My Life

Two-Weeks Notice & Life Lessons

I submitted my two weeks today for my second job.

I gathered myself and said that being unhappy was not gonna fly in 2018.

This year will be about self-healing. I cannot heal if I am unhappy every day.

I have proven that I am willing to change. But I know that I am no where NEAR where I need to be.

Where do I need to be? There is a willingness inside of me that has turned to stone over many many years. I need to chip away at the stone and find out all my potential.

I keep going back to the same place in my mind and I need to not go back anymore. I have always struggled with moving on. I keep finding myself living in the emotions of the past. The habit of the past. Not preventing them in any way. Not growing.

One of the things I learned in life is that if you don’t speak up, bad things will happen. If you don’t accept that government employees at the DMV have the right to be bad at their jobs and totally disrespect you, then it is okay to make a scene. I got what I needed that day despite their incompetence. If you see a baby lost and circling the front of a store, then it is okay to step in and take the kid to the front desk. If you forget a charge you made on a credit card or could have sworn that it was paid, then you can call up the company and have it fixed. If the car shop owner hangs up on you when you ask for the third time about a service that he was supposed to provide, but forgot, then it is okay to explore other avenues and get what you need done. That is knowing when the battle is over, but did not lose anything in the process.

Endless paperwork. Long days of a job that gives you exhaustion. Co-workers that don’t align to your standards of basic human concern. Friends that don’t ask about your life even though you were in their presence for two hours. New diet involving no carbs or sugar. New symptoms of a skin rash or a new color emerging on your body.

There will always be something. You just have to speak up.

Against my nature because I was trained to observe and not react. The current people around me don’t care about success, but they always complain about not having money. I don’t see any personal success in anyone other than a select few. I like knowing that those who strive for more in a positive way are around me. But those who complain, don’t do anything about anything and are constantly negative will be around me for a while.

I got off topic. Not having this job is scary financially. But it can also be an opportunity. Studying for the GRE. Writing. Exercise. Cooking. Those are my topic choices for the three-four hours of free time each day.

I want to live somewhere cold in the winter. I have decided this. Last time, I came back because I missed one of my friends. Now, I have a significant other to think about as well. But if I have to spend the summer boiling, that will make me unhappy. Watching TV and not doing anything else will make me unhappy. I would rather be the one to experience great things rather than watch someone on TV do it. I have seem different Travel Channel hosts travel to the same place, but I, myself have never gone.

I am trying. I know I have commentaries about people, but it all comes down to loneliness. I feel alone in my thoughts and ideas. There aren’t many people who want to be ambitious around me. There are no people who say, “Can I join you? I will do whatever it takes.” But instead there are people who say, “I can never do that! It’s not my thing.” I have dealt with this a lot. So much to the point where I give in and do what everyone else is doing.

I will try to treasure those who give a crap about me. Sometimes I give too much attention to those who don’t and I just hate life. I can’t help it. I will say that as you get older, that you care less about what other people think. Manoj Bhargava said it best when he said that he didn’t think anyone was doing anything right. People can only tell you the mistakes to be made but there really no formula to success. You watch people on Shark Tank only to see that the high tech product that they spent four-times their life-savings on is horrible. I want to apply this to other parts of my life as well. One of the reasons why Psychology did’t work out for me was the fact that there were people who you had to depend on for their emotions, money, accolades, respect. (The research field) And I know that if I see people who have made poor choices over and over again, that I would get depressed quickly. (The clinical field) There is skill involved for both, but the patience or butt-kissing would be too much. Something that I could not do. AND YET I tell myself, that I should still pursue it. JUST BECAUSE I hold a degree in it. I am confused.

Money is something I hate. School is too much. I would like to go back to school but I am scared about being as unmotivated and a bad procrastinator as last time. There was no vision. I was following the pack. The weakest link on several occasions. I don’t even want to go back to UCLA because I did myself a great injustice there. I am literally still paying the price.

I am trying to work up the courage to go back again. ONLY ONE person has ever taken interest in this. When I told her an idea I had, unbeknownst to me, she researched it and gave me a print out to help me. I was so touched. There has been encouragement to stick to my Keto diet, but there has been no encouragement to my future. There have only been, “You should go back if you want a better job,” with no sense of direction. Now that I see this, it sounds like I just want someone to do the work for me. But in truth, I just want someone to be interested.

