Fast Heartbeat

When the world stops, it makes you think. How could I have been better? How could I have changed things? In reality, you would do it all again. I am not a person to say that change is the best. But I am a person to think that I am not good enough for new change.

My heart has been beating fast for a while now. It won’t stop. Am I making the right move? I do not know.

Is this stress? Worry? Heartbreak? Did I do something wrong? Am I doing the right thing? The wrong thing? Are these questions I will always ask myself?

My mind is like a hive of bees. Constantly buzzing. Constantly building. Constantly rushing in and out. I ask myself many questions. I ask myself if there is something wrong with me… I ask myself what I deserve and how much of it do I deserve.

I think of myself as lowly. I cannot do anything of great importance until I have changed that. I know…

I want to know that I can prove myself. I want to see that I will try hard at something. That doesn’t come without discipline. That doesn’t come without surrounding myself in that world.

I like to goof off. I like to relax at home. I like to think that I can take it easy because my squishy body really enjoys it. But I am too young to live like a retiree. I crave the home life but I have certainly failed the professional side of life. What would happen if I had kids? How would they respect me if I just think a television program is more important than they are? I would be horrified. I want my kids to be the most important thing in my life. I want my work to come in second. I want these things and yet, I am unable to prove that I deserve it.

I need to stop crying.

 

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