I have been doing things that I cannot speak of. I have been saying things only to have them come back to me. I have been treating the people around me badly. Now all I have is silence and resentment.
You came into my life. I treated you kindly at first, but then not so much.
It’s a cry out into the world. “I want to be alone, but don’t know how!” I am silent.
It’s an emo subject but it is also very relevant. I cannot wish to make you like me anymore. Just leave me be. There is no one I can have a conversation with. Only small talk. Every day is full of fucking small talk. I cannot stand it.
At work, I feel like an outcast. More small talk I am not capable of. They never get my jokes anyway… I just want them to leave me alone and to give me the answers I need. Stop talking about your personal problems like I care. It’s just time you waste not working…
How do you tell people that you are not okay? How do you tell them that you are so alone that you want them to go away? How do you tell them that being with them is a chore? How do you tell them that you are happiest when you spend the shortest amount of time with them? Do you secretly hate them? Do you carry resentment that is not there? Do they bore you? Do they make you want to do things that you dislike? Do they remind you of someone or something in your life that you hate? Do they make you feel lonelier?
Then there is no making you happy then. You cannot even surround yourself with people that help lift your spirits. You are not capable of seeing past yourself. You are not capable of fully loving and understanding a fellow human being. You are just there to accept what people throw at you and to not reciprocate. You just want to be alone because people just want you to be theirs and not yours. You cannot physically be alone because of them. You are tied to your phone – where many of them are. These short term relationships are taking much out of you and you cannot stop. You won’t stop until you find someone to confide in. Someone who is capable of being there for you. You wanted this since you were a school-aged child. You cannot find it no matter how hard you look. Perhaps too picky. Perhaps you are just destined to be alone and all this wanting is making you crazy. It’s just supposed to happen when you least expect it, right? Bullshit. It has never happened. You just end up knowing more people who make you feel alone and foreign.
Presents and gifts are meaningless. I just want time. Time that I can pretend to get back on waiting for you for so long.
If I disappear, I will be in the company of myself. It’s not personal. Or maybe… it technically is. It’s one of those, “I love you, but I need my space now. Leave me alone.”