Energy of Worry

Current weight lost: 17 pounds

I am THIS CLOSE to my first 20 pound goal. All this hard work will come to fruition later when I finally can see that scale change to a number I have lost over a year ago. THREE MORE. Just THREE MORE. Hopefully I can lose it in 7 days. That way I can brag that I lost 20lbs in 2 months, but I should not pressure myself.

All this free time, I have been walking more. I surprise myself with short bursts of jogs/running while I am in the park. I have more energy. I feel lighter. I am making most of my meals. I am staying away from things that won’t benefit me. (Except TV) But THE WILL is there again. Action will come.

Sometimes I am hard on myself. Okay that was a lie. I am ALWAYS hard on myself. I am lost, but I know where to go. I make mistakes 90% of the time and that causes me to feel weak. I learn from mistakes, but I also like to rebel. I like taking risks. That is a part of me that won’t die. I like to drive fast. I like to do most things fast. It is why I cannot stick to most diets. Because a month is too long.

I don’t see the end of the tunnel through the journey because I am already rehearsing my victory speech. Words can only carry me for so long but actions are hard to do.

There is desperation to get a new job. After applying to so many jobs and hearing rejection or nothing back, it makes me feel worthless. They DO NOT know what a hard worker I can be. They DO NOT know me because they see my unpronounceable name and dismiss me. They DO NOT know that I am about being humble in my abilities and that bragging about myself does not come easy at all. And yet, I do not drop to their level. Why should I change my name? Why should I brag about things I didn’t do? Why should I tell them that my field has changed because of me because that is what they want to hear. Success is about building a core of people because of their personalities. My personality cannot just come out with my first encounter with you. It takes a while for me to access the situation and see how I need to handle others. Once I know, the work environment will be more productive because I will know who I am dealing with. That is how I am so needed by so many people. That is how I am respected by so many people. I will show you in the most subtle way. I am not the loudmouth that will just brag. Toxic people are just in so many high positions. There is no respect. I want to respect them, but I cannot. They learn nothing. Why should I?

And then the cycle keeps me out because of my name, my position and my personality.

I keep going.


Wholesome Cheater & Life Track

I have been in a downward trend of weight loss. It has not been as significant as my first month, but I am okay. I did pig out on carbs on Sunday because that was when me and my boyfriend celebrated our Valentine’s Day.

I NO LONGER HAVE A SECOND JOB! However, I am gonna be in super saving mode. I kinda tried to pay for big expenses before I ended my second job so that I would start off with a clean slate of savings. I am going to try and sell my stuff or just give them away. Starting clean.

I feel happy that I quit my second job. I am a bit unhappy about the huge tax I owed this year, but again, I already took care of it. I have been asked if I want another second job. No. I want a full-time job. I have been incapable of ever landing a full-time job. I realized that I have only ever had part-time jobs. But I work so much, I should be considered full-time. Maybe that is why I am having so much trouble with finding a job. That’s all employers see. Anyway, enough negativity. I am gonna still try my best for a full-time job. I am not gonna give up. Especially now, since I have some more time on my hands.

I am going to do my best. I am going to do my best as cheaply as possible. I no longer can spend money on expensive things anymore. I am gonna hustle. I am gonna engage in more hobbies. The top of the list is learning coding, learning a language, eating keto/working out and reading more books. Remember that Warren Buffett list I wrote? Well, I have a few more changes again.

Here is the modified version of my top 5 things to focus on.

  • Work out 5 times a week.
    • Lose 20 pounds
  • Learn Python
  • Enroll in CC and take a computer class
  • Learn violin
  • Get a full-time job you like
  • Learn Arabic

I changed a few things around. I am gonna change the language to Arabic. I am going to change the coding language to Python. I got a violin from my boyfriend, who bought it a while ago. I think it will be an interesting hobby. I am not taking the GRE because I might go back for a second Bachelor’s, but I am still unsure. I have been looking into cyber security and I think that it is really interesting. It’s also close to a 100% employment rate. But even though I have a path, I might not do this. I need to see if coding for me is something I want, once and for all. I am going to enroll in a community college class just to see if it is something I like and can handle, given my few years out of school. I have decided to learn Arabic instead of the German, because I just want to. It’s also a once and for all mentality. I am interested in it enough and I want to touch my cultural roots to speak it before family members start to die off. I figured that it should be the first one I learn. I know that I have a ton of language learning for German I already put the money into, but I can always do that later. Arabic seems more important.

