Month: March 2018

Follow Your Guts: A Probiotic for Emotions

I am gonna have to make this decision. I am the one who has to do it.

I am ashamed of myself. While we were watching the Korean Drama, Black, I felt myself be annoying. I don’t know why. I LOATHED myself. But I continued to do the same thing over and over. I kept TALKING. I could not stop. The whole time, I felt this bad attitude come out of me. I mean, I was not bad bad, but I did not appreciate myself for my negativity. But I did not stop.

I have been told that I am too hard on myself. I have been told that I am very self-aware. I have been told that I can be negative.

All true?

This is how I currently view myself:

I am a woman/girl who has failed at finding a full-time job in life. I ruminate on all the bad things that happen to me. I prefer my privacy and cannot be in the company of some people for too long. I love television to the point that it has rotted my brain. I am not self-aware and I make mistakes often. I do things I feel like I should not be doing. I treat people poorly sometimes. I give my friends priority for my free time over my family. I am negative because I am trying to “see the truth.” I suspect that I am doing poorly at my current job but no one tells me so because they are either scared of me or feel sorry for me. I put up with my significant other when he tells me what I am doing wrong and take it very personally because I feel like no one has the guts to tell me I am doing something bad or wrong like he does. I have lost a great amount a weight this year with self-control and I view it as “too slow” or “I should have done this sooner because my body looks wreaked beyond natural repair now.” I am always gonna be the fat girl no matter what setting I am in. I feel very stupid and I am doing some things a stupid person with no morals would do. (Self-Fulfilling Prophecy, I guess) I am in denial of whether or not I need professional help, because in my past experience, no one helps me in the way I need help- They give me a sour face and tell me to go somewhere else or to figure it out on my own. I don’t see myself as ugly and I don’t see myself as beautiful- I feel anyone who accuses me of either adjective is wrong. I can’t go back to school because I will screw up and have to pay thousands for a degree that I end up not liking.  I am scared.

I hate this fear.

 

It is consuming me. I bury myself into a deeper, darker, more emo hole. I have not grown. I have not matured emotionally. I cannot succeed.

 

And yet, my instinctive solution is to run away.

I cannot run away. I will not change in this way. I need to fix the view of myself I already have or else I am doomed to just repeat my mistakes everywhere else I go in the future.

 

First things first, I need purpose. A purpose to live life.

I think that if I get a permanent, full-time job as an adult, that is a measurable count of success. Losing 50 pounds is a measurable count of success. Having daily conversations with people where I don’t feel like a complete idiot is a measurable count of success. Feeling like I know things and can teach them effectively is a measurable count of success. Knowing everything about my job and doing it with happiness is a measurable count of success. Not second-guessing myself in front of my significant other is a measurable count of success. Proudly thinking that my routines and contributions that I make every day is a measurable count of success. Being able to speak in an eloquent, clear way so that my speech and writing are positive is a measurable count of success. Persistence and not quitting so often is a measurable count of success.

What is worth it enough to where I can be happy? What will fill in all the gaps?

If I can do something that can change the course of the rest of my life in a positive way that should be the start of a successful future. They say that you need to be constantly uncomfortable when you are learning something new. But once that feeling is over, you get to be comfortable again. Comfort is not always a good thing.

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23andme Results!

So I just got my 23andme results today!

It said that I was mostly from the Middle East and Africa. It was interesting because I thought I had more Balkan/Southern European in me because of how white I looked. Turns out that the 1.4% Balkan/European I did have in me most likely gave me my appearance. I only say these things because people from the desert or Africa have darker skin, which I do not have, so I just made those conclusions. At least I know now.

It was strange on some parts of the report because I seem to be the opposite on some of the responses that others have reported. The test said that I can be more likely to get celiac disease or age-related macular degeneration. But those are nothing compared to the big bad health stuff. I will take it with a grain of salt and not freak out over it. If anything, my Keto diet is prefect with celiac disease. So I am waaay ahead of the game if I develop it anyway.

Kinda nice to know a little bit about my genes. Now you know too.

The Middle of a Horrible Thought

I have a decision to make.

It will not come lightly.

The decision must come soon.

I must be absolutely sure.

