less stress. Less sleepless nights. Less tiredness. Less physical weight. Less arguing. Less meaning to do something but don’t. Less people that don’t improve my life.

I also want this move to be beneficial for my family relationships. I always want it but never implement anything. I need to be the boss of my own life.

Less TRASH- in thought and feeling.

Wish me luck.

Prompt #1: Strangers

Great stories often begin with the arrival of a a stranger. Have the stranger make a grand entrance and then take it from there.

The party started and there was already some disastrous little details that were not taken care of. The women were all wearing the wrong color. They were told to wear black and these particular women instead rebelled and wore every other shade of the spectrum. The men were all told to do the same, but they wore shiny suits of blue, green and gray. The music was a singer who was told to sing Sinatra and instead sang heavy metal lyrics in a 20s style. The food was all a worldwide disasterly array of over-the-top crackers and bland cheeses. The banquet hall was unswept, poorly lit and every chandalier was missing lightbulbs and glass pieces. The people were confused and giggling either over the poor planning or over their own wardrobe rebellion.

As everyone drank the over-iced punch and laughed, the double doors opened with a loud BANG. Everyone looked anxiously to toward the door and there stood an handsome man in a tuxedo and a woman in a long black dress. They stood there a second with a stare that pierced everyone in the room. The people gasped and made way as the couple walked towards the center of the hall. Their shoes made the only sound and it seemed like minutes were hours as they passed all the guilty faces of the guests. The woman was holding a baby which did not move. There in the center of the room, stood a pedestal, covered with red solo cups of the poor red drink. The man in black throws each cup onto the ground and wipes the surface clean of any dirt or dust. The woman in black places the baby onto cold marble delicately. The couple then walk out the doors and lock it shut behind them.

A party goer with a loud yellow dress examines the strange baby. “It’s dead!” She yells. Everyone looks at one another and cheer.

The last babe has died.

“Can I Lose Weight By Eating Costco Cheesecake?” A Poem of Facts.

I am addicted to you, oh so so good things.

Your cheesecakes, your milk chocolate. The happiness it brings,

Your white version Taco Bell, caramel apple empanadas,

Your salt and vinegar chips, more addictive than marijuana,

Your Cheesecake Factory five-cheese pasta satiates my palate,

Your coffee-flavored M&Ms that I had to get by submitting a ballot,

Your sugary Panda Express chow mein and your In-n-Out chocolate-vanilla shakes,

Your food just makes me have all kinds of sugar aches,

Your cheeseburgers! So warm to the touch,

Your Costco cheese pizza un-ruining my lunch.

So the moral is: Just eat whatever the heck you want!

No diet that can keep me away from my food confidant.

Don’t you dare try to change what I love,

And to answer your question that you typed in above,

No. It’s too addictive. It’s also high in sugar, carbs and fat,

But who cares?! Go away! I am so done with this silly chat.

How Do You Know?

I still type at 38WPM but I tell people that it’s 45.

I am at work and I hate it. Is it because I am in an office and goofing off all day? Does the internet and a computer do that to me? Yes. I like goofing off because I don’t like work.

I think that I have to face the facts. I don’t know who I am and that my second job is making me a bitter person. I am much much more rude now. I dunno how it is possible to be this rude, but I found it. I am pretend nice and I think people now know that about me. I can see it in their body language. My co-workers just don’t like me. I think it may be because I don’t like them. Probably. They are good people, but it wan’t all my fault.

I need to leave. I am getting that same feeling that I had when I left and moved to Colorado. I need to go somewhere else.

My brain cannot work under this heated pressure. It never has been able to. The summer is hard. Although I am indoors, I always feel outdoors. Overheated, irritated, unable to concentrate…

If this 110 degree weather is not bad enough, my jobs are making me hate life. I am starting to just hate people. I even take it out on my boyfriend sometimes… I wonder if he knows… I hate people because they are either at a sucky job but have a great social life OR they have a bad social life but have a good job. I REALLY hate people who have it all.

I cannot think straight.

I just know that everything I am doing is wrong and I need to start feeling right.

This heat is unbearable.

A One-Sided Conversation With Myself

Every day is a struggle to find meaning and happiness in my life. A STRUGGLE. It does not mean that I actually do something about it, but just the opposite. I sometimes wonder why I am an idiot, TV addict. I was told by a stranger whom I respect that I just have to meditate on me. That’s dumb. I have psychoanalyzed the shit out out my mind and body as well as the people I know. Why should I just sit around and think some more? My main problem is just DOING. I don’t know how to DO. I don’t know if I ever did.

What incites my passion?

I like writing. But I am not as good at it as I would like to believe. Hell, I just taught myself to type properly only recently.

Get better.

What is this voice in my head that just said that? Oh yeah, THAT voice. That voice is dumb.

Psychology was never your passion. 

There is that voice again… Damn voice. You harsh. If you don’t already know, I have a B.A. in Psychology.

You love food to the point of an unhealthy obsession.

I know I know. Pick on the person who sleeps right after eating. I person willing to eat until she becomes broke.

Technology is interesting, but you are not logical enough nor willing to put in the hours to pursue it. 

This voice is saying things that make me upset. I have been seriously considering to learn to code. Why are you saying that? What happened to “Get better.”

You basically live in front of a screen watching your life away. To you, it is your happiness. 

No argument there.

What does food, TV and writing have in common?