So that is where I am at.

I am gonna see if I can make it a hobby to see how thrifty I can be given that I am making a lot less now. Did you know that I spend an average of $400-500 a month on food? Sometimes more! So I need to cut that in half. Being on Keto can be expensive sometimes. Just the ingredients are pricey. Going to see if I can just buy everything online to make that cheaper. I kinda signed up for Instacart. But I will see what I do with that. Seems easy to shop and deliver food for people. But I would be 1099 so that is putting me off. I hate having to pay so much in taxes every year for 1099.

I saw this video by Anna Akana and I felt inspired to read more.

Two-Weeks Notice & Life Lessons

I submitted my two weeks today for my second job.

I gathered myself and said that being unhappy was not gonna fly in 2018.

This year will be about self-healing. I cannot heal if I am unhappy every day.

I have proven that I am willing to change. But I know that I am no where NEAR where I need to be.

Where do I need to be? There is a willingness inside of me that has turned to stone over many many years. I need to chip away at the stone and find out all my potential.

I keep going back to the same place in my mind and I need to not go back anymore. I have always struggled with moving on. I keep finding myself living in the emotions of the past. The habit of the past. Not preventing them in any way. Not growing.

One of the things I learned in life is that if you don’t speak up, bad things will happen. If you don’t accept that government employees at the DMV have the right to be bad at their jobs and totally disrespect you, then it is okay to make a scene. I got what I needed that day despite their incompetence. If you see a baby lost and circling the front of a store, then it is okay to step in and take the kid to the front desk. If you forget a charge you made on a credit card or could have sworn that it was paid, then you can call up the company and have it fixed. If the car shop owner hangs up on you when you ask for the third time about a service that he was supposed to provide, but forgot, then it is okay to explore other avenues and get what you need done. That is knowing when the battle is over, but did not lose anything in the process.

Endless paperwork. Long days of a job that gives you exhaustion. Co-workers that don’t align to your standards of basic human concern. Friends that don’t ask about your life even though you were in their presence for two hours. New diet involving no carbs or sugar. New symptoms of a skin rash or a new color emerging on your body.

There will always be something. You just have to speak up.

It was against my nature because I was trained to observe and not react. The current people around me don’t care about success, but they always complain about not having money. I don’t see any personal success in anyone other than a select few. I like knowing that those who strive for more in a positive way are around me. But those who complain, don’t do anything about anything and are constantly negative will be around me for a while.

I got off topic. Not having this job is scary financially. But it can also be an opportunity. Writing. Exercise. Cooking. Those are my topic choices for the three-four hours of free time each day.

I want to live somewhere cold in the winter. I have decided this. Last time, I came back because I missed one of my friends. Now, I have a significant other to think about as well. But if I have to spend the summer boiling, that will make me unhappy. Watching TV and not doing anything else will make me unhappy. I would rather be the one to experience great things rather than watch someone on TV do it. I have seem different Travel Channel hosts travel to the same place, but I, myself have never gone.

I am trying. I know I have commentaries about people, but it all comes down to loneliness. I feel alone in my thoughts and ideas. There aren’t many people who want to be ambitious around me. There are no people who say, “Can I join you? I will do whatever it takes.” But instead there are people who say, “I can never do that! It’s not my thing.” I have dealt with this a lot. So much to the point where I give in and do what everyone else is doing.

