I am about to do something that only a few months ago I was not going to do. I am so sad but yet grateful that I feel better about it now. I know there is a person who says no. I know that there are freedoms that will be cut. But I figured that the good will outweigh the bad somehow.
First things first: MINIMIZE MY LIFE
I MUST give away my stuff. I don’t need books that I will never read. I don’t need clothes that don’t fit me anymore nor have ever fit me. I don’t need a backup that I will never use. I don’t need expensive perfume that I will never use. I don’t need things that are old and gross. I don’t need sentimental items that I have never even wanted. I just need to minimize my life. I need a bookshelf of only my most favorite books. Not books that I was told to read.
I just want to be happier with less. Less stuff to worry about. Less stress. Less sleepless nights. Less tiredness. Less physical weight. Less arguing. Less meaning to do something but don’t. Less people that don’t improve my life.
I also want this move to be beneficial for my family relationships. I always want it but never implement anything. I need to be the boss of my own life.
I still type at 38WPM but I tell people that it’s 45.
I am at work and I hate it. Is it because I am in an office and goofing off all day? Does the internet and a computer do that to me? Yes. I like goofing off because I don’t like work.
I think that I have to face the facts. I don’t know who I am and that my second job is making me a bitter person. I am much much more rude now. I dunno how it is possible to be this rude, but I found it. I am pretend nice and I think people now know that about me. I can see it in their body language. My co-workers just don’t like me. I think it may be because I don’t like them. Probably. They are good people, but it wan’t all my fault.
I need to leave. I am getting that same feeling that I had when I left and moved to Colorado. I need to go somewhere else.
My brain cannot work under this heated pressure. It never has been able to. The summer is hard. Although I am indoors, I always feel outdoors. Overheated, irritated, unable to concentrate…
If this 110 degree weather is not bad enough, my jobs are making me hate life. I am starting to just hate people. I even take it out on my boyfriend sometimes… I wonder if he knows… I hate people because they are either at a sucky job but have a great social life OR they have a bad social life but have a good job. I REALLY hate people who have it all.
I cannot think straight.
I just know that everything I am doing is wrong and I need to start feeling right.
I had the most productive weekend I have had in a long time. The most important of which was me cleaning and organizing my stuff. Just settling into my apartment. I also wrote in my journal which was also long overdue. Another important task was getting a lot of stuff out of my computer and putting it into an external hard drive. I have been meaning to do that since 2015. Oops. Better late than never.
What’s important about me cleaning up my laptop is that it can run faster now. With all the crap outta it, I can use it to start my coding. I am starting to get serious about it. I know the path I am going to take. I am going to learn on my own through one website. Period. It will be a good indicator if this is what I want for my future. The industry is booming, why not expand with it? I will get a new laptop down the road, but it won’t be for a while as I have a lot of expenses to take care of. (I spent $300 this weekend on essentials for my car and undergarments… ugh…) It’s okay though. I have faith that I will catch up sooner or later. Maybe in three months…
But back to the coding. I am going to take it seriously. I am going to take all my interests seriously from now on. I have the support. I have the motivation. I have a lot of stuff. I really don’t need to be spending any money on anything as I have already horded everything that I would ever need.
I am going to Vegas this weekend. I am excited. My boyfriend and I are celebrating our one year together. Vegas doesn’t really describe us as a couple, but we sure as hell like doing strange things together.
I want to simplify. I have too much stuff in my life. Mainly clothes and books. I don’t ever lose enough weight to want to wear the clothes that I can no longer fit. I think I should give it up and just donate them. I want a small closet. A modest space.
I cannot focus on my job today. I spent most of the day goofing off on a game on my phone. Even now, I am currently wasting company time writing. I don’t mind. I guess I am having an anti-self-regulatory day. I am cool with it. I got work to do but I can’t find the motivation in order to do it. I guess I am feeling passion for other things. The game I am playing on my phone is fun. It’s a puzzle I want to solve over and over again. I may be slow, but I am happy when I get that accomplished goal.
