My Life

Two Weeks Notice

I applied for this job back in April and they called me last Wednesday to ask if I still wanted the job due to one of their employees leaving to be closer to home. I was thrilled. It was a job I still wanted and made an interview for the next day.

Yesterday, I was extended an offer. I finally was able to give my two weeks to my current positions. At my first job, I am with a company that I have serious mixed feelings about and now, I am finally able to leave. My second job was something that I just started on the 1st. It was much harder to give him my two weeks.

I am now flooded with pride and opportunity.

This is what I want this job to be like:

  • Just a job. I don’t want to feel bad for nobody. I don’t want responsibility of someone else’s feelings.
  • Full-time. I can now brag that I have an adult, full-time job with overtime benefits. I also have the chance to move up within this new company.
  • Money-maker. I want to save up money for big things. School, food and travel to be specific.
  • Experience. I am unsure about the corporate experience, but I am excited that this will introduce me to some of it.
  • Insurance. More specifically, health insurance. I no longer have to worry about where my health insurance is coming from.
  • A stepping stone. More money, more experience, more responsibility. All will give me more direction to where I want to go (Wherever that may be). I am happy about this because I know that this may be something I don’t want to do, but due to the overwhelming benefits of this new job, it outweighs whatever I am doing right now. I am okay with that.

 

P.S. No more cockroaches. No more babysitting seniors’ smoke breaks. No more blatant misguidance or lack thereof. Just Adult Work.

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My Stupid Near-Death Experience

BACKSTORY: Yesterday, I worked for 10 hours straight. I just got a new side job this week and have not really adjusted yet. In few words: I was tired. However, I needed to drive an hour out to my best friend’s house for her birthday. My gift included chocolate and since it has been 100+ degrees out I had to keep it in a nondescript IKEA bag I took indoors to both jobs. I had to juggle uniform -> professional dress for both jobs- changing my shoes and shirt in the short 15mins between them. I got stuck in a Taco Bell drive thru so that was really 2mins of changing time. Both jobs had their stresses and challenges that day, so by the end, I was kind of mentally drained.

The ride to my friend’s house was fine. I drove over 90 for some of it. I could not believe the amount of slow or distracted drivers on the road. I had my music, A/C blasting unusually cold and was feeling okay.

THE EXPERIENCE: I was almost there. I had found and missed a potential parking spot. I decided to make a U-turn on a small busy street that turns out was too small to do a U-turn, but decided to try it anyway. A single green light, no arrows to tell you when to make a left. You need to wait for all oncoming cars to pass before you can make a left turn. I didn’t. My brain did not register this. The street was really too small to make a U-turn and I needed to BACK UP to finish making it properly. This is were I saw the guy on the motorcycle flip me off and then did a wheelie down the street. This is where I looked in my rear-view mirror and saw the traffic I had stopped. I just couldn’t believe it.

AFTERMATH: I was lucky I did not get hit. I was lucky no one (especially the motorcycle driver) did not get hurt. I cried for a while after my friend’s party. It just eats me up that I put so many in danger for something I did that was so preventable. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have had the careless behavior of an idiot driver? I like to drive fast. It just makes me feel alive sometimes. Makes me feel like the free and open road is all mine. I feel like driving so fast before this incident was definitely a factor into my driving habits. Whenever I drive tired, stupid shit happens. But my problem is also that I do not like to drive slow. I do not like driving in the lane everyone passes by. I do not like inefficient slow habits, like driving slow in the faster lane. I took a good hard, look at my driving habits. Will I ever change this? One of my only favorite things to do is to drive fast or at least drive on a road all alone. I am still shaky. I am still in disbelief. I am still upset at myself.

No more U-turns…. on that street near my friend’s place.

 

P.S. Sorry to all who had to witness the stupidest driver in history. Sorry to the motorcycle guy who almost hit me. I understand that it was reckless, stupid and dangerous. But the scariest part was, I didn’t know it at the time… Easily the mother of all accidents.

 

Fast Heartbeat

When the world stops, it makes you think. How could I have been better? How could I have changed things? In reality, you would do it all again. I am not a person to say that change is the best. But I am a person to think that I am not good enough for new change.

My heart has been beating fast for a while now. It won’t stop. Am I making the right move? I do not know.

