friends

“The Best Revenge is Massive Success” -Frank Sinatra

We broke up last Tuesday. My heart was effectively broken. But… deep, deep, deep, deep, deep down, I knew that maybe, just maybe, we were not a good match. That little voice in my head is starting to be such a stupid, little know-it-all. But she is right. I just wish it did not sting so much.

I have been keeping busy since last week. I also am still jobless since the beginning of September 2019, sooooo I have a lot of time to just be sad. This week, I have been more productive than ever. I am going to just… study. I don’t want just another job. I want to have skills that will build up, not constantly become broken down every day. So I am going to just be the very best I can be. I will mooch off of my parents and my hard-earned savings until I figure it out.

I don’t want to go into another relationship for a long time. Seems like these “nice guys” are just as destructive as the bad boys. I don’t understand them. They loosely use “I Love You” like it’s something that is meaningless. I just can’t do it anymore. I am starting to feel like guys are scared of me. Not fearful of my fist but fearful of breaking my heart. I cannot look into some guy’s eyes and see truth. I am too disillusioned to feel real love for a significant other at the moment.

I am just going to focus on myself and “make it.” I got time. I got no kids. I got smarts. I am ready to tackle on the world. My new mission is to make the world see its stupidity and to be smarter and more advanced. It’s a heavy mission but I want to be part of the solution. The world is making people too comfortable. People need to feel safe and also be aware of the world around them. Wealth is happiness not endless money. I just want to show people that fact that I know all too well.

These past months of my joblessness were a good thing. You know what I did? I watched TV all day. I ate bad food all day. I did chores. I overcame my ptsd from my last job. I was able to reset my mind and realize what I want to feel. I was able to set up myself for a calmer outlook on my future. I was able to get to a point of happiness. I got to a point of endless days that feel like Saturday. I was able to think about my health and what I wanted out of working out. I was able to see the truth in the lies that the world tells us. I was able to overcome my self-humiliation about being a jobless, talent-less loser. I have looked back in my life and realized that I should’ve spoken up more and called people out. (The dumb, loud ones get all the attention.) I learned how to say “no” to people. I am busy. Deal with it dummies. I still struggle with friends and prioritizing my time over the demands of others. I had realized that I do not ever want to deal with clients. There are other people for that.

There are so many things that I learned. Most of it honed my observation skills. I realize that nothing is over unless you fight for it. Whether it is returning a purchase from seven years ago or seeing that you are being discriminated. Knowing which is which and how to deal with these things was what my parents could not teach me. You learn these things on your own. There is no one that can have the same experiences as me. I will always remember the time in high school when a friend asked me what a “skyscraper” was despite my brain freaking out about how she did not know this yet. Or the time in twelfth grade, and my teacher called me out about how I did not know the meaning of “non sequitur” at my age. Some things were just never learned. You learn every day. It’s how to deal with a situation that makes it a normal day of learning or an embarrassing issue. I was humble enough to tell my friend calmly what the word meant without her feeling dumb. However, my English teacher opened his eyes wide and repeated the word and then dropped a heavy dictionary on my desk. (I was currently taking test. I was embarrassed) I would have preferred the first treatment to the second.  You live and learn. One person cannot have all the information that you have. Deal with it and always be a humble teacher to others.

If I start today, I can be a great success. I will show up those people that thought I was not worthy of friendship because of their own issues. I am just a person who wants to be loved, just like anyone else. I just want to show the world how normal I am. I am not special. I am just a regular person who wants a regular life. But the positive life, not the negative kind. I don’t wanna deal with baby daddies or a heroin addiction. I want to see my mistakes and be humble enough to help the people around me, as well as myself.

I am still looking for jobs, but I am being picky. I won’t just say yes to anything that will give me a good paycheck. As I enter my thirtieth year of life, I want to do what I WANT to do. No one will make me feel sad. No one will make me feel stupid. No one will make me feel lonely. It’s just want I want. Selfish 2020 will be an interesting year. Every day, I want to hide in my house and ignore people. I want my full attention to be on learning and knowing as much as I possibly could. I have even been thinking of never having kids. Too much pain with a partner would be in my future. I just know it. Although there is happiness in children, I just cannot see a man in my future who would be kind, sincere, loyal and trustworthy. There is no one else (non-romantically) that can make me grow. It’s just something that I understand to be true at this point in my life.

