On an awesome note, I was in bed last night and I was happy. For the first time in a LOOOOOONG time, I felt happy. I felt like how I felt like when I was in school as a kid. Content. It was a great feeling.
Truthfully, I do not need things. Maybe an upkeep of items and clothes, but I do not desire much anymore. I think this is an important part of myself that I am trying to embrace. I have money (not if I keep spending it on Hulus of the world), I have people around me (maybe some are not the type of people I like all the time, but okay for now), I have things I need – There is reason to move on.
This year was important for a couple of things. The first being my parents meeting my boyfriend and not exploding. The second being moving out of my house and making mistakes. The third being getting off the medication that I was on. The fourth being having enough humility to move back in with my parents. The fifth being saving money. The sixth being less sad and more motivated.
I feel like this was a year that was not great, but a year of learning. I would not be the same person if I hadn’t moved out in a blind sense of rage and sadness, I would not learn that “Sure I can make it on my own, but at what cost to my sense of health, mental stability and financial hardship?” I had to accept things that I did not want to accept that were in my family. I was stressed all the time. ALL the time. I gained almost thirty pounds. It was not pretty. I wanna call those few months either “Mini Hell” or “Stress to the Heart” because it really was. I had to worry about things out of my control and I just needed to accept them.
I took some antidepressants a while back and I made the decision to get off of them. For me, it served its purpose. – Making me not have as many suicidal thoughts. I stopped taking them when I moved out. I was still depressed but I just did not have the time to be depressed anymore. I had to hustle and earn money. I got fatter. And fatter. Stress-eating was how I coped. Stretch marks- GIANT, red stretch marks- came out of nowhere. I will never have the same body every again. Another thing I had to deal with that was no longer in my control. My foot pain came back and multiplied to my other foot. Another hit. I got out of my lease with my loser roommate and moved back home – defeated, sad, in need of some sense of stability. It was in these few months (August to now) I was working on myself. Trying to loosen the stress one day at a time. The thing is, I didn’t really know I was doing this until now. Resetting where I was a year ago. But the difference is that I have had a few experiences that have shaped me.
One of the things that I am now is that I don’t like working. I don’t like working for a small business. I think they are shady and guilt you too much. I don’t like people. The assistant at work and my roommate from my apartment this year confirmed this for me. I don’t like kids as much as I thought I did. I think if they were my own that it would be different, but would it? I work with kids with intellectual disabilities and I truly hope that I won’t have a kid like that. The parents that do have a responsibility and sometimes I had to watch them fail. And when they did fail, I did not want to be in that room. I like positive friends. There was this nurse at work who would tell me the truth, but it depressed me. Like she was controlling my life’s choices. Although I appreciated her honesty, it was like she was telling me what to do that got my panties in a bunch. As for my assistant, I lost faith in the millennial generation because of her. She fooled her way to normal and that became so apparent, I wish I could be in an alternate universe where I can never see her again. But I learned how unfair I was because of her. I would see her standing there doing nothing and I would get mad. Why? Because I am an anal person. I want things to be done a certain way, but I can’t expect those around me to do the same because they are different people.
One thing is for sure: I am tired. Just tired and I have to keep going. Sometimes I don’t want to. Sometimes I just feel like quitting. Sometimes I feel like it is appropriate to quit. When you are unhappy and see nothing but a dead end, that’s where a red flag pops up. Quitting is not always a bad thing, unless it is for something you KNOW you should not be doing. I am quitting on Coursera, but it doesn’t mean I will stop learning. I just need to find something right for me to do. I have a tendency of sticking with something I don’t like because it’s something I “should do” instead of want to do. Certain friends and some big decisions in my life have been thought of that way. Where has it led me? Misery. Plain and hurtful misery. In high school, I quit reading books I liked. I think that’s where it started for me. I quit doing something I loved to do causally, because the books I liked to read weren’t the “right books” to read. My friends read the classics. School made you read the classics. “Therefore, I should read the classics.” My bookcase was filled with books my school/friends enjoyed, but I didn’t. Pressure piled on and I broke. Nothing was mine anymore. There was nothing to work hard for. Just misery. I took up no significant hobbies since then. I talked the talk but didn’t walk the walk. I floated through life.
When the only person I looked up to crashed and burned, my life really had no meaning. I struggled to find a meaning. A motivation. Religion isn’t just one person, it’s a group of people. I hated the people. No meaning could be found there. My friends carried hardship, financial distress and negativity. I didn’t like them. I was alone. Seeking happiness in TV shows and movies. This is still a thing now. That’s why I am afraid of Hulu and Netflix. But I just love watching TV so much. It’s a big part of me.
ANYWAY, I hope this was a good recap to where my life is. My boyfriend tells me that I should get a hobby all the time. He has so many. We share a hobby of flying kites. That is something that I enjoy doing with him in the colder months. (Because standing in the hot sun is not our idea of a good time. The new Blinkest app I got is about success and motivation. Something I am into right now. I have listened to NPR’s podcast, “How I Built This” and have been inspired. I like listening to that stuff. Whether or not I get off my ass and build a business is no one else’s judgement. If my hobby is listening to this app and that podcast, then that’s it. Why should it go any further?
I don’t know where I will be in 5 years. I do know that I want a job with benefits. I just want to be secure. What I do know about my professional life is that I am a hard worker who likes to know how her job is done and make it more efficient and more creative. The only thing holding me back is my current boss and those around me. (Also how fast I want things done. I still need to work on chilling out) I was wondering of getting an MBA. One of my best friends is doing it so I was all, “Who cares?! Maybe we can own a business together!” But that is just wishful thinking. I can still go the computer programming route and see where that leads me.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
So I wrote this over a month ago. German was not originally bolded and I bolded it today. I really want to learn German and I feel like having it on the list will help. Just a visual thing.
I will do 6 things… That’s all.
So back in September, I came across this article about Warren Buffet’s 2-List strategy. I forgot which site it was on, but most of them talk about it the same way about this pilot needing help with his career and Warren Buffet magically helped him. (Kinda strange that no one has followed up with the pilot to see if this strategy works… but whatever)
I like this strategy because it’s visual and each goal requires mastery or achievement in order to go to the next one. I guess you can make them as little or as big of a goal as you want but I am starting small.
You are supposed to make a list (ugh) of 25 goals. You circle 5 that are the most needed and basically block the others out.
- Go to gym 5 days a week.
- Lose 20 pounds
- Learn Java
- Take the GRE
- Master subtle makeup
- Get a full-time job you like
- Learn German
- Learn how to edit videos
- Make an app
- Write a book
- Write a screenplay
- Make a comic strip & share online
- Learn Arabic
- Go back to school
- Rap a fast rap song
- Talk to an Antarctica expert
- Write a rap song and record one
- Stretching: Touch the floor with my palms
- Master making bread
- Master simple hairstyles
- Carve a wooden figure
- Run a mile in under nine minutes
- Go to gym 5 days a week.
- Lose 20 pounds
- Go to gym 5 days a week.
- Lose 20 pounds
- Go to gym 5 days a week.
- Lose 20 pounds
- Go to gym 5 days a week.
- Lose 20 pounds
The Human Girl 