worry

Energy of Worry

Current weight lost: 17 pounds

I am THIS CLOSE to my first 20 pound goal. All this hard work will come to fruition later when I finally can see that scale change to a number I have lost over a year ago. THREE MORE. Just THREE MORE. Hopefully I can lose it in 7 days. That way I can brag that I lost 20lbs in 2 months, but I should not pressure myself.

All this free time, I have been walking more. I surprise myself with short bursts of jogs/running while I am in the park. I have more energy. I feel lighter. I am making most of my meals. I am staying away from things that won’t benefit me. (Except TV) But THE WILL is there again. Action will come.

Sometimes I am hard on myself. Okay that was a lie. I am ALWAYS hard on myself. I am lost, but I know where to go. I make mistakes 90% of the time and that causes me to feel weak. I learn from mistakes, but I also like to rebel. I like taking risks. That is a part of me that won’t die. I like to drive fast. I like to do most things fast. It is why I cannot stick to most diets. Because a month is too long.

I don’t see the end of the tunnel through the journey because I am already rehearsing my victory speech. Words can only carry me for so long but actions are hard to do.

There is desperation to get a new job. After applying to so many jobs and hearing rejection or nothing back, it makes me feel worthless. They DO NOT know what a hard worker I can be. They DO NOT know me because they see my unpronounceable name and dismiss me. They DO NOT know that I am about being humble in my abilities and that bragging about myself does not come easy at all. And yet, I do not drop to their level. Why should I change my name? Why should I brag about things I didn’t do? Why should I tell them that my field has changed because of me because that is what they want to hear. Success is about building a core of people because of their personalities. My personality cannot just come out with my first encounter with you. It takes a while for me to access the situation and see how I need to handle others. Once I know, the work environment will be more productive because I will know who I am dealing with. That is how I am so needed by so many people. That is how I am respected by so many people. I will show you in the most subtle way. I am not the loudmouth that will just brag. Toxic people are just in so many high positions. There is no respect. I want to respect them, but I cannot. They learn nothing. Why should I?

And then the cycle keeps me out because of my name, my position and my personality.

I keep going.

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Doing The Minimalism Thing In A Boss Way

I am about to do something that only a few months ago I was not going to do. I am so sad but yet grateful that I feel better about it now. I know there is a person who says no. I know that there are freedoms that will be cut. But I figured that the good will outweigh the bad somehow.

First things first: MINIMIZE MY LIFE

I MUST give away my stuff. I don’t need books that I will never read. I don’t need clothes that don’t fit me anymore nor have ever fit me. I don’t need a backup that I will never use. I don’t need expensive perfume that I will never use. I don’t need things that are old and gross. I don’t need sentimental items that I have never even wanted. I just need to minimize my life. I need a bookshelf of only my most favorite books. Not books that I was told to read.

I just want to be happier with less. Less stuff to worry about. Less stress. Less sleepless nights. Less tiredness. Less physical weight. Less arguing. Less meaning to do something but don’t. Less people that don’t improve my life.

I also want this move to be beneficial for my family relationships. I always want it but never implement anything. I need to be the boss of my own life.

Less TRASH- in thought and feeling.

Wish me luck.

I Keep My Phone On Silent

A new day and a new feeling. I don’t know what to make of it and I don’t know how to make it go away. I am nervous and worried about myself. I am scatter-brained and tearful. I don’t know what to do or say. I just see the eyes pointing at me.

There are parts that make me happy. And there are parts that seem to rip my emotional core in two. I write this passage while droplets fall from my eyes.

They come and they communicate. It seems nonstop. I can’t relax. My mind is telling me that it is crashing. My eyes see a blurry past – a sad past with no future.

How can someone stand this? Is it lying if you want to tell someone something, but you don’t know how to tell them? How to convince them that they think you are something else?

I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what to do.