fear

“The Best Revenge is Massive Success” -Frank Sinatra

We broke up last Tuesday. My heart was effectively broken. But… deep, deep, deep, deep, deep down, I knew that maybe, just maybe, we were not a good match. That little voice in my head is starting to be such a stupid, little know-it-all. But she is right. I just wish it did not sting so much.

I have been keeping busy since last week. I also am still jobless since the beginning of September 2019, sooooo I have a lot of time to just be sad. This week, I have been more productive than ever. I am going to just… study. I don’t want just another job. I want to have skills that will build up, not constantly become broken down every day. So I am going to just be the very best I can be. I will mooch off of my parents and my hard-earned savings until I figure it out.

I don’t want to go into another relationship for a long time. Seems like these “nice guys” are just as destructive as the bad boys. I don’t understand them. They loosely use “I Love You” like it’s something that is meaningless. I just can’t do it anymore. I am starting to feel like guys are scared of me. Not fearful of my fist but fearful of breaking my heart. I cannot look into some guy’s eyes and see truth. I am too disillusioned to feel real love for a significant other at the moment.

I am just going to focus on myself and “make it.” I got time. I got no kids. I got smarts. I am ready to tackle on the world. My new mission is to make the world see its stupidity and to be smarter and more advanced. It’s a heavy mission but I want to be part of the solution. The world is making people too comfortable. People need to feel safe and also be aware of the world around them. Wealth is happiness not endless money. I just want to show people that fact that I know all too well.

These past months of my joblessness were a good thing. You know what I did? I watched TV all day. I ate bad food all day. I did chores. I overcame my ptsd from my last job. I was able to reset my mind and realize what I want to feel. I was able to set up myself for a calmer outlook on my future. I was able to get to a point of happiness. I got to a point of endless days that feel like Saturday. I was able to think about my health and what I wanted out of working out. I was able to see the truth in the lies that the world tells us. I was able to overcome my self-humiliation about being a jobless, talent-less loser. I have looked back in my life and realized that I should’ve spoken up more and called people out. (The dumb, loud ones get all the attention.) I learned how to say “no” to people. I am busy. Deal with it dummies. I still struggle with friends and prioritizing my time over the demands of others. I had realized that I do not ever want to deal with clients. There are other people for that.

There are so many things that I learned. Most of it honed my observation skills. I realize that nothing is over unless you fight for it. Whether it is returning a purchase from seven years ago or seeing that you are being discriminated. Knowing which is which and how to deal with these things was what my parents could not teach me. You learn these things on your own. There is no one that can have the same experiences as me. I will always remember the time in high school when a friend asked me what a “skyscraper” was despite my brain freaking out about how she did not know this yet. Or the time in twelfth grade, and my teacher called me out about how I did not know the meaning of “non sequitur” at my age. Some things were just never learned. You learn every day. It’s how to deal with a situation that makes it a normal day of learning or an embarrassing issue. I was humble enough to tell my friend calmly what the word meant without her feeling dumb. However, my English teacher opened his eyes wide and repeated the word and then dropped a heavy dictionary on my desk. (I was currently taking test. I was embarrassed) I would have preferred the first treatment to the second.  You live and learn. One person cannot have all the information that you have. Deal with it and always be a humble teacher to others.

If I start today, I can be a great success. I will show up those people that thought I was not worthy of friendship because of their own issues. I am just a person who wants to be loved, just like anyone else. I just want to show the world how normal I am. I am not special. I am just a regular person who wants a regular life. But the positive life, not the negative kind. I don’t wanna deal with baby daddies or a heroin addiction. I want to see my mistakes and be humble enough to help the people around me, as well as myself.

I am still looking for jobs, but I am being picky. I won’t just say yes to anything that will give me a good paycheck. As I enter my thirtieth year of life, I want to do what I WANT to do. No one will make me feel sad. No one will make me feel stupid. No one will make me feel lonely. It’s just want I want. Selfish 2020 will be an interesting year. Every day, I want to hide in my house and ignore people. I want my full attention to be on learning and knowing as much as I possibly could. I have even been thinking of never having kids. Too much pain with a partner would be in my future. I just know it. Although there is happiness in children, I just cannot see a man in my future who would be kind, sincere, loyal and trustworthy. There is no one else (non-romantically) that can make me grow. It’s just something that I understand to be true at this point in my life.

