trying

Freedom

Freedom. What is it?

Currently, my freedom is being jobless. That’s right. Jobless. Truth be told: I do not hate it. Sure, I don’t contribute anything to society now, but I will. THAT much I know.  I quit my high stress job at the end of August. Truth be told, I still have nightmares that I am still working there. I know that anyone else would be happy with even having a job, but I just hated it. I liked my coworkers, but the work was unbearable.

So lets get back to the topic: Freedom. Freedom is knowing that you have some money in the bank while you figure things out while living with your parents at almost 30 years old. I sometimes feel like a spoiled little loser for thinking that but, to be honest, I am trying to just reevaluate my life while I have this last vacation of doing whatever I want. I have already learned that money isn’t everything, but it helps. I enjoy my friends’ company rather than receiving gifts from them. To create is rewarding. To learn is rewarding. To be able to explain something is rewarding. Knowing how to connect with people will only get you so far but talent in your work is worth a little something. Struggle is figuring out how to be confident in yourself and your actions. I am still struggling. I am a leader who has been told to follow her whole life and now I am a broken-down car on the side of the road: has potential but is currently useless.

I am coming to terms of my uselessness but I am also trying to praise myself for trying so many things in the past few years. I have had many jobs to see if I LIKED something. I have not yet, however. Nothing has made me feel whole or with purpose. Not teaching, not healthcare, not even counseling. I keep telling friends and family that I will get into tech and coding, but I think I just say that because I just need something to say. I like the allure of the tech industry but I hate the idea of the “industry” part. I want to part of something that I, alone, want to build up. I want to sacrifice everything for an idea I believe in, not just half-ass it. School has taught me to half-ass a lot of subjects that seemed pointless or uninteresting. Sure I did well, but it taught me that things come easy if you put in only a little work. THEY DO NOT. I repeat: THEY DO NOT COME EASY. This is because you have to be the one to keep challenging and motivating yourself to see if your best has a next step. One masterpiece just makes you a one hit wonder and you don’t want to be the person who keeps talking about how you were the shit in high school twenty years ago. I have been so used to complacency. I have fractured what I want out of life and I feel like I am figuring everything out like a teen about to go to college.

I have this last shot, last freedom, to do right by me. I have to ignore all the bad things about how I am the typical millennial, no good almost-30-year-old-loser talk, self-critical thoughts, and listen to the good things about me in order to follow the right path. I need to be positive now more than ever if I am to dig myself out of this hole I placed myself in.

I am not saying that I need the perfect job or the ultimate work-life balance, I just need to be happy with myself, my job and my decisions. I don’t want a big home (too much of a hassle to clean). I don’t want a million-dollar car (unless a lambo was a generous gift). I don’t need to be able to walk into a fancy jewelry store and get the biggest diamond available (why put weight on my workless fingers?). I would wear the same shirt of the rest of my life if that were possible (this is sooo true). I just want happiness in myself. I want a cozy place to call home and a spouse that gets me. I want hobbies that will entertain me and make me an interesting person. I want to be able to give back to society without a single person knowing who I was. I want to be able to have a kid without hyperventilating about the cost or about the societal danger of raising a child in today’s world. I want people around me to help tell my child that what she/he is doing is wrong and not think twice about how to jump in and stop bad behavior responsibly. It really takes a village. I want the freedom to change the world around me and not be down when something “bad” is in the way of “good.”

Freedom. People have died for this concept, both psychologically and physically. I understand how lucky I am. But I as understand my failures to getting this happiness thing that I want. No use repeating the past. I just need to build on what I lack, even when some old, know-it-all with all the past generations of luck and opportunity demean me. I can only move forward. I can only improve on my past. I can only keep a positive outlook on life.

It’s better than not trying at all.

Comfort.

I am comfortable here. I like my new queen sized bed. I like my bookcases filled with books to read. I like my desk and chair. I like my window with the bay seating. I like my blankets and pillows. I like my laptop. I like my carpet. I like my AC/heating duct placement. I like my track lighting and ceiling fan. I like my walk-in closet and clothes. I like the stuff I fill in my closet. I like listening to my old neighbor walk around the side of his house in the mornings. I like how I can hear the fire engine roar out of the firehouse down the street. I like seeing the military planes test flight right outside my window in the summers. I like how there is never direct sunlight in my room. I like how the air enters my room in the winter. I like how I am comfortable here.

That is the problem. My comfortable room.

Outside this room, I am questioning. I am curious. I am messy. I am subjugated to brutal judgement. I am confused. I am in danger. I am compared. I am less-than. I am out of place. I am craving. I am lonely. I am with others. I am deciding. I am outlandish. I am trying…

But in my room. I am the only person I answer to. I am the only person here. I know where I am. I know myself better than when I am outside my comfort zone. But sometimes, I need to get lost and uncomfortable.

P.S. Went out on a night drive today. I cried when I thought about something sad. I realized that I haven’t cried in a while. These new tears found a newer, grosser way of sliding down my throat. That’s how I knew that I haven’t cried in a while. Kind of a bittersweet feeling.

P.S.S. Watched the rest of Master of None on Netflix. I recommend it. It deals with real-world relationships a lot. I feel like if you saw his last stand up of Netflix, you would have a nice background to his episodes. (Although you kind of wish he had new material on many occasions) Some of the last episodes made me feel like I was watching something extremely staged, but also very intimate. I don’t yet have words to describe this weird visual effect. Also, Aziz Ansari’s parents were cute.