The other day I was thinking. Thinking about my future for the first time in a long time. Due to my current change in living arrangements, I have been feeling better. I was thinking that I was wasting my time as the Social Worker in an Adult Day Care… I am underpaid, tired and don’t love the work. And I really don’t like my second job as a Behavioral Tech even though I get paid more, but have less hours. I dread that job more because I have to deal with difficult kids.
A part of me thinks that I am just not suited to take care of people. To order them around and make them do things I would hate doing if someone told me. I guess… I just want freedom in my work. Freedom of expression and being as precise as possible. One of the reasons why I couldn’t do Psych anymore was because I started to hate people more and more. I didn’t like interacting with them, I didn’t like giving them advice and I didn’t like talking them through sadness. Even the research part was almost repulsive after graduation. It was like I had to schmooze my way to the top. I hate schmoozing. I loathe the idea of being an open person all the time and being kind to people who I hate or who were full of themselves. I feel like the world is changing when it comes to that though. I hear stories of people coming together and making something amazing and who are happy doing it. I like to be a part making amazing stuff, but my kind of stuff. I would need to change how a machine operates in order for me to work with it. Sometimes you are not allowed to do that. Sometimes you just have to deal with people who don’t share your vision, your voice, your process or your fucking texting habits. (Excuse the F-bomb but I am sick of people having horrible texting vocab, mean comments or rude timing)
I don’t wish for people to be like me. I like thinking the way I think sometimes. I wish I was sharper and had a bigger vocabulary but I think I am doing fine.
Take that test. Because you knew how to take our test you are one of us. (load of bulllll)
I don’t know what being smart is. I have never known. I think that some people are smarter than others, but in certain settings. There are dense people and their are open people. I can be dense and I can be open. It’s like a valve I cannot control. It’s just a mind game that my brain likes to play with me. Past experience says you shouldn’t do this: I do it anyway. Future notice!: You should’ve read the instructions beforehand so that will never happen again!: I will not read the instructions if I don’t want to. See? My brain is “special.”
So in conclusion and going back to what I was writing in the beginning. I may start a career in Tech. No people to take care of, but management skills are something I am open to working more on. (As long as I don’t see any crazy people)
P.S. If ending with a preposition is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.
I woke up in my new room, just feeling groggy. I have become sick since the move. My voice is crackling, my neck is swollen and I feel tired. Being sick is not very fun and not a very good start to my new place. I am getting used to being spoiled with my own bathroom. I keep thinking, is this ALL for me? I had my own bathroom in my room before for many years. I forgot how much I enjoy it. The fact that you don’t need to put on a decent outfit to go to the bathroom is awesome. It’s all yours. Right there. I am still getting back to my old routine. Wake up, shower, brush teeth, mouth wash, wash face, put on creams and lotions, maybe makeup, dress, eat and leave. I am forgetting some steps or don’t feel like doing it. This is going to take a while.
I moved into my new apartment this Saturday. The first night, I couldn’t sleep. It was too warm. But I spent most of my Sunday vegging out just in my own place. It was nice. I have a good feeling about this. I have a great view of a pine tree from my window. I see it move into the roof of the kitchen and away from the roof when the wind is high. I should probably get renter’s insurance. Either way, I am happy about it. I love the view. I hear people’s conversations because I am so close to the parking lot. I don’t mind. The fact that I am on the second story just makes me feel safe. I can open my window at night and just leave it open.
I feel safe for the first time in three months. I went into my bathroom (which is connected to my room) and it felt good. On my face, I actually put on lotion AND sunscreen. I haven’t done that in months because I kept leaving one or the other in my unattached room. I miss these little things. I took a shower without feeling rushed or grossed out that there was some disgusting disease harbored by one of the tenants. I feel safe. I would like to have a lock on my door, but that will come later. I FEEL like I can actually focus on myself. The silence of the complex makes me feel like I can THINK again.
