happiness

Two Weeks Notice

I applied for this job back in April and they called me last Wednesday to ask if I still wanted the job due to one of their employees leaving to be closer to home. I was thrilled. It was a job I still wanted and made an interview for the next day.

Yesterday, I was extended an offer. I finally was able to give my two weeks to my current positions. At my first job, I am with a company that I have serious mixed feelings about and now, I am finally able to leave. My second job was something that I just started on the 1st. It was much harder to give him my two weeks.

I am now flooded with pride and opportunity.

This is what I want this job to be like:

  • Just a job. I don’t want to feel bad for nobody. I don’t want responsibility of someone else’s feelings.
  • Full-time. I can now brag that I have an adult, full-time job with overtime benefits. I also have the chance to move up within this new company.
  • Money-maker. I want to save up money for big things. School, food and travel to be specific.
  • Experience. I am unsure about the corporate experience, but I am excited that this will introduce me to some of it.
  • Insurance. More specifically, health insurance. I no longer have to worry about where my health insurance is coming from.
  • A stepping stone. More money, more experience, more responsibility. All will give me more direction to where I want to go (Wherever that may be). I am happy about this because I know that this may be something I don’t want to do, but due to the overwhelming benefits of this new job, it outweighs whatever I am doing right now. I am okay with that.

 

P.S. No more cockroaches. No more babysitting seniors’ smoke breaks. No more blatant misguidance or lack thereof. Just Adult Work.

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The World Shows A Smile

Leonardo_da_Vinci_-_Mona_Lisa

That smile.

When the world shows a smile, you examine it. A smile can mean a lot of things nowadays. Kindness, happiness, deceit, a brave face, a fake face, a habit, or even at a dentist checkup… All types a smiles to be fluent in. But when the world shows you something intimate, it all but takes a second to figure things out. Is this a genuine smile or a fake smile? How can one tell the difference?

There is not way to tell the difference between the two without practice.

However, when the world shows a genuinely kind smile, it is foolish to look away. It’s the kind of smile that brightens your day. The kind of smile that makes to feel like there is good in the world. The kind of smile you have always deserved, but haven’t seen in a while.

In some countries, a smile is a sign of weakness. But I see it differently. A smile shows beauty and compassion as well as kindness and friendship. It is definitely a habit I show, even when the situation does not traditionally call for a smile. Should you regret a smile?

Health and happiness. Deceitful and fake. The world can show many smiles.

End.

NOTE: This post was inspired by Mike Shinoda and his Instagram account with photos of him smiling. Just wanted to mention how his smiles are awesome. I only wish to have that many photos of me in such a positive disposition. He seems so happy it is almost contagious. I want to believe that they are happy smiles… and I do.

Thanks Mike Shinoda.

Where is it?

I can’t find the happiness. I have officially completed a milestone set on my Warren Buffett list. In the past two months, I have lost 20 pounds. Today was my official weigh-in but I have had this knowledge for the past two days.

But, where is the happiness I should be feeling?

I have done something that most would consider to be an accomplishment. But I am not happy. I see the changes clearly. I feel the changes daily. But I have a long way to go. The fact that I was physically able to gain 20 pounds in a month two years ago says that I cannot control myself. I am unable to put my sadness or disappointment into a healthy outlet. Stress has also been a factor in weight gain this past year. It wasn’t as quick but it affected me just as poorly.

I am not saying that I am in any of these positions. In fact, I am no longer full of stress. However, there are the days where I feel like the weight loss journey is not going as fast as I would like it to and that itself depresses me. To lose so much weight and still only look slightly different is heartbreaking sometimes. I keep going though.

I have a lot of encouragement around me. I do not like talking about it with my family because I don’t like answering their questions, but I am more open with close friends. My family doesn’t have the best track record with encouraging me or trying to help me in the past. So I associate them with bad memories. There is one memory of me starting out on a diet in High School and my mom comes in and out of nowhere starts telling me that I was fat and I needed to lose weight. I was more sensitive back then and I was more full of anger. For me, that of all times to talk to me, it had to be when I was just starting out and struggling. It was upsetting. She didn’t even offer to help me, just berated me for being fat. Sometimes I feel like thoughts like that are what helped me become a spoiled American kid.

Today, my family knows I am on Keto. I don’t think they know what it is, but they congratulate me on my visible weight loss. I just accept that from them. It’s not negative and as long as they don’t ask me questions that I cannot emotionally handle coming from them, I am okay.

Anyway, back to the title question: “Where is it?” The milestone is important to me, but it means that I am one-fifth of the way there. There is still so much that I need to do.