Other than my TV addiction, my phone addiction is coming to light. I have deleted many social media apps and have also put my phone on vibrate or mute ONLY. I cannot have the ring of an app or phone call make my brain salivate for the need of human communication. There is no one that does not live with me that I don’t need to immediately need to hear from. That’s a blessing to know. A regular person will hear from me in my own time. They need to respect me. They do not already respect me. Not how they treat me right now.

So there it is. It is me against the world. I need this. I want this. I do not want to have others make this a problem for me. To those who are used to me messaging back right away or being that listening ear: I am not in this to serve you any more. I do not care about your feelings or about your schedule. Be a friend who will make my life better, not worse. Please do not be another heavy thing that I need to carry. Understand my feelings. Understand that I cannot go on as how I used to be. I feel too broken, too empty and too angry to deal with you. Get back to me later when I have my own life settled.

Truth. Success. Humility. Responsibility. Perseverance. Failure. Defending intelligence.

It is all I want to do now.

 

The Job Hunt No One Is Prepared For

So you want a job? A regular 9-5? You didn’t study hard enough in school? You weren’t passionate in school? You weren’t passionate about anything when you were going through your teenage years/early twenties? LOL. GOOD LUCK.

If you read this article, you will feel either compassionate towards my efforts of finding a job or roll your eyes. Just know how hard I have been trying and that I consider myself still losing. You are expected to be strong, hopeful, confident and well-dressed during your job search but this article is about how those traits and efforts, that you put in, sometimes do not yield expected results. I hope to educate you in some aspects of the job search I experienced. But know one thing: You must be passionate and have hobbies to find happiness. (That is what I have seen in my successful friends as well as heard on the podcast How I Built This) School does not teach you that. School teaches you some of the important basics, how to follow like a drone, possibly discourage any non-school-related passions or talents you may have and some random things you do not need in order to get ahead in life. You know how they say that school teaches you to be a factory worker? Well, I can’t even land that job. Go have passion if you want to conquer the world. It could literally be in anything that gives you calmness, happiness and reason to exist. Do whatever it takes to get to that point. Read on to learn more.

Let’s begin.

So you just graduated college and you have no true passion in what you just studied…

YAY!

I went to a great school. (One of the top universities in the US on the west coast) I chose to study something called Psychology. I DID NOT think this through. A smart student would actually know what about Psychology they liked. I just liked the subject. A smart person would know that Psychology is not easy or an easy avenue to a job after graduation. To do psych properly in college, you gotta get research experience. I didn’t know that. To understand psychology, you must know that there are roughly two branches of career direction: Research or Practice. Both require you to get top grades, do your own research, get letters of recommendation and give your time to many years of study after a four year degree. YOU MUST LOVE psych before getting into it. You must realize that getting a four-year degree in something you LIKE is not that great.

I am not hating on Psychology. It was fun. It, however, was not practical.

Five years out of school, back in my sleepy hometown, I cannot find a good full-time job. To be fair, the demographics of my hometown leave much to be desired. Then why don’t I move away? Because I am poor. Because I am scared. Because living with your parents is the only way you can have or save money.

I have a part-time job. I get paid above minimum wage so I am still doing better than some friends who do not have a four-year degree. I have never been able to get a good full-time job for some reason. (Not retail, but an office job.) A serious job to show off my skills and dedication. I must have edited my own resume over 100 times by now.

SO WHY DON’T YOU GO BACK TO SCHOOL?

So what if I do? I will have more debt piled on more debt about another passionless study. I am worried that the next thing I go back to school for will be for something I am just doing for the money. (A typical millennial thought, I am aware of this) But it’s true! I hate doing financial or accounting transactions, but I should go back to school and learn them because those jobs get good money. I am not a fan of biology or chemistry but there are jobs for that. When I graduated with no work experience, that was the REAL tragedy. The only job I got on my own was at Target. It was demeaning on some days. I saw no future there, obviously. Even the people in the higher positions had degrees in their line of work. I did not see myself in HR, but you better believe I applied to HR assistant positions before realizing that HR positions needed a HR degree. That blew me away. I could totally do that work, and I needed a degree for it. Ridiculous.

