BACKSTORY: Yesterday, I worked for 10 hours straight. I just got a new side job this week and have not really adjusted yet. In few words: I was tired. However, I needed to drive an hour out to my best friend’s house for her birthday. My gift included chocolate and since it has been 100+ degrees out I had to keep it in a nondescript IKEA bag I took indoors to both jobs. I had to juggle uniform -> professional dress for both jobs- changing my shoes and shirt in the short 15mins between them. I got stuck in a Taco Bell drive thru so that was really 2mins of changing time. Both jobs had their stresses and challenges that day, so by the end, I was kind of mentally drained.
The ride to my friend’s house was fine. I drove over 90 for some of it. I could not believe the amount of slow or distracted drivers on the road. I had my music, A/C blasting unusually cold and was feeling okay.
THE EXPERIENCE: I was almost there. I had found and missed a potential parking spot. I decided to make a U-turn on a small busy street that turns out was too small to do a U-turn, but decided to try it anyway. A single green light, no arrows to tell you when to make a left. You need to wait for all oncoming cars to pass before you can make a left turn. I didn’t. My brain did not register this. The street was really too small to make a U-turn and I needed to BACK UP to finish making it properly. This is were I saw the guy on the motorcycle flip me off and then did a wheelie down the street. This is where I looked in my rear-view mirror and saw the traffic I had stopped. I just couldn’t believe it.
AFTERMATH: I was lucky I did not get hit. I was lucky no one (especially the motorcycle driver) did not get hurt. I cried for a while after my friend’s party. It just eats me up that I put so many in danger for something I did that was so preventable. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have had the careless behavior of an idiot driver? I like to drive fast. It just makes me feel alive sometimes. Makes me feel like the free and open road is all mine. I feel like driving so fast before this incident was definitely a factor into my driving habits. Whenever I drive tired, stupid shit happens. But my problem is also that I do not like to drive slow. I do not like driving in the lane everyone passes by. I do not like inefficient slow habits, like driving slow in the faster lane. I took a good hard, look at my driving habits. Will I ever change this? One of my only favorite things to do is to drive fast or at least drive on a road all alone. I am still shaky. I am still in disbelief. I am still upset at myself.
No more U-turns…. on that street near my friend’s place.
P.S. Sorry to all who had to witness the stupidest driver in history. Sorry to the motorcycle guy who almost hit me. I understand that it was reckless, stupid and dangerous. But the scariest part was, I didn’t know it at the time… Easily the mother of all accidents.
I gathered myself and said that being unhappy was not gonna fly in 2018.
This year will be about self-healing. I cannot heal if I am unhappy every day.
I have proven that I am willing to change. But I know that I am no where NEAR where I need to be.
Where do I need to be? There is a willingness inside of me that has turned to stone over many many years. I need to chip away at the stone and find out all my potential.
I keep going back to the same place in my mind and I need to not go back anymore. I have always struggled with moving on. I keep finding myself living in the emotions of the past. The habit of the past. Not preventing them in any way. Not growing.
One of the things I learned in life is that if you don’t speak up, bad things will happen. If you don’t accept that government employees at the DMV have the right to be bad at their jobs and totally disrespect you, then it is okay to make a scene. I got what I needed that day despite their incompetence. If you see a baby lost and circling the front of a store, then it is okay to step in and take the kid to the front desk. If you forget a charge you made on a credit card or could have sworn that it was paid, then you can call up the company and have it fixed. If the car shop owner hangs up on you when you ask for the third time about a service that he was supposed to provide, but forgot, then it is okay to explore other avenues and get what you need done. That is knowing when the battle is over, but did not lose anything in the process.
Endless paperwork. Long days of a job that gives you exhaustion. Co-workers that don’t align to your standards of basic human concern. Friends that don’t ask about your life even though you were in their presence for two hours. New diet involving no carbs or sugar. New symptoms of a skin rash or a new color emerging on your body.
There will always be something. You just have to speak up.
It was against my nature because I was trained to observe and not react. The current people around me don’t care about success, but they always complain about not having money. I don’t see any personal success in anyone other than a select few. I like knowing that those who strive for more in a positive way are around me. But those who complain, don’t do anything about anything and are constantly negative will be around me for a while.
I got off topic. Not having this job is scary financially. But it can also be an opportunity. Writing. Exercise. Cooking. Those are my topic choices for the three-four hours of free time each day.
