writing

The Middle of a Horrible Thought

I have a decision to make.

It will not come lightly.

The decision must come soon.

I must be absolutely sure.

I go through ups and downs. I am tired. I am naive. I am losing thoughts and memory. I float due to my incompetence and ignorance. I am not that lazy. Yet, people who appear dumber, uglier and more displeasing than me walk through life with no problem. Why do I say shallow things? Because the world is tough. The world is a game of survival of the fittest and the world just needs one thing for you to be successful: Sureness.

The word itself seems like a normal word. It is not considered beautiful. It is not considered smart. It is not considered offensive. It is just a word.

I am looking for a brand. A personal brand for myself. A smart person told me that I needed to have a something in my personality that spoke to my actions. I need an organization. I need a goal. It is silly and selfish to just float through life with no impact on the world around you. From what I gather, the world needs me to do something. The world needs me to feel something.

I have broken ties with some of the things I have felt strongly about, because it was not something I was proud about. How can someone be proud of watching movies and TV shows and always forgetting the content? It is also not something to be proud of for yourself. I am looking for my niche.

“No one seems to get me.” “I don’t like other people.” “The world is getting too big for me.” “I am getting left behind.”

All fears.

Another smart person told me that I am too hard on myself. I have always wondered if that was a bad thing. I need to be hard on myself or some things in my life won’t get done. I have felt this way for a long time. I was just born this way.

How can I change this?

By doing. By feeling. By talking. By learning.

I look at my shoes in embarrassment because the answer is always so simple. The environment I am currently in, is just safe. I am learning nothing. I want to learn, but I feel like it’s too late. A brain fog comes over me and rains on my face saying, “You have become a mushy-brained forgetter. Stop it. If you try, you will fail.”  I know this is not true. But I listen to the wet demon.

My mind is split into all the ways that The Bell Jar split that poor girl. The fruit of all my dreams falls and rots at my feet. I just sit and watch.

When I was younger, I was more ferocious in telling myself that I would not end up this way. But years of sadness and indecisiveness have led me here. My one regret was going to school and not fighting for my own decisions hard enough. But I want to be someone with no regrets. This will never happen because I know if I had another chance, the same things might happen.

It is a waste of time to think of the past.

It is a waste of time to write of the past.

And yet, I continue.

 

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Two-Weeks Notice & Life Lessons

I submitted my two weeks today for my second job.

I gathered myself and said that being unhappy was not gonna fly in 2018.

This year will be about self-healing. I cannot heal if I am unhappy every day.

I have proven that I am willing to change. But I know that I am no where NEAR where I need to be.

Where do I need to be? There is a willingness inside of me that has turned to stone over many many years. I need to chip away at the stone and find out all my potential.

I keep going back to the same place in my mind and I need to not go back anymore. I have always struggled with moving on. I keep finding myself living in the emotions of the past. The habit of the past. Not preventing them in any way. Not growing.

One of the things I learned in life is that if you don’t speak up, bad things will happen. If you don’t accept that government employees at the DMV have the right to be bad at their jobs and totally disrespect you, then it is okay to make a scene. I got what I needed that day despite their incompetence. If you see a baby lost and circling the front of a store, then it is okay to step in and take the kid to the front desk. If you forget a charge you made on a credit card or could have sworn that it was paid, then you can call up the company and have it fixed. If the car shop owner hangs up on you when you ask for the third time about a service that he was supposed to provide, but forgot, then it is okay to explore other avenues and get what you need done. That is knowing when the battle is over, but did not lose anything in the process.

Endless paperwork. Long days of a job that gives you exhaustion. Co-workers that don’t align to your standards of basic human concern. Friends that don’t ask about your life even though you were in their presence for two hours. New diet involving no carbs or sugar. New symptoms of a skin rash or a new color emerging on your body.

There will always be something. You just have to speak up.

It was against my nature because I was trained to observe and not react. The current people around me don’t care about success, but they always complain about not having money. I don’t see any personal success in anyone other than a select few. I like knowing that those who strive for more in a positive way are around me. But those who complain, don’t do anything about anything and are constantly negative will be around me for a while.

I got off topic. Not having this job is scary financially. But it can also be an opportunity. Writing. Exercise. Cooking. Those are my topic choices for the three-four hours of free time each day.

