Month: May 2014

Days On

In the light of day, she screams. In the dark of night she sighs. She can’t help but feel the days move on in a blur of regretful decisions and old memories. She catches the whiff of herself from time to time. In need of another shower that will be delayed to the next day. She wonders about life and its seemingly meaningless existence. But she doesn’t end it. Only thinks about the consequences of ending it. No. She dreams of a life alone now. No amount of fear of being alone has caught up with her an these thoughts. She craves doing things her way without the opinions of others getting in the way. She doesn’t know what the possibilities hold for her. She thinks that time keeps slipping. She can’t control how old she is getting or how she spends her time. All she knows is that whatever she does is a waste of time and that it’s not like she will get those hours, minutes and seconds back. She repels society, but fears that it is the only thing she is good at keeping track of. She feels her mind melt away in the ennui that she is forced upon herself. Why can’t she just grow out of it? She know EXACTLY how to leave but she doesn’t. Is it fear? No, that ship has sailed. Now it is just laziness and stupidity. She sees people move on in the work that they like to do. She envies them to a degree, but then sees that it is pointless to do so when she has the capability to do the same. Her friends have moved on. Her family does not speak of her future on the couch. She feels tired and heavy. She is sick of lying just to make herself feel better. Everything makes her sick. From the people she talks to, to the food she eats. She is sick and tired of everything. Has any good come out of this?

She knows what she doesn’t like. What things are not working. What days give her more ache than others. What people that give her fever and what people give her smiles. She knows what she wants out of life by discarding the things that don’t make her happy. She has learned what people can help her move forward and what people pretend to move her forward in life. She knows that she is alone in life most of the time. What she considers interesting or amusing, others don’t think the same thing. She knows her personality and attitude are still huge works in progress and that in order to fix them, the other party must be willing to do the same. She knows that she can’t handle more than what is expected from her for any reason, personal or academic. She knows that people who don’t see life the way she does can be disappointing. She doesn’t understand why people don’t want to learn with her. She understands the concept of money much better, but has yet to gain more to prove it. She understands that higher education is a must and that she should pursue it, but she has yet to prove it. She understands that people can make life richer, but she doesn’t know how that works yet.

She is still in the beginning stages of life and learning how to deal with people. Her worries over people and the interactions with them are what breaks her down most days. She just fears that she will never find that one person who she can literally share her mind with. She has tried over and over again, but has come up short each time. They want something else in life. They want what they want in life. She feels in the way of them living life. This is why she feels that life isn’t worth it on some days. Why should she only be the pawn in their life? Why can’t she be a rook or even a queen? As the days move on, she is reminded of her whole life’s purpose; apparently, finding this other person to be totally in sync with her. The day must come where she decides to fail on this mission and move on. By being alone, someone may come to her. She hates that thought. She hates being alone even though it has won her much praise in the past. She is clear-minded when alone, but envious of the people who have somebody to call their own- their best friend. She has many best friends, but doesn’t feel that closeness anymore. As previously stated, they have moved on, possibly to newer friends. She knows that it was inevitable. She knows that it is disappointing. She knows that she can’t worry about them or hate them for it. After all, they have lives other than her. As the days move on, she questions her decision. The decision to leave off on her own. She fantasizes it. Sometimes as a Chris McCandless character. Alone in the wild with yourself and what you can carry. No distractions. No people to worry yourself over. But that isn’t what she wants, or even needs. She needs herself in a state of modern reality. She wants to disappoint people when she tells them that she is busy. She wants to make herself happy by doing something she loves. She wants to build a family one day. She wants to make others happy with just her well-earned presence. She wants to learn how to be patient with her family. She wants to grow in every possible avenue. She doesn’t need someone to make that happen. She KNOWS this. But the sting of sitting alone at the lunch table because your only friend didn’t come to school that day, is still there. She must grow from it and realize that she doesn’t need them. Or anybody to led a happier life. At least, not right now.