Is this stress? Worry? Heartbreak? Did I do something wrong? Am I doing the right thing? The wrong thing? Are these questions I will always ask myself?

My mind is like a hive of bees. Constantly buzzing. Constantly building. Constantly rushing in and out. I ask myself many questions. I ask myself if there is something wrong with me… I ask myself what I deserve and how much of it do I deserve.

I think of myself as lowly. I cannot do anything of great importance until I have changed that. I know…

I want to know that I can prove myself. I want to see that I will try hard at something. That doesn’t come without discipline. That doesn’t come without surrounding myself in that world.

I like to goof off. I like to relax at home. I like to think that I can take it easy because my squishy body really enjoys it. But I am too young to live like a retiree. I crave the home life but I have certainly failed the professional side of life. What would happen if I had kids? How would they respect me if I just think a television program is more important than they are? I would be horrified. I want my kids to be the most important thing in my life. I want my work to come in second. I want these things and yet, I am unable to prove that I deserve it.

I need to stop crying.

 

A Sweet Voice

There is a time that there will be a sweet-talker in your life. They will call you “honey,” “sweetie,” “love,” and you will feel a tinge of comfort. However, I usually feel uncomfortable if someone who is not my grandmother has calls me any of those things. I hate these words in the professional setting.

I recently got a side job and hated it. I put no work into it and just got off a phone call about my lack of efforts. Boss lady was no longer using “love” to talk to me. When the phone call ended, I felt like she should have expected this terrible behavior from me. Her business is disorganized and I felt like the office girls looked down on me. She was the only nice person. I don’t feel as bad as I normally would. They didn’t even pay me on time nor did they know where I lived. I spent so much money to get into this job and I barely broke even when I left. I have never felt more like a person on strings slapped with sweet talk. I need out of this game.

It is what it is.

Broken-Hearted

When a heart drops you never forget it.

It’s as painful and someone punching your “trusty” gut.

You see the warm, beating ticker turn ice cold,

And shatter into a million pieces, as it makes contact with the ground.

When you realize that your heart was beating for all the reasons you questioned,

You feel like a fool.

Broken Mind.

Broken Heart.

Forgiving Myself For Social Mistakes

Subtle Language

So I had bronchitis this past week. Hacking up a lung is never fun. I went to a wedding and there was a guy smoking like a chimney behind me. I escaped to the lobby for some fresh air where I saw the bride. After a happy exchange, she asked me what I was doing. I told her I was “escaping” from the smoke and she took concern over my health and told me to take care of myself. After that exchange, I left without saying goodbye due to her disappearing into a massive sea of guest dancing.

What I really should feel bad about but don’t: Leaving without saying goodbye.

What I feel bad about: Said that I was “escaping.”

Why did that make me feel horrible?: Because of the wording of how I said it. Telling the bride that you are escaping her wedding is probably not the best thing to say to a bride on her wedding day.

Would she even care I did or said any of that?: Most likely not.

Did I tell a bunch of people about how bad I felt about this meaningless exchange?: You better believe it.

What did they say?: That I was fine.

Duh.

The Job Hunt No One Is Prepared For

So you want a job? A regular 9-5? You didn’t study hard enough in school? You weren’t passionate in school? You weren’t passionate about anything when you were going through your teenage years/early twenties? LOL. GOOD LUCK.

If you read this article, you will feel either compassionate towards my efforts of finding a job or roll your eyes. Just know how hard I have been trying and that I consider myself still losing. You are expected to be strong, hopeful, confident and well-dressed during your job search but this article is about how those traits and efforts, that you put in, sometimes do not yield expected results. I hope to educate you in some aspects of the job search I experienced. But know one thing: You must be passionate and have hobbies to find happiness. (That is what I have seen in my successful friends as well as heard on the podcast How I Built This) School does not teach you that. School teaches you some of the important basics, how to follow like a drone, possibly discourage any non-school-related passions or talents you may have and some random things you do not need in order to get ahead in life. You know how they say that school teaches you to be a factory worker? Well, I can’t even land that job. Go have passion if you want to conquer the world. It could literally be in anything that gives you calmness, happiness and reason to exist. Do whatever it takes to get to that point. Read on to learn more.

Let’s begin.

