My friend, The Warrior, asked me what kind of guy I would be into. She said that she had someone in mind, but wanted to hear what I had to say first. I hesitated. I started saying things that I didn’t like hearing. It was surprising to me. I just couldn’t tell her straight up what I wanted in a man. We both knew how it sounded coming from my mouth: white-washed and bland.
I had some time to think about my answer. I am not sure I like it, but here goes.
I would like a man who loves me and will always want to love me.
I would like a man who knows that I love him no matter what.
I don’t want a man who needs to prove that he is the only person that I will ever need, because that isn’t true.
I would like a man who wasn’t just nice to me to get married and becomes a monster after we take our vows.
I don’t want a man who has an anger problem because that shit is something that I don’t need in my life.
I would like a man who has his own interests and hobbies, whether he wants to share them or not is his choice.
I would like a man who challenges me and makes me want to be a better person.
I would like a man who wants the best without belittling me or patronizing me in the process.
I would like a man to say sorry when he does wrong and feels like he needs to make it up to me.
I would like a man to not keep marriage-ending secrets or hide things from me because he could.
I would like a man who wants to not screw up our kids and wants to give them opportunities and hope for themselves.
I would like him to want to love his family but not think that he has to be the sole savior for them.
I would like him to come to me to discuss our finances, our future prospects and anything that might be bothering him.
I would like him to want to be a man with opinions and not some “yes dear” creation of marriage.
I would like a man who would want to be a better man in anything that he does.
I want him to know that I don’t want to cut his balls off.
I would like him to feel comfortable being silly around me.
I would like him to think that his ethnicity does not give him a right to act a certain way. (I can’t go up against the world all the time)
Tall, dark and handsome, I guess would be a plus.
I just want him to be a good man who doesn’t bore me.
It’s not detailed at all. It’s bland and white-washed. I am more focused on what he can deliver rather than what he is into- although that is just as important. I guess it should be the other way around. What kind of guy would I want? Like, would he have to be really into watching movies and TV? Would he be into reading and writing? Would he be into computers? Would he be into playing with kids? Would he be into science? Would he be into Antarctica? Would he be into hockey? Would he be into Youtube? Would he be into all the stuff I hate? Would he be into all the stuff I used to like? Would he just ONLY like to talk about himself? Would he never like to talk? What a difference likes and dislikes are!
And perhaps I am not even mentioning personality traits? I don’t want a know-it-all academic, a mono-toned bore, a super-handsome ladies man, a bad boy dropout, a sleazeball who only wants to watch porn, an emo crybaby, an ugly constant self-downer, a religious man who controls my “sinning” ways, a super-shy shut-in, a poor restaurant worker with no ambition, a super-rich guy who doesn’t care to remember details about me, an OCD social butterfly who criticizes my looks, a constant weenie, a politically-obsessed suit with a non-stop tongue, a techie who ignores me for his phone, a guy who looks better in my jeans than I do and tells me so… etc. You know, the shallow stuff that we judge people on when we first meet them. (But this is worse because you have the opportunity to date and possibly get married to them. Might as well know the bad stuff.
What does a normal, nice guy even mean? Any guy can be nice. That is perhaps the scariest part of the search. And it’s more than just sexual attraction. (Not that that it is not considered!) I want to be attracted to his brain too.
How do I begin to answer my friend’s question?