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Broken-Hearted

When a heart drops you never forget it.

It’s as painful and someone punching your “trusty” gut.

You see the warm, beating ticker turn ice cold,

And shatter into a million pieces, as it makes contact with the ground.

When you realize that your heart was beating for all the reasons you questioned,

You feel like a fool.

Broken Mind.

Broken Heart.

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Backtracking: A Year in Semi-Review

On an awesome note, I was in bed last night and I was happy. For the first time in a LOOOOOONG time, I felt happy. I felt like how I felt like when I was in school as a kid. Content. It was a great feeling.

Truthfully, I do not need things. Maybe an upkeep of items and clothes, but I do not desire much anymore. I think this is an important part of myself that I am trying to embrace. I have money (not if I keep spending it on Hulus of the world), I have people around me (maybe some are not the type of people I like all the time, but okay for now), I have things I need – There is reason to move on.

This year was important for a couple of things. The first being my parents meeting my boyfriend and not exploding. The second being moving out of my house and making mistakes. The third being getting off the medication that I was on. The fourth being having enough humility to move back in with my parents. The fifth being saving money. The sixth being less sad and more motivated.

I feel like this was a year that was not great, but a year of learning. I would not be the same person if I hadn’t moved out in a blind sense of rage and sadness, I would not learn that “Sure I can make it on my own, but at what cost to my sense of health, mental stability and financial hardship?” I had to accept things that I did not want to accept that were in my family. I was stressed all the time. ALL the time. I gained almost thirty pounds. It was not pretty. I wanna call those few months either “Mini Hell” or “Stress to the Heart” because it really was. I had to worry about things out of my control and I just needed to accept them.

I took some antidepressants a while back and I made the decision to get off of them. For me, it served its purpose. – Making me not have as many suicidal thoughts. I stopped taking them when I moved out. I was still depressed but I just did not have the time to be depressed anymore. I had to hustle and earn money. I got fatter. And fatter. Stress-eating was how I coped. Stretch marks- GIANT, red stretch marks- came out of nowhere. I will never have the same body every again. Another thing I had to deal with that was no longer in my control. My foot pain came back and multiplied to my other foot. Another hit. I got out of my lease with my loser roommate and moved back home – defeated, sad, in need of some sense of stability. It was in these few months (August to now) I was working on myself. Trying to loosen the stress one day at a time. The thing is, I didn’t really know I was doing this until now. Resetting where I was a year ago. But the difference is that I have had a few experiences that have shaped me.

One of the things that I am now is that I don’t like working. I don’t like working for a small business. I think they are shady and guilt you too much. I don’t like people. The assistant at work and my roommate from my apartment this year confirmed this for me. I don’t like kids as much as I thought I did. I think if they were my own that it would be different, but would it? I work with kids with intellectual disabilities and I truly hope that I won’t have a kid like that. The parents that do have a responsibility and sometimes I had to watch them fail. And when they did fail, I did not want to be in that room. I like positive friends. There was this nurse at work who would tell me the truth, but it depressed me. Like she was controlling my life’s choices. Although I appreciated her honesty, it was like she was telling me what to do that got my panties in a bunch. As for my assistant, I lost faith in the millennial generation because of her. She fooled her way to normal and that became so apparent, I wish I could be in an alternate universe where I can never see her again. But I learned how unfair I was because of her. I would see her standing there doing nothing and I would get mad. Why? Because I am an anal person. I want things to be done a certain way, but I can’t expect those around me to do the same because they are different people.

One thing is for sure: I am tired. Just tired and I have to keep going. Sometimes I don’t want to. Sometimes I just feel like quitting. Sometimes I feel like it is appropriate to quit. When you are unhappy and see nothing but a dead end, that’s where a red flag pops up. Quitting is not always a bad thing, unless it is for something you KNOW you should not be doing. I am quitting on Coursera, but it doesn’t mean I will stop learning. I just need to find something right for me to do. I have a tendency of sticking with something I don’t like because it’s something I “should do” instead of want to do. Certain friends and some big decisions in my life have been thought of that way.  Where has it led me? Misery. Plain and hurtful misery. In high school, I quit reading books I liked. I think that’s where it started for me. I quit doing something I loved to do causally, because the books I liked to read weren’t the “right books” to read. My friends read the classics. School made you read the classics. “Therefore, I should read the classics.” My bookcase was filled with books my school/friends enjoyed, but I didn’t. Pressure piled on and I broke. Nothing was mine anymore. There was nothing to work hard for. Just misery. I took up no significant hobbies since then. I talked the talk but didn’t walk the walk. I floated through life.

When the only person I looked up to crashed and burned, my life really had no meaning. I struggled to find a meaning. A motivation. Religion isn’t just one person, it’s a group of people. I hated the people. No meaning could be found there. My friends carried hardship, financial distress and negativity. I didn’t like them. I was alone. Seeking happiness in TV shows and movies. This is still a thing now. That’s why I am afraid of Hulu and Netflix. But I just love watching TV so much. It’s a big part of me.