I want to live somewhere cold in the winter. I have decided this. Last time, I came back because I missed one of my friends. Now, I have a significant other to think about as well. But if I have to spend the summer boiling, that will make me unhappy. Watching TV and not doing anything else will make me unhappy. I would rather be the one to experience great things rather than watch someone on TV do it. I have seem different Travel Channel hosts travel to the same place, but I, myself have never gone.
I am trying. I know I have commentaries about people, but it all comes down to loneliness. I feel alone in my thoughts and ideas. There aren’t many people who want to be ambitious around me. There are no people who say, “Can I join you? I will do whatever it takes.” But instead there are people who say, “I can never do that! It’s not my thing.” I have dealt with this a lot. So much to the point where I give in and do what everyone else is doing.
I will try to treasure those who give a crap about me. Sometimes I give too much attention to those who don’t and I just hate life. I can’t help it. I will say that as you get older, that you care less about what other people think. Manoj Bhargava said it best when he said that he didn’t think anyone was doing anything right. People can only tell you the mistakes to be made but there really no formula to success. You watch people on Shark Tank only to see that the high tech product that they spent four-times their life-savings on is horrible. I want to apply this to other parts of my life as well. One of the reasons why Psychology didn’t work out for me was the fact that there were people who you had to depend on for their emotions, money, accolades, respect. (The research field) And I know that if I see people who have made poor choices over and over again, that I would get depressed quickly. (The clinical field) There is skill involved for both, but the patience or butt-kissing would be too much. Something that I could not do. AND YET I tell myself, that I should still pursue it. JUST BECAUSE I hold a degree in it. I am confused.
Money is something I hate. School is too much. I would like to go back to school but I am scared about being as unmotivated and a bad procrastinator as last time. There was no vision. I was following the pack. The weakest link on several occasions. I don’t even want to go back to UCLA because I did myself a great injustice there. I am literally still paying the price.
I am trying to work up the courage to go back again. ONLY ONE person has ever taken interest in this. When I told her an idea I had, unbeknownst to me, she researched it and gave me a print out to help me. I was so touched. There has been encouragement to stick to my Keto diet, but there has been no encouragement to my future. There have only been, “You should go back if you want a better job,” with no sense of direction. Now that I see this, it sounds like I just want someone to do the work for me. But in truth, I just want someone to be interested.
Never trust a guidance counselor. They are not interested in you.
From what I learned, you just gotta hustle. You gotta get your head in and call people out. You have to ask a million questions to get the right responses from people. Some people change their minds midway or you simply cannot trust what they have to say. I cannot tell you the unimaginable pain it is to be on the phone and they have to redirect you so much that they redirect you back to the first person you talked to. That is an example of a modern-day battle. You gotta grow courage and get some balls. People don’t care about you, because they care about themselves first. The government won’t tell you about special programs that can help you because they don’t want you to use them. That’s life.
How messed up is that?
Anyway, I am gonna do it. I am gonna apply to school again I am going back to community college, I decided. I am gonna try this computer science thing that I wanted to do 10 years ago.
What a dumb question. The meaning of life is being a good person by doing good things and making sure happiness for yourself and those around you is constant. Religion, philosophy, some ethics and extremists of any kind will try to add to this – a.k.a MY answer to the meaning of life. For all I know the book Angels and Demons by Dan Brown had answered it beautifully without answering it at all. We all get caught up in our own human drama and that it is not like we can’t learn a different way to love and accept one another. Anyway, search over. A new kind of search is selfish now. Less so about the entire human race, but about a single person. In the end, THE question doesn’t generalize itself, but becomes about what is the meaning of my life?
