There is a feeling that I just felt. Pounds have been lifted. Pain still creeps the soles of both my feet.
For the first time in a long time, I am not the only one I know who feels this. I am not the only one on God’s blue planet that is not understood. I am not the only one who feels this. I saw the process that I go through while someone else was going through it. I do it too. It will be my secret.
I am going to quit my second job and focus on what I like. I listen to these go-getters and passionate people on NPR’s How I Built This podcast. What good is this life if I just hate my job? I don’t know where I can go but down with this idea. I am still young, I guess. I need to figure out what makes me happiest and just do that. Money is awesome, but unhappiness is not. What kind of person can I be if I just ignore my potential?
I could use a couple of classes and just start writing
Need to get started asap with writing code
Gotta get started but need a more powerful laptop
Perhaps make this a part-time venture to pay for the other stuff
I think that’s it. Here is a list of things that I can just do one the side since I am still interested but cannot fully commit for whatever reason.
I could save money. Rent is expensive! I have plans to save as much as I can before my next birthday. Why my birthday? I have no clue. It was an arbitrary point of saving money. About seven months away. My goal was to save a certain number of G’s by April, but after only a month of planning this, I have already saved almost half of that amount. I am now trying to figure out how to spend the excess money. I still have two loans from school and was thinking of paying the lesser one off for now and then work on the other over time. I am thinking of aggressively saving money for future schooling.
Peace of mind over dealing with my roommate. I hate people like that. People who just live in the past and ignore the present and future. I think that there are a lot of people in this world who you really should not associate yourself with. I need people who want to better themselves, not people that just say they want to do grand things and then complain why they can’t. Like really complain. Good things happen if you try. And if you don’t try, even if the first step is saving money, and then complain why you cannot do it constantly, then why even care? I lived with a life-sucker. A downer. A slob. A loser. I don’t want to ever be like that person.
Living back at home will have some positive effects. One of them being less stress for now. I an in the process of shock from having so much stress to zero. It was a wild move-out weekend. Everything went from being, “Will they sign the lease? What if they don’t? What happens when this loser won’t pay all the rent?” to “I just need to buy a bed sheet. I have no utilities. I have no shitty roommate. I dunno what to do now…” I am dealing with this slowly.
I am about to do something that only a few months ago I was not going to do. I am so sad but yet grateful that I feel better about it now. I know there is a person who says no. I know that there are freedoms that will be cut. But I figured that the good will outweigh the bad somehow.
First things first: MINIMIZE MY LIFE
I MUST give away my stuff. I don’t need books that I will never read. I don’t need clothes that don’t fit me anymore nor have ever fit me. I don’t need a backup that I will never use. I don’t need expensive perfume that I will never use. I don’t need things that are old and gross. I don’t need sentimental items that I have never even wanted. I just need to minimize my life. I need a bookshelf of only my most favorite books. Not books that I was told to read.
I just want to be happier with less. Less stuff to worry about. Less stress. Less sleepless nights. Less tiredness. Less physical weight. Less arguing. Less meaning to do something but don’t. Less people that don’t improve my life.
I also want this move to be beneficial for my family relationships. I always want it but never implement anything. I need to be the boss of my own life.
I still type at 38WPM but I tell people that it’s 45.
I am at work and I hate it. Is it because I am in an office and goofing off all day? Does the internet and a computer do that to me? Yes. I like goofing off because I don’t like work.
I think that I have to face the facts. I don’t know who I am and that my second job is making me a bitter person. I am much much more rude now. I dunno how it is possible to be this rude, but I found it. I am pretend nice and I think people now know that about me. I can see it in their body language. My co-workers just don’t like me. I think it may be because I don’t like them. Probably. They are good people, but it wan’t all my fault.
I need to leave. I am getting that same feeling that I had when I left and moved to Colorado. I need to go somewhere else.
My brain cannot work under this heated pressure. It never has been able to. The summer is hard. Although I am indoors, I always feel outdoors. Overheated, irritated, unable to concentrate…
If this 110 degree weather is not bad enough, my jobs are making me hate life. I am starting to just hate people. I even take it out on my boyfriend sometimes… I wonder if he knows… I hate people because they are either at a sucky job but have a great social life OR they have a bad social life but have a good job. I REALLY hate people who have it all.
I cannot think straight.
I just know that everything I am doing is wrong and I need to start feeling right.