Never trust a guidance counselor. They are not interested in you.

From what I learned, you just gotta hustle. You gotta get your head in and call people out. You have to ask a million questions to get the right responses from people. Some people change their minds midway or you simply cannot trust what they have to say. I cannot tell you the unimaginable pain it is to be on the phone and they have to redirect you so much that they redirect you back to the first person you talked to. That is an example of a modern-day battle. You gotta grow courage and get some balls. People don’t care about you, because they care about themselves first. The government won’t tell you about special programs that can help you because they don’t want you to use them. That’s life.

How messed up is that?

Anyway, I am gonna do it. I am gonna apply to school again I am going back to community college, I decided. I am gonna try this computer science thing that I wanted to do 10 years ago.

I can do it.

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10 Pounds Lighter & 23andMe

I got on the scale today. The official weekly weigh in has told me that I lost 10 pounds from when I first started Keto.

  • My feet feel better. Still some pain, but not “limp in pain to the bathroom every morning” bad.
  • I stopped snoring loudly when I sleep. Only one person has benefited so far from this. My throat also feels better in the morning.
  • I feel lighter.
  • My clothes feel looser. I think I went down a cup size because there is extra fabric on the sides of my bra.
  • My mind feels clearer. I am remembering things better. Small victories but I can still notice them.
  • I sometimes feel like jogging when I am out on walks. I don’t do it, but I like that I am mentally preparing myself for more exercise. Because I feel lighter, I know that it won’t impact my joints as badly. Also, since my feet have been feeling better, that has something to do with the confidence.
  • I don’t really have zits anymore. A nice surprise.
  • I no longer use Tums, something that was happening quite often last year.

It has been a nice journey so far. I have been tempted a few times, but I have been strong. I have had great people around me who have been encouraging and nice about my diet. Pretty much everyone knows. But it’s not like before where I was on the strictest of diets… I think this is different because it is not so bad. It’s not hard to stick to this diet. For instance, I can still go to all my favorite junky fast food restaurants and order something. I don’t do that, because I am cooking more, but if I wanted to I could do it. Meat and cheese is the best combo that I can eat and I do it a bunch.

I stopped wearing jeans because I could not bear to get a larger size. That was last year. I am gonna do my best to celebrate the small victories. I did not really celebrate this morning because I weighed myself later last week and the number was the same on the scale. But I am doing my best to stay positive! The mentality of “time flying” is getting me through the month. It has already been three weeks! That is an accomplishment!  Why am I not more excited? Maybe I am just still wanting the weight to come off sooner. I have to be patient. That has always been my weakness. I am that type of person. I wonder if that is something I can change in myself? It feels like the sense of urgency will never go away.

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I did the 23andMe genetic test! I JUST submitted it yesterday. I have been wanting to know more about my genetics for a LONG time. Mainly because I look like everything. I bought the ancestry and health test for a $100 during Cyber Monday. (Normally a $200 test) Now I shall wait the 6 to 8 weeks and get an email soon enough. I can’t wait!!! I want to tell my family everything as soon as I get it. I feel like they will be disappointed. But whatever! I will know what I am! And the health portion is also important too. I feel like I don’t know any health stuff in my family. That would be nice.

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I will be quitting my second job pretty soon. I decided that in order to get cheap health insurance, and peace of mind, I will quit the job I most dislike. I really want 2018 to be about self-healing and having calmness in myself. My second job makes me hate life. I will quit it and still be okay. I will also use the extra time to study for the GRE, take a class (free online, online or at a school), cook meals or workout.

I am going to be content this year. I am going to be ambitious this year. I am going to be motivated this year.

 

 

This Fear…

One of the things that I have dealt with in my life has always been fear.

Fear is a stupid word. It can completely overtake your life if you are not brave enough.

In today’s context, fear has to do with the unknown. The unknown of getting a new job that I can financially support myself on. The unknown of self-improvement. Can I do everything that I want to do?

