Month: February 2015

In a Corner of a Closet (Death Part I)

Death is a funny concept. I have thought about it all my life. What is life anyway? I have thought about death for many years and its relation to the world we live in. I understood that death was something that happened to people and animals. I understood that by leaving this world, you leave behind many things. When I was little, I often wondered who would take my Barbie dolls or my money that I saved up in a plastic heart-shaped box with a flimsy plastic lock. I would tell my siblings but they would joke around with the idea telling me that they would take my things after I was gone. But I would feel strange. Like my thoughts weren’t normal. Like constantly wondering about your own death and the repercussions that it would have were something normal little girls would not think about. I didn’t like to joke around with death but I did like to think about the emotions associated with it. Was it strange? Freaky and unnatural?

I think about my mortality every day, regardless of mood. However, mood helps me realize what kind of death I think about. A relatively good or neutral mood might conjure up the death of others and how I would cope with the idea of a stranger, a friend, or a family member being deceased. But a bad mood is a different story. A bad mood spirals hate and self-loathing. In other words, my death.

When you think about suicide most people cringe and call you mentally ill. When you over-think a way or a time that you would not like to die, people say you have anxiety. But when you really truly believe that life is given to you when you think it should go to someone else more deserving… then that is a whole other subject. What does that even make you? A humble person? No… An altruistic person? (In some way) Probably not… A depressed person? Possibly… An undeserving person? Sounds right… An ungrateful person? Maybe… The list can drag on and on. No certain answer. I have felt this more recently: Why life chose me? And am I doing the best I can with it? I would also say no to the latter. I feel like giving someone my skin and flesh in exchange for their own. But the cycle would just continue for me. Until I am lower and lower on the ranks of humanity. Until I could possibly not take it anymore. (But I probably would stick it out because of my personality.) And perish out of my lack of satisfaction with life.

There are deep feelings and words that I cannot share with you today. I cannot see life as an option sometimes when I know that I cannot save a life of another. Maybe I just want them to replace me. What if I were able to make that happen? What if they turn out to be a bad person? What if they don’t? They walk around with my body and are free to do whatever they want to it. Unsettling thoughts. Relieving thoughts.

The only out-of-body experiences I’ve had were in a couple of dreams. They felt right somehow. I have watched many things in my life. I feel like the voyeur and not the main actor. I would screw up my lines and laugh too much. Not an accomplishment, but it sums up many of the accomplishments that I have made.

So live your life. Look at your face and body. Inspect your hands. This is real. And it is really happening.



What is the meaning of life?

What a dumb question. The meaning of life is being a good person by doing good things and making sure happiness for yourself and those around you is constant. Religion, philosophy, some ethics and extremists of any kind will try to add to this – a.k.a MY answer to the meaning of life. For all I know the book Angels and Demons by Dan Brown had answered it beautifully without answering it at all. We all get caught up in our own human drama and that it is not like we can’t learn a different way to love and accept one another. Anyway, search over. A new kind of search is selfish now. Less so about the entire human race, but about a single person. In the end, THE question doesn’t generalize itself, but becomes about what is the meaning of my life?

I am writing with a gas fireplace on and a blizzard going on outside. Visibility looks horrible. I can see my car outside collecting the first few inches of snow. I cringe at the thought that I have to brush it all off tomorrow. But… I asked for this. It wasn’t anywhere NEAR like this living in California. In my “Cold Anticipation” blog from a while ago, I discuss that I came here because I felt too hot in heart/mind and that the California sun only made me worse. That was true. But has moving here really made me feel any better? I love the cold and there are moments that I just want to walk right into that blizzard outside and stay there. But I hesitate. I hesitate to try it. I hesitate to open that door and see if I can handle it. After all, it is a dumb idea. So to answer my own question, no, I am not totally happy, but I feel a tiny bit more happy here. But my hesitation plays a role. The fact that I still carry California plates on my car is a big tell about how I am feeling. I feel as though I can move back at any moment. And according to many others in my circle, I SHOULD move back. My cousin asked me why I came to Colorado. He tells me that it was not his interest but mostly his mother’s interest. Why I had left my whole life behind to come to a different state and work a low paying job at a major retailer? Was it worry? Concern? He was the first to really be so interested without pushing that I get a better job/life plan. There are three reasons why I left California. Three reasons that make me feel depressed year-round. None of the reasons deal with work, or school, or money. I feel like no one will ever know all three. I don’t understand them myself. Were they good reasons? Maybe…

I do wish that I had someone to share this with. I wish I had someone to share my Colorado experience. Like it feels wasted on me that I do so little. I get tips all the time at work but I never get a chance to do them because I didn’t want to do it alone. Imagine showing up at a popular restaurant and getting a table for one. I see movies alone but I will not go out to eat alone. There is so much to do and see and I here I am huddling in my cave.

If my family is right about something, it is about finding another job. My current job made me unhappy today. Just out of the blue. Took me by surprise.

I freeze in this snowy blizzard. I will freeze in place and time…