This is the first step into getting my mind working again.
Again, I am at work. I sit here writing when I should be working. I am just trying to mentally prepare myself for the weekend. I will get $1200 from my checking account and give it to some lady in exchange for an apartment. This will perhaps be the largest exchange of money I have paid for rent at one time. My apartment mate currently can only afford $200 (out of $600) at the moment. But I have hopes that this will change since he is getting more hours at work anyway. I think he is grateful that I am helping him out and being patient with him while he gets his life figured out. I really really am taking a gamble here and I remind him constantly. I dunno what he is thinking. Probably, “Damn. I am gonna give her all the money in my account and I will barely have money for food. And she STILL doesn’t trust me?” Probably that. I know I would. But he isn’t me. I didn’t lose my significant other to a stupid booze thing. I have my own reservations about their relationship. And there are times where I wonder why we are friends at all due to her inconsistencies. But whatever. I am a loyal person. That’s just who I am. But I feel like this guy that I am about to live with has just had some really shitty friends and girlfriends. The stories are mostly of people blowing him off even though he just wants to hang out with them. Is he needy? Maybe. Is he annoying. A little. But all I know is that I am gonna tell it like it is with him. I guess he deserves that much. I can tell he is a loyal person too. We have a bit in common so it won’t suck as much. I am really really trying to look for the good in all this. I think it is possible to cohabitate with this person. Again, I just hope all will be well. If this is my way to freedom, then I will take it. Doesn’t seem so bad…
So I am doing it. I am finally moving out of the horrible house. I am gonna move in with someone who I just know is a good person. That’s all. My boyfriend is okay with it. His Ex is okay with it and I can finally have peace of mind. I just worry about financial reasons since he does not make enough money and is still dealing with his recent breakup. I am giving him an ear from time-to-time. I talked to him last night and he is one of those people where no one gives him an explanation about why they don’t want to hang out with him. Kinda sad. I told him that I would do my best to explain things to him and that I don’t go back on my word when I make plans unless there is an emergency. I am managing his finances from now on and I don’t mind. As long as he pays me back, I am happy. He needs to grow and work. I need to work and grow. Perfect timing for a couple of people that do not like where they live. But it is a means to a future for me. I am not so sure what it is for him. Probably sanity. Probably not. All I know is that I will stay in my room and hang out with my thoughts without the screaming keeping my stressed. I will have a safe place. I have the exclusive access to someone else’s money. I will have my own bathroom… with a tub… I will finally de-stress and use bath bombs again… I will finally shower more frequently. I will live farther from work, but that’s just what needs to happen. We live closer to his work (Since he has no car) in exchange for a nice place to live. I am okay with that.
I miss my boyfriend. He has been in Taiwan and will be coming back shortly. I have already heard some of his stories when he has had wifi and we Google Hangout the conversations. I wonder if he feels worries about my new situation. I think I have explained it thoroughly enough that I only want him and that this is just gonna be my situation temporarily. I am happy that he trusts me. Because that other guy is TOTALLY not my type and I am happy that he understands that.
Do I like you? Do I know you? Do you know me? Do you like me? Do you know how I have been? I have been upset lately with the things I cannot control. I hate taxes. I hate rent. I hate that I don’t like my jobs. I hate everything it seems. When I come towards you, I don’t want to hate some more. I want to be happy. But happiness is only what you make it. Can I be sure that I will be taken care of? I don’t know. I just need to take care of myself and I cannot do so if I am in a cycle of sadness and constant stress. Stress is making me a different person and I can feel it changing me. A monster with a cape over its head. I am so stressed that I just want to go home and relax. But it doesn’t seem likely. I am so stressed that I have been apologizing for it all the time. I am so stressed, I can only think of my needs and that makes me more stressed when I forget to call someone or something. I just need you more than you can ever imagine. I want you here. I want you with me. I want to know that I am not going to be stressed forever. That I am not going to be the mama with the cash forever. I want to know if you know why I do what I do. If that is why I am the way I am. Understanding me is understanding my stress. Understanding my stress is understanding how to help me. Yes. It is just that difficult. Please don’t make it look easy. It just makes me more stressed.