What are degrees worth?

In my job search, I came across three types of jobs:

  1. The job is something I can do in my sleep. The salary is just okay. Why did I not get an interview?
  2. The job matches my resume exactly. I am confident I can perform these skilled tasks. Then why did I not even get an interview?
  3. The job is advanced, but I am ready for the challenge. The fact that I got into a good school should help impress the employers and let them know that I would like the opportunity to even interview. Was I so unqualified that they laughed at the thought of giving me an interview?

In the job search I experienced, my degree is a pile of poop compared to someone with more experience. As a teen, I was never encouraged to get a job because my family had a mindset that when a teen gets a job, it means that the family is poor. (That is the only explanation I could find) Interesting thought, but being discouraged to get a job, even as a young adult did not help me.

Anyway, are degrees worth it? Yes and no. Depends on what you want and how bad you want it. (Bad cliché out of the way now) Not even that: any dummy can get a job. It takes insider information and exact know-how of what you want to achieve to help set a good course. Short-term or Long-term, you need to WANT something. That’s why coding schools exist. That’s why admin assistant schools exist. That’s why technical colleges exist. People need to know everything about what they are getting into… Even though these schools can be totally unnecessary and people should just learn on-the-job-experience. THEN WHY GET A FOUR-YEAR DEGREE IF YOU WANT TO JUST WANT TO BE AN ASSISTANT? Some things are better left unsaid to TV and our TV parents who told us to go to college or else.

College is awesome because you meet lifelong friends… But not always the best people to help get you a job after graduation.

True stuff. MOST of my BEST friends are from college. But personally, my future suffers. When you get into the workforce, it becomes harder to make friends. Do yourself a favor and know what avenue you want to go on, with various options, before you get yourself into this mess.

Resumes & Cover Letters: The Bane of My Existence

I recently spent a lot of money on a professional resume writer. It has yielded results. If you suck at resumes, then GO BUY A CUSTOMIZED ONE ASAP. Skip buying that vacation to Vegas. You would regret it if you did not try this the first time around. (Or better yet, if your school offers this for free. THEN DO IT. Don’t be an idiot.)

Things I thought of during the job search:

If you hate sales, but are desperate to get a job, you will still hate sales. I have never seen so many fake smiles in my life. Sales jobs are easy to come by due to everyone needing a salesman, but I would rather sell my soul to the devil before I sell knives or phone services door-to-door. (Personality thing of mine) Try it if you want. Who knows? You may even like it. It is a useful skill.

I have a strange name. I changed it for a while to see if my name was the problem with finding a job. It was not.

I still wonder if the fact that I am VERY overweight has anything to do with landing a job. I am still convinced it is…

Employers want the cheapest person to wear many of the important hats in a company. Small businesses are prone to this. Doesn’t make them bad, but it can make you feel sad, overwhelmed and underpaid in the long run.

Before you travel a long distance for a job opportunity, you may want to ask what the salary is before you get there or leave the “salary expectation” portion blank. Or else they will call you “overqualified” when they really mean, “You expensive. Get out.” You will drive away knowing that you wasted a day’s pay as well as your self-esteem and confidence in the job search/human decency with wither and die.
The words, “We will keep your resume on file for future job openings.” IS A PILE OF CRAP AND NO HUMAN BEING SHOULD SAY THIS TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.

When an interviewer asks, “You are not the most qualified person that we are currently interviewing, why should we hire you?” they should burn in hell. The first time I heard this, I thought of how much of my time has been wasted and that I hated the person for even asking me such an embarrassing question. This could have been a tactic of sorts, but it seems rude, no? Made me not want to work there with such horrible people. (Did I mention that I hate sales?)