So you just graduated college and you have no true passion in what you just studied…

YAY!

I went to a great school. (One of the top universities in the US on the west coast) I chose to study something called Psychology. I DID NOT think this through. A smart student would actually know what about Psychology they liked. I just liked the subject. A smart person would know that Psychology is not easy or an easy avenue to a job after graduation. To do psych properly in college, you gotta get research experience. I didn’t know that. To understand psychology, you must know that there are roughly two branches of career direction: Research or Practice. Both require you to get top grades, do your own research, get letters of recommendation and give your time to many years of study after a four year degree. YOU MUST LOVE psych before getting into it. You must realize that getting a four-year degree in something you LIKE is not that great.

I am not hating on Psychology. It was fun. It, however, was not practical.

Five years out of school, back in my sleepy hometown, I cannot find a good full-time job. To be fair, the demographics of my hometown leave much to be desired. Then why don’t I move away? Because I am poor. Because I am scared. Because living with your parents is the only way you can have or save money.

I have a part-time job. I get paid above minimum wage so I am still doing better than some friends who do not have a four-year degree. I have never been able to get a good full-time job for some reason. (Not retail, but an office job.) A serious job to show off my skills and dedication. I must have edited my own resume over 100 times by now.

SO WHY DON’T YOU GO BACK TO SCHOOL?

So what if I do? I will have more debt piled on more debt about another passionless study. I am worried that the next thing I go back to school for will be for something I am just doing for the money. (A typical millennial thought, I am aware of this) But it’s true! I hate doing financial or accounting transactions, but I should go back to school and learn them because those jobs get good money. I am not a fan of biology or chemistry but there are jobs for that. When I graduated with no work experience, that was the REAL tragedy. The only job I got on my own was at Target. It was demeaning on some days. I saw no future there, obviously. Even the people in the higher positions had degrees in their line of work. I did not see myself in HR, but you better believe I applied to HR assistant positions before realizing that HR positions needed a HR degree. That blew me away. I could totally do that work, and I needed a degree for it. Ridiculous.

What are degrees worth?

In my job search, I came across three types of jobs:

  1. The job is something I can do in my sleep. The salary is just okay. Why did I not get an interview?
  2. The job matches my resume exactly. I am confident I can perform these skilled tasks. Then why did I not even get an interview?
  3. The job is advanced, but I am ready for the challenge. The fact that I got into a good school should help impress the employers and let them know that I would like the opportunity to even interview. Was I so unqualified that they laughed at the thought of giving me an interview?

In the job search I experienced, my degree is a pile of poop compared to someone with more experience. As a teen, I was never encouraged to get a job because my family had a mindset that when a teen gets a job, it means that the family is poor. (That is the only explanation I could find) Interesting thought, but being discouraged to get a job, even as a young adult did not help me.

Anyway, are degrees worth it? Yes and no. Depends on what you want and how bad you want it. (Bad cliché out of the way now) Not even that: any dummy can get a job. It takes insider information and exact know-how of what you want to achieve to help set a good course. Short-term or Long-term, you need to WANT something. That’s why coding schools exist. That’s why admin assistant schools exist. That’s why technical colleges exist. People need to know everything about what they are getting into… Even though these schools can be totally unnecessary and people should just learn on-the-job-experience. THEN WHY GET A FOUR-YEAR DEGREE IF YOU WANT TO JUST WANT TO BE AN ASSISTANT? Some things are better left unsaid to TV and our TV parents who told us to go to college or else.

College is awesome because you meet lifelong friends… But not always the best people to help get you a job after graduation.

True stuff. MOST of my BEST friends are from college. But personally, my future suffers. When you get into the workforce, it becomes harder to make friends. Do yourself a favor and know what avenue you want to go on, with various options, before you get yourself into this mess.

Resumes & Cover Letters: The Bane of My Existence

I recently spent a lot of money on a professional resume writer. It has yielded results. If you suck at resumes, then GO BUY A CUSTOMIZED ONE ASAP. Skip buying that vacation to Vegas. You would regret it if you did not try this the first time around. (Or better yet, if your school offers this for free. THEN DO IT. Don’t be an idiot.)