I will try to treasure those who give a crap about me. Sometimes I give too much attention to those who don’t and I just hate life. I can’t help it. I will say that as you get older, that you care less about what other people think. Manoj Bhargava said it best when he said that he didn’t think anyone was doing anything right. People can only tell you the mistakes to be made but there really no formula to success. You watch people on Shark Tank only to see that the high tech product that they spent four-times their life-savings on is horrible. I want to apply this to other parts of my life as well. One of the reasons why Psychology didn’t work out for me was the fact that there were people who you had to depend on for their emotions, money, accolades, respect. (The research field) And I know that if I see people who have made poor choices over and over again, that I would get depressed quickly. (The clinical field) There is skill involved for both, but the patience or butt-kissing would be too much. Something that I could not do. AND YET I tell myself, that I should still pursue it. JUST BECAUSE I hold a degree in it. I am confused.

Money is something I hate. School is too much. I would like to go back to school but I am scared about being as unmotivated and a bad procrastinator as last time. There was no vision. I was following the pack. The weakest link on several occasions. I don’t even want to go back to UCLA because I did myself a great injustice there. I am literally still paying the price.

I am trying to work up the courage to go back again. ONLY ONE person has ever taken interest in this. When I told her an idea I had, unbeknownst to me, she researched it and gave me a print out to help me. I was so touched. There has been encouragement to stick to my Keto diet, but there has been no encouragement to my future. There have only been, “You should go back if you want a better job,” with no sense of direction. Now that I see this, it sounds like I just want someone to do the work for me. But in truth, I just want someone to be interested.

Never trust a guidance counselor. They are not interested in you.

From what I learned, you just gotta hustle. You gotta get your head in and call people out. You have to ask a million questions to get the right responses from people. Some people change their minds midway or you simply cannot trust what they have to say. I cannot tell you the unimaginable pain it is to be on the phone and they have to redirect you so much that they redirect you back to the first person you talked to. That is an example of a modern-day battle. You gotta grow courage and get some balls. People don’t care about you, because they care about themselves first. The government won’t tell you about special programs that can help you because they don’t want you to use them. That’s life.

How messed up is that?

Anyway, I am gonna do it. I am gonna apply to school again I am going back to community college, I decided. I am gonna try this computer science thing that I wanted to do 10 years ago.

I can do it.

10 Pounds Lighter & 23andMe

I got on the scale today. The official weekly weigh in has told me that I lost 10 pounds from when I first started Keto.

  • My feet feel better. Still some pain, but not “limp in pain to the bathroom every morning” bad.
  • I stopped snoring loudly when I sleep. Only one person has benefited so far from this. My throat also feels better in the morning.
  • I feel lighter.
  • My clothes feel looser. I think I went down a cup size because there is extra fabric on the sides of my bra.
  • My mind feels clearer. I am remembering things better. Small victories but I can still notice them.
  • I sometimes feel like jogging when I am out on walks. I don’t do it, but I like that I am mentally preparing myself for more exercise. Because I feel lighter, I know that it won’t impact my joints as badly. Also, since my feet have been feeling better, that has something to do with the confidence.
  • I don’t really have zits anymore. A nice surprise.
  • I no longer use Tums, something that was happening quite often last year.

It has been a nice journey so far. I have been tempted a few times, but I have been strong. I have had great people around me who have been encouraging and nice about my diet. Pretty much everyone knows. But it’s not like before where I was on the strictest of diets… I think this is different because it is not so bad. It’s not hard to stick to this diet. For instance, I can still go to all my favorite junky fast food restaurants and order something. I don’t do that, because I am cooking more, but if I wanted to I could do it. Meat and cheese is the best combo that I can eat and I do it a bunch.

I stopped wearing jeans because I could not bear to get a larger size. That was last year. I am gonna do my best to celebrate the small victories. I did not really celebrate this morning because I weighed myself later last week and the number was the same on the scale. But I am doing my best to stay positive! The mentality of “time flying” is getting me through the month. It has already been three weeks! That is an accomplishment!  Why am I not more excited? Maybe I am just still wanting the weight to come off sooner. I have to be patient. That has always been my weakness. I am that type of person. I wonder if that is something I can change in myself? It feels like the sense of urgency will never go away.

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I did the 23andMe genetic test! I JUST submitted it yesterday. I have been wanting to know more about my genetics for a LONG time. Mainly because I look like everything. I bought the ancestry and health test for a $100 during Cyber Monday. (Normally a $200 test) Now I shall wait the 6 to 8 weeks and get an email soon enough. I can’t wait!!! I want to tell my family everything as soon as I get it. I feel like they will be disappointed. But whatever! I will know what I am! And the health portion is also important too. I feel like I don’t know any health stuff in my family. That would be nice.