May we contact your current employer? HOW do you answer this???? (The list of things school did not teach you…) First of all, I want to mention that when you DO land an interview, that you will be given “busywork.” This busywork is a form that you must fill out that is almost the exact thing you spent an hour online or more to fill out, but you must write it by hand. Do you know all your past business addresses by heart? Well, you should! As you should also know how to answer the dreaded question: May we contact this employer? I always said “yes” with the fear that the hiring manager would think I am hiding something. But then another fear was that my current employer would find out that I was looking for a job behind her back, which I feel like is a shitty move. BUT THAT IS WRONG. You are allowed to say NO. But maybe write down: “Only after job offer” or something like that. So that you can have time to tell your boss so it won’t be a shock. I looked this up online and it seemed clear enough. I had a whole breakdown one day after I researched this fact following a job interview. Fearing that my current boss would fire me for looking for a better opportunity behind her back and the hiring manager would hear some negative blind-sided things about me from my current boss who was about to lose a relatively good employee. WHO WINS IN THIS SITUATION? No one. The job seeker suffers. You are always the one to suffer. It is by design.

Don’t be the employer who calls you in for a second interview and says to your face that you will call back all applicants despite they got the job or not to give them an update on the position, but then don’t do it… That is hurtful. This crap deserves a run-on sentence.

About me sort of:

I am introverted 28yr old female from Southern California who is overweight, has a strange name and went to a great university. I was good at school, but afraid of life. Life is about being a nerd about something you like. Your inner nerd could literally be about anything. Depression sprouted in my most critical years of life. Depression is the absence of having passion, things that excite you. I gave up a lot that still affects me to this day. To the smart kids: If you notice that you can no longer keep up with your peers anymore – that you find the daily grind of competing with them in advanced classes a stressful chore, THEN GET OUT. (Reasonably- Like just do the regular classes, change schools, or make friends that you respect and who like the things you like) You will save yourself a lifetime of being passionless. Go get a fast food or retail job and find out what life really is like. That will give you the kick in the pants to never want to work there again and find something you really love doing. Don’t do something if it is just expected of you. Do something you like. There are 50 year-olds that go back to school and completely change their careers but you can do so much more exploring than you are capable of. You will sometimes find yourself in something completely different than what you imagined in the first place. You can do this by giving up the fake friends and the fake competing. You can be successful by your own right. Comparing yourself to others is a terrible thing to do, especially if you don’t even like the reason in the first place. There is a textbook way to do something wrong, but there is no recipe for success for each individual. You must create your own recipe. Success is relative to how you do something. Just going to Harvard will not get you a job. You might get in the door, but not permanently. That is the school of life.
So why don’t I follow my own advice?

I am under the impression that I have failed. I feel like I won’t feel that way until I land that full-time job. I just don’t know why. I don’t want the job hunt to conquer me. I want to conquer IT. But I am slowly realizing that with every passing day, that I need to go back to school. For what? I don’t know…

That is where I will end it.

Hobbies

In more recent years of my life, I have been asked if I have any hobbies. When someone asks me this question, I tell them hobbies I do once in a blue moon- hobbies I used to have before life showed me its ugly face. What I really love is watching TV. But I tell people that I like to read and write. It’s not completely false, but it makes me feel smart or like I am more interesting somehow. I do not have the best talent for writing, but I still do it. Same with reading. But if you were to show me a new show on TV, I will quickly critique why it is relevant and why. Comedy is my favorite subject, probably because of my history of being sad. (Lets play the world’s smallest violin)

Anyway, back to hobbies. You must have a hobby that you do often. It will not only help you master a skill and make you stand out but it will also cultivate the nerd in you to where you can speak fluently and passionately about something. A good example of this is the Ron Swanson character or the Leslie Knope character in Parks and Rec. I like these examples because they obviously love some things more than their current jobs. (There are more characters like this, but those are my favorite) A level of passion that I have yet to obtain. A level of passion necessary to their own happiness. You can have a boring job you don’t like, but as long as you have passion and a hobby, your life will still have meaning. If you are in finance but might not like it, you might be able to make the money necessary to doing expensive hobbies you enjoy in your free time. Is the trade off worth it? Can you really do something you love and get paid for it? Would either of these examples be completely worse than having a life where you hate every day at your job and have no hobbies to make you happy when you come home? Is it worth putting the time and effort in something (Such as years of school or a crappy starter job/internship) to get to a higher level where you like your job? What is worth it? What are you able to achieve in order to become happy? That’s why hobbies are important. Because you need to be able to make yourself happy as well as keep busy because doing nothing might not be healthy for you. You know what I mean. I don’t need to explain unhappiness to a smart human being. Don’t be the person who daydreams happiness. Just do it. Even if it is cheap and takes up a bunch of time.