I am writing with a gas fireplace on and a blizzard going on outside. Visibility looks horrible. I can see my car outside collecting the first few inches of snow. I cringe at the thought that I have to brush it all off tomorrow. But… I asked for this. It wasn’t anywhere NEAR like this living in California. In my “Cold Anticipation” blog from a while ago, I discuss that I came here because I felt too hot in heart/mind and that the California sun only made me worse. That was true. But has moving here really made me feel any better? I love the cold and there are moments that I just want to walk right into that blizzard outside and stay there. But I hesitate. I hesitate to try it. I hesitate to open that door and see if I can handle it. After all, it is a dumb idea. So to answer my own question, no, I am not totally happy, but I feel a tiny bit more happy here. But my hesitation plays a role. The fact that I still carry California plates on my car is a big tell about how I am feeling. I feel as though I can move back at any moment. And according to many others in my circle, I SHOULD move back. My cousin asked me why I came to Colorado. He tells me that it was not his interest but mostly his mother’s interest. Why I had left my whole life behind to come to a different state and work a low paying job at a major retailer? Was it worry? Concern? He was the first to really be so interested without pushing that I get a better job/life plan. There are three reasons why I left California. Three reasons that make me feel depressed year-round. None of the reasons deal with work, or school, or money. I feel like no one will ever know all three. I don’t understand them myself. Were they good reasons? Maybe…
I do wish that I had someone to share this with. I wish I had someone to share my Colorado experience. Like it feels wasted on me that I do so little. I get tips all the time at work but I never get a chance to do them because I didn’t want to do it alone. Imagine showing up at a popular restaurant and getting a table for one. I see movies alone but I will not go out to eat alone. There is so much to do and see and I here I am huddling in my cave.
If my family is right about something, it is about finding another job. My current job made me unhappy today. Just out of the blue. Took me by surprise.
I freeze in this snowy blizzard. I will freeze in place and time…
As I look out my window, I see a colorful display of sun playing on a suburban desert. My room has a brilliant view of the city because of the small hill it’s located on. The brightness of the day is enough to remind you of the hottest temperatures humans can endure. Aside from that, the lack of lawns that exist are almost striking. Water is precious. I can see cars slowly pile in and out of my neighborhood community. There are people jogging along the main street in the evenings and cars speeding both ways. A hustle that I have been no longer deprived of. I can see many parts of the city, from shopping malls to the superior court. I look out my window and a flood of possibility overcomes me. As if I am millionaire looking down on my company’s busy office floor. The feeling comes and goes as soon as I inspect the landscape further. On a rare cloudy day, you can see the windmills sprinkled on the mountains about twenty-five miles north when the sun’s glare isn’t a problem. But alas, I have been craving the opposite from a clear view such as this. Cold temperatures. Cloudy days. Heavy clothing. It seems like every year the heat stays longer and longer. I can’t remember the last time I wore my discount, over-sized Avenged Sevenfold sweater feeling cozy after a good layering. These feelings are simple and many people would be depressed about living under clouds and cold. But not me. I feel warmer when I am cold. But not in the typical sense. I feel as though I can get through anything if I can get through the cold. When I breathe in cold air, I feel like it is fresh and clean, unlike hot air which smells of sweat and a sticky cough. There really is no right way to describe hot air other than the use of unpleasant nouns. I like everything about the cold including the concern people fuss over it. They seem to care more if you are too cold than if you are too hot. (And I’m not talking about sickness.) Cold is slow as hot is fast. I’ve been living in a heatwave all my life. It’s time to slow it down a bit. Slow to my commitments. Slow to my sadness. Slow to my anxiety. Slow to my anger. Slow to my love. Slow to my thinking. I do that better knowing that I can be cold alone. Cozy in my decisions about my future. To be able to hug it all and accept that I am the only one who can warm me up. No amount of external heat can achieve this. It is easier to become warm than to become cool. While you must be cold on the outside, you must be warm on the inside. Vice versa applies to hot weather. Who wants a cold heart anyway? I once wrote a story about a young man who went to the snowy north and walked around in nothing other than jeans and a t-shirt. As he clutched his arms for warmth, he thought about the tragic Thanksgiving dinner when he was a child when his pregnant mother was suicide-killed by his father in front of him. He always preferred the cold, maybe not because the cold heightened his depressed thoughts but rather cleared them up. Walking through the snow, the icy water, was a sort of cleansing effect for him. He wasn’t suicidal and didn’t want to freeze to death, but melt some of the excess burning rage, grief and tireless love that he needed to let go of. A body capable of producing too much warmth needs to be cooled down from time to time. That story has always stuck with me because it was a feeling that I could put into words. That I understood to my core. Sometimes at boring family gatherings, I pop out for a bit into the winter weather- away from the heat of numerous bodies. I can be alone with my thoughts. Alone with myself and wish that no one join me or discover me by accident. Away from them. Away from the heat that can overpower me and my feelings. (more…)