human condition

“The Best Revenge is Massive Success” -Frank Sinatra

We broke up last Tuesday. My heart was effectively broken. But… deep, deep, deep, deep, deep down, I knew that maybe, just maybe, we were not a good match. That little voice in my head is starting to be such a stupid, little know-it-all. But she is right. I just wish it did not sting so much.

I have been keeping busy since last week. I also am still jobless since the beginning of September 2019, sooooo I have a lot of time to just be sad. This week, I have been more productive than ever. I am going to just… study. I don’t want just another job. I want to have skills that will build up, not constantly become broken down every day. So I am going to just be the very best I can be. I will mooch off of my parents and my hard-earned savings until I figure it out.

I don’t want to go into another relationship for a long time. Seems like these “nice guys” are just as destructive as the bad boys. I don’t understand them. They loosely use “I Love You” like it’s something that is meaningless. I just can’t do it anymore. I am starting to feel like guys are scared of me. Not fearful of my fist but fearful of breaking my heart. I cannot look into some guy’s eyes and see truth. I am too disillusioned to feel real love for a significant other at the moment.

I am just going to focus on myself and “make it.” I got time. I got no kids. I got smarts. I am ready to tackle on the world. My new mission is to make the world see its stupidity and to be smarter and more advanced. It’s a heavy mission but I want to be part of the solution. The world is making people too comfortable. People need to feel safe and also be aware of the world around them. Wealth is happiness not endless money. I just want to show people that fact that I know all too well.

These past months of my joblessness were a good thing. You know what I did? I watched TV all day. I ate bad food all day. I did chores. I overcame my ptsd from my last job. I was able to reset my mind and realize what I want to feel. I was able to set up myself for a calmer outlook on my future. I was able to get to a point of happiness. I got to a point of endless days that feel like Saturday. I was able to think about my health and what I wanted out of working out. I was able to see the truth in the lies that the world tells us. I was able to overcome my self-humiliation about being a jobless, talent-less loser. I have looked back in my life and realized that I should’ve spoken up more and called people out. (The dumb, loud ones get all the attention.) I learned how to say “no” to people. I am busy. Deal with it dummies. I still struggle with friends and prioritizing my time over the demands of others. I had realized that I do not ever want to deal with clients. There are other people for that.

There are so many things that I learned. Most of it honed my observation skills. I realize that nothing is over unless you fight for it. Whether it is returning a purchase from seven years ago or seeing that you are being discriminated. Knowing which is which and how to deal with these things was what my parents could not teach me. You learn these things on your own. There is no one that can have the same experiences as me. I will always remember the time in high school when a friend asked me what a “skyscraper” was despite my brain freaking out about how she did not know this yet. Or the time in twelfth grade, and my teacher called me out about how I did not know the meaning of “non sequitur” at my age. Some things were just never learned. You learn every day. It’s how to deal with a situation that makes it a normal day of learning or an embarrassing issue. I was humble enough to tell my friend calmly what the word meant without her feeling dumb. However, my English teacher opened his eyes wide and repeated the word and then dropped a heavy dictionary on my desk. (I was currently taking test. I was embarrassed) I would have preferred the first treatment to the second.  You live and learn. One person cannot have all the information that you have. Deal with it and always be a humble teacher to others.

If I start today, I can be a great success. I will show up those people that thought I was not worthy of friendship because of their own issues. I am just a person who wants to be loved, just like anyone else. I just want to show the world how normal I am. I am not special. I am just a regular person who wants a regular life. But the positive life, not the negative kind. I don’t wanna deal with baby daddies or a heroin addiction. I want to see my mistakes and be humble enough to help the people around me, as well as myself.

I am still looking for jobs, but I am being picky. I won’t just say yes to anything that will give me a good paycheck. As I enter my thirtieth year of life, I want to do what I WANT to do. No one will make me feel sad. No one will make me feel stupid. No one will make me feel lonely. It’s just want I want. Selfish 2020 will be an interesting year. Every day, I want to hide in my house and ignore people. I want my full attention to be on learning and knowing as much as I possibly could. I have even been thinking of never having kids. Too much pain with a partner would be in my future. I just know it. Although there is happiness in children, I just cannot see a man in my future who would be kind, sincere, loyal and trustworthy. There is no one else (non-romantically) that can make me grow. It’s just something that I understand to be true at this point in my life.

Other than my TV addiction, my phone addiction is coming to light. I have deleted many social media apps and have also put my phone on vibrate or mute ONLY. I cannot have the ring of an app or phone call make my brain salivate for the need of human communication. There is no one that does not live with me that I don’t need to immediately need to hear from. That’s a blessing to know. A regular person will hear from me in my own time. They need to respect me. They do not already respect me. Not how they treat me right now.

So there it is. It is me against the world. I need this. I want this. I do not want to have others make this a problem for me. To those who are used to me messaging back right away or being that listening ear: I am not in this to serve you any more. I do not care about your feelings or about your schedule. Be a friend who will make my life better, not worse. Please do not be another heavy thing that I need to carry. Understand my feelings. Understand that I cannot go on as how I used to be. I feel too broken, too empty and too angry to deal with you. Get back to me later when I have my own life settled.