 
To A Future Employer:

P.S. If you are an employer who is looking for someone who will give it her all, will smile every day, who isn’t a diva or a drama queen, who cares about the quality of her work, who is punctual (ALWAYS), who respects her peers, who works hard every day, who can deal with difficult people, who wants to be creative, who is motivated and systematic on completing all her tasks, who likes innovation, technology and taking risks, who is organized as hell, who just went through a rough patch from life- but has conquered it with style and and humility- then I am the woman for the job. I work hard. I am a team player. I am a leader-in-training. I have experience with all walks of life. I am personable on command. I like to do tasks quickly. I have a recognizable face and I am kind. I ask questions. I make mistakes but learn from them to prevent them from ever happening again. I am shy but have a funny, witty, caring personality when warmed up. Aren’t these the qualities you hiring employers are looking for? Why am I not already on your team? The content of the job is irrelevant. I am telling you that many jobs are on-the-job training anyway. You just have to be LIKED. So why is my personality not even considered? I am put in a room with someone who has the absolute power to just brush me off and say I am not qualified or fit for the job. How can that NOT make a human being looking for respectable, honest work act nervous? The introverts have lost this battle, haven’t they? I must have a big personality to sway your whim, is that it? Should I tell a dirty joke? Should I be clumsy and overly happy? Should I be loud and kiss your ass? Do I need to know someone special? What will it take to change my humble personality to get me hired?

What am I doing wrong?

A terrible question that all job-seekers ask.

Good luck out there homies… The job market is a cruel place. You have to continue forward until you are successful. I hope this article has helped you as it helped me…

This Fear…

One of the things that I have dealt with in my life has always been fear.

Fear is a stupid word. It can completely overtake your life if you are not brave enough.

In today’s context, fear has to do with the unknown. The unknown of getting a new job that I can financially support myself on. The unknown of self-improvement. Can I do everything that I want to do?

My boyfriend has a nice point of view on life. GET A HOBBY. It can be the stupidest hobby in the world. You can spray paint googly eyes and glue them on T-shirts.* I did not encourage myself for hobbies. I used to have hobbies but I lost them. Sounds silly but it is not the physical items that were lost, but it was a result of a time in my life where having a hobby meant getting a lower grade on an exam. There was no time to do the stuff that I wanted to do. Over time, my hobby became procrastination and procrastination was watching TV.

So I have come to the dumbest conclusion ever: I am scared to find a hobby I like. In some ways having a hobby meant failure in my past.

I listen to a podcast called “How I Built This.” It’s about how entrepreneurs started their businesses up from an idea. Not all of them believed that their idea would be a big deal, but a good amount of them did. For some, it started off as a hobby. For others, they knew that their idea was going to be huge. My boyfriend has told me that one should not aspire to do something because they should, but because they want to- gives them happiness. Truly words of wisdom. But there is this part of me that doesn’t believe it. It wants to say, “How the hell is buying googly eyes, spray painting over them and sticking them on T-shirts is gonna make any money at all?! Don’t waste your time!” But the point is not to make money, but to be happy. Some day, I would like to be the boss of something. I would like to be a boss of a company or boss of a signature idea. I just want to leave something behind that people might enjoy or make people happy. Society does not appreciate all types of artistic visions. That is a very disheartening thing to hear. There will always be critics. There will always be people who say that you are an idiot. A nightmare indeed. My ideas WANT to be bigger than myself. They CRAVE to be bigger than myself. It is not a matter of doing something only for myself. My brain wants to do something for somebody and then get the recognition that it deserves for that same thing. Something that somebody said that I mattered in some way. It seems like a negative point of view doesn’t it? It doesn’t seem right. But that’s my unique brain.

So what does this all mean? If we go back to the idea of fear, it means that fear of failure is inevitable no matter what I do. But it matters WHY I do something. If I do it to be happy, then I will succeed. If I do it to gain recognition then I will fail. But how do I change my mind to get around all of this bullshit?

Unfortunately, it is a simple answer: Just do it and see what happens.