What is there to do? Well, I need to exercise more. I have indeed seen a pattern in my weight loss trend. I don’t lose anything every other week or so. That said, in order to prevent plateauing so much in a month, I must incorporate heart-pumping workouts. That is my solution. I have also been interested in the plantar fasciitus in my left foot and getting rid of it. I am going to focus on that more lately. I can’t do HIIT workouts if my foot is in pain most of the time.

I am proud of myself but I am not happy. I think that will come with time when I am able to juggle more things.

This Fear…

One of the things that I have dealt with in my life has always been fear.

Fear is a stupid word. It can completely overtake your life if you are not brave enough.

In today’s context, fear has to do with the unknown. The unknown of getting a new job that I can financially support myself on. The unknown of self-improvement. Can I do everything that I want to do?

My boyfriend has a nice point of view on life. GET A HOBBY. It can be the stupidest hobby in the world. You can spray paint googly eyes and glue them on T-shirts.* I did not encourage myself for hobbies. I used to have hobbies but I lost them. Sounds silly but it is not the physical items that were lost, but it was a result of a time in my life where having a hobby meant getting a lower grade on an exam. There was no time to do the stuff that I wanted to do. Over time, my hobby became procrastination and procrastination was watching TV.

So I have come to the dumbest conclusion ever: I am scared to find a hobby I like. In some ways having a hobby meant failure in my past.

I listen to a podcast called “How I Built This.” It’s about how entrepreneurs started their businesses up from an idea. Not all of them believed that their idea would be a big deal, but a good amount of them did. For some, it started off as a hobby. For others, they knew that their idea was going to be huge. My boyfriend has told me that one should not aspire to do something because they should, but because they want to- gives them happiness. Truly words of wisdom. But there is this part of me that doesn’t believe it. It wants to say, “How the hell is buying googly eyes, spray painting over them and sticking them on T-shirts is gonna make any money at all?! Don’t waste your time!” But the point is not to make money, but to be happy. Some day, I would like to be the boss of something. I would like to be a boss of a company or boss of a signature idea. I just want to leave something behind that people might enjoy or make people happy. Society does not appreciate all types of artistic visions. That is a very disheartening thing to hear. There will always be critics. There will always be people who say that you are an idiot. A nightmare indeed. My ideas WANT to be bigger than myself. They CRAVE to be bigger than myself. It is not a matter of doing something only for myself. My brain wants to do something for somebody and then get the recognition that it deserves for that same thing. Something that somebody said that I mattered in some way. It seems like a negative point of view doesn’t it? It doesn’t seem right. But that’s my unique brain.

So what does this all mean? If we go back to the idea of fear, it means that fear of failure is inevitable no matter what I do. But it matters WHY I do something. If I do it to be happy, then I will succeed. If I do it to gain recognition then I will fail. But how do I change my mind to get around all of this bullshit?

Unfortunately, it is a simple answer: Just do it and see what happens.

There are a million things that I can do in this world. The world will always say that I will not have enough experience on my resume, the world will tell me that my name is hard to pronounce, the world will tell me that I look unattractive and unhealthy, the world will tell me that I am not coherent or smart enough to understand many things, the world will break my heart in two – but as long as I am doing something that matters, with the utmost passion I can put into it, then I will have a place where I can live with no regrets, no sadness, no more failed New Year’s Resolutions and no more fear…

Look down and you will only see the ground. Look up and you will see the changing sky.

I want to look up.

 

*Example of a totally useless, totally unique hobby someone other than me might enjoy.

Confusing Happiness With Love?

I recently had an amazing experience with a guy. My first relationship ever. We had just gone on our third date together… and then he told me that he loved me…

Do I love him as much as he loves me? I repeated that I loved him back but I wonder if this is all going too fast… I have strong feelings for him, for sure, but I am wondering if I am just too insecure to tell him that I feel a little different.

I mean, I am the type that GROWS love for a person instead of just feel it right away.

I feel….

  • too inexperienced
  • too naive
  • too weak
  • too blind
  • too scared
  • too different
  • too worried
  • too scandalous
  • too confused
  • too nervous
  • too greedy
  • too selfish
  • too sensitive
  • too curious
  • too second-guessing
  • too horrible
  • too… loved… Is that a bad thing?

I am a wreck of emotions right now. I take time to think things over and I have thought it all over about what happened last night. What if we are different people hidden in a mask of googly-eyed love? He has already talked about marriage… I don’t want him proposing to me after a month… I need to take hold of the reigns here before it is too late…

-The Human Girl

 

P.S. What is it about me that makes him so into me? :/