Other than my TV addiction, my phone addiction is coming to light. I have deleted many social media apps and have also put my phone on vibrate or mute ONLY. I cannot have the ring of an app or phone call make my brain salivate for the need of human communication. There is no one that does not live with me that I don’t need to immediately need to hear from. That’s a blessing to know. A regular person will hear from me in my own time. They need to respect me. They do not already respect me. Not how they treat me right now.

So there it is. It is me against the world. I need this. I want this. I do not want to have others make this a problem for me. To those who are used to me messaging back right away or being that listening ear: I am not in this to serve you any more. I do not care about your feelings or about your schedule. Be a friend who will make my life better, not worse. Please do not be another heavy thing that I need to carry. Understand my feelings. Understand that I cannot go on as how I used to be. I feel too broken, too empty and too angry to deal with you. Get back to me later when I have my own life settled.

Truth. Success. Humility. Responsibility. Perseverance. Failure. Defending intelligence.

It is all I want to do now.

 

Forgiving Myself For Social Mistakes

Subtle Language

So I had bronchitis this past week. Hacking up a lung is never fun. I went to a wedding and there was a guy smoking like a chimney behind me. I escaped to the lobby for some fresh air where I saw the bride. After a happy exchange, she asked me what I was doing. I told her I was “escaping” from the smoke and she took concern over my health and told me to take care of myself. After that exchange, I left without saying goodbye due to her disappearing into a massive sea of guest dancing.

What I really should feel bad about but don’t: Leaving without saying goodbye.

What I feel bad about: Said that I was “escaping.”

Why did that make me feel horrible?: Because of the wording of how I said it. Telling the bride that you are escaping her wedding is probably not the best thing to say to a bride on her wedding day.

Would she even care I did or said any of that?: Most likely not.

Did I tell a bunch of people about how bad I felt about this meaningless exchange?: You better believe it.

What did they say?: That I was fine.

Duh.

Two-Weeks Notice & Life Lessons

I submitted my two weeks today for my second job.

I gathered myself and said that being unhappy was not gonna fly in 2018.

This year will be about self-healing. I cannot heal if I am unhappy every day.

I have proven that I am willing to change. But I know that I am no where NEAR where I need to be.

Where do I need to be? There is a willingness inside of me that has turned to stone over many many years. I need to chip away at the stone and find out all my potential.

I keep going back to the same place in my mind and I need to not go back anymore. I have always struggled with moving on. I keep finding myself living in the emotions of the past. The habit of the past. Not preventing them in any way. Not growing.

One of the things I learned in life is that if you don’t speak up, bad things will happen. If you don’t accept that government employees at the DMV have the right to be bad at their jobs and totally disrespect you, then it is okay to make a scene. I got what I needed that day despite their incompetence. If you see a baby lost and circling the front of a store, then it is okay to step in and take the kid to the front desk. If you forget a charge you made on a credit card or could have sworn that it was paid, then you can call up the company and have it fixed. If the car shop owner hangs up on you when you ask for the third time about a service that he was supposed to provide, but forgot, then it is okay to explore other avenues and get what you need done. That is knowing when the battle is over, but did not lose anything in the process.

Endless paperwork. Long days of a job that gives you exhaustion. Co-workers that don’t align to your standards of basic human concern. Friends that don’t ask about your life even though you were in their presence for two hours. New diet involving no carbs or sugar. New symptoms of a skin rash or a new color emerging on your body.

There will always be something. You just have to speak up.

It was against my nature because I was trained to observe and not react. The current people around me don’t care about success, but they always complain about not having money. I don’t see any personal success in anyone other than a select few. I like knowing that those who strive for more in a positive way are around me. But those who complain, don’t do anything about anything and are constantly negative will be around me for a while.