I go through ups and downs. I am tired. I am naive. I am losing thoughts and memory. I float due to my incompetence and ignorance. I am not that lazy. Yet, people who appear dumber, uglier and more displeasing than me walk through life with no problem. Why do I say shallow things? Because the world is tough. The world is a game of survival of the fittest and the world just needs one thing for you to be successful: Sureness.

The word itself seems like a normal word. It is not considered beautiful. It is not considered smart. It is not considered offensive. It is just a word.

I am looking for a brand. A personal brand for myself. A smart person told me that I needed to have a something in my personality that spoke to my actions. I need an organization. I need a goal. It is silly and selfish to just float through life with no impact on the world around you. From what I gather, the world needs me to do something. The world needs me to feel something.

I have broken ties with some of the things I have felt strongly about, because it was not something I was proud about. How can someone be proud of watching movies and TV shows and always forgetting the content? It is also not something to be proud of for yourself. I am looking for my niche.

“No one seems to get me.” “I don’t like other people.” “The world is getting too big for me.” “I am getting left behind.”

All fears.

Another smart person told me that I am too hard on myself. I have always wondered if that was a bad thing. I need to be hard on myself or some things in my life won’t get done. I have felt this way for a long time. I was just born this way.

How can I change this?

By doing. By feeling. By talking. By learning.

I look at my shoes in embarrassment because the answer is always so simple. The environment I am currently in, is just safe. I am learning nothing. I want to learn, but I feel like it’s too late. A brain fog comes over me and rains on my face saying, “You have become a mushy-brained forgetter. Stop it. If you try, you will fail.”  I know this is not true. But I listen to the wet demon.

My mind is split into all the ways that The Bell Jar split that poor girl. The fruit of all my dreams falls and rots at my feet. I just sit and watch.

When I was younger, I was more ferocious in telling myself that I would not end up this way. But years of sadness and indecisiveness have led me here. My one regret was going to school and not fighting for my own decisions hard enough. But I want to be someone with no regrets. This will never happen because I know if I had another chance, the same things might happen.

It is a waste of time to think of the past.

It is a waste of time to write of the past.

And yet, I continue.

 

Where is it?

I can’t find the happiness. I have officially completed a milestone set on my Warren Buffett list. In the past two months, I have lost 20 pounds. Today was my official weigh-in but I have had this knowledge for the past two days.

But, where is the happiness I should be feeling?

I have done something that most would consider to be an accomplishment. But I am not happy. I see the changes clearly. I feel the changes daily. But I have a long way to go. The fact that I was physically able to gain 20 pounds in a month two years ago says that I cannot control myself. I am unable to put my sadness or disappointment into a healthy outlet. Stress has also been a factor in weight gain this past year. It wasn’t as quick but it affected me just as poorly.

I am not saying that I am in any of these positions. In fact, I am no longer full of stress. However, there are the days where I feel like the weight loss journey is not going as fast as I would like it to and that itself depresses me. To lose so much weight and still only look slightly different is heartbreaking sometimes. I keep going though.

I have a lot of encouragement around me. I do not like talking about it with my family because I don’t like answering their questions, but I am more open with close friends. My family doesn’t have the best track record with encouraging me or trying to help me in the past. So I associate them with bad memories. There is one memory of me starting out on a diet in High School and my mom comes in and out of nowhere starts telling me that I was fat and I needed to lose weight. I was more sensitive back then and I was more full of anger. For me, that of all times to talk to me, it had to be when I was just starting out and struggling. It was upsetting. She didn’t even offer to help me, just berated me for being fat. Sometimes I feel like thoughts like that are what helped me become a spoiled American kid.

Today, my family knows I am on Keto. I don’t think they know what it is, but they congratulate me on my visible weight loss. I just accept that from them. It’s not negative and as long as they don’t ask me questions that I cannot emotionally handle coming from them, I am okay.

Anyway, back to the title question: “Where is it?” The milestone is important to me, but it means that I am one-fifth of the way there. There is still so much that I need to do.

What is there to do? Well, I need to exercise more. I have indeed seen a pattern in my weight loss trend. I don’t lose anything every other week or so. That said, in order to prevent plateauing so much in a month, I must incorporate heart-pumping workouts. That is my solution. I have also been interested in the plantar fasciitus in my left foot and getting rid of it. I am going to focus on that more lately. I can’t do HIIT workouts if my foot is in pain most of the time.

I am proud of myself but I am not happy. I think that will come with time when I am able to juggle more things.