When the world stops, it makes you think. How could I have been better? How could I have changed things? In reality, you would do it all again. I am not a person to say that change is the best. But I am a person to think that I am not good enough for new change.
My heart has been beating fast for a while now. It won’t stop. Am I making the right move? I do not know.
Is this stress? Worry? Heartbreak? Did I do something wrong? Am I doing the right thing? The wrong thing? Are these questions I will always ask myself?
My mind is like a hive of bees. Constantly buzzing. Constantly building. Constantly rushing in and out. I ask myself many questions. I ask myself if there is something wrong with me… I ask myself what I deserve and how much of it do I deserve.
I think of myself as lowly. I cannot do anything of great importance until I have changed that. I know…
I want to know that I can prove myself. I want to see that I will try hard at something. That doesn’t come without discipline. That doesn’t come without surrounding myself in that world.
I like to goof off. I like to relax at home. I like to think that I can take it easy because my squishy body really enjoys it. But I am too young to live like a retiree. I crave the home life but I have certainly failed the professional side of life. What would happen if I had kids? How would they respect me if I just think a television program is more important than they are? I would be horrified. I want my kids to be the most important thing in my life. I want my work to come in second. I want these things and yet, I am unable to prove that I deserve it.
There is a time that there will be a sweet-talker in your life. They will call you “honey,” “sweetie,” “love,” and you will feel a tinge of comfort. However, I usually feel uncomfortable if someone who is not my grandmother has calls me any of those things. I hate these words in the professional setting.
I recently got a side job and hated it. I put no work into it and just got off a phone call about my lack of efforts. Boss lady was no longer using “love” to talk to me. When the phone call ended, I felt like she should have expected this terrible behavior from me. Her business is disorganized and I felt like the office girls looked down on me. She was the only nice person. I don’t feel as bad as I normally would. They didn’t even pay me on time nor did they know where I lived. I spent so much money to get into this job and I barely broke even when I left. I have never felt more like a person on strings slapped with sweet talk. I need out of this game.
The 9-5 has gotten Jen. Jen is a young secretary at a small business. Most of her days are filled with lazy hours of nothing. Some days she can be busy, maybe some hours but mainly she works hard for an accumulative 2 hours out of her 8-hour day work day. When she first started, she was a recent grad who didn’t know what she wanted so she applied to any joy with a salary. When she first started working, she was excited and naive. She thought that she could be the best secretary in the world. However, her boss wasn’t as keen to her ideas as much as she wanted him to be. He would tell her that her ideas were time-consuming or a waste of company time. He would tell her that it didn’t matter to update certain processes and make them electronic. He would tell her to stop imagining a system for employee lunch breaks because it has “always been done this way.”
Her first job experience was crushing. She just started to become bored and disillusioned with people and working. She started to be on her phone during business hours just to past the time. She would spend her days making playlists of her favorite music and buying things online. She increased her typing speed by 10 words per minute. After a while, she started to ignore decorating her space for the holidays because the boss did not seem to ever be in a holiday spirit nor did he celebrate major holidays. The office was small – 4 people other than her. She felt alone. Everyone was much older than her and did not seem to care about her life. She applied for jobs online that offered any type of benefits because the current position did not. She could not get another job because she was either over-qualified, under-qualified or just lived too far away. She felt stuck in a town that was in the middle of nowhere where there were no other jobs.
Months turned into years. She was bored. She tried online classes at work but every time she needed to test, something at work would always come up and she would get reprimanded for not doing work and just playing online. Either way, she did not know what she wanted to do with her life. Her interests would change almost as soon as she was ready to spend major cash on a path she wanted to pursue. She was worried. Why was she not able to be interested in something long enough to pursue it with hunger and motivation? Was she going to be stuck at this job forever?
NOTES: Life is enough of an inspiration to this writing.