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Two-Weeks Notice & Life Lessons

I submitted my two weeks today for my second job.

I gathered myself and said that being unhappy was not gonna fly in 2018.

This year will be about self-healing. I cannot heal if I am unhappy every day.

I have proven that I am willing to change. But I know that I am no where NEAR where I need to be.

Where do I need to be? There is a willingness inside of me that has turned to stone over many many years. I need to chip away at the stone and find out all my potential.

I keep going back to the same place in my mind and I need to not go back anymore. I have always struggled with moving on. I keep finding myself living in the emotions of the past. The habit of the past. Not preventing them in any way. Not growing.

One of the things I learned in life is that if you don’t speak up, bad things will happen. If you don’t accept that government employees at the DMV have the right to be bad at their jobs and totally disrespect you, then it is okay to make a scene. I got what I needed that day despite their incompetence. If you see a baby lost and circling the front of a store, then it is okay to step in and take the kid to the front desk. If you forget a charge you made on a credit card or could have sworn that it was paid, then you can call up the company and have it fixed. If the car shop owner hangs up on you when you ask for the third time about a service that he was supposed to provide, but forgot, then it is okay to explore other avenues and get what you need done. That is knowing when the battle is over, but did not lose anything in the process.

Endless paperwork. Long days of a job that gives you exhaustion. Co-workers that don’t align to your standards of basic human concern. Friends that don’t ask about your life even though you were in their presence for two hours. New diet involving no carbs or sugar. New symptoms of a skin rash or a new color emerging on your body.

There will always be something. You just have to speak up.

Against my nature because I was trained to observe and not react. The current people around me don’t care about success, but they always complain about not having money. I don’t see any personal success in anyone other than a select few. I like knowing that those who strive for more in a positive way are around me. But those who complain, don’t do anything about anything and are constantly negative will be around me for a while.

I got off topic. Not having this job is scary financially. But it can also be an opportunity. Studying for the GRE. Writing. Exercise. Cooking. Those are my topic choices for the three-four hours of free time each day.

I want to live somewhere cold in the winter. I have decided this. Last time, I came back because I missed one of my friends. Now, I have a significant other to think about as well. But if I have to spend the summer boiling, that will make me unhappy. Watching TV and not doing anything else will make me unhappy. I would rather be the one to experience great things rather than watch someone on TV do it. I have seem different Travel Channel hosts travel to the same place, but I, myself