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I will be quitting my second job pretty soon. I decided that in order to get cheap health insurance, and peace of mind, I will quit the job I most dislike. I really want 2018 to be about self-healing and having calmness in myself. My second job makes me hate life. I will quit it and still be okay. I will also use the extra time to study for the GRE, take a class (free online, online or at a school), cook meals or workout.

I am going to be content this year. I am going to be ambitious this year. I am going to be motivated this year.



Backtracking: A Year in Semi-Review

On an awesome note, I was in bed last night and I was happy. For the first time in a LOOOOOONG time, I felt happy. I felt like how I felt like when I was in school as a kid. Content. It was a great feeling.

Truthfully, I do not need things. Maybe an upkeep of items and clothes, but I do not desire much anymore. I think this is an important part of myself that I am trying to embrace. I have money (not if I keep spending it on Hulus of the world), I have people around me (maybe some are not the type of people I like all the time, but okay for now), I have things I need – There is reason to move on.

This year was important for a couple of things. The first being my parents meeting my boyfriend and not exploding. The second being moving out of my house and making mistakes. The third being getting off the medication that I was on. The fourth being having enough humility to move back in with my parents. The fifth being saving money. The sixth being less sad and more motivated.

I feel like this was a year that was not great, but a year of learning. I would not be the same person if I hadn’t moved out in a blind sense of rage and sadness, I would not learn that “Sure I can make it on my own, but at what cost to my sense of health, mental stability and financial hardship?” I had to accept things that I did not want to accept that were in my family. I was stressed all the time. ALL the time. I gained almost thirty pounds. It was not pretty. I wanna call those few months either “Mini Hell” or “Stress to the Heart” because it really was. I had to worry about things out of my control and I just needed to accept them.

I took some antidepressants a while back and I made the decision to get off of them. For me, it served its purpose. – Making me not have as many suicidal thoughts. I stopped taking them when I moved out. I was still depressed but I just did not have the time to be depressed anymore. I had to hustle and earn money. I got fatter. And fatter. Stress-eating was how I coped. Stretch marks- GIANT, red stretch marks- came out of nowhere. I will never have the same body every again. Another thing I had to deal with that was no longer in my control. My foot pain came back and multiplied to my other foot. Another hit. I got out of my lease with my loser roommate and moved back home – defeated, sad, in need of some sense of stability. It was in these few months (August to now) I was working on myself. Trying to loosen the stress one day at a time. The thing is, I didn’t really know I was doing this until now. Resetting where I was a year ago. But the difference is that I have had a few experiences that have shaped me.

One of the things that I am now is that I don’t like working. I don’t like working for a small business. I think they are shady and guilt you too much. I don’t like people. The assistant at work and my roommate from my apartment this year confirmed this for me. I don’t like kids as much as I thought I did. I think if they were my own that it would be different, but would it? I work with kids with intellectual disabilities and I truly hope that I won’t have a kid like that. The parents that do have a responsibility and sometimes I had to watch them fail. And when they did fail, I did not want to be in that room. I like positive friends. There was this nurse at work who would tell me the truth, but it depressed me. Like she was controlling my life’s choices. Although I appreciated her honesty, it was like she was telling me what to do that got my panties in a bunch. As for my assistant, I lost faith in the millennial generation because of her. She fooled her way to normal and that became so apparent, I wish I could be in an alternate universe where I can never see her again. But I learned how unfair I was because of her. I would see her standing there doing nothing and I would get mad. Why? Because I am an anal person. I want things to be done a certain way, but I can’t expect those around me to do the same because they are different people.