Things I thought of during the job search:

If you hate sales, but are desperate to get a job, you will still hate sales. I have never seen so many fake smiles in my life. Sales jobs are easy to come by due to everyone needing a salesman, but I would rather sell my soul to the devil before I sell knives or phone services door-to-door. (Personality thing of mine) Try it if you want. Who knows? You may even like it. It is a useful skill.

I have a strange name. I changed it for a while to see if my name was the problem with finding a job. It was not.

I still wonder if the fact that I am VERY overweight has anything to do with landing a job. I am still convinced it is…

Employers want the cheapest person to wear many of the important hats in a company. Small businesses are prone to this. Doesn’t make them bad, but it can make you feel sad, overwhelmed and underpaid in the long run.

Before you travel a long distance for a job opportunity, you may want to ask what the salary is before you get there or leave the “salary expectation” portion blank. Or else they will call you “overqualified” when they really mean, “You expensive. Get out.” You will drive away knowing that you wasted a day’s pay as well as your self-esteem and confidence in the job search/human decency with wither and die.
The words, “We will keep your resume on file for future job openings.” IS A PILE OF CRAP AND NO HUMAN BEING SHOULD SAY THIS TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.

When an interviewer asks, “You are not the most qualified person that we are currently interviewing, why should we hire you?” they should burn in hell. The first time I heard this, I thought of how much of my time has been wasted and that I hated the person for even asking me such an embarrassing question. This could have been a tactic of sorts, but it seems rude, no? Made me not want to work there with such horrible people. (Did I mention that I hate sales?)

May we contact your current employer? HOW do you answer this???? (The list of things school did not teach you…) First of all, I want to mention that when you DO land an interview, that you will be given “busywork.” This busywork is a form that you must fill out that is almost the exact thing you spent an hour online or more to fill out, but you must write it by hand. Do you know all your past business addresses by heart? Well, you should! As you should also know how to answer the dreaded question: May we contact this employer? I always said “yes” with the fear that the hiring manager would think I am hiding something. But then another fear was that my current employer would find out that I was looking for a job behind her back, which I feel like is a shitty move. BUT THAT IS WRONG. You are allowed to say NO. But maybe write down: “Only after job offer” or something like that. So that you can have time to tell your boss so it won’t be a shock. I looked this up online and it seemed clear enough. I had a whole breakdown one day after I researched this fact following a job interview. Fearing that my current boss would fire me for looking for a better opportunity behind her back and the hiring manager would hear some negative blind-sided things about me from my current boss who was about to lose a relatively good employee. WHO WINS IN THIS SITUATION? No one. The job seeker suffers. You are always the one to suffer. It is by design.

Don’t be the employer who calls you in for a second interview and says to your face that you will call back all applicants despite they got the job or not to give them an update on the position, but then don’t do it… That is hurtful. This crap deserves a run-on sentence.

About me sort of:

I am introverted 28yr old female from Southern California who is overweight, has a strange name and went to a great university. I was good at school, but afraid of life. Life is about being a nerd about something you like. Your inner nerd could literally be about anything. Depression sprouted in my most critical years of life. Depression is the absence of having passion, things that excite you. I gave up a lot that still affects me to this day. To the smart kids: If you notice that you can no longer keep up with your peers anymore – that you find the daily grind of competing with them in advanced classes a stressful chore, THEN GET OUT. (Reasonably- Like just do the regular classes, change schools, or make friends that you respect and who like the things you like) You will save yourself a lifetime of being passionless. Go get a fast food or retail job and find out what life really is like. That will give you the kick in the pants to never want to work there again and find something you really love doing. Don’t do something if it is just expected of you. Do something you like. There are 50 year-olds that go back to school and completely change their careers but you can do so much more exploring than you are capable of. You will sometimes find yourself in something completely different than what you imagined in the first place. You can do this by giving up the fake friends and the fake competing. You can be successful by your own right. Comparing yourself to others is a terrible thing to do, especially if you don’t even like the reason in the first place. There is a textbook way to do something wrong, but there is no recipe for success for each individual. You must create your own recipe. Success is relative to how you do something. Just going to Harvard will not get you a job. You might get in the door, but not permanently. That is the school of life.
So why don’t I follow my own advice?