I want to live somewhere cold in the winter. I have decided this. Last time, I came back because I missed one of my friends. Now, I have a significant other to think about as well. But if I have to spend the summer boiling, that will make me unhappy. Watching TV and not doing anything else will make me unhappy. I would rather be the one to experience great things rather than watch someone on TV do it. I have seem different Travel Channel hosts travel to the same place, but I, myself have never gone.

I am trying. I know I have commentaries about people, but it all comes down to loneliness. I feel alone in my thoughts and ideas. There aren’t many people who want to be ambitious around me. There are no people who say, “Can I join you? I will do whatever it takes.” But instead there are people who say, “I can never do that! It’s not my thing.” I have dealt with this a lot. So much to the point where I give in and do what everyone else is doing.

I will try to treasure those who give a crap about me. Sometimes I give too much attention to those who don’t and I just hate life. I can’t help it. I will say that as you get older, that you care less about what other people think. Manoj Bhargava said it best when he said that he didn’t think anyone was doing anything right. People can only tell you the mistakes to be made but there really no formula to success. You watch people on Shark Tank only to see that the high tech product that they spent four-times their life-savings on is horrible. I want to apply this to other parts of my life as well. One of the reasons why Psychology didn’t work out for me was the fact that there were people who you had to depend on for their emotions, money, accolades, respect. (The research field) And I know that if I see people who have made poor choices over and over again, that I would get depressed quickly. (The clinical field) There is skill involved for both, but the patience or butt-kissing would be too much. Something that I could not do. AND YET I tell myself, that I should still pursue it. JUST BECAUSE I hold a degree in it. I am confused.

Money is something I hate. School is too much. I would like to go back to school but I am scared about being as unmotivated and a bad procrastinator as last time. There was no vision. I was following the pack. The weakest link on several occasions. I don’t even want to go back to UCLA because I did myself a great injustice there. I am literally still paying the price.

I am trying to work up the courage to go back again. ONLY ONE person has ever taken interest in this. When I told her an idea I had, unbeknownst to me, she researched it and gave me a print out to help me. I was so touched. There has been encouragement to stick to my Keto diet, but there has been no encouragement to my future. There have only been, “You should go back if you want a better job,” with no sense of direction. Now that I see this, it sounds like I just want someone to do the work for me. But in truth, I just want someone to be interested.

Never trust a guidance counselor. They are not interested in you.

From what I learned, you just gotta hustle. You gotta get your head in and call people out. You have to ask a million questions to get the right responses from people. Some people change their minds midway or you simply cannot trust what they have to say. I cannot tell you the unimaginable pain it is to be on the phone and they have to redirect you so much that they redirect you back to the first person you talked to. That is an example of a modern-day battle. You gotta grow courage and get some balls. People don’t care about you, because they care about themselves first. The government won’t tell you about special programs that can help you because they don’t want you to use them. That’s life.

How messed up is that?

Anyway, I am gonna do it. I am gonna apply to school again I am going back to community college, I decided. I am gonna try this computer science thing that I wanted to do 10 years ago.

I can do it.

Prompt #1: Strangers

Great stories often begin with the arrival of a a stranger. Have the stranger make a grand entrance and then take it from there.

The party started and there was already some disastrous little details that were not taken care of. The women were all wearing the wrong color. They were told to wear black and these particular women instead rebelled and wore every other shade of the spectrum. The men were all told to do the same, but they wore shiny suits of blue, green and gray. The music was a singer who was told to sing Sinatra and instead sang heavy metal lyrics in a 20s style. The food was all a worldwide disasterly array of over-the-top crackers and bland cheeses. The banquet hall was unswept, poorly lit and every chandalier was missing lightbulbs and glass pieces. The people were confused and giggling either over the poor planning or over their own wardrobe rebellion.

As everyone drank the over-iced punch and laughed, the double doors opened with a loud BANG. Everyone looked anxiously to toward the door and there stood an handsome man in a tuxedo and a woman in a long black dress. They stood there a second with a stare that pierced everyone in the room. The people gasped and made way as the couple walked towards the center of the hall. Their shoes made the only sound and it seemed like minutes were hours as they passed all the guilty faces of the guests. The woman was holding a baby which did not move. There in the center of the room, stood a pedestal, covered with red solo cups of the poor red drink. The man in black throws each cup onto the ground and wipes the surface clean of any dirt or dust. The woman in black places the baby onto cold marble delicately. The couple then walk out the doors and lock it shut behind them.