Truth. Success. Humility. Responsibility. Perseverance. Failure. Defending intelligence.

It is all I want to do now.

 

Confusing Happiness With Love?

I recently had an amazing experience with a guy. My first relationship ever. We had just gone on our third date together… and then he told me that he loved me…

Do I love him as much as he loves me? I repeated that I loved him back but I wonder if this is all going too fast… I have strong feelings for him, for sure, but I am wondering if I am just too insecure to tell him that I feel a little different.

I mean, I am the type that GROWS love for a person instead of just feel it right away.

I feel….

  • too inexperienced
  • too naive
  • too weak
  • too blind
  • too scared
  • too different
  • too worried
  • too scandalous
  • too confused
  • too nervous
  • too greedy
  • too selfish
  • too sensitive
  • too curious
  • too second-guessing
  • too horrible
  • too… loved… Is that a bad thing?

I am a wreck of emotions right now. I take time to think things over and I have thought it all over about what happened last night. What if we are different people hidden in a mask of googly-eyed love? He has already talked about marriage… I don’t want him proposing to me after a month… I need to take hold of the reigns here before it is too late…

-The Human Girl

 

P.S. What is it about me that makes him so into me? :/

Starbucks: A Human Chew Toy Story

Best chew stick ever.

Best chew stick ever.

Another drink. Another payment. Another fix. I knew that it would be bad to continue this habit- both for my wallet and my caffeine intolerance. But I continue anyway.

Those magnificent green sticks that stop hot liquid from escaping from the cups. Splash sticks, green stoppers, plastic plugs, green whatchamacallits, swizzle stick-stoppers, green plungers, special plugs, anti-escape liquid devices, plastic miracles… all acceptable names for it. (Don’t they all sound like sex toys?) My nickname is “the human chew toy” because I LOVE to chew on it.

Better than gum. Better than last night’s over-cooked steak. Better than the stickiest taffy you have ever had. Better than the actual Starbucks coffee. It is a miracle piece of BPA-filled plastic that satiates the mouth and curves with the white-colored cavity fillings on your teeth. It is almost useless anyway once your hot beverage has reached a certain level of emptiness. What a waste! Why not take the tip of this plastic wonder and move it back and forth against your teeth? Clickity, clack. Clickity, clack. Clickity, clack. Ahh… sweet, soothing sounds… but that is just the first step. Have you ever finished your hot, caffeinated beverage and thought, “Man… My mouth feel dry and I need some water. I don’t want to be dehydrated anyway.” But, alas!  You forgot to order a bright crystal Starbucks cup filled with ice-cold water! Have no fear! Don’t cry in your driver’s seat, fellow addicted citizen! That is what this spectacular green chew toy is for! After the first step of the emanating sounds of the green splash stick satisfyingly click your at your teeth, you are ready for it to touch your tongue! Feel the flat circular end of the splash stick gently cut between your newly dry taste buds. Feel the foreign object remind you of when you were a toddler when your parents screamed at you to remove a plastic toy from your mouth. Reminisce of your childhood vulgarities and smile that mean child’s smile that says, “I don’t give a shit about the germs in my mouth.” Then once you have reached that former Piaget child development stage that you suppress every day: chew, my friend. Chew that pliable green stick. Now, there are no rules to this. Some chew hard, and some hardly chew at all. The key is to chew enough to make you salivate. Oh my! That dried up tongue stained of coffee or tea will delight immediately! That fresh coat of your own spit and/or acidic bile will please the man or woman that chews at this [probably chemically-filled] stick. The green dye starts to fade to a lighter green due to the bending and munching. This is a happy sign for any human. But alas, there is an end to the madness. Friends, parents and co-workers alike might question your ravenous habit on the misshapen green toy. They might give you stares and ask why it has been in your mouth all day. Ignore these people. Have the green stick make you feel like a farmer with a blade of wheat hanging from your mouth reminding you of simpler times of human existence. Or perhaps a gangster with a joint that makes you feel like a badass. When you feel like it is time to rid of your chew toy, do it out of respect for the fallen green sticks everywhere. Throw it away when you start to choke from your excess saliva. Or it starts to displease your partner at your brother’s black tie charity ball. Or if you are just feeling like you need your mouth back to do normal mouth things. (Such as speaking without a lisp or eating solid foods) Just make sure to give your little splash stick a respectful goodbye by imparting a longing “thank you” stare before dropping it gently over your week old bananas and expensive coffee grounds your friend made you buy at that farmers market. Goodbye, my chew toy.

An addiction of happiness. An addiction of serenity. An addiction to Starbucks splash sticks.

P.S. Thanks Internet for letting me steal your dated ideas on what you call the splash sticks. Thank you brain for being addicted enough to Starbucks for inspiring me to make this VERY REAL blog post…

P.S.S. I am not condoning any theft of the splash sticks. Don’t steal away someone else’s primitive happiness in this cruel world that we are forced to live in.

P.S.S.S. Not for children. ANY OF THIS.