One thing is for sure: I am tired. Just tired and I have to keep going. Sometimes I don’t want to. Sometimes I just feel like quitting. Sometimes I feel like it is appropriate to quit. When you are unhappy and see nothing but a dead end, that’s where a red flag pops up. Quitting is not always a bad thing, unless it is for something you KNOW you should not be doing. I am quitting on Coursera, but it doesn’t mean I will stop learning. I just need to find something right for me to do. I have a tendency of sticking with something I don’t like because it’s something I “should do” instead of want to do. Certain friends and some big decisions in my life have been thought of that way.  Where has it led me? Misery. Plain and hurtful misery. In high school, I quit reading books I liked. I think that’s where it started for me. I quit doing something I loved to do causally, because the books I liked to read weren’t the “right books” to read. My friends read the classics. School made you read the classics. “Therefore, I should read the classics.” My bookcase was filled with books my school/friends enjoyed, but I didn’t. Pressure piled on and I broke. Nothing was mine anymore. There was nothing to work hard for. Just misery. I took up no significant hobbies since then. I talked the talk but didn’t walk the walk. I floated through life.

When the only person I looked up to crashed and burned, my life really had no meaning. I struggled to find a meaning. A motivation. Religion isn’t just one person, it’s a group of people. I hated the people. No meaning could be found there. My friends carried hardship, financial distress and negativity. I didn’t like them. I was alone. Seeking happiness in TV shows and movies. This is still a thing now. That’s why I am afraid of Hulu and Netflix. But I just love watching TV so much. It’s a big part of me.

ANYWAY, I hope this was a good recap to where my life is. My boyfriend tells me that I should get a hobby all the time. He has so many. We share a hobby of flying kites. That is something that I enjoy doing with him in the colder months. (Because standing in the hot sun is not our idea of a good time. The new Blinkest app I got is about success and motivation. Something I am into right now. I have listened to NPR’s podcast, “How I Built This” and have been inspired. I like listening to that stuff. Whether or not I get off my ass and build a business is no one else’s judgement. If my hobby is listening to this app and that podcast, then that’s it. Why should it go any further?

I don’t know where I will be in 5 years. I do know that I want a job with benefits. I just want to be secure. What I do know about my professional life is that I am a hard worker who likes to know how her job is done and make it more efficient and more creative. The only thing holding me back is my current boss and those around me. (Also how fast I want things done. I still need to work on chilling out) I was wondering of getting an MBA. One of my best friends is doing it so I was all, “Who cares?! Maybe we can own a business together!” But that is just wishful thinking. I can still go the computer programming route and see where that leads me.


So I wrote this over a month ago. German was not originally bolded and I bolded it today. I really want to learn German and I feel like having it on the list will help. Just a visual thing.

I will do 6 things… That’s all.

So back in September, I came across this article about Warren Buffet’s 2-List strategy. I forgot which site it was on, but most of them talk about it the same way about this pilot needing help with his career and Warren Buffet magically helped him. (Kinda strange that no one has followed up with the pilot to see if this strategy works… but whatever)

I like this strategy because it’s visual and each goal requires mastery or achievement in order to go to the next one. I guess you can make them as little or as big of a goal as you want but I am starting small.

You are supposed to make a list (ugh) of 25 goals. You circle 5 that are the most needed and basically block the others out.

  1. Go to gym 5 days a week.
    • Lose 20 pounds
  2. Learn Java
  3. Take the GRE
  4. Master subtle makeup
  5. Get a full-time job you like
  6. Learn German
  7. Learn how to edit videos
  8. Make an app
  9. Write a book
  10. Write a screenplay
  11. Make a comic strip & share online
  12. Learn Arabic
  13. Go back to school
  14. Rap a fast rap song
  15. Talk to an Antarctica expert
  16. Write a rap song and record one
  17. Stretching: Touch the floor with my palms
  18. Master making bread
  19. Master simple hairstyles
  20. Carve a wooden figure
  21. Run a mile in under nine minutes
  22. Go to gym 5 days a week.
    • Lose 20 pounds
  23. Go to gym 5 days a week.
    • Lose 20 pounds
  24. Go to gym 5 days a week.
    • Lose 20 pounds
  25. Go to gym 5 days a week.
    • Lose 20 pounds



This Fear…

One of the things that I have dealt with in my life has always been fear.

Fear is a stupid word. It can completely overtake your life if you are not brave enough.