ANYWAY, I hope this was a good recap to where my life is. My boyfriend tells me that I should get a hobby all the time. He has so many. We share a hobby of flying kites. That is something that I enjoy doing with him in the colder months. (Because standing in the hot sun is not our idea of a good time. The new Blinkest app I got is about success and motivation. Something I am into right now. I have listened to NPR’s podcast, “How I Built This” and have been inspired. I like listening to that stuff. Whether or not I get off my ass and build a business is no one else’s judgement. If my hobby is listening to this app and that podcast, then that’s it. Why should it go any further?

I don’t know where I will be in 5 years. I do know that I want a job with benefits. I just want to be secure. What I do know about my professional life is that I am a hard worker who likes to know how her job is done and make it more efficient and more creative. The only thing holding me back is my current boss and those around me. (Also how fast I want things done. I still need to work on chilling out) I was wondering of getting an MBA. One of my best friends is doing it so I was all, “Who cares?! Maybe we can own a business together!” But that is just wishful thinking. I can still go the computer programming route and see where that leads me.

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So I wrote this over a month ago. German was not originally bolded and I bolded it today. I really want to learn German and I feel like having it on the list will help. Just a visual thing.

I will do 6 things… That’s all.

So back in September, I came across this article about Warren Buffet’s 2-List strategy. I forgot which site it was on, but most of them talk about it the same way about this pilot needing help with his career and Warren Buffet magically helped him. (Kinda strange that no one has followed up with the pilot to see if this strategy works… but whatever)

I like this strategy because it’s visual and each goal requires mastery or achievement in order to go to the next one. I guess you can make them as little or as big of a goal as you want but I am starting small.

You are supposed to make a list (ugh) of 25 goals. You circle 5 that are the most needed and basically block the others out.

  1. Go to gym 5 days a week.
    • Lose 20 pounds
  2. Learn Java
  3. Take the GRE
  4. Master subtle makeup
  5. Get a full-time job you like
  6. Learn German
  7. Learn how to edit videos
  8. Make an app
  9. Write a book
  10. Write a screenplay
  11. Make a comic strip & share online
  12. Learn Arabic
  13. Go back to school
  14. Rap a fast rap song
  15. Talk to an Antarctica expert
  16. Write a rap song and record one
  17. Stretching: Touch the floor with my palms
  18. Master making bread
  19. Master simple hairstyles
  20. Carve a wooden figure
  21. Run a mile in under nine minutes
  22. Go to gym 5 days a week.
    • Lose 20 pounds
  23. Go to gym 5 days a week.
    • Lose 20 pounds
  24. Go to gym 5 days a week.
    • Lose 20 pounds
  25. Go to gym 5 days a week.
    • Lose 20 pounds

 

 

Choking 

I have been coughing all night. I cannot sleep. I wonder about you. Many nights I wonder my purpose. I wonder my hate. I wonder my love. I know you. Do you know me? Do you know the long nights I think about you? Do you know that I am mixed up? Do you know that all your actions have a clear effect on me? I am here and I am tired. I cry into this sleepless night alone. I am falling into my old habit of waiting. I am waiting. Am I waiting for you or am I waiting for all the sadness to go away? Are you part of my sadness? Maybe. Are you part of my happiness? Maybe. There is no perfect answer… 

I am coughing. I am choking. I am not happy.

Barely Any Ink Left

I am so petty. I feel like I am being mad on purpose. I am gonna move soon, my boyfriend won’t be in the country until next week and I am now dealing with personal space at work. I have never had someone work under me before. But this girl is taking a bunch of my pens straight from my pencil cup… My favorite pens… For her own use. I am so petty. Each pen is $1.50 but they are from a cheap Japanese store called Daiso, which is only located in the valley. I am telling myself that I know that I have always been possessive, but this is ridiculous. I like writing with these pens. They all know that they are mine and that there are only a few left. Barely any ink left. I know what to do… I am gonna wait until next weekend and…………

_____I’ll have you, the reader know that I am writing this post at work… And before I finished that last paragraph. The assistant in question came into my room and asked for my pen, my last good pen… I talked to her about the pen and she says that she just likes it so much to write with. I told her that I will go out and buy more next weekend so that we can all use them. It seems okay so far.

At least we talked about it. I mean, at least the pens will be bought on my own terms.

Remember TheHumanGirl, they are JUST PENS… No need to go over the edge…

A Lost Feeling

I feel so lost. People expect things from you. They expect that you will be polite to them even though you were not polite in the first place. They expect you to give them great gifts but you give them none. They expect cleanliness but you don’t like their standards. 

I don’t like where I am. I don’t like the people. I feel like I am living a life where I am not in control of my life. I hate this feeling. I want to change it.

The Senses

Negative thoughts troll my existence. I am mute with shock.

What did I see to make this become worse? There is no one to help me. I am beyond help.

I miss the dynamic duo. I miss colors and bold sounds. Everything feels the same. Nothing is better and almost nothing is worse. Taste is just an addiction. I smell things but don’t react. Who are you to think that there are nice things when I don’t feel like you can ever see what I see.