I got off topic. Not having this job is scary financially. But it can also be an opportunity. Writing. Exercise. Cooking. Those are my topic choices for the three-four hours of free time each day.

I want to live somewhere cold in the winter. I have decided this. Last time, I came back because I missed one of my friends. Now, I have a significant other to think about as well. But if I have to spend the summer boiling, that will make me unhappy. Watching TV and not doing anything else will make me unhappy. I would rather be the one to experience great things rather than watch someone on TV do it. I have seem different Travel Channel hosts travel to the same place, but I, myself have never gone.

I am trying. I know I have commentaries about people, but it all comes down to loneliness. I feel alone in my thoughts and ideas. There aren’t many people who want to be ambitious around me. There are no people who say, “Can I join you? I will do whatever it takes.” But instead there are people who say, “I can never do that! It’s not my thing.” I have dealt with this a lot. So much to the point where I give in and do what everyone else is doing.

I will try to treasure those who give a crap about me. Sometimes I give too much attention to those who don’t and I just hate life. I can’t help it. I will say that as you get older, that you care less about what other people think. Manoj Bhargava said it best when he said that he didn’t think anyone was doing anything right. People can only tell you the mistakes to be made but there really no formula to success. You watch people on Shark Tank only to see that the high tech product that they spent four-times their life-savings on is horrible. I want to apply this to other parts of my life as well. One of the reasons why Psychology didn’t work out for me was the fact that there were people who you had to depend on for their emotions, money, accolades, respect. (The research field) And I know that if I see people who have made poor choices over and over again, that I would get depressed quickly. (The clinical field) There is skill involved for both, but the patience or butt-kissing would be too much. Something that I could not do. AND YET I tell myself, that I should still pursue it. JUST BECAUSE I hold a degree in it. I am confused.

Money is something I hate. School is too much. I would like to go back to school but I am scared about being as unmotivated and a bad procrastinator as last time. There was no vision. I was following the pack. The weakest link on several occasions. I don’t even want to go back to UCLA because I did myself a great injustice there. I am literally still paying the price.

I am trying to work up the courage to go back again. ONLY ONE person has ever taken interest in this. When I told her an idea I had, unbeknownst to me, she researched it and gave me a print out to help me. I was so touched. There has been encouragement to stick to my Keto diet, but there has been no encouragement to my future. There have only been, “You should go back if you want a better job,” with no sense of direction. Now that I see this, it sounds like I just want someone to do the work for me. But in truth, I just want someone to be interested.

Never trust a guidance counselor. They are not interested in you.

From what I learned, you just gotta hustle. You gotta get your head in and call people out. You have to ask a million questions to get the right responses from people. Some people change their minds midway or you simply cannot trust what they have to say. I cannot tell you the unimaginable pain it is to be on the phone and they have to redirect you so much that they redirect you back to the first person you talked to. That is an example of a modern-day battle. You gotta grow courage and get some balls. People don’t care about you, because they care about themselves first. The government won’t tell you about special programs that can help you because they don’t want you to use them. That’s life.

How messed up is that?

Anyway, I am gonna do it. I am gonna apply to school again I am going back to community college, I decided. I am gonna try this computer science thing that I wanted to do 10 years ago.

I can do it.

White-Washed & Bland

Max Goff. Bassist who plays with Tom Odell. I like him. ;)

Max Goff. Bassist who plays with Tom Odell. I like him. 😉

My friend, The Warrior, asked me what kind of guy I would be into. She said that she had someone in mind, but wanted to hear what I had to say first. I hesitated. I started saying things that I didn’t like hearing. It was surprising to me. I just couldn’t tell her straight up what I wanted in a man. We both knew how it sounded coming from my mouth: white-washed and bland.

I had some time to think about my answer. I am not sure I like it, but here goes.

