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ChokingĀ 

I have been coughing all night. I cannot sleep. I wonder about you. Many nights I wonder my purpose. I wonder my hate. I wonder my love. I know you. Do you know me? Do you know the long nights I think about you? Do you know that I am mixed up? Do you know that all your actions have a clear effect on me? I am here and I am tired. I cry into this sleepless night alone. I am falling into my old habit of waiting. I am waiting. Am I waiting for you or am I waiting for all the sadness to go away? Are you part of my sadness? Maybe. Are you part of my happiness? Maybe. There is no perfect answer… 

I am coughing. I am choking. I am not happy.

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Barely Any Ink Left

I am so petty. I feel like I am being mad on purpose. I am gonna move soon, my boyfriend won’t be in the country until next week and I am now dealing with personal space at work. I have never had someone work under me before. But this girl is taking a bunch of my pens straight from my pencil cup… My favorite pens… For her own use. I am so petty. Each pen is $1.50 but they are from a cheap Japanese store called Daiso, which is only located in the valley. I am telling myself that I know that I have always been possessive, but this is ridiculous. I like writing with these pens. They all know that they are mine and that there are only a few left. Barely any ink left. I know what to do… I am gonna wait until next weekend and…………

_____I’ll have you, the reader know that I am writing this post at work… And before I finished that last paragraph. The assistant in question came into my room and asked for my pen, my last good pen… I talked to her about the pen and she says that she just likes it so much to write with. I told her that I will go out and buy more next weekend so that we can all use them. It seems okay so far.

At least we talked about it. I mean, at least the pens will be bought on my own terms.

Remember TheHumanGirl, they are JUST PENS… No need to go over the edge…

A Lost Feeling

I feel so lost. People expect things from you. They expect that you will be polite to them even though you were not polite in the first place. They expect you to give them great gifts but you give them none. They expect cleanliness but you don’t like their standards. 

I don’t like where I am. I don’t like the people. I feel like I am living a life where I am not in control of my life. I hate this feeling. I want to change it.

The Senses

Negative thoughts troll my existence. I am mute with shock.

What did I see to make this become worse? There is no one to help me. I am beyond help.

I miss the dynamic duo. I miss colors and bold sounds. Everything feels the same. Nothing is better and almost nothing is worse. Taste is just an addiction. I smell things but don’t react. Who are you to think that there are nice things when I don’t feel like you can ever see what I see.

I complain and complain and I don’t know what to expect. Friends all around. TheirĀ happiness comes first for some reason. Their feelings and gestures are memorized in my mind. Their actions seem to hurt me and make me feel unimportant. I know that there is nothing to hide from them, yet there are some that don’t feel with me. What makes you a good friend? Is it the fact that you know everything about me or the fact that you ask me the right personal questions. Further my emotional mind, my actions or my intellect? Who can help do all three? I go crazy with confusion and doubt. My mind is a wasteland of “What ifs? and Who does no one cares?” I know it never helps to cry over spilled milk, but after a while you crave cereal, don’t you?

I sing a song over and over again. I look down and weep from that missed tune. You are there but will never be mine. I will never get to hug you or smell your hair and skin. I will never see that smile and perfect body. I will never hear your soft voice or laughs. I will never know what the taste of your mouth is like.

The look I sport is depressing and unattractive. It mirrors my feelings. People don’t know that about me. I love to feel pretty and put-together. I love to put makeup on and spend time coloring my eyes. I love making jokes without planting a frown moments later. I love hearing the music I love in the car. I love drinking an ice cold coffee beverage to alcohol. I love dancing like nobody is watching. I love celebrating after I overcame something.

But lately, all the colors come together. All the smells mix with clouds. All the voices are monotone. All the fabrics feel like wool. All food tastes like a sugary mess. I do what I am told more often. I eat more crap than I used to. I feel more itchy and hear more cursing. Everything smells like alcohol and body odor.

Am I able to leave you? Do you care if that happens?

I feel like I do your dirty work. I am the shack and you are the mansion. You reach out to me when you need an ear. You do everything for you. I am full of hate for you. I am hearing your words but I don’t listen to them. You know that I hate it. You know that I don’t care about those emo ways of yours, yet, you persist. You persist making my ears bleed with you talk about your “cause.” Your “beliefs.” I don’t care.

Sometimes I feel like not caring makes me stupider.

I feel that the things I care about shrink as each year passes. All my senses are affected for this strange reason. My walls tear down and a blank mind replaces it. I don’t know how to handle it.

A Face

You cause me to smile when no one is there. You make my mind sing with delight. You are a person that I would never want to forget.

When my company is thin or nonexistent, you are still there to warm me.

Your sound is like the smoothness of warm, sugary coffee. Your height as tall as a black bear standing at its feet. I want you near.

I don’t owe you anything. I want nothing but one thing in return. You are the only one who can give it to me.

I can feel your heartbeat get faster and faster. I touch your warm skin. I am always colder than you.

I lay unhappy tonight and for the rest of nights.

 

Happy New Year.

Choices

I have recently come into a life-altering decision. Is my heart in this? Is my mind up to this? Is this the only option?

I don’t know what to think or feel. All I can think of is how my life will be very different… again. Being “stable” isn’t something I know all too well and I don’t think that it will ever happen.

I CHOSE this. I will do my best because I think I should. I think that it’s about time I do something substantial in a small setting. (Granted that the setting leads to somewhere)

My eyes are heavy. My mind is scattered. My pulse is fast. What if this is the wrong choice?

