new beginnings

We Shared

We shared laughs together.

We shared tears together.

We shared similar interests together.

We shared food together.

We shared fear together.

We shared smiles together.

We shared pictures together.

We shared hate together.

We shared thoughts together.

We shared hugs and kisses together.

We shared ideas together.

We shared knowledge together.

We shared our different pasts together.

We shared moments together.

We shared intimacy together.

We just shared.

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We Are the Heroes of Our Time…

Grand Canyon Sunset

Grand Canyon at sunset.

With the state of my uncertainty and anxiety towards the future I am reminded every day that there are possibilities. I quit my last job and I am starting a new job soon. I am unsure about this new job. Why waste my time with something that I am not one-hundred percent excited about? (Or at least 70%) Then it hit me, I was doing it for the money. An unspeakable disgrace to my personal beliefs. I grew up with the mindset of doing anything that I set my mind to, BUT I am just not sure where to begin. I am unsure about where my best lies. I haven’t tried any avenues for career exploration, self-improvement or even sticking to a job for a year. “Hey thehumangirl, where is your life going? Where will you live? What will you do for work?” I answer, “To be a hobo.” Because that is where I will end up if I don’t get it together. And by “it” I mean “passion for life and study.” I have learned things here in Colorado working at my sad retail job. I have also learned many things about myself as well as the other “humans” that I have been ignoring for so long.

RANT: I have learned that I just don’t like people. That’s that. People lie a lot and take their anger and annoyance out on you and all you have to do is to keep smiling. But I have also learned that those who smile are the weakest. They smile because they are told to. These smiley people who obey so blindly are just pawns who will never become more than followers. Then the leaders become dicks even though they were not dicks before they were leaders. END (ILLOGICAL) RANT.

No, but seriously, I wasn’t learning much in retail other than to be an adequate robot. I don’t think that’s what I want out of life. I want to lead in some way. But at this sad retail job, I wasn’t learning anything anymore. Stagnant. I felt the time ticking away. I saw myself as someone who would be there for too long, going home to a small apartment and watching expensive television up until bed. Useless future. This was not my plan for life. But then what is? What is this new job? Will it turn out the same? Probably. I have no passion for it other than the potential of it making me a lot of money so THEN I can start my purposeful life. Buuut… does that mean I should take a short cut and cut out this unexciting new job and fill it with experience for the later stuff?

I don’t know if I should take this other job. I want to go back to school and study for the real stuff… The “real stuff” being something that I actually WANT to do. However, I am torn as I want to do many, many things. But I know that I can’t be indecisive anymore. I MUST CHOOSE. It will be the hardest decision of my life. The MOST impacting. The most permanent. (Maybe not that, but something that lasts for a long time…) And it has been something that I have been struggling with for so long. Life is confusing.

-The Human Girl

P.S. In case you didn’t know, the title of this blog is a title of a song from the winner of the most recent Eurovision Song Contest, Mans Zelmerlow. I don’t know why I like this song so much…

Begin

Start by going that way. The way you want to go. I felt like I just woke up from a heavy dream. A dream that has lasted five years, maybe more. A nightmarish dream of weak mind. Succumbing to the detrimental sides of my psyche. What is this store I am in? I should be on a shelf, not perusing the wares. I should sell myself: my ideals, my appearance, my skills, my status, etc. Why should I be the one to buy when I can sell?

A dream is not a dream without a down to an up. Yes, just like that it changes. It’s not all bad, but not all good either. There are many ways to look at something. They don’t teach perspective in school. Not artistic perspective but emotional perspective. There is no class on just breathing and thinking strategies. The dream doesn’t teach you things you need to know, it just exposes what you don’t know.

You can do anything. You can begin again. You can rise. You might fall, but how you rise is more important than how you fall. Hypothetical wings guide you out of situations and needless worry. But, you can’t forget where you came from. How far you’ve gotten or who you pass by on your journey. Everything is important. Everything has a meaning. Even the wax in your ears deserves explanation. Jump ahead. See what you will get. What you will achieve. What you want to earn. They seem similar but can be used in separate ways.

Ups and Downs. What a day.