Continuation

So I am doing it. I am finally moving out of the horrible house. I am gonna move in with someone who I just know is a good person. That’s all. My boyfriend is okay with it. His Ex is okay with it and I can finally have peace of mind. I just worry about financial reasons since he does not make enough money and is still dealing with his recent breakup. I am giving him an ear from time-to-time. I talked to him last night and he is one of those people where no one gives him an explanation about why they don’t want to hang out with him. Kinda sad. I told him that I would do my best to explain things to him and that I don’t go back on my word when I make plans unless there is an emergency. I am managing his finances from now on and I don’t mind. As long as he pays me back, I am happy. He needs to grow and work. I need to work and grow. Perfect timing for a couple of people that do not like where they live. But it is a means to a future for me. I am not so sure what it is for him. Probably sanity. Probably not. All I know is that I will stay in my room and hang out with my thoughts without the screaming keeping my stressed. I will have a safe place. I have the exclusive access to someone else’s money. I will have my own bathroom… with a tub… I will finally de-stress and use bath bombs again… I will finally shower more frequently. I will live farther from work, but that’s just what needs to happen. We live closer to his work (Since he has no car) in exchange for a nice place to live. I am okay with that.

I miss my boyfriend. He has been in Taiwan and will be coming back shortly. I have already heard some of his stories when he has had wifi and we Google Hangout the conversations. I wonder if he feels worries about my new situation. I think I have explained it thoroughly enough that I only want him and that this is just gonna be my situation temporarily. I am happy that he trusts me. Because that other guy is TOTALLY not my type and I am happy that he understands that.

A Lost Feeling

I feel so lost. People expect things from you. They expect that you will be polite to them even though you were not polite in the first place. They expect you to give them great gifts but you give them none. They expect cleanliness but you don’t like their standards. 

I don’t like where I am. I don’t like the people. I feel like I am living a life where I am not in control of my life. I hate this feeling. I want to change it.

A Change in Life: Two Things

Do I like you? Do I know you? Do you know me? Do you like me? Do you know how I have been? I have been upset lately with the things I cannot control. I hate taxes. I hate rent. I hate that I don’t like my jobs. I hate everything it seems. When I come towards you, I don’t want to hate some more. I want to be happy. But happiness is only what you make it. Can I be sure that I will be taken care of? I don’t know. I just need to take care of myself and I cannot do so if I am in a cycle of sadness and constant stress. Stress is making me a different person and I can feel it changing me. A monster with a cape over its head. I am so stressed that I just want to go home and relax. But it doesn’t seem likely. I am so stressed that I have been apologizing for it all the time. I am so stressed, I can only think of my needs and that makes me more stressed when I forget to call someone or something. I just need you more than you can ever imagine. I want you here. I want you with me. I want to know that I am not going to be stressed forever. That I am not going to be the mama with the cash forever. I want to know if you know why I do what I do. If that is why I am the way I am. Understanding me is understanding my stress. Understanding my stress is understanding how to help me. Yes. It is just that difficult. Please don’t make it look easy. It just makes me more stressed.

I am thinking of moving in with someone I don’t really care for. My friend’s ex-boyfriend. Why? Because we both need an apartment because the landlady at my current house is a psycho. My friend (His Ex) is 100% okay with this. I don’t want to get close to this guy. He seems needy ever since the recent break-up, and albeit, very lonely. I need to find out if my boyfriend is okay with this. I have my reservations, but they are mostly monetary and car-related. I don’t want him to think that I am into him or anything. In fact, just the opposite. I just want out of this horrible house. I would rather get my own place, but I know that it would be more expensive, small, lonely and kinda scary. I feel like it should be cheaper for a one-room apartment or at least a studio in this town. With this guy, I can lock myself in my room. It would have its own bath!!! I wouldn’t have to share. I am worried. I just want my own space without the worry. Without the fear. Without the inconsiderate management that I have to talk to every day. If I ask, “How was your day?” she would respond, “Not so good.” I ask every day. What am I supposed to do with a response like that? I have tried everything to console her. But she runs herself in these circles of anger and despair and violence. She is starting to become passive aggressive which is the worst kind. I am a model tenant. At least treat me better than the convict… Sorry I have a life. Sorry I have two jobs. Sorry I have some money. Sorry you suck and are entitled, you crazy bitch. Act your age. Be the reasonable, responsible one. I hate always having to be that person. It’s stressful. I know that she would never change. I know that. I need to leave. Cheap rent isn’t worth this much anguish.

We Shared

We shared laughs together.

We shared tears together.

We shared similar interests together.

We shared food together.

We shared fear together.

We shared smiles together.

We shared pictures together.

We shared hate together.

We shared thoughts together.

We shared hugs and kisses together.

We shared ideas together.

We shared knowledge together.

We shared our different pasts together.

We shared moments together.

We shared intimacy together.

We just shared.

