tired

My Stupid Near-Death Experience

BACKSTORY: Yesterday, I worked for 10 hours straight. I just got a new side job this week and have not really adjusted yet. In few words: I was tired. However, I needed to drive an hour out to my best friend’s house for her birthday. My gift included chocolate and since it has been 100+ degrees out I had to keep it in a nondescript IKEA bag I took indoors to both jobs. I had to juggle uniform -> professional dress for both jobs- changing my shoes and shirt in the short 15mins between them. I got stuck in a Taco Bell drive thru so that was really 2mins of changing time. Both jobs had their stresses and challenges that day, so by the end, I was kind of mentally drained.

The ride to my friend’s house was fine. I drove over 90 for some of it. I could not believe the amount of slow or distracted drivers on the road. I had my music, A/C blasting unusually cold and was feeling okay.

THE EXPERIENCE: I was almost there. I had found and missed a potential parking spot. I decided to make a U-turn on a small busy street that turns out was too small to do a U-turn, but decided to try it anyway. A single green light, no arrows to tell you when to make a left. You need to wait for all oncoming cars to pass before you can make a left turn. I didn’t. My brain did not register this. The street was really too small to make a U-turn and I needed to BACK UP to finish making it properly. This is were I saw the guy on the motorcycle flip me off and then did a wheelie down the street. This is where I looked in my rear-view mirror and saw the traffic I had stopped. I just couldn’t believe it.

AFTERMATH: I was lucky I did not get hit. I was lucky no one (especially the motorcycle driver) did not get hurt. I cried for a while after my friend’s party. It just eats me up that I put so many in danger for something I did that was so preventable. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have had the careless behavior of an idiot driver? I like to drive fast. It just makes me feel alive sometimes. Makes me feel like the free and open road is all mine. I feel like driving so fast before this incident was definitely a factor into my driving habits. Whenever I drive tired, stupid shit happens. But my problem is also that I do not like to drive slow. I do not like driving in the lane everyone passes by. I do not like inefficient slow habits, like driving slow in the faster lane. I took a good hard, look at my driving habits. Will I ever change this? One of my only favorite things to do is to drive fast or at least drive on a road all alone. I am still shaky. I am still in disbelief. I am still upset at myself.

No more U-turns…. on that street near my friend’s place.

 

P.S. Sorry to all who had to witness the stupidest driver in history. Sorry to the motorcycle guy who almost hit me. I understand that it was reckless, stupid and dangerous. But the scariest part was, I didn’t know it at the time… Easily the mother of all accidents.

 

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Starbucks: A Human Chew Toy Story

Best chew stick ever.

Best chew stick ever.

Another drink. Another payment. Another fix. I knew that it would be bad to continue this habit- both for my wallet and my caffeine intolerance. But I continue anyway.

Those magnificent green sticks that stop hot liquid from escaping from the cups. Splash sticks, green stoppers, plastic plugs, green whatchamacallits, swizzle stick-stoppers, green plungers, special plugs, anti-escape liquid devices, plastic miracles… all acceptable names for it. (Don’t they all sound like sex toys?) My nickname is “the human chew toy” because I LOVE to chew on it.

Better than gum. Better than last night’s over-cooked steak. Better than the stickiest taffy you have ever had. Better than the actual Starbucks coffee. It is a miracle piece of BPA-filled plastic that satiates the mouth and curves with the white-colored cavity fillings on your teeth. It is almost useless anyway once your hot beverage has reached a certain level of emptiness. What a waste! Why not take the tip of this plastic wonder and move it back and forth against your teeth? Clickity, clack. Clickity, clack. Clickity, clack. Ahh… sweet, soothing sounds… but that is just the first step. Have you ever finished your hot, caffeinated beverage and thought, “Man… My mouth feel dry and I need some water. I don’t want to be dehydrated anyway.” But, alas!  You forgot to order a bright crystal Starbucks cup filled with ice-cold water! Have no fear! Don’t cry in your driver’s seat, fellow addicted citizen! That is what this spectacular green chew toy is for! After the first step of the emanating sounds of the green splash stick satisfyingly click your at your teeth, you are ready for it to touch your tongue! Feel the flat circular end of the splash stick gently cut between your newly dry taste buds. Feel the foreign object remind you of when you were a toddler when your parents screamed at you to remove a plastic toy from your mouth. Reminisce of your childhood vulgarities and smile that mean child’s smile that says, “I don’t give a shit about the germs in my mouth.” Then once you have reached that former Piaget child development stage that you suppress every day: chew, my friend. Chew that pliable green stick. Now, there are no rules to this. Some chew hard, and some hardly chew at all. The key is to chew enough to make you salivate. Oh my! That dried up tongue stained of coffee or tea will delight immediately! That fresh coat of your own spit and/or acidic bile will please the man or woman that chews at this [probably chemically-filled] stick. The green dye starts to fade to a lighter green due to the bending and munching. This is a happy sign for any human. But alas, there is an end to the madness. Friends, parents and co-workers alike might question your ravenous habit on the misshapen green toy. They might give you stares and ask why it has been in your mouth all day. Ignore these people. Have the green stick make you feel like a farmer with a blade of wheat hanging from your mouth reminding you of simpler times of human existence. Or perhaps a gangster with a joint that makes you feel like a badass. When you feel like it is time to rid of your chew toy, do it out of respect for the fallen green sticks everywhere. Throw it away when you start to choke from your excess saliva. Or it starts to displease your partner at your brother’s black tie charity ball. Or if you are just feeling like you need your mouth back to do normal mouth things. (Such as speaking without a lisp or eating solid foods) Just make sure to give your little splash stick a respectful goodbye by imparting a longing “thank you” stare before dropping it gently over your week old bananas and expensive coffee grounds your friend made you buy at that farmers market. Goodbye, my chew toy.

An addiction of happiness. An addiction of serenity. An addiction to Starbucks splash sticks.

P.S. Thanks Internet for letting me steal your dated ideas on what you call the splash sticks. Thank you brain for being addicted enough to Starbucks for inspiring me to make this VERY REAL blog post…

P.S.S. I am not condoning any theft of the splash sticks. Don’t steal away someone else’s primitive happiness in this cruel world that we are forced to live in.

P.S.S.S. Not for children. ANY OF THIS.