I had the most productive weekend I have had in a long time. The most important of which was me cleaning and organizing my stuff. Just settling into my apartment. I also wrote in my journal which was also long overdue. Another important task was getting a lot of stuff out of my computer and putting it into an external hard drive. I have been meaning to do that since 2015. Oops. Better late than never.
What’s important about me cleaning up my laptop is that it can run faster now. With all the crap outta it, I can use it to start my coding. I am starting to get serious about it. I know the path I am going to take. I am going to learn on my own through one website. Period. It will be a good indicator if this is what I want for my future. The industry is booming, why not expand with it? I will get a new laptop down the road, but it won’t be for a while as I have a lot of expenses to take care of. (I spent $300 this weekend on essentials for my car and undergarments… ugh…) It’s okay though. I have faith that I will catch up sooner or later. Maybe in three months…
But back to the coding. I am going to take it seriously. I am going to take all my interests seriously from now on. I have the support. I have the motivation. I have a lot of stuff. I really don’t need to be spending any money on anything as I have already horded everything that I would ever need.
I am going to Vegas this weekend. I am excited. My boyfriend and I are celebrating our one year together. Vegas doesn’t really describe us as a couple, but we sure as hell like doing strange things together.
I want to simplify. I have too much stuff in my life. Mainly clothes and books. I don’t ever lose enough weight to want to wear the clothes that I can no longer fit. I think I should give it up and just donate them. I want a small closet. A modest space.
I cannot focus on my job today. I spent most of the day goofing off on a game on my phone. Even now, I am currently wasting company time writing. I don’t mind. I guess I am having an anti-self-regulatory day. I am cool with it. I got work to do but I can’t find the motivation in order to do it. I guess I am feeling passion for other things. The game I am playing on my phone is fun. It’s a puzzle I want to solve over and over again. I may be slow, but I am happy when I get that accomplished goal.
The other day I was thinking. Thinking about my future for the first time in a long time. Due to my current change in living arrangements, I have been feeling better. I was thinking that I was wasting my time as the Social Worker in an Adult Day Care… I am underpaid, tired and don’t love the work. And I really don’t like my second job as a Behavioral Tech even though I get paid more, but have less hours. I dread that job more because I have to deal with difficult kids.
A part of me thinks that I am just not suited to take care of people. To order them around and make them do things I would hate doing if someone told me. I guess… I just want freedom in my work. Freedom of expression and being as precise as possible. One of the reasons why I couldn’t do Psych anymore was because I started to hate people more and more. I didn’t like interacting with them, I didn’t like giving them advice and I didn’t like talking them through sadness. Even the research part was almost repulsive after graduation. It was like I had to schmooze my way to the top. I hate schmoozing. I loathe the idea of being an open person all the time and being kind to people who I hate or who were full of themselves. I feel like the world is changing when it comes to that though. I hear stories of people coming together and making something amazing and who are happy doing it. I like to be a part making amazing stuff, but my kind of stuff. I would need to change how a machine operates in order for me to work with it. Sometimes you are not allowed to do that. Sometimes you just have to deal with people who don’t share your vision, your voice, your process or your fucking texting habits. (Excuse the F-bomb but I am sick of people having horrible texting vocab, mean comments or rude timing)
I don’t wish for people to be like me. I like thinking the way I think sometimes. I wish I was sharper and had a bigger vocabulary but I think I am doing fine.
Take that test. Because you knew how to take our test you are one of us. (load of bulllll)
I don’t know what being smart is. I have never known. I think that some people are smarter than others, but in certain settings. There are dense people and their are open people. I can be dense and I can be open. It’s like a valve I cannot control. It’s just a mind game that my brain likes to play with me. Past experience says you shouldn’t do this: I do it anyway. Future notice!: You should’ve read the instructions beforehand so that will never happen again!: I will not read the instructions if I don’t want to. See? My brain is “special.”
So in conclusion and going back to what I was writing in the beginning. I may start a career in Tech. No people to take care of, but management skills are something I am open to working more on. (As long as I don’t see any crazy people)
P.S. If ending with a preposition is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.