I am under the impression that I have failed. I feel like I won’t feel that way until I land that full-time job. I just don’t know why. I don’t want the job hunt to conquer me. I want to conquer IT. But I am slowly realizing that with every passing day, that I need to go back to school. For what? I don’t know…

That is where I will end it.

Hobbies

In more recent years of my life, I have been asked if I have any hobbies. When someone asks me this question, I tell them hobbies I do once in a blue moon- hobbies I used to have before life showed me its ugly face. What I really love is watching TV. But I tell people that I like to read and write. It’s not completely false, but it makes me feel smart or like I am more interesting somehow. I do not have the best talent for writing, but I still do it. Same with reading. But if you were to show me a new show on TV, I will quickly critique why it is relevant and why. Comedy is my favorite subject, probably because of my history of being sad. (Lets play the world’s smallest violin)

Anyway, back to hobbies. You must have a hobby that you do often. It will not only help you master a skill and make you stand out but it will also cultivate the nerd in you to where you can speak fluently and passionately about something. A good example of this is the Ron Swanson character or the Leslie Knope character in Parks and Rec. I like these examples because they obviously love some things more than their current jobs. (There are more characters like this, but those are my favorite) A level of passion that I have yet to obtain. A level of passion necessary to their own happiness. You can have a boring job you don’t like, but as long as you have passion and a hobby, your life will still have meaning. If you are in finance but might not like it, you might be able to make the money necessary to doing expensive hobbies you enjoy in your free time. Is the trade off worth it? Can you really do something you love and get paid for it? Would either of these examples be completely worse than having a life where you hate every day at your job and have no hobbies to make you happy when you come home? Is it worth putting the time and effort in something (Such as years of school or a crappy starter job/internship) to get to a higher level where you like your job? What is worth it? What are you able to achieve in order to become happy? That’s why hobbies are important. Because you need to be able to make yourself happy as well as keep busy because doing nothing might not be healthy for you. You know what I mean. I don’t need to explain unhappiness to a smart human being. Don’t be the person who daydreams happiness. Just do it. Even if it is cheap and takes up a bunch of time.

 
To A Future Employer:

P.S. If you are an employer who is looking for someone who will give it her all, will smile every day, who isn’t a diva or a drama queen, who cares about the quality of her work, who is punctual (ALWAYS), who respects her peers, who works hard every day, who can deal with difficult people, who wants to be creative, who is motivated and systematic on completing all her tasks, who likes innovation, technology and taking risks, who is organized as hell, who just went through a rough patch from life- but has conquered it with style and and humility- then I am the woman for the job. I work hard. I am a team player. I am a leader-in-training. I have experience with all walks of life. I am personable on command. I like to do tasks quickly. I have a recognizable face and I am kind. I ask questions. I make mistakes but learn from them to prevent them from ever happening again. I am shy but have a funny, witty, caring personality when warmed up. Aren’t these the qualities you hiring employers are looking for? Why am I not already on your team? The content of the job is irrelevant. I am telling you that many jobs are on-the-job training anyway. You just have to be LIKED. So why is my personality not even considered? I am put in a room with someone who has the absolute power to just brush me off and say I am not qualified or fit for the job. How can that NOT make a human being looking for respectable, honest work act nervous? The introverts have lost this battle, haven’t they? I must have a big personality to sway your whim, is that it? Should I tell a dirty joke? Should I be clumsy and overly happy? Should I be loud and kiss your ass? Do I need to know someone special? What will it take to change my humble personality to get me hired?

What am I doing wrong?

A terrible question that all job-seekers ask.

Good luck out there homies… The job market is a cruel place. You have to continue forward until you are successful. I hope this article has helped you as it helped me…

Stat

A working mind can only deal with emotions in a particular way. Sadness comes through a thought that seems to not be able to sustain itself properly. At first, a babble or a whine seeps into the air. Second, a wave of waterworks seems to start, cutting an eyelid painfully. Thirdly, realization of acting like a child makes a person repeat the first two steps.