I am thinking of moving in with someone I don’t really care for. My friend’s ex-boyfriend. Why? Because we both need an apartment because the landlady at my current house is a psycho. My friend (His Ex) is 100% okay with this. I don’t want to get close to this guy. He seems needy ever since the recent break-up, and albeit, very lonely. I need to find out if my boyfriend is okay with this. I have my reservations, but they are mostly monetary and car-related. I don’t want him to think that I am into him or anything. In fact, just the opposite. I just want out of this horrible house. I would rather get my own place, but I know that it would be more expensive, small, lonely and kinda scary. I feel like it should be cheaper for a one-room apartment or at least a studio in this town. With this guy, I can lock myself in my room. It would have its own bath!!! I wouldn’t have to share. I am worried. I just want my own space without the worry. Without the fear. Without the inconsiderate management that I have to talk to every day. If I ask, “How was your day?” she would respond, “Not so good.” I ask every day. What am I supposed to do with a response like that? I have tried everything to console her. But she runs herself in these circles of anger and despair and violence. She is starting to become passive aggressive which is the worst kind. I am a model tenant. At least treat me better than the convict… Sorry I have a life. Sorry I have two jobs. Sorry I have some money. Sorry you suck and are entitled, you crazy bitch. Act your age. Be the reasonable, responsible one. I hate always having to be that person. It’s stressful. I know that she would never change. I know that. I need to leave. Cheap rent isn’t worth this much anguish.
To be an incompetent person is a very unnatural thing. Are we born to be a Homer Simpson or a Lisa Simpson? Should we be as ignorant as we can or should we just know the heavy truths about the realities of this world? The phrase, “ignorance is bliss” has been true to me on many occasions. Not knowing what mean things people say about you in another language saves you from hating them. Less hate is bliss. Not knowing how to help an angry person or child and just pawning them off to someone else saves you the trouble of stress. Less stress is bliss. Not knowing the horrible things the world shows every night on the news saves you the terrors of senseless inhumanity and sadness for others. Less sadness is bliss. Not knowing how to correctly do a task – any task- saves you the mental anguish of panic and self-hate. Less self-hate is bliss. So why ever do anything if there is someone who can perform it better than you? Why should they teach your feeble, television-rotted brain anything if you are just going to make a mistake anyway? How important is your job, your family, your social status and the world you live in if they are all disappointing and demanding to your mental health and emotional well-being and they will all just disappoint you anyway? — These are all questions that can’t be answered directly. Ignorance is bliss until you start to harm the lives of those around you. You slack and then suddenly the world falls apart. The pursuit of perfection is non-existent. Should you be allowed to slip up? Is there room to fail? I say that there should be room to be a dumbass. I don’t believe in excuses, but I do believe in informing someone what went wrong with you. Don’t live your life like a Korean drama and just stand there and take abuse. You should stand up and argue- be strong and show others that you are learning, being better at something. Don’t expect me to be perfect. Don’t expect me to worship the ground you walk on when you made plenty of mistakes yourself. Just be with me… listen to my opinions and smile at me every so often. Just let me know that your presence is a human one so that I can do away with the bliss of ignorance and throw myself out there and be a risk taker. If I have to write a manual about my duties and exceptions, then tell me to don’t just go on about how I should just remember. Or better yet, hand me one that you made yourself- if you even did. Pretending to be better than me will not help. Pretending that I do not exist after a while just hurts me. It will make me ignore myself, my work and, ultimately, those around me. I am here. I will not sit idly by while you make me feel like the lesser. I try but at my own pace. You can’t expect me to treat strangers like family so easily when I barely know my own family. I am new to this place. Your easy-going world of work and play. I am sensitive and quiet. I am introverted and mysterious. But if you take my smile away, I will become a robot.