I would like a man who loves me and will always want to love me.
I would like a man who knows that I love him no matter what.
I don’t want a man who needs to prove that he is the only person that I will ever need, because that isn’t true.
I would like a man who wasn’t just nice to me to get married and becomes a monster after we take our vows.
I don’t want a man who has an anger problem because that shit is something that I don’t need in my life.
I would like a man who has his own interests and hobbies, whether he wants to share them or not is his choice.
I would like a man who challenges me and makes me want to be a better person.
I would like a man who wants the best without belittling me or patronizing me in the process.
I would like a man to say sorry when he does wrong and feels like he needs to make it up to me.
I would like a man to not keep marriage-ending secrets or hide things from me because he could.
I would like a man who wants to not screw up our kids and wants to give them opportunities and hope for themselves.
I would like him to want to love his family but not think that he has to be the sole savior for them.
I would like him to come to me to discuss our finances, our future prospects and anything that might be bothering him.
I would like him to want to be a man with opinions and not some “yes dear” creation of marriage.
I would like a man who would want to be a better man in anything that he does.
I want him to know that I don’t want to cut his balls off.
I would like him to feel comfortable being silly around me.
I would like him to think that his ethnicity does not give him a right to act a certain way. (I can’t go up against the world all the time)
Tall, dark and handsome, I guess would be a plus.
I just want him to be a good man who doesn’t bore me.

It’s not detailed at all. It’s bland and white-washed. I am more focused on what he can deliver rather than what he is into- although that is just as important. I guess it should be the other way around. What kind of guy would I want? Like, would he have to be really into watching movies and TV? Would he be into reading and writing? Would he be into computers? Would he be into playing with kids? Would he be into science? Would he be into Antarctica? Would he be into hockey? Would he be into Youtube? Would he be into all the stuff I hate? Would he be into all the stuff I used to like? Would he just ONLY like to talk about himself? Would he never like to talk? What a difference likes and dislikes are!

And perhaps I am not even mentioning personality traits? I don’t want a know-it-all academic, a mono-toned bore, a super-handsome ladies man, a bad boy dropout, a sleazeball who only wants to watch porn, an emo crybaby, an ugly constant self-downer, a religious man who controls my “sinning” ways, a super-shy shut-in, a poor restaurant worker with no ambition, a super-rich guy who doesn’t care to remember details about me, an OCD social butterfly who criticizes my looks, a constant weenie, a politically-obsessed suit with a non-stop tongue, a techie who ignores me for his phone, a guy who looks better in my jeans than I do and tells me so… etc. You know, the shallow stuff that we judge people on when we first meet them. (But this is worse because you have the opportunity to date and possibly get married to them. Might as well know the bad stuff.

What does a normal, nice guy even mean? Any guy can be nice. That is perhaps the scariest part of the search. And it’s more than just sexual attraction. (Not that that it is not considered!) I want to be attracted to his brain too.

How do I begin to answer my friend’s question?

Falling into the Crevasse

“The Hardest Rock In The World To Find…”

A weight has been lingering above me for a while now. The weight of comfort and mind-numbing stupidity. It seems to have gotten worse since I’ve moved back to California. I have no discernible skills. Even my smile is different somehow. Less frequent. I want and want and want. I assume and predict and plan… Nothing is working out. I am getting older and leaving less room for growth. It’s enough to talk the talk, but walking the walk is unbearable. Everything is unbearable. It has always been a chore to do anything. The way I see the world has set me back on multiple occasions. It’s like that feeling you get when you try something you have always had severe reservations about only find out that you really like it or are just starting to understand it. That is what I mean.

I’ve just learned a lot about myself… Most importantly, I am kind of a loner. I try to force myself not to be, but it just doesn’t work out. What happens to the loners who want to be social? Nothing good apparently. You just confuse yourself with trying to please and be likable with the basic elements of friendship. I wonder a lot about how I am supposed to act or empathize with different people. I can’t be someone I am not. The person I am is silent, crude and kind of a slob who cannot empathize without wanting to run away from the beginning of a sad story. That said, I am also a runner. Not so much literally so much as figuratively. I run away from my problems. I like to disappear without a trace. I don’t like people knowing where I am. It’s a closed off kind of world for me.