There are a million things that I can do in this world. The world will always say that I will not have enough experience on my resume, the world will tell me that my name is hard to pronounce, the world will tell me that I look unattractive and unhealthy, the world will tell me that I am not coherent or smart enough to understand many things, the world will break my heart in two – but as long as I am doing something that matters, with the utmost passion I can put into it, then I will have a place where I can live with no regrets, no sadness, no more failed New Year’s Resolutions and no more fear…

Look down and you will only see the ground. Look up and you will see the changing sky.

I want to look up.

 

*Example of a totally useless, totally unique hobby someone other than me might enjoy.

Assumptions.

four doors for more whores

Meanwhile at Costco…

What makes people think that certain things are okay?

Why are Americans so afraid of anyone who isn’t white? (And by that, I mean skin color over race)

Stereotypes.  …or assholes…

That is what.

 

 

Why do people say racist or sexist things? It’s because that’s how we were raised. We were raised to believe certain things. Also for the lack of exposure can lead to mindless racists thoughts. If you read my last post, you discovered the cute/embarrassing story of how my little baby cousin made an unknown racist remark. He was never exposed to something. Never taught. He didn’t care to have a friend who was a different color than him. He just wanted a friend to play with because he was sick of the adults. It was probably me who was acting racist.  (*laugh quietly to myself on how I realized this too late*) But I also was playing it cautious in case my little cousin presented the idea directly to the kid in front of the kid’s parents. Ugh. What a loophole.

The fact of the matter is that even though we are trying to not act offensively, that the action of not doing so may still be a racist act! That just sucks.

Now I have my moments. I’m sure we all do. I won’t say I’m not racist (I also won’t say that I’m an angel either) because of the shit I do by accident.

I am not part of the white culture. However, my skin color may say otherwise. I am first generation. And many people have tried to guess my culture because, as my name suggests, I’m not really white but I am still like white people.

I am like them because I was raised around white culture. Every single teacher in my elementary school was white. Most of my classmates were white (or Hispanic). But most of my best friends ended up not being mostly white. Other than a couple of friends, I’m not really close to anyone who isn’t a first generation kid like me. I just feel that they “get” me more. It’s what I have in common. Not really ethnicity. It’s something deeper. They grew up around white culture too even though they aren’t really white. They have similar thoughts and feelings towards many of the same things that I do. White culture is everywhere. Is it bad? Not really. Is it good? Not really. It just caters to people who look white and have lots of money is all.

Sometimes I hate the color of my skin. As though it didn’t really match my ethnicity or my strange name to other people. I didn’t really have much in common with the kids growing up. They seemed to live completely different lives than me. I just became a “Yes Man.” I tried to fit in as much as I could. It was hard because I was really shy and quiet. No one really encouraged me to be bold, outspoken and passionate. I feel like this is white culture sometimes. It’s kind of monochrome and passionless. Sure there are the kids on TV screaming for candy and going into time out. I wasn’t this child. Kids on TV were strange. They were the boss in some ways. Nothing like the real world. White culture is kind of like a kid without a bedtime. Always running around when it shouldn’t.

White culture tries to be encouraging of new cultures, others’ practices and sensitive to stereotypes. But it didn’t prepare me for that. How many times did I try to understand a black family’s way of life when I was growing up? What about Indian traditions? How about learning Spanish and trying it out on real native speakers? (Come on, California.) I just read them in textbooks. Maybe saw a few films. But real life is different. Life is really about experiences. I didn’t get many experiences from other cultures other than from school.

So I revisit the question: Why are Americans so afraid of anyone who isn’t white? The reason is: that they know what they know. Many Americans haven’t made Syrian immigrant friends before this immigrant crisis. They don’t really know the culture or perhaps even what makes a Syrian different than any other Arab. They can’t distinguish because they can only tell white people apart. (I can too) Media is a big foe. That’s what the eyes see.  But sometimes visual testimony is wrong. Much of the time, stereotypes are wrong. They are cool people like you. Maybe even braver, because they have to go through hoops of fire.

I can only see the world through my eyes. Sometimes my eyes are smudged with wrongful assumptions. Sometimes my body does things that try to protect me in strange situations. Sometimes I am just ignorant and I just ask a million billion questions. But wanting to learn is better than turning you head away, right?


P.S. The man who owned this car was seemingly white and also wore a Disneyland work uniform. Awesome, huh? They have lives too. Maybe he borrowed the car… from one of the Disney princesses.