I curse your name into the air around me. I curse the feelings that I have for you. You will not yield to me. You have never yielded to me. How is it that I can function with pure energy day by day? How is it that this crappy lifestyle hasn’t ended already? YOU. It has always been the undecidable you. You want everything but I have never been able to give you everything. You want me to do this and then do that. And then when you get frustrated with this, you quit until the love of doing it again a few months later emerges. I can’t understand you. I can’t hear your words without anxious thoughts. There is no calm when you are so up in the air. But I know this: You will land in many places. You are not just one entity that I can drown in, but more like an unsinkable cruise liner with the coast guard nearby when that time comes. You are my safety when I cannot reach beachy land. You, a necessary struggle. But I am not as strong yet. Yet. Undecidable words.
I worry that I will never find you in this storm.
P.S. I have been wanting to buy VERY expensive things lately.
You pull the thread the holds me together
There was a time when I knew you. A time when things seemed unreal. Almost magical. When I explored my new world and then you appeared in front of my eyes. I didn’t know what to think of you. I cocked my head sideways and asked why you were who you were. How a being like you functioned on similar mechanics as me. But your life and mine were not meant to be entwined. There is an unspoken rule that you obviously did not understand. The truth that lay in your eyes as if holding back. That’s what hurt the most. Like a simple smack in the face with a titanium racquet. Over and over. The physical pain subsides but the emotional never truly does. It festers with your face attached to it. I can’t stop it. It’s a strong force, this excess love that I keep for you. With all these flaws I have, that is my share in holding onto the pain. The swirl of what-ifs and seeded lies I tell myself only make this yearning for you more grievous to myself.
It feels unfinished. There will never be closure to soften the guilt and hurt. But is that all I care about?
You pull the thread that holds me together
But you didn’t know whether
I would fight back to steal the power you had
Away from you trying not to make you mad
With the hustle that I put in
With the years that I have made sin
Bearable without seeing you daily
Through a digital screen almost rarely
It has brought me close to a break down
Tears in my eyes, no way to hide the frown
“Where are you? How have you been?”
“Can I see you? Are you alive?” Press send.
There is a good chance I loved you too much,
That this feeling of sadness is just a crutch.
How can that be when I feel you with me?
How can the world keep spinning, so fast, so free?
The short answer is that it is you that I want,
That you are something I cannot have,
Something that I have lost.
And we will never be the same as before,
You will move on and I will try to end the war
The war of sorrow and self-hate
That I cannot currently abate
The way you smiled and how you stood
The way you let me go, the bad and good
Can you not come any closer?
Don’t touch my heart, don’t let it crumble
I can’t feel that again, that burning pain
The headaches and how my mind fumbled
As if I was a person with no fucking brain
I want to say solemn goodbye to you
I want to say that I will always love you
I want to hug you tightly and kiss you softly
But I won’t because that would do me costly
It would unravel me to a million threads
Will not go back there, I will not tread.
I will miss you.
That’s all I should do.