P.S. I got a job offer today. There are serious pros and cons, but I can make this work.

Come

In this vast open land, I see a person. A person that is open and honest even if the consequences are against her. I can see where she stands, so elegant and unafraid. She spends her time looking around, not really saying much. She is alone and at times, stares at her phone to text back a short hello. Sometimes she laughs or smiles about something I cannot see or understand. Other times, she cries. She cries out of sadness, happiness, confusion and anger. I can never really ask her which affects her the most or the quickest. When I walk up to her, I can see that her eyes are tired. I can see that she is pleased to see me. I never feel hated. There are times when I have seen her angry at the world and at lies it cannot stop telling. She understands that it will never stop, but she will never succumb to that level of accepted dishonesty. I ask her where she will go after she stands. She looks away in a distant gaze and changes the subject. I think that she doesn’t think she can go anywhere else. She has stood here for so long that she doesn’t know where to go. She thinks that the world is filled with dishonest and distant people. I want to disagree but I don’t know how to defend my stance. When I hear her voice, it’s like listening to a person with a past untold. She looks more tired the longer I look and ask her questions. I feel tired after I hear her answer. Her elegant form becomes more slouched and chaotic. What does she wait for? Who does she wait for? Why does she wait only at this place? Does she do it because she is comfortable? Or just the opposite? Is it a penance? Does she know if she is lost? Or perhaps she has found herself a new home? I want to know her and I also don’t want to know her.

But she still stands. Seemingly waiting for the truth.

P.S. I did something terrible today.

You Fell Asleep

You fell asleep right before I mentioned what was bothering me. This incomplete thought. These narrow feelings. My anger surges alone, with no one to calm me. There are untold things that I need to say to you. I want your opinion. I want your concern. I just don’t want to be alone. I need you around me. I need your comforting voice. I need you to tell me that all the bad will end and all the good will come soon. I need you to tell me that you will listen and try to understand my misunderstood life. I miss you in the dark tonight. My window is open. Can you hear me howl in a somber longing? It’s not fair to think of you fast asleep in your bed while I stay awake thinking of you. I hug my knees and hope that you will answer that text or call me any minute. I know you won’t.

Undecidable Ship

I curse your name into the air around me. I curse the feelings that I have for you. You will not yield to me. You have never yielded to me. How is it that I can function with pure energy day by day? How is it that this crappy lifestyle hasn’t ended already? YOU. It has always been the undecidable you. You want everything but I have never been able to give you everything. You want me to do this and then do that. And then when you get frustrated with this, you quit until the love of doing it again a few months later emerges. I can’t understand you. I can’t hear your words without anxious thoughts. There is no calm when you are so up in the air. But I know this: You will land in many places. You are not just one entity that I can drown in, but more like an unsinkable cruise liner with the coast guard nearby when that time comes. You are my safety when I cannot reach beachy land. You, a necessary struggle. But I am not as strong yet. Yet. Undecidable words.

I worry that I will never find you in this storm.

P.S. I have been wanting to buy VERY expensive things lately.

In a Corner of a Closet (Death Part I)

Death is a funny concept. I have thought about it all my life. What is life anyway? I have thought about death for many years and its relation to the world we live in. I understood that death was something that happened to people and animals. I understood that by leaving this world, you leave behind many things. When I was little, I often wondered who would take my Barbie dolls or my money that I saved up in a plastic heart-shaped box with a flimsy plastic lock. I would tell my siblings but they would joke around with the idea telling me that they would take my things after I was gone. But I would feel strange. Like my thoughts weren’t normal. Like constantly wondering about your own death and the repercussions that it would have were something normal little girls would not think about. I didn’t like to joke around with death but I did like to think about the emotions associated with it. Was it strange? Freaky and unnatural?

I think about my mortality every day, regardless of mood. However, mood helps me realize what kind of death I think about. A relatively good or neutral mood might conjure up the death of others and how I would cope with the idea of a stranger, a friend, or a family member being deceased. But a bad mood is a different story. A bad mood spirals hate and self-loathing. In other words, my death.

When you think about suicide most people cringe and call you mentally ill. When you over-think a way or a time that you would not like to die, people say you have anxiety. But when you really truly believe that life is given to you when you think it should go to someone else more deserving… then that is a whole other subject. What does that even make you? A humble person? No… An altruistic person? (In some way) Probably not… A depressed person? Possibly… An undeserving person? Sounds right… An ungrateful person? Maybe… The list can drag on and on. No certain answer. I have felt this more recently: Why life chose me? And am I doing the best I can with it? I would also say no to the latter. I feel like giving someone my skin and flesh in exchange for their own. But the cycle would just continue for me. Until I am lower and lower on the ranks of humanity. Until I could possibly not take it anymore. (But I probably would stick it out because of my personality.) And perish out of my lack of satisfaction with life.

There are deep feelings and words that I cannot share with you today. I cannot see life as an option sometimes when I know that I cannot save a life of another. Maybe I just want them to replace me. What if I were able to make that happen? What if they turn out to be a bad person? What if they don’t? They walk around with my body and are free to do whatever they want to it. Unsettling thoughts. Relieving thoughts.

The only out-of-body experiences I’ve had were in a couple of dreams. They felt right somehow. I have watched many things in my life. I feel like the voyeur and not the main actor. I would screw up my lines and laugh too much. Not an accomplishment, but it sums up many of the accomplishments that I have made.

So live your life. Look at your face and body. Inspect your hands. This is real. And it is really happening.

End.