Month: February 2016

The Middle Finger

I am doing a lot of things that I said I wouldn’t do. I am doing things that would make my family unhappy. I am doing things that I didn’t think I would do…

Why am I doing them then?

 

I am doing them because I am naturally curious.

I am doing them to get the mystery taken away.

I am doing them to get rid of my poorly built wall.

I am doing them because I feel unhappy about the way my family has been treating me.

I am doing them to fit in and that seems weird but it makes me feel like I belong.

I am doing them because I want to have an opinion on them.

I am doing them so that I can get over the shame early on.

I am doing them because I really have no one to stop me…

 

There are some things that I haven’t been the most proud of… Like I still feel sad about them. There are some things that I cannot undo. There are things that I might keep doing after doing it once. There are some things that I hated the first time. They say that experimenting should be in college, but that wasn’t an option for me. I wasn’t that comfortable in college to experiment. But I am glad I am doing something now. I can always have a story for this later…

A Lifetime Supply of Words

Ever since August, I have been teaching myself how to type faster. First, I needed to type “the proper way” which is just the regular way so that I would look at the screen instead of looking at the keyboard as I type. I still make mistakes and I still get frustrated. It has been a long journey to learning something so simple and often taken for granted by people who learned to type the proper way young. I am happy to say the I am typing this the proper way, at around the same pace as the other way that I have done for so many years. It helped that I practiced every day at work and tried to slow down my fast tendency to learn things. I am glad that I did this and I hope that I can reach 70 words per minute instead of the 40-45 that I do now. I am just happy that I can type and not look at the keyboard anymore. ^.^

Ice Cream & Control

It wasn’t love. It was something else. It was that false sense of hope. A false wonderful. You were too fast and too blind. When I spoke you barely listened.

And yet I miss something about you.

Your taste was not the best. Nor your smell. Your mind didn’t always make sense. Your fingernails were down to the nubs and you had tinnitus. You had a leg condition and you were a smoker. You spoke like your religion was better than everything else in the world. You didn’t have the best eating habits.

There was something that I liked.

I knew that you questioned things, but I let it go. I didn’t see the harm in taking the time to savor the moment. You were weak and you couldn’t control your body well. Especially your mouth and hands.

I miss your company.

I questioned if those were lies or what you truly believed. I had put a lot on the line to see you. You told me an intimate feeling reserved for someone you should know better. But I ignored it.

Why did you say that?

I don’t have to deal with this ideal life that you want to lead. I guess I was just jealous of your childhood but that’s it. You couldn’t even break up with me like a man. Yet, you do everything else so easily.

I am upset and angry.

I told you my insecurities. I told you my doubts. But you didn’t listen to them. Just what your member was feeling in the moment. I feel a bit betrayed. A bit hollow. A bit relieved. A bit of sorrow. But I know that the life you want isn’t what I want. There is no compromise with this. With me. You were being an idiot. You said so yourself. I agree.

Bye.

The only thing I will miss is that how you made the feeling of suicide go away. Like I somehow had a new found purpose, a meaning. ┬áLike I wasn’t going to be alone anymore. Like maybe I had a partner to deal with life and its many mysteries. To journey on and find what I am good at. Someone to support me and to hold my hand when the anxiety overcomes me. Say, “Shhh… you will be fine. Here’s a suggestion…” And to just sit quietly next to me. Perfectly in sync, without doing much but breathing…

You were not right for me.

 

Confusing Happiness With Love?

I recently had an amazing experience with a guy. My first relationship ever. We had just gone on our third date together… and then he told me that he loved me…

Do I love him as much as he loves me? I repeated that I loved him back but I wonder if this is all going too fast… I have strong feelings for him, for sure, but I am wondering if I am just too insecure to tell him that I feel a little different.

I mean, I am the type that GROWS love for a person instead of just feel it right away.

I feel….

  • too inexperienced
  • too naive
  • too weak
  • too blind
  • too scared
  • too different
  • too worried
  • too scandalous
  • too confused
  • too nervous
  • too greedy
  • too selfish
  • too sensitive
  • too curious
  • too second-guessing
  • too horrible
  • too… loved… Is that a bad thing?

I am a wreck of emotions right now. I take time to think things over and I have thought it all over about what happened last night. What if we are different people hidden in a mask of googly-eyed love? He has already talked about marriage… I don’t want him proposing to me after a month… I need to take hold of the reigns here before it is too late…

-The Human Girl

 

P.S. What is it about me that makes him so into me? :/