A Letter To Someone With A Name That Haunts Me

To be an incompetent person is a very unnatural thing. Are we born to be a Homer Simpson or a Lisa Simpson? Should we be as ignorant as we can or should we just know the heavy truths about the realities of this world? The phrase, “ignorance is bliss” has been true to me on many occasions. Not knowing what mean things people say about you in another language saves you from hating them. Less hate is bliss. Not knowing how to help an angry person or child and just pawning them off to someone else saves you the trouble of stress. Less stress is bliss. Not knowing the horrible things the world shows every night on the news saves you the terrors of senseless inhumanity and sadness for others. Less sadness is bliss. Not knowing how to correctly do a task – any task- saves you the mental anguish of panic and self-hate. Less self-hate is bliss. So why ever do anything if there is someone who can perform it better than you? Why should they teach your feeble, television-rotted brain anything if you are just going to make a mistake anyway? How important is your job, your family, your social status and the world you live in if they are all disappointing and demanding to your mental health and emotional well-being and they will all just disappoint you anyway? — These are all questions that can’t be answered directly. Ignorance is bliss until you start to harm the lives of those around you. You slack and then suddenly the world falls apart. The pursuit of perfection is non-existent. Should you be allowed to slip up? Is there room to fail? I say that there should be room to be a dumbass. I don’t believe in excuses, but I do believe in informing someone what went wrong with you. Don’t live your life like a Korean drama and just stand there and take abuse. You should stand up and argue- be strong and show others that you are learning, being better at something. Don’t expect me to be perfect. Don’t expect me to worship the ground you walk on when you made plenty of mistakes yourself. Just be with me… listen to my opinions and smile at me every so often. Just let me know that your presence is a human one so that I can do away with the bliss of ignorance and throw myself out there and be a risk taker. If I have to write a manual about my duties and exceptions, then tell me to don’t just go on about how I should just remember. Or better yet, hand me one that you made yourself- if you even did. Pretending to be better than me will not help. Pretending that I do not exist after a while just hurts me. It will make me ignore myself, my work and, ultimately, those around me. I am here. I will not sit idly by while you make me feel like the lesser. I try but at my own pace. You can’t expect me to treat strangers like family so easily when I barely know my own family. I am new to this place. Your easy-going world of work and play. I am sensitive and quiet. I am introverted and mysterious. But if you take my smile away, I will become a robot.

And I don’t know if I can do that…

“Things I Know” (Part 1 of …)

Career Testing

Discover

My results. Took 2 hours to take test and to score it.

Today I took a career test. (One of many I have taken in my lifetime.) I went to Barnes & Noble a week or two ago and got this work book that claimed to help direct me towards my future. It’s called Discover What You’re Best At. I was waiting for the perfect time to take this comprehensive test and it finally happened today…

Sadly, I was a High Average in the fields of Business, Clerical, Logic and Mechanical tests. I was Low Average in the Numerical test. (Surprise! I can’t do percentages!) The only one that stood out at a Well Above Average score was my Social test.

I was upset because it was so razor thin of a margin (this test also counts for error) and that I could not really qualify for the 2 or 3 letter clusters offered since only my S stood out.(Does this sound like gibberish to you yet?) Oh well… On to the more interesting part of my blog today:

Here are a List of Reasons why I took this test:

  1. Throwing away money for a test to help me solidify a sense of seriousness about my future
  2. It has been a while since I took a test and I thought that I would see some sort of growth.
  3. I had a bunch of time on my hands.

List of Realizations after I took this test:

  1. I wonder if the answer is skewed because I have a degree in psych.
  2. I felt like throwing the book across the room because of #1 and hating myself for being bad with money
  3. I don’t HAVE to listen to the guidance… but I made a promise to myself that I would do whatever is the highest and on my personal career list if listed…

And because of #3 on my Realizations List, I am going to do it…

P.S. Personal Trainer was listed as a graduate degree option in my ‘S’ type… WTF??? DO many personal trainers need to go to grad school? Why hasn’t the world blown up with this type of scary information? Go home career test. You are drunk…


The Carl Jung’s and Isabel Briggs Myers’ personality test…. 

20160510_235010

I hate these scores. Such low percentages…

Yay! Another test! While applying for jobs, I was told to take this test before submitting a project. I didn’t get the job, (despite putting in long hours for the project) but it was the first time that someone wanted me to take a personality test for a job.

To be honest, I didn’t give a shit about it at first. I took this test before and got ISFJ or something like that, so I seemed to have had a more upgraded personality from a few years ago. (That is, if I took the test right the first time…) But for the sake of my career, I thought that it may be important to know the career options for an INFJ personality.

The FIRST one that came up on google was “Clinical Psychologist.”

