Month: February 2018

Energy of Worry

Current weight lost: 17 pounds

I am THIS CLOSE to my first 20 pound goal. All this hard work will come to fruition later when I finally can see that scale change to a number I have lost over a year ago. THREE MORE. Just THREE MORE. Hopefully I can lose it in 7 days. That way I can brag that I lost 20lbs in 2 months, but I should not pressure myself.

All this free time, I have been walking more. I surprise myself with short bursts of jogs/running while I am in the park. I have more energy. I feel lighter. I am making most of my meals. I am staying away from things that won’t benefit me. (Except TV) But THE WILL is there again. Action will come.

Sometimes I am hard on myself. Okay that was a lie. I am ALWAYS hard on myself. I am lost, but I know where to go. I make mistakes 90% of the time and that causes me to feel weak. I learn from mistakes, but I also like to rebel. I like taking risks. That is a part of me that won’t die. I like to drive fast. I like to do most things fast. It is why I cannot stick to most diets. Because a month is too long.

I don’t see the end of the tunnel through the journey because I am already rehearsing my victory speech. Words can only carry me for so long but actions are hard to do.

There is desperation to get a new job. After applying to so many jobs and hearing rejection or nothing back, it makes me feel worthless. They DO NOT know what a hard worker I can be. They DO NOT know me because they see my unpronounceable name and dismiss me. They DO NOT know that I am about being humble in my abilities and that bragging about myself does not come easy at all. And yet, I do not drop to their level. Why should I change my name? Why should I brag about things I didn’t do? Why should I tell them that my field has changed because of me because that is what they want to hear. Success is about building a core of people because of their personalities. My personality cannot just come out with my first encounter with you. It takes a while for me to access the situation and see how I need to handle others. Once I know, the work environment will be more productive because I will know who I am dealing with. That is how I am so needed by so many people. That is how I am respected by so many people. I will show you in the most subtle way. I am not the loudmouth that will just brag. Toxic people are just in so many high positions. There is no respect. I want to respect them, but I cannot. They learn nothing. Why should I?

And then the cycle keeps me out because of my name, my position and my personality.

I keep going.


Wholesome Cheater & Life Track

I have been in a downward trend of weight loss. It has not been as significant as my first month, but I am okay. I did pig out on carbs on Sunday because that was when me and my boyfriend celebrated our Valentine’s Day.

I NO LONGER HAVE A SECOND JOB! However, I am gonna be in super saving mode. I kinda tried to pay for big expenses before I ended my second job so that I would start off with a clean slate of savings. I am going to try and sell my stuff or just give them away. Starting clean.

I feel happy that I quit my second job. I am a bit unhappy about the huge tax I owed this year, but again, I already took care of it. I have been asked if I want another second job. No. I want a full-time job. I have been incapable of ever landing a full-time job. I realized that I have only ever had part-time jobs. But I work so much, I should be considered full-time. Maybe that is why I am having so much trouble with finding a job. That’s all employers see. Anyway, enough negativity. I am gonna still try my best for a full-time job. I am not gonna give up. Especially now, since I have some more time on my hands.

I am going to do my best. I am going to do my best as cheaply as possible. I no longer can spend money on expensive things anymore. I am gonna hustle. I am gonna engage in more hobbies. The top of the list is learning coding, learning a language, eating keto/working out and reading more books. Remember that Warren Buffett list I wrote? Well, I have a few more changes again.

Here is the modified version of my top 5 things to focus on.

  • Work out 5 times a week.
    • Lose 20 pounds
  • Learn Python
  • Enroll in CC and take a computer class
  • Learn violin
  • Get a full-time job you like
  • Learn Arabic

I changed a few things around. I am gonna change the language to Arabic. I am going to change the coding language to Python. I got a violin from my boyfriend, who bought it a while ago. I think it will be an interesting hobby. I am not taking the GRE because I might go back for a second Bachelor’s, but I am still unsure. I have been looking into cyber security and I think that it is really interesting. It’s also close to a 100% employment rate. But even though I have a path, I might not do this. I need to see if coding for me is something I want, once and for all. I am going to enroll in a community college class just to see if it is something I like and can handle, given my few years out of school. I have decided to learn Arabic instead of the German, because I just want to. It’s also a once and for all mentality. I am interested in it enough and I want to touch my cultural roots to speak it before family members start to die off. I figured that it should be the first one I learn. I know that I have a ton of language learning for German I already put the money into, but I can always do that later. Arabic seems more important.

So that is where I am at.

I am gonna see if I can make it a hobby to see how thrifty I can be given that I am making a lot less now. Did you know that I spend an average of $400-500 a month on food? Sometimes more! So I need to cut that in half. Being on Keto can be expensive sometimes. Just the ingredients are pricey. Going to see if I can just buy everything online to make that cheaper. I kinda signed up for Instacart. But I will see what I do with that. Seems easy to shop and deliver food for people. But I would be 1099 so that is putting me off. I hate having to pay so much in taxes every year for 1099.

I saw this video by Anna Akana and I felt inspired to read more.