Ugh. I am not gonna be an Anthony Bourdain, okay? I don’t give a shit about being a travel/food blogger. I don’t even like reviewing things on Yelp. How are these things supposed to set me on a path to a future? This voice does not know that I am an artsy person who thinks that getting into the arts will be horrible.

Will it? Or can you find another way other than the black and white way that you just described?

Uh… I am not sure…

You can still pursue anything other than modeling or sports, which you don’t want to do. Neuroplasticity is alive and well in your mind. You can easily go and pursue anything you have started but haven’t finished. I am just trying to guide your mind and passions. 

Yeah yeah. Save me the story, voice in my head. Dude I am just screwed up. I washed out Millennial with a semi-respectable job who refuses to believe that Human Resources is a college major. (I just thought that shit was learned on the job) I refuse to believe that there are jobs that required a college education in the past that are entry-level anyway. Hell, even the job I have now seems like any person eager for a job can do it. ANYONE. But I needed a degree for this shit. Colleges just seem like half of the on-the-job-training that I receive anyway. NO ONE knows what they really need to do and yet, the person with the flair, connections, extroverted personality and “relevant” degrees are the most valuable/most desirable people to hire.

We seem to have gotten off topic. What does TheHumanGirl want? 

I want a job that I can live off of that I can also be happy with doing. I want to be happy and not worry about money all that much. But here YOU ARE telling me to pursue an artsy fartsy passion that I KNOW will just make me a Millennial loser cliche. The jobs I have now at least pay my bills.

You need to be happy first. 

I know…

 

This Day & On…

I had the most productive weekend I have had in a long time. The most important of which was me cleaning and organizing my stuff. Just settling into my apartment. I also wrote in my journal which was also long overdue. Another important task was getting a lot of stuff out of my computer and putting it into an external hard drive. I have been meaning to do that since 2015. Oops. Better late than never.

What’s important about me cleaning up my laptop is that it can run faster now. With all the crap outta it, I can use it to start my coding. I am starting to get serious about it. I know the path I am going to take. I am going to learn on my own through one website. Period. It will be a good indicator if this is what I want for my future. The industry is booming, why not expand with it? I will get a new laptop down the road, but it won’t be for a while as I have a lot of expenses to take care of. (I spent $300 this weekend on essentials for my car and undergarments… ugh…) It’s okay though. I have faith that I will catch up sooner or later. Maybe in three months…

But back to the coding. I am going to take it seriously. I am going to take all my interests seriously from now on. I have the support. I have the motivation. I have a lot of stuff. I really don’t need to be spending any money on anything as I have already horded everything that I would ever need.

I am going to Vegas this weekend. I am excited. My boyfriend and I are celebrating our one year together. Vegas doesn’t really describe us as a couple, but we sure as hell like doing strange things together.

I want to simplify. I have too much stuff in my life. Mainly clothes and books. I don’t ever lose enough weight to want to wear the clothes that I can no longer fit. I think I should give it up and just donate them. I want a small closet. A modest space.

 

Distracted

I cannot focus on my job today. I spent most of the day goofing off on a game on my phone. Even now, I am currently wasting company time writing. I don’t mind. I guess I am having an anti-self-regulatory day. I am cool with it. I got work to do but I can’t find the motivation in order to do it. I guess I am feeling passion for other things. The game I am playing on my phone is fun. It’s a puzzle I want to solve over and over again. I may be slow, but I am happy when I get that accomplished goal.

The other day I was thinking. Thinking about my future for the first time in a long time. Due to my current change in living arrangements, I have been feeling better. I was thinking that I was wasting my time as the Social Worker in an Adult Day Care… I am underpaid, tired and don’t love the work. And I really don’t like my second job as a Behavioral Tech even though I get paid more, but have less hours. I dread that job more because I have to deal with difficult kids.

A part of me thinks that I am just not suited to take care of people. To order them around and make them do things I would hate doing if someone told me. I guess… I just want freedom in my work. Freedom of expression and being as precise as possible. One of the reasons why I couldn’t do Psych anymore was because I started to hate people more and more. I didn’t like interacting with them, I didn’t like giving them advice and I didn’t like talking them through sadness. Even the research part was almost repulsive after graduation. It was like I had to schmooze my way to the top. I hate schmoozing. I loathe the idea of being an open person all the time and being kind to people who I hate or who were full of themselves. I feel like the world is changing when it comes to that though. I hear stories of people coming together and making something amazing and who are happy doing it. I like to be a part making amazing stuff, but my kind of stuff. I would need to change how a machine operates in order for me to work with it. Sometimes you are not allowed to do that. Sometimes you just have to deal with people who don’t share your vision, your voice, your process or your fucking texting habits. (Excuse the F-bomb but I am sick of people having horrible texting vocab, mean comments or rude timing)

I don’t wish for people to be like me. I like thinking the way I think sometimes. I wish I was sharper and had a bigger vocabulary but I think I am doing fine.

Take that test. Because you knew how to take our test you are one of us. (load of bulllll)

I don’t know what being smart is. I have never known. I think that some people are smarter than others, but in certain settings. There are dense people and their are open people. I can be dense and I can be open. It’s like a valve I cannot control. It’s just a mind game that my brain likes to play with me. Past experience says you shouldn’t do this: I do it anyway. Future notice!: You should’ve read the instructions beforehand so that will never happen again!: I will not read the instructions if I don’t want to. See? My brain is “special.”

So in conclusion and going back to what I was writing in the beginning. I may start a career in Tech. No people to take care of, but management skills are something I am open to working more on. (As long as I don’t see any crazy people)

P.S. If ending with a preposition is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.