Let me start by saying that I hate fate because that was what I was in school for… Now this test is telling me that my brain is broken and I should go back and complete a PhD in Psych already…


Conclusions

Cross-Referencing my INFJ personality with my S Cluster Career Suggestions (And all other 3-part career clusters that I decided mattered with an S and/or a M,L,C,B in it), I found a list of careers that is suitable for me:

  • Clinical Psychologist
  • Social Worker
  • School/Guidance Counselor
  • Educational Psychologist
  • Writer
  • Animator/Cartoonist
  • Graphic Designer
  • Librarian
  • HR Manager/Advisor
  • Industrial/Organizational Psychologist
  • Research Assistant
  • Engineering Psychologist
  • Executive Secretary
  • Virtual Assistant

Before this, I was ready to go into computer science. Now I know that that is probably not for me… Seems like any science is a no no here… Doesn’t mean I will never be interested, but maybe I should just stop fucking around and do clinical psych already… Seems that I will be best at it.

The End to everything that I know?

 

 

**** UPDATE****

6/1/16 – I returned the book.

It Hurts More Than You Realize

[Ophelia] by Julia Margaret Cameron, British, born India, 1815 - 1879

What I feel on the inside…

When a simple question was asked, you responded too quickly. You responded with such certainty. It broke my heart so much that at first, I refused to believe your answer. I knew that you were not that type of person and so therefore, that wasn’t the real answer. But I gave that sure response some time to marinate. You meant that answer didn’t you? You really believe that… You will not be swayed nor persuaded. You, my comfort, my friend, my trust… said it too fast. You will not defend my feelings or my heartache. You just go on thinking that it is for the best. You just go on without me. It seems that you can persuade me but I can’t persuade you. It makes me feel lost and worthless. Like things in the world don’t matter. Like you don’t matter. You shouldn’t matter. It is only with you I feel this way. It is only you that can make me feel so badly. It is only you that I kept giving chances. It is you that I tried to be someone who… tried. I guess I don’t want to try anymore. You still brighten up my eyes when I think about you… that is something that will linger. It won’t be easy…

The Senses

Negative thoughts troll my existence. I am mute with shock.

What did I see to make this become worse? There is no one to help me. I am beyond help.

I miss the dynamic duo. I miss colors and bold sounds. Everything feels the same. Nothing is better and almost nothing is worse. Taste is just an addiction. I smell things but don’t react. Who are you to think that there are nice things when I don’t feel like you can ever see what I see.

I complain and complain and I don’t know what to expect. Friends all around. Their happiness comes first for some reason. Their feelings and gestures are memorized in my mind. Their actions seem to hurt me and make me feel unimportant. I know that there is nothing to hide from them, yet there are some that don’t feel with me. What makes you a good friend? Is it the fact that you know everything about me or the fact that you ask me the right personal questions. Further my emotional mind, my actions or my intellect? Who can help do all three? I go crazy with confusion and doubt. My mind is a wasteland of “What ifs? and Who does no one cares?” I know it never helps to cry over spilled milk, but after a while you crave cereal, don’t you?

I sing a song over and over again. I look down and weep from that missed tune. You are there but will never be mine. I will never get to hug you or smell your hair and skin. I will never see that smile and perfect body. I will never hear your soft voice or laughs. I will never know what the taste of your mouth is like.

The look I sport is depressing and unattractive. It mirrors my feelings. People don’t know that about me. I love to feel pretty and put-together. I love to put makeup on and spend time coloring my eyes. I love making jokes without planting a frown moments later. I love hearing the music I love in the car. I love drinking an ice cold coffee beverage to alcohol. I love dancing like nobody is watching. I love celebrating after I overcame something.

But lately, all the colors come together. All the smells mix with clouds. All the voices are monotone. All the fabrics feel like wool. All food tastes like a sugary mess. I do what I am told more often. I eat more crap than I used to. I feel more itchy and hear more cursing. Everything smells like alcohol and body odor.

Am I able to leave you? Do you care if that happens?

I feel like I do your dirty work. I am the shack and you are the mansion. You reach out to me when you need an ear. You do everything for you. I am full of hate for you. I am hearing your words but I don’t listen to them. You know that I hate it. You know that I don’t care about those emo ways of yours, yet, you persist. You persist making my ears bleed with you talk about your “cause.” Your “beliefs.” I don’t care.

Sometimes I feel like not caring makes me stupider.

I feel that the things I care about shrink as each year passes. All my senses are affected for this strange reason. My walls tear down and a blank mind replaces it. I don’t know how to handle it.

Awake

When something bad happens… Sometimes it’s a good thing for you.

 

Tonight is the first of many nights that I am feeling awake in all mental faculties that I possess.

You must be clean and not smell like piss.

I cannot see a blurred vision of the future. I know what needs to happen.

Food smells so good… ALL FOOD.

I type into the brisk night air. I don’t think of you. In fact, I WANT to not think of you…

Tonight I cannot feel sadness or anger. Why can’t I be like this all the time?

I don’t smile. I just stare in a content fashion.