When a there is no promise. No way of a dream. No soothing words or lies… I only have dark thoughts.

~~~~~Over-Qualified~~~~~

It has been a while since I was able to get an interview. I spent a good chunk of time researching the company and studying on how to give interview responses. I was in the room for less than five-minutes before she told me that I was “overqualified.” That was a load of bull because she meant that I was too expensive. I am pretty sure she wanted a single person to do both Admin Assisting and Social Media crap for like $14/hr. I didn’t ask. I don’t think I wanted to ask how much she wanted for this job. I am supposed to be moving up and she seemed so big in her head that she was willing to waste my time. All the prep in trying to get this job- wasted. All the ideas on how to help this person increase her social media traffic- wasted. All the time I spent worrying if I was going to do great and at least feel like I had a chance at this job- wasted. The office was small and eerily quiet. The CEO seemed busy and concerned about herself. A dog ran out of her office and she practically yelled at me to not touch it because it was a rescue. My hand wasn’t even near this allergy machine. I guess employers don’t have any courtesy when it comes to people who travel a long distance, take their work day off just to travel somewhere to only be asked one question: How much do you want? And dismiss instead of telling the truth which is that they want someone to be cheap and do the most work………

Note to self: This learning experience has taught me that I should ask for how much the position is, if it is not listed online. I would prevent a whole day of lost wages, disappointment and lowered confidence.

Follow Your Guts: A Probiotic for Emotions

I am gonna have to make this decision. I am the one who has to do it.

I am ashamed of myself. While we were watching the Korean Drama, Black, I felt myself be annoying. I don’t know why. I LOATHED myself. But I continued to do the same thing over and over. I kept TALKING. I could not stop. The whole time, I felt this bad attitude come out of me. I mean, I was not bad bad, but I did not appreciate myself for my negativity. But I did not stop.

I have been told that I am too hard on myself. I have been told that I am very self-aware. I have been told that I can be negative.

All true?

This is how I currently view myself:

I am a woman/girl who has failed at finding a full-time job in life. I ruminate on all the bad things that happen to me. I prefer my privacy and cannot be in the company of some people for too long. I love television to the point that it has rotted my brain. I am not self-aware and I make mistakes often. I do things I feel like I should not be doing. I treat people poorly sometimes. I give my friends priority for my free time over my family. I am negative because I am trying to “see the truth.” I suspect that I am doing poorly at my current job but no one tells me so because they are either scared of me or feel sorry for me. I put up with my significant other when he tells me what I am doing wrong and take it very personally because I feel like no one has the guts to tell me I am doing something bad or wrong like he does. I have lost a great amount a weight this year with self-control and I view it as “too slow” or “I should have done this sooner because my body looks wreaked beyond natural repair now.” I am always gonna be the fat girl no matter what setting I am in. I feel very stupid and I am doing some things a stupid person with no morals would do. (Self-Fulfilling Prophecy, I guess) I am in denial of whether or not I need professional help, because in my past experience, no one helps me in the way I need help- They give me a sour face and tell me to go somewhere else or to figure it out on my own. I don’t see myself as ugly and I don’t see myself as beautiful- I feel anyone who accuses me of either adjective is wrong. I can’t go back to school because I will screw up and have to pay thousands for a degree that I end up not liking.  I am scared.

I hate this fear.

 

It is consuming me. I bury myself into a deeper, darker, more emo hole. I have not grown. I have not matured emotionally. I cannot succeed.

 

And yet, my instinctive solution is to run away.

I cannot run away. I will not change in this way. I need to fix the view of myself I already have or else I am doomed to just repeat my mistakes everywhere else I go in the future.

 

First things first, I need purpose. A purpose to live life.

I think that if I get a permanent, full-time job as an adult, that is a measurable count of success. Losing 50 pounds is a measurable count of success. Having daily conversations with people where I don’t feel like a complete idiot is a measurable count of success. Feeling like I know things and can teach them effectively is a measurable count of success. Knowing everything about my job and doing it with happiness is a measurable count of success. Not second-guessing myself in front of my significant other is a measurable count of success. Proudly thinking that my routines and contributions that I make every day is a measurable count of success. Being able to speak in an eloquent, clear way so that my speech and writing are positive is a measurable count of success. Persistence and not quitting so often is a measurable count of success.

What is worth it enough to where I can be happy? What will fill in all the gaps?

If I can do something that can change the course of the rest of my life in a positive way that should be the start of a successful future. They say that you need to be constantly uncomfortable when you are learning something new. But once that feeling is over, you get to be comfortable again. Comfort is not always a good thing.