I woke up in my new room, just feeling groggy. I have become sick since the move. My voice is crackling, my neck is swollen and I feel tired. Being sick is not very fun and not a very good start to my new place. I am getting used to being spoiled with my own bathroom. I keep thinking, is this ALL for me? I had my own bathroom in my room before for many years. I forgot how much I enjoy it. The fact that you don’t need to put on a decent outfit to go to the bathroom is awesome. It’s all yours. Right there. I am still getting back to my old routine. Wake up, shower, brush teeth, mouth wash, wash face, put on creams and lotions, maybe makeup, dress, eat and leave. I am forgetting some steps or don’t feel like doing it. This is going to take a while.
I moved into my new apartment this Saturday. The first night, I couldn’t sleep. It was too warm. But I spent most of my Sunday vegging out just in my own place. It was nice. I have a good feeling about this. I have a great view of a pine tree from my window. I see it move into the roof of the kitchen and away from the roof when the wind is high. I should probably get renter’s insurance. Either way, I am happy about it. I love the view. I hear people’s conversations because I am so close to the parking lot. I don’t mind. The fact that I am on the second story just makes me feel safe. I can open my window at night and just leave it open.
I feel safe for the first time in three months. I went into my bathroom (which is connected to my room) and it felt good. On my face, I actually put on lotion AND sunscreen. I haven’t done that in months because I kept leaving one or the other in my unattached room. I miss these little things. I took a shower without feeling rushed or grossed out that there was some disgusting disease harbored by one of the tenants. I feel safe. I would like to have a lock on my door, but that will come later. I FEEL like I can actually focus on myself. The silence of the complex makes me feel like I can THINK again.
This is the first step into getting my mind working again.
Again, I am at work. I sit here writing when I should be working. I am just trying to mentally prepare myself for the weekend. I will get $1200 from my checking account and give it to some lady in exchange for an apartment. This will perhaps be the largest exchange of money I have paid for rent at one time. My apartment mate currently can only afford $200 (out of $600) at the moment. But I have hopes that this will change since he is getting more hours at work anyway. I think he is grateful that I am helping him out and being patient with him while he gets his life figured out. I really really am taking a gamble here and I remind him constantly. I dunno what he is thinking. Probably, “Damn. I am gonna give her all the money in my account and I will barely have money for food. And she STILL doesn’t trust me?” Probably that. I know I would. But he isn’t me. I didn’t lose my significant other to a stupid booze thing. I have my own reservations about their relationship. And there are times where I wonder why we are friends at all due to her inconsistencies. But whatever. I am a loyal person. That’s just who I am. But I feel like this guy that I am about to live with has just had some really shitty friends and girlfriends. The stories are mostly of people blowing him off even though he just wants to hang out with them. Is he needy? Maybe. Is he annoying. A little. But all I know is that I am gonna tell it like it is with him. I guess he deserves that much. I can tell he is a loyal person too. We have a bit in common so it won’t suck as much. I am really really trying to look for the good in all this. I think it is possible to cohabitate with this person. Again, I just hope all will be well. If this is my way to freedom, then I will take it. Doesn’t seem so bad…
So I am doing it. I am finally moving out of the horrible house. I am gonna move in with someone who I just know is a good person. That’s all. My boyfriend is okay with it. His Ex is okay with it and I can finally have peace of mind. I just worry about financial reasons since he does not make enough money and is still dealing with his recent breakup. I am giving him an ear from time-to-time. I talked to him last night and he is one of those people where no one gives him an explanation about why they don’t want to hang out with him. Kinda sad. I told him that I would do my best to explain things to him and that I don’t go back on my word when I make plans unless there is an emergency. I am managing his finances from now on and I don’t mind. As long as he pays me back, I am happy. He needs to grow and work. I need to work and grow. Perfect timing for a couple of people that do not like where they live. But it is a means to a future for me. I am not so sure what it is for him. Probably sanity. Probably not. All I know is that I will stay in my room and hang out with my thoughts without the screaming keeping my stressed. I will have a safe place. I have the exclusive access to someone else’s money. I will have my own bathroom… with a tub… I will finally de-stress and use bath bombs again… I will finally shower more frequently. I will live farther from work, but that’s just what needs to happen. We live closer to his work (Since he has no car) in exchange for a nice place to live. I am okay with that.
I miss my boyfriend. He has been in Taiwan and will be coming back shortly. I have already heard some of his stories when he has had wifi and we Google Hangout the conversations. I wonder if he feels worries about my new situation. I think I have explained it thoroughly enough that I only want him and that this is just gonna be my situation temporarily. I am happy that he trusts me. Because that other guy is TOTALLY not my type and I am happy that he understands that.