In today’s context, fear has to do with the unknown. The unknown of getting a new job that I can financially support myself on. The unknown of self-improvement. Can I do everything that I want to do?

My boyfriend has a nice point of view on life. GET A HOBBY. It can be the stupidest hobby in the world. You can spray paint googly eyes and glue them on T-shirts.* I did not encourage myself for hobbies. I used to have hobbies but I lost them. Sounds silly but it is not the physical items that were lost, but it was a result of a time in my life where having a hobby meant getting a lower grade on an exam. There was no time to do the stuff that I wanted to do. Over time, my hobby became procrastination and procrastination was watching TV.

So I have come to the dumbest conclusion ever: I am scared to find a hobby I like. In some ways having a hobby meant failure in my past.

I listen to a podcast called “How I Built This.” It’s about how entrepreneurs started their businesses up from an idea. Not all of them believed that their idea would be a big deal, but a good amount of them did. For some, it started off as a hobby. For others, they knew that their idea was going to be huge. My boyfriend has told me that one should not aspire to do something because they should, but because they want to- gives them happiness. Truly words of wisdom. But there is this part of me that doesn’t believe it. It wants to say, “How the hell is buying googly eyes, spray painting over them and sticking them on T-shirts is gonna make any money at all?! Don’t waste your time!” But the point is not to make money, but to be happy. Some day, I would like to be the boss of something. I would like to be a boss of a company or boss of a signature idea. I just want to leave something behind that people might enjoy or make people happy. Society does not appreciate all types of artistic visions. That is a very disheartening thing to hear. There will always be critics. There will always be people who say that you are an idiot. A nightmare indeed. My ideas WANT to be bigger than myself. They CRAVE to be bigger than myself. It is not a matter of doing something only for myself. My brain wants to do something for somebody and then get the recognition that it deserves for that same thing. Something that somebody said that I mattered in some way. It seems like a negative point of view doesn’t it? It doesn’t seem right. But that’s my unique brain.

So what does this all mean? If we go back to the idea of fear, it means that fear of failure is inevitable no matter what I do. But it matters WHY I do something. If I do it to be happy, then I will succeed. If I do it to gain recognition then I will fail. But how do I change my mind to get around all of this bullshit?

Unfortunately, it is a simple answer: Just do it and see what happens.

There are a million things that I can do in this world. The world will always say that I will not have enough experience on my resume, the world will tell me that my name is hard to pronounce, the world will tell me that I look unattractive and unhealthy, the world will tell me that I am not coherent or smart enough to understand many things, the world will break my heart in two – but as long as I am doing something that matters, with the utmost passion I can put into it, then I will have a place where I can live with no regrets, no sadness, no more failed New Year’s Resolutions and no more fear…

Look down and you will only see the ground. Look up and you will see the changing sky.

I want to look up.


*Example of a totally useless, totally unique hobby someone other than me might enjoy.

Everyone Is The Same

There is a feeling that I just felt. Pounds have been lifted. Pain still creeps the soles of both my feet.

For the first time in a long time, I am not the only one I know who feels this. I am not the only one on God’s blue planet that is not understood. I am not the only one who feels this. I saw the process that I go through while someone else was going through it. I do it too. It will be my secret.

I am going to quit my second job and focus on what I like. I listen to these go-getters and passionate people on NPR’s How I Built This podcast. What good is this life if I just hate my job? I don’t know where I can go but down with this idea. I am still young, I guess. I need to figure out what makes me happiest and just do that. Money is awesome, but unhappiness is not. What kind of person can I be if I just ignore my potential?

  • Writer
    • I could use a couple of classes and just start writing
  • App Developer
    • Need to get started asap with writing code
  • Video Editor
    • Gotta get started but need a more powerful laptop
  • Make-up Artist
    • Perhaps make this a part-time venture to pay for the other stuff

I think that’s it. Here is a list of things that I can just do one the side since I am still interested but cannot fully commit for whatever reason.

  • Antarctica expert
  • Amateur comic strip artist
  • Amateur rap artist/songwriter
  • Amateur game designer (if the app thing pans out)
  • Amateur filmmaker
  • Amateur screenwriter
  • Amateur bread maker

An Old World

So I moved back into my parents house.