A party goer with a loud yellow dress examines the strange baby. “It’s dead!” She yells. Everyone looks at one another and cheer.

The last babe has died.

How Do You Know?

I still type at 38WPM but I tell people that it’s 45.

I am at work and I hate it. Is it because I am in an office and goofing off all day? Does the internet and a computer do that to me? Yes. I like goofing off because I don’t like work.

I think that I have to face the facts. I don’t know who I am and that my second job is making me a bitter person. I am much much more rude now. I dunno how it is possible to be this rude, but I found it. I am pretend nice and I think people now know that about me. I can see it in their body language. My co-workers just don’t like me. I think it may be because I don’t like them. Probably. They are good people, but it wan’t all my fault.

I need to leave. I am getting that same feeling that I had when I left and moved to Colorado. I need to go somewhere else.

My brain cannot work under this heated pressure. It never has been able to. The summer is hard. Although I am indoors, I always feel outdoors. Overheated, irritated, unable to concentrate…

If this 110 degree weather is not bad enough, my jobs are making me hate life. I am starting to just hate people. I even take it out on my boyfriend sometimes… I wonder if he knows… I hate people because they are either at a sucky job but have a great social life OR they have a bad social life but have a good job. I REALLY hate people who have it all.

I cannot think straight.

I just know that everything I am doing is wrong and I need to start feeling right.

This heat is unbearable.

A One-Sided Conversation With Myself

Every day is a struggle to find meaning and happiness in my life. A STRUGGLE. It does not mean that I actually do something about it, but just the opposite. I sometimes wonder why I am an idiot, TV addict. I was told by a stranger whom I respect that I just have to meditate on me. That’s dumb. I have psychoanalyzed the shit out out my mind and body as well as the people I know. Why should I just sit around and think some more? My main problem is just DOING. I don’t know how to DO. I don’t know if I ever did.

What incites my passion?

I like writing. But I am not as good at it as I would like to believe. Hell, I just taught myself to type properly only recently.

Get better.

What is this voice in my head that just said that? Oh yeah, THAT voice. That voice is dumb.

Psychology was never your passion. 

There is that voice again… Damn voice. You harsh. If you don’t already know, I have a B.A. in Psychology.

You love food to the point of an unhealthy obsession.

I know I know. Pick on the person who sleeps right after eating. I person willing to eat until she becomes broke.

Technology is interesting, but you are not logical enough nor willing to put in the hours to pursue it. 

This voice is saying things that make me upset. I have been seriously considering to learn to code. Why are you saying that? What happened to “Get better.”

You basically live in front of a screen watching your life away. To you, it is your happiness. 

No argument there.

What does food, TV and writing have in common?

Ugh. I am not gonna be an Anthony Bourdain, okay? I don’t give a shit about being a travel/food blogger. I don’t even like reviewing things on Yelp. How are these things supposed to set me on a path to a future? This voice does not know that I am an artsy person who thinks that getting into the arts will be horrible.

Will it? Or can you find another way other than the black and white way that you just described?

Uh… I am not sure…

You can still pursue anything other than modeling or sports, which you don’t want to do. Neuroplasticity is alive and well in your mind. You can easily go and pursue anything you have started but haven’t finished. I am just trying to guide your mind and passions. 

Yeah yeah. Save me the story, voice in my head. Dude I am just screwed up. I washed out Millennial with a semi-respectable job who refuses to believe that Human Resources is a college major. (I just thought that shit was learned on the job) I refuse to believe that there are jobs that required a college education in the past that are entry-level anyway. Hell, even the job I have now seems like any person eager for a job can do it. ANYONE. But I needed a degree for this shit. Colleges just seem like half of the on-the-job-training that I receive anyway. NO ONE knows what they really need to do and yet, the person with the flair, connections, extroverted personality and “relevant” degrees are the most valuable/most desirable people to hire.

We seem to have gotten off topic. What does TheHumanGirl want? 

I want a job that I can live off of that I can also be happy with doing. I want to be happy and not worry about money all that much. But here YOU ARE telling me to pursue an artsy fartsy passion that I KNOW will just make me a Millennial loser cliche. The jobs I have now at least pay my bills.