I complain and complain and I don’t know what to expect. Friends all around. Their happiness comes first for some reason. Their feelings and gestures are memorized in my mind. Their actions seem to hurt me and make me feel unimportant. I know that there is nothing to hide from them, yet there are some that don’t feel with me. What makes you a good friend? Is it the fact that you know everything about me or the fact that you ask me the right personal questions. Further my emotional mind, my actions or my intellect? Who can help do all three? I go crazy with confusion and doubt. My mind is a wasteland of “What ifs? and Who does no one cares?” I know it never helps to cry over spilled milk, but after a while you crave cereal, don’t you?

I sing a song over and over again. I look down and weep from that missed tune. You are there but will never be mine. I will never get to hug you or smell your hair and skin. I will never see that smile and perfect body. I will never hear your soft voice or laughs. I will never know what the taste of your mouth is like.

The look I sport is depressing and unattractive. It mirrors my feelings. People don’t know that about me. I love to feel pretty and put-together. I love to put makeup on and spend time coloring my eyes. I love making jokes without planting a frown moments later. I love hearing the music I love in the car. I love drinking an ice cold coffee beverage to alcohol. I love dancing like nobody is watching. I love celebrating after I overcame something.

But lately, all the colors come together. All the smells mix with clouds. All the voices are monotone. All the fabrics feel like wool. All food tastes like a sugary mess. I do what I am told more often. I eat more crap than I used to. I feel more itchy and hear more cursing. Everything smells like alcohol and body odor.

Am I able to leave you? Do you care if that happens?

I feel like I do your dirty work. I am the shack and you are the mansion. You reach out to me when you need an ear. You do everything for you. I am full of hate for you. I am hearing your words but I don’t listen to them. You know that I hate it. You know that I don’t care about those emo ways of yours, yet, you persist. You persist making my ears bleed with you talk about your “cause.” Your “beliefs.” I don’t care.

Sometimes I feel like not caring makes me stupider.

I feel that the things I care about shrink as each year passes. All my senses are affected for this strange reason. My walls tear down and a blank mind replaces it. I don’t know how to handle it.

A Face

You cause me to smile when no one is there. You make my mind sing with delight. You are a person that I would never want to forget.

When my company is thin or nonexistent, you are still there to warm me.

Your sound is like the smoothness of warm, sugary coffee. Your height as tall as a black bear standing at its feet. I want you near.

I don’t owe you anything. I want nothing but one thing in return. You are the only one who can give it to me.

I can feel your heartbeat get faster and faster. I touch your warm skin. I am always colder than you.

I lay unhappy tonight and for the rest of nights.

 

Happy New Year.

Choices

I have recently come into a life-altering decision. Is my heart in this? Is my mind up to this? Is this the only option?

I don’t know what to think or feel. All I can think of is how my life will be very different… again. Being “stable” isn’t something I know all too well and I don’t think that it will ever happen.

I CHOSE this. I will do my best because I think I should. I think that it’s about time I do something substantial in a small setting. (Granted that the setting leads to somewhere)

My eyes are heavy. My mind is scattered. My pulse is fast. What if this is the wrong choice?

P.S. I got a job offer today. There are serious pros and cons, but I can make this work.

Come

In this vast open land, I see a person. A person that is open and honest even if the consequences are against her. I can see where she stands, so elegant and unafraid. She spends her time looking around, not really saying much. She is alone and at times, stares at her phone to text back a short hello. Sometimes she laughs or smiles about something I cannot see or understand. Other times, she cries. She cries out of sadness, happiness, confusion and anger. I can never really ask her which affects her the most or the quickest. When I walk up to her, I can see that her eyes are tired. I can see that she is pleased to see me. I never feel hated. There are times when I have seen her angry at the world and at lies it cannot stop telling. She understands that it will never stop, but she will never succumb to that level of accepted dishonesty. I ask her where she will go after she stands. She looks away in a distant gaze and changes the subject. I think that she doesn’t think she can go anywhere else. She has stood here for so long that she doesn’t know where to go. She thinks that the world is filled with dishonest and distant people. I want to disagree but I don’t know how to defend my stance. When I hear her voice, it’s like listening to a person with a past untold. She looks more tired the longer I look and ask her questions. I feel tired after I hear her answer. Her elegant form becomes more slouched and chaotic. What does she wait for? Who does she wait for? Why does she wait only at this place? Does she do it because she is comfortable? Or just the opposite? Is it a penance? Does she know if she is lost? Or perhaps she has found herself a new home? I want to know her and I also don’t want to know her.

But she still stands. Seemingly waiting for the truth.

P.S. I did something terrible today.

You Fell Asleep

You fell asleep right before I mentioned what was bothering me. This incomplete thought. These narrow feelings. My anger surges alone, with no one to calm me. There are untold things that I need to say to you. I want your opinion. I want your concern. I just don’t want to be alone. I need you around me. I need your comforting voice. I need you to tell me that all the bad will end and all the good will come soon. I need you to tell me that you will listen and try to understand my misunderstood life. I miss you in the dark tonight. My window is open. Can you hear me howl in a somber longing? It’s not fair to think of you fast asleep in your bed while I stay awake thinking of you. I hug my knees and hope that you will answer that text or call me any minute. I know you won’t.