We Are the Heroes of Our Time…

Grand Canyon Sunset

Grand Canyon at sunset.

With the state of my uncertainty and anxiety towards the future I am reminded every day that there are possibilities. I quit my last job and I am starting a new job soon. I am unsure about this new job. Why waste my time with something that I am not one-hundred percent excited about? (Or at least 70%) Then it hit me, I was doing it for the money. An unspeakable disgrace to my personal beliefs. I grew up with the mindset of doing anything that I set my mind to, BUT I am just not sure where to begin. I am unsure about where my best lies. I haven’t tried any avenues for career exploration, self-improvement or even sticking to a job for a year. “Hey thehumangirl, where is your life going? Where will you live? What will you do for work?” I answer, “To be a hobo.” Because that is where I will end up if I don’t get it together. And by “it” I mean “passion for life and study.” I have learned things here in Colorado working at my sad retail job. I have also learned many things about myself as well as the other “humans” that I have been ignoring for so long.

RANT: I have learned that I just don’t like people. That’s that. People lie a lot and take their anger and annoyance out on you and all you have to do is to keep smiling. But I have also learned that those who smile are the weakest. They smile because they are told to. These smiley people who obey so blindly are just pawns who will never become more than followers. Then the leaders become dicks even though they were not dicks before they were leaders. END (ILLOGICAL) RANT.

No, but seriously, I wasn’t learning much in retail other than to be an adequate robot. I don’t think that’s what I want out of life. I want to lead in some way. But at this sad retail job, I wasn’t learning anything anymore. Stagnant. I felt the time ticking away. I saw myself as someone who would be there for too long, going home to a small apartment and watching expensive television up until bed. Useless future. This was not my plan for life. But then what is? What is this new job? Will it turn out the same? Probably. I have no passion for it other than the potential of it making me a lot of money so THEN I can start my purposeful life. Buuut… does that mean I should take a short cut and cut out this unexciting new job and fill it with experience for the later stuff?

I don’t know if I should take this other job. I want to go back to school and study for the real stuff… The “real stuff” being something that I actually WANT to do. However, I am torn as I want to do many, many things. But I know that I can’t be indecisive anymore. I MUST CHOOSE. It will be the hardest decision of my life. The MOST impacting. The most permanent. (Maybe not that, but something that lasts for a long time…) And it has been something that I have been struggling with for so long. Life is confusing.

-The Human Girl

P.S. In case you didn’t know, the title of this blog is a title of a song from the winner of the most recent Eurovision Song Contest, Mans Zelmerlow. I don’t know why I like this song so much…

Introspection

What is the meaning of life?

What a dumb question. The meaning of life is being a good person by doing good things and making sure happiness for yourself and those around you is constant. Religion, philosophy, some ethics and extremists of any kind will try to add to this – a.k.a MY answer to the meaning of life. For all I know the book Angels and Demons by Dan Brown had answered it beautifully without answering it at all. We all get caught up in our own human drama and that it is not like we can’t learn a different way to love and accept one another. Anyway, search over. A new kind of search is selfish now. Less so about the entire human race, but about a single person. In the end, THE question doesn’t generalize itself, but becomes about what is the meaning of my life?

I am writing with a gas fireplace on and a blizzard going on outside. Visibility looks horrible. I can see my car outside collecting the first few inches of snow. I cringe at the thought that I have to brush it all off tomorrow. But… I asked for this. It wasn’t anywhere NEAR like this living in California. In my “Cold Anticipation” blog from a while ago, I discuss that I came here because I felt too hot in heart/mind and that the California sun only made me worse. That was true. But has moving here really made me feel any better? I love the cold and there are moments that I just want to walk right into that blizzard outside and stay there. But I hesitate. I hesitate to try it. I hesitate to open that door and see if I can handle it. After all, it is a dumb idea. So to answer my own question, no, I am not totally happy, but I feel a tiny bit more happy here. But my hesitation plays a role. The fact that I still carry California plates on my car is a big tell about how I am feeling. I feel as though I can move back at any moment. And according to many others in my circle, I SHOULD move back. My cousin asked me why I came to Colorado. He tells me that it was not his interest but mostly his mother’s interest. Why I had left my whole life behind to come to a different state and work a low paying job at a major retailer? Was it worry? Concern? He was the first to really be so interested without pushing that I get a better job/life plan. There are three reasons why I left California. Three reasons that make me feel depressed year-round. None of the reasons deal with work, or school, or money. I feel like no one will ever know all three. I don’t understand them myself. Were they good reasons? Maybe…

I do wish that I had someone to share this with. I wish I had someone to share my Colorado experience. Like it feels wasted on me that I do so little. I get tips all the time at work but I never get a chance to do them because I didn’t want to do it alone. Imagine showing up at a popular restaurant and getting a table for one. I see movies alone but I will not go out to eat alone. There is so much to do and see and I here I am huddling in my cave.

If my family is right about something, it is about finding another job. My current job made me unhappy today. Just out of the blue. Took me by surprise.

I freeze in this snowy blizzard. I will freeze in place and time…