You need to be happy first. 

I know…

 

A Letter To Someone With A Name That Haunts Me

To be an incompetent person is a very unnatural thing. Are we born to be a Homer Simpson or a Lisa Simpson? Should we be as ignorant as we can or should we just know the heavy truths about the realities of this world? The phrase, “ignorance is bliss” has been true to me on many occasions. Not knowing what mean things people say about you in another language saves you from hating them. Less hate is bliss. Not knowing how to help an angry person or child and just pawning them off to someone else saves you the trouble of stress. Less stress is bliss. Not knowing the horrible things the world shows every night on the news saves you the terrors of senseless inhumanity and sadness for others. Less sadness is bliss. Not knowing how to correctly do a task – any task- saves you the mental anguish of panic and self-hate. Less self-hate is bliss. So why ever do anything if there is someone who can perform it better than you? Why should they teach your feeble, television-rotted brain anything if you are just going to make a mistake anyway? How important is your job, your family, your social status and the world you live in if they are all disappointing and demanding to your mental health and emotional well-being and they will all just disappoint you anyway? — These are all questions that can’t be answered directly. Ignorance is bliss until you start to harm the lives of those around you. You slack and then suddenly the world falls apart. The pursuit of perfection is non-existent. Should you be allowed to slip up? Is there room to fail? I say that there should be room to be a dumbass. I don’t believe in excuses, but I do believe in informing someone what went wrong with you. Don’t live your life like a Korean drama and just stand there and take abuse. You should stand up and argue- be strong and show others that you are learning, being better at something. Don’t expect me to be perfect. Don’t expect me to worship the ground you walk on when you made plenty of mistakes yourself. Just be with me… listen to my opinions and smile at me every so often. Just let me know that your presence is a human one so that I can do away with the bliss of ignorance and throw myself out there and be a risk taker. If I have to write a manual about my duties and exceptions, then tell me to don’t just go on about how I should just remember. Or better yet, hand me one that you made yourself- if you even did. Pretending to be better than me will not help. Pretending that I do not exist after a while just hurts me. It will make me ignore myself, my work and, ultimately, those around me. I am here. I will not sit idly by while you make me feel like the lesser. I try but at my own pace. You can’t expect me to treat strangers like family so easily when I barely know my own family. I am new to this place. Your easy-going world of work and play. I am sensitive and quiet. I am introverted and mysterious. But if you take my smile away, I will become a robot.

And I don’t know if I can do that…

Last NaBloPoMo Post & Pap Smear!

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Happy to eat you November Blogging.

 

Today I could have wrote about possibly the worst pap smear I have ever received. I could have written about how just her finger going in felt really wrong. I could have written about how the speculum felt like a piece of old plastic that did not go in without force or unwelcome friction. I don’t even want to write about how just the doctor getting the sample made my hands push my body up and away from the table, which my back struggled to lay on naturally. I don’t even want to write about the apologies that she kept giving me during and after the procedure. I don’t want to record her opinion on my sensitivity and the white chunks I saw on her latex gloves. Was that conversation I had with the overly nice male nurse even worth mentioning when he handed me my prescription? (Especially when he said that it was for my “lady parts.”)

You always feel violated afterwards…

… And a feeling to need to pee.


 

Yay!

I have finished THIRTY blogs this month! It was not easy. (Even though I sometimes cheated) I have a lot of things to work on when it comes to my writing. I’m not the best writer, but I don’t think that I am the worst!

I went through a lot in the beginning of this month. A lot of self-doubt and confusion. I do feel like I am in a better place but not without some damage to my creativity. (Which had happened during the middle of this month)

Thanks National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo) for existing. I would like to say that my goal is to do NaNoWriMo at least once, but I am glad I am taking baby steps. This was a good exercise in self-discipline and creativity and I am glad that I did it.

Proud moment.

Uninspired: Part 3

What inspires me?

Nothing at the moment.

I wonder if this is because of the new drugs I’m on. I really hope it passes. I don’t feel like writing. I don’t feel inspired at all. To do anything.

This empty shell that I have created. I am upset over you. I move my fingers around. I can’t feel the fingerprints. I feel a light brush.

I don’t like this. I can’t write the same things that I am used to writing. I don’t know what to do.