So two major things could happen:

  1. I could save money. Rent is expensive! I have plans to save as much as I can before my next birthday. Why my birthday? I have no clue. It was an arbitrary point of saving money. About seven months away. My goal was to save a certain number of G’s by April, but after only a month of planning this, I have already saved almost half of that amount. I am now trying to figure out how to spend the excess money. I still have two loans from school and was thinking of paying the lesser one off for now and then work on the other over time. I am thinking of aggressively saving money for future schooling.
  2. Peace of mind over dealing with my roommate. I hate people like that. People who just live in the past and ignore the present and future. I think that there are a lot of people in this world who you really should not associate yourself with. I need people who want to better themselves, not people that just say they want to do grand things and then complain why they can’t. Like really complain. Good things happen if you try. And if you don’t try, even if the first step is saving money, and then complain why you cannot do it constantly, then why even care? I lived with a life-sucker. A downer. A slob. A loser. I don’t want to ever be like that person.

Living back at home will have some positive effects. One of them being less stress for now. I an in the process of shock from having so much stress to zero. It was a wild move-out weekend. Everything went from being, “Will they sign the lease? What if they don’t? What happens when this loser won’t pay all the rent?” to “I just need to buy a bed sheet. I have no utilities. I have no shitty roommate. I dunno what to do now…” I am dealing with this slowly.

The takeaway is that everything will be okay now.

Doing The Minimalism Thing In A Boss Way

I am about to do something that only a few months ago I was not going to do. I am so sad but yet grateful that I feel better about it now. I know there is a person who says no. I know that there are freedoms that will be cut. But I figured that the good will outweigh the bad somehow.

First things first: MINIMIZE MY LIFE

I MUST give away my stuff. I don’t need books that I will never read. I don’t need clothes that don’t fit me anymore nor have ever fit me. I don’t need a backup that I will never use. I don’t need expensive perfume that I will never use. I don’t need things that are old and gross. I don’t need sentimental items that I have never even wanted. I just need to minimize my life. I need a bookshelf of only my most favorite books. Not books that I was told to read.

I just want to be happier with less. Less stuff to worry about. Less stress. Less sleepless nights. Less tiredness. Less physical weight. Less arguing. Less meaning to do something but don’t. Less people that don’t improve my life.

I also want this move to be beneficial for my family relationships. I always want it but never implement anything. I need to be the boss of my own life.

Less TRASH- in thought and feeling.

Wish me luck.

Prompt #1: Strangers

Great stories often begin with the arrival of a a stranger. Have the stranger make a grand entrance and then take it from there.

The party started and there was already some disastrous little details that were not taken care of. The women were all wearing the wrong color. They were told to wear black and these particular women instead rebelled and wore every other shade of the spectrum. The men were all told to do the same, but they wore shiny suits of blue, green and gray. The music was a singer who was told to sing Sinatra and instead sang heavy metal lyrics in a 20s style. The food was all a worldwide disasterly array of over-the-top crackers and bland cheeses. The banquet hall was unswept, poorly lit and every chandalier was missing lightbulbs and glass pieces. The people were confused and giggling either over the poor planning or over their own wardrobe rebellion.

As everyone drank the over-iced punch and laughed, the double doors opened with a loud BANG. Everyone looked anxiously to toward the door and there stood an handsome man in a tuxedo and a woman in a long black dress. They stood there a second with a stare that pierced everyone in the room. The people gasped and made way as the couple walked towards the center of the hall. Their shoes made the only sound and it seemed like minutes were hours as they passed all the guilty faces of the guests. The woman was holding a baby which did not move. There in the center of the room, stood a pedestal, covered with red solo cups of the poor red drink. The man in black throws each cup onto the ground and wipes the surface clean of any dirt or dust. The woman in black places the baby onto cold marble delicately. The couple then walk out the doors and lock it shut behind them.

A party goer with a loud yellow dress examines the strange baby. “It’s dead!” She yells. Everyone looks at one another and cheer.

The last babe has died.