People learn about themselves around high school and college. They are explorers: they meet different people, try new things, have romantic relationships, aren’t so tired to do anything risky. In another life, I would have been one of these people. I know that I have the ability to be one of these normal people. Normal. Such a word I have been trying to achieve all my life. There is no normal. Only abnormal.

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story.  From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked.  One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn’t quite make out.  I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose.  I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.  ~Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar, Chapter 7

One of the parts from Master of None that stuck with me was when Aziz Ansari’s character read this quote from Silvia Plath. Having read this book quite recently, I almost forgot that this is one of the major parts of Esther Greenwood’s life that I really felt like we had in common. Instead of figs, I just imagined getting older and mind-numbingly more stupid to be able to do the things I wanted.

So what are my paths? How do I find the “hardest rock?” (A metaphor for stability and success that I am trying to tie into this blog post. Is it working?) How do I go on from here? Do I just accept that mistakes cannot be avoided? Do I just accept that I cannot be the smartest person in class? Do I just accept that there is no way for someone I like to just look at me and ask me out? Do I just accept that there is no way to be religious and successful at the same time? Do I just accept that the weight will never come off easily? Do I just accept that people might not always be there for me? Do I just accept that there are many people who want to take advantage of me? Do I just accept that love is sometimes conditional and fleeting? Do I just accept that I might never have free time ever again if I decide to commit to something? Do I just accept that people are mostly shallow? Do I just accept that I have to be selfish and mean sometimes if I want to get the things that I want? Do I just accept that I might need to stay on medication for the rest of my life? Do I just accept that I never should be able to change my mind once I have committed to something? Do I just accept that I will never be a millionaire? Do I just accept that jealousy is inevitable even to the best of us? Do I just accept that the people I love will leave my life someday? Do I just accept that I will be alone in a world filled with people who are together? Do I just accept that accepting others can only be done once I accept myself? Do I just accept that I can never be pretty once I pass a certain stage in my life? Do I just accept that I can never say, “I’ll do it tomorrow?” Do I just accept that I can never blame my parents? Do I just accept that I might never get to travel the world? Do I just accept that people will just not like me for no reason? Do I just accept that there is nothing wrong with me? Do I just accept that I might not be able to do everything that I have always wanted to do?Do I just accept that I can never hide away from the pain of living life?

Yes.

Thanks My Friend

She was someone who I thought stole my hard-earned spot. She came in and I was ignored, forgotten by the others. I didn’t have their history, their chemistry. I was an outsider when I tried to fit in. But then again, I never really felt like it was all that important to my group. I was missing something. Courage, interests, crazy teenager ideas, none of which I was defined as. But then, after a period of nonstop disappointments from my group of friends, coupled with a depressing period in my life, she stood out. The person who I thought had stolen my place in my group actually became much closer to me than anyone in the group I started out with. She wasn’t perfect, but no one was. She treated me like a friend more than any of them, even after graduation. We still kept in touch. We still hung out. She put in effort to see me. She put effort in my birthday presents. She explored logical ideas with me and although we had our arguments, it wasn’t off-putting. I admired her point of views, and the way she taught herself many things. Once in a while I tried to take interest in her world and did my best to be genuine about it. I tried to be honest and respectful. I tried to make her laugh and create inside jokes. Although she couldn’t help with all my problems, I didn’t expect her to. Sometimes just having the option to hang out with her made me feel less lonely and worried about my own life. She was an ear when I needed her to be. She was on my side when I was in arguments with others or with the world. She was there for me when I needed her to be, not all the time, but most of the time. She didn’t smother me or be needy like I sometimes am towards her. But I knew she was one of the few that cared about me as much as I cared about her. She has taught me many things, shared with me her stories and interests, got me to go to concerts I would have never gone to, take me to places that I wouldn’t have wanted to go alone… and for that, she is special to me. I hope that we will be friends for the rest of our lives. She keeps me informed. She keeps me interested. She keeps me in awe of her. Thank you my friend.

Happy Birthday to the Roman Goddess of Wisdom.