My boyfriend has a nice point of view on life. GET A HOBBY. It can be the stupidest hobby in the world. You can spray paint googly eyes and glue them on T-shirts.* I did not encourage myself for hobbies. I used to have hobbies but I lost them. Sounds silly but it is not the physical items that were lost, but it was a result of a time in my life where having a hobby meant getting a lower grade on an exam. There was no time to do the stuff that I wanted to do. Over time, my hobby became procrastination and procrastination was watching TV.

So I have come to the dumbest conclusion ever: I am scared to find a hobby I like. In some ways having a hobby meant failure in my past.

I listen to a podcast called “How I Built This.” It’s about how entrepreneurs started their businesses up from an idea. Not all of them believed that their idea would be a big deal, but a good amount of them did. For some, it started off as a hobby. For others, they knew that their idea was going to be huge. My boyfriend has told me that one should not aspire to do something because they should, but because they want to- gives them happiness. Truly words of wisdom. But there is this part of me that doesn’t believe it. It wants to say, “How the hell is buying googly eyes, spray painting over them and sticking them on T-shirts is gonna make any money at all?! Don’t waste your time!” But the point is not to make money, but to be happy. Some day, I would like to be the boss of something. I would like to be a boss of a company or boss of a signature idea. I just want to leave something behind that people might enjoy or make people happy. Society does not appreciate all types of artistic visions. That is a very disheartening thing to hear. There will always be critics. There will always be people who say that you are an idiot. A nightmare indeed. My ideas WANT to be bigger than myself. They CRAVE to be bigger than myself. It is not a matter of doing something only for myself. My brain wants to do something for somebody and then get the recognition that it deserves for that same thing. Something that somebody said that I mattered in some way. It seems like a negative point of view doesn’t it? It doesn’t seem right. But that’s my unique brain.

So what does this all mean? If we go back to the idea of fear, it means that fear of failure is inevitable no matter what I do. But it matters WHY I do something. If I do it to be happy, then I will succeed. If I do it to gain recognition then I will fail. But how do I change my mind to get around all of this bullshit?

Unfortunately, it is a simple answer: Just do it and see what happens.

There are a million things that I can do in this world. The world will always say that I will not have enough experience on my resume, the world will tell me that my name is hard to pronounce, the world will tell me that I look unattractive and unhealthy, the world will tell me that I am not coherent or smart enough to understand many things, the world will break my heart in two – but as long as I am doing something that matters, with the utmost passion I can put into it, then I will have a place where I can live with no regrets, no sadness, no more failed New Year’s Resolutions and no more fear…

Look down and you will only see the ground. Look up and you will see the changing sky.

I want to look up.

 

*Example of a totally useless, totally unique hobby someone other than me might enjoy.

Everyone Is The Same

There is a feeling that I just felt. Pounds have been lifted. Pain still creeps the soles of both my feet.

For the first time in a long time, I am not the only one I know who feels this. I am not the only one on God’s blue planet that is not understood. I am not the only one who feels this. I saw the process that I go through while someone else was going through it. I do it too. It will be my secret.

I am going to quit my second job and focus on what I like. I listen to these go-getters and passionate people on NPR’s How I Built This podcast. What good is this life if I just hate my job? I don’t know where I can go but down with this idea. I am still young, I guess. I need to figure out what makes me happiest and just do that. Money is awesome, but unhappiness is not. What kind of person can I be if I just ignore my potential?

  • Writer
    • I could use a couple of classes and just start writing
  • App Developer
    • Need to get started asap with writing code
  • Video Editor
    • Gotta get started but need a more powerful laptop
  • Make-up Artist
    • Perhaps make this a part-time venture to pay for the other stuff

I think that’s it. Here is a list of things that I can just do one the side since I am still interested but cannot fully commit for whatever reason.

  • Antarctica expert
  • Amateur comic strip artist
  • Amateur rap artist/songwriter
  • Amateur game designer (if the app thing pans out)
  • Amateur filmmaker
  • Amateur screenwriter
  • Amateur bread maker

An Old World

So I moved back into my parents house.

Why?

So two major things could happen:

  1. I could save money. Rent is expensive! I have plans to save as much as I can before my next birthday. Why my birthday? I have no clue. It was an arbitrary point of saving money. About seven months away. My goal was to save a certain number of G’s by April, but after only a month of planning this, I have already saved almost half of that amount. I am now trying to figure out how to spend the excess money. I still have two loans from school and was thinking of paying the lesser one off for now and then work on the other over time. I am thinking of aggressively saving money for future schooling.
  2. Peace of mind over dealing with my roommate. I hate people like that. People who just live in the past and ignore the present and future. I think that there are a lot of people in this world who you really should not associate yourself with. I need people who want to better themselves, not people that just say they want to do grand things and then complain why they can’t. Like really complain. Good things happen if you try. And if you don’t try, even if the first step is saving money, and then complain why you cannot do it constantly, then why even care? I lived with a life-sucker. A downer. A slob. A loser. I don’t want to ever be like that person.

Living back at home will have some positive effects. One of them being less stress for now. I an in the process of shock from having so much stress to zero. It was a wild move-out weekend. Everything went from being, “Will they sign the lease? What if they don’t? What happens when this loser won’t pay all the rent?” to “I just need to buy a bed sheet. I have no utilities. I have no shitty roommate. I dunno what to do now…” I am dealing with this slowly.

The takeaway is that everything will be okay now.

Doing The Minimalism Thing In A Boss Way

I am about to do something that only a few months ago I was not going to do. I am so sad but yet grateful that I feel better about it now. I know there is a person who says no. I know that there are freedoms that will be cut. But I figured that the good will outweigh the bad somehow.

First things first: MINIMIZE MY LIFE

I MUST give away my stuff. I don’t need books that I will never read. I don’t need clothes that don’t fit me anymore nor have ever fit me. I don’t need a backup that I will never use. I don’t need expensive perfume that I will never use. I don’t need things that are old and gross. I don’t need sentimental items that I have never even wanted. I just need to minimize my life. I need a bookshelf of only my most favorite books. Not books that I was told to read.

I just want to be happier with less. Less stuff to worry about. Less stress. Less sleepless nights. Less tiredness. Less physical weight. Less arguing. Less meaning to do something but don’t. Less people that don’t improve my life.

I also want this move to be beneficial for my family relationships. I always want it but never implement anything. I need to be the boss of my own life.

Less TRASH- in thought and feeling.

Wish me luck.

How Do You Know?

I still type at 38WPM but I tell people that it’s 45.

I am at work and I hate it. Is it because I am in an office and goofing off all day? Does the internet and a computer do that to me? Yes. I like goofing off because I don’t like work.

I think that I have to face the facts. I don’t know who I am and that my second job is making me a bitter person. I am much much more rude now. I dunno how it is possible to be this rude, but I found it. I am pretend nice and I think people now know that about me. I can see it in their body language. My co-workers just don’t like me. I think it may be because I don’t like them. Probably. They are good people, but it wan’t all my fault.

I need to leave. I am getting that same feeling that I had when I left and moved to Colorado. I need to go somewhere else.

My brain cannot work under this heated pressure. It never has been able to. The summer is hard. Although I am indoors, I always feel outdoors. Overheated, irritated, unable to concentrate…

If this 110 degree weather is not bad enough, my jobs are making me hate life. I am starting to just hate people. I even take it out on my boyfriend sometimes… I wonder if he knows… I hate people because they are either at a sucky job but have a great social life OR they have a bad social life but have a good job. I REALLY hate people who have it all.

I cannot think straight.

I just know that everything I am doing is wrong and I need to start feeling right.

This heat is unbearable.

This Day & On…

I had the most productive weekend I have had in a long time. The most important of which was me cleaning and organizing my stuff. Just settling into my apartment. I also wrote in my journal which was also long overdue. Another important task was getting a lot of stuff out of my computer and putting it into an external hard drive. I have been meaning to do that since 2015. Oops. Better late than never.

What’s important about me cleaning up my laptop is that it can run faster now. With all the crap outta it, I can use it to start my coding. I am starting to get serious about it. I know the path I am going to take. I am going to learn on my own through one website. Period. It will be a good indicator if this is what I want for my future. The industry is booming, why not expand with it? I will get a new laptop down the road, but it won’t be for a while as I have a lot of expenses to take care of. (I spent $300 this weekend on essentials for my car and undergarments… ugh…) It’s okay though. I have faith that I will catch up sooner or later. Maybe in three months…

But back to the coding. I am going to take it seriously. I am going to take all my interests seriously from now on. I have the support. I have the motivation. I have a lot of stuff. I really don’t need to be spending any money on anything as I have already horded everything that I would ever need.

I am going to Vegas this weekend. I am excited. My boyfriend and I are celebrating our one year together. Vegas doesn’t really describe us as a couple, but we sure as hell like doing strange things together.

I want to simplify. I have too much stuff in my life. Mainly clothes and books. I don’t ever lose enough weight to want to wear the clothes that I can no longer fit. I think I should give it up and just donate them. I want a small closet. A modest space.

 

Distracted

I cannot focus on my job today. I spent most of the day goofing off on a game on my phone. Even now, I am currently wasting company time writing. I don’t mind. I guess I am having an anti-self-regulatory day. I am cool with it. I got work to do but I can’t find the motivation in order to do it. I guess I am feeling passion for other things. The game I am playing on my phone is fun. It’s a puzzle I want to solve over and over again. I may be slow, but I am happy when I get that accomplished goal.

The other day I was thinking. Thinking about my future for the first time in a long time. Due to my current change in living arrangements, I have been feeling better. I was thinking that I was wasting my time as the Social Worker in an Adult Day Care… I am underpaid, tired and don’t love the work. And I really don’t like my second job as a Behavioral Tech even though I get paid more, but have less hours. I dread that job more because I have to deal with difficult kids.

A part of me thinks that I am just not suited to take care of people. To order them around and make them do things I would hate doing if someone told me. I guess… I just want freedom in my work. Freedom of expression and being as precise as possible. One of the reasons why I couldn’t do Psych anymore was because I started to hate people more and more. I didn’t like interacting with them, I didn’t like giving them advice and I didn’t like talking them through sadness. Even the research part was almost repulsive after graduation. It was like I had to schmooze my way to the top. I hate schmoozing. I loathe the idea of being an open person all the time and being kind to people who I hate or who were full of themselves. I feel like the world is changing when it comes to that though. I hear stories of people coming together and making something amazing and who are happy doing it. I like to be a part making amazing stuff, but my kind of stuff. I would need to change how a machine operates in order for me to work with it. Sometimes you are not allowed to do that. Sometimes you just have to deal with people who don’t share your vision, your voice, your process or your fucking texting habits. (Excuse the F-bomb but I am sick of people having horrible texting vocab, mean comments or rude timing)

I don’t wish for people to be like me. I like thinking the way I think sometimes. I wish I was sharper and had a bigger vocabulary but I think I am doing fine.

Take that test. Because you knew how to take our test you are one of us. (load of bulllll)

I don’t know what being smart is. I have never known. I think that some people are smarter than others, but in certain settings. There are dense people and their are open people. I can be dense and I can be open. It’s like a valve I cannot control. It’s just a mind game that my brain likes to play with me. Past experience says you shouldn’t do this: I do it anyway. Future notice!: You should’ve read the instructions beforehand so that will never happen again!: I will not read the instructions if I don’t want to. See? My brain is “special.”

So in conclusion and going back to what I was writing in the beginning. I may start a career in Tech. No people to take care of, but management skills are something I am open to working more on. (As long as I don’t see any crazy people)

P.S. If ending with a preposition is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

Bathroom

I woke up in my new room, just feeling groggy. I have become sick since the move. My voice is crackling, my neck is swollen and I feel tired. Being sick is not very fun and not a very good start to my new place. I am getting used to being spoiled with my own bathroom. I keep thinking, is this ALL for me? I had my own bathroom in my room before for many years. I forgot how much I enjoy it. The fact that you don’t need to put on a decent outfit to go to the bathroom is awesome. It’s all yours. Right there. I am still getting back to my old routine. Wake up, shower, brush teeth, mouth wash, wash face, put on creams and lotions, maybe makeup, dress, eat and leave. I am forgetting some steps or don’t feel like doing it. This is going to take a while.