We broke up last Tuesday. My heart was effectively broken. But… deep, deep, deep, deep, deep down, I knew that maybe, just maybe, we were not a good match. That little voice in my head is starting to be such a stupid, little know-it-all. But she is right. I just wish it did not sting so much.
I have been keeping busy since last week. I also am still jobless since the beginning of September 2019, sooooo I have a lot of time to just be sad. This week, I have been more productive than ever. I am going to just… study. I don’t want just another job. I want to have skills that will build up, not constantly become broken down every day. So I am going to just be the very best I can be. I will mooch off of my parents and my hard-earned savings until I figure it out.
I don’t want to go into another relationship for a long time. Seems like these “nice guys” are just as destructive as the bad boys. I don’t understand them. They loosely use “I Love You” like it’s something that is meaningless. I just can’t do it anymore. I am starting to feel like guys are scared of me. Not fearful of my fist but fearful of breaking my heart. I cannot look into some guy’s eyes and see truth. I am too disillusioned to feel real love for a significant other at the moment.
I am just going to focus on myself and “make it.” I got time. I got no kids. I got smarts. I am ready to tackle on the world. My new mission is to make the world see its stupidity and to be smarter and more advanced. It’s a heavy mission but I want to be part of the solution. The world is making people too comfortable. People need to feel safe and also be aware of the world around them. Wealth is happiness not endless money. I just want to show people that fact that I know all too well.
These past months of my joblessness were a good thing. You know what I did? I watched TV all day. I ate bad food all day. I did chores. I overcame my ptsd from my last job. I was able to reset my mind and realize what I want to feel. I was able to set up myself for a calmer outlook on my future. I was able to get to a point of happiness. I got to a point of endless days that feel like Saturday. I was able to think about my health and what I wanted out of working out. I was able to see the truth in the lies that the world tells us. I was able to overcome my self-humiliation about being a jobless, talent-less loser. I have looked back in my life and realized that I should’ve spoken up more and called people out. (The dumb, loud ones get all the attention.) I learned how to say “no” to people. I am busy. Deal with it dummies. I still struggle with friends and prioritizing my time over the demands of others. I had realized that I do not ever want to deal with clients. There are other people for that.
There are so many things that I learned. Most of it honed my observation skills. I realize that nothing is over unless you fight for it. Whether it is returning a purchase from seven years ago or seeing that you are being discriminated. Knowing which is which and how to deal with these things was what my parents could not teach me. You learn these things on your own. There is no one that can have the same experiences as me. I will always remember the time in high school when a friend asked me what a “skyscraper” was despite my brain freaking out about how she did not know this yet. Or the time in twelfth grade, and my teacher called me out about how I did not know the meaning of “non sequitur” at my age. Some things were just never learned. You learn every day. It’s how to deal with a situation that makes it a normal day of learning or an embarrassing issue. I was humble enough to tell my friend calmly what the word meant without her feeling dumb. However, my English teacher opened his eyes wide and repeated the word and then dropped a heavy dictionary on my desk. (I was currently taking test. I was embarrassed) I would have preferred the first treatment to the second. You live and learn. One person cannot have all the information that you have. Deal with it and always be a humble teacher to others.
If I start today, I can be a great success. I will show up those people that thought I was not worthy of friendship because of their own issues. I am just a person who wants to be loved, just like anyone else. I just want to show the world how normal I am. I am not special. I am just a regular person who wants a regular life. But the positive life, not the negative kind. I don’t wanna deal with baby daddies or a heroin addiction. I want to see my mistakes and be humble enough to help the people around me, as well as myself.
I am still looking for jobs, but I am being picky. I won’t just say yes to anything that will give me a good paycheck. As I enter my thirtieth year of life, I want to do what I WANT to do. No one will make me feel sad. No one will make me feel stupid. No one will make me feel lonely. It’s just want I want. Selfish 2020 will be an interesting year. Every day, I want to hide in my house and ignore people. I want my full attention to be on learning and knowing as much as I possibly could. I have even been thinking of never having kids. Too much pain with a partner would be in my future. I just know it. Although there is happiness in children, I just cannot see a man in my future who would be kind, sincere, loyal and trustworthy. There is no one else (non-romantically) that can make me grow. It’s just something that I understand to be true at this point in my life.
Other than my TV addiction, my phone addiction is coming to light. I have deleted many social media apps and have also put my phone on vibrate or mute ONLY. I cannot have the ring of an app or phone call make my brain salivate for the need of human communication. There is no one that does not live with me that I don’t need to immediately need to hear from. That’s a blessing to know. A regular person will hear from me in my own time. They need to respect me. They do not already respect me. Not how they treat me right now.
So there it is. It is me against the world. I need this. I want this. I do not want to have others make this a problem for me. To those who are used to me messaging back right away or being that listening ear: I am not in this to serve you any more. I do not care about your feelings or about your schedule. Be a friend who will make my life better, not worse. Please do not be another heavy thing that I need to carry. Understand my feelings. Understand that I cannot go on as how I used to be. I feel too broken, too empty and too angry to deal with you. Get back to me later when I have my own life settled.
Truth. Success. Humility. Responsibility. Perseverance. Failure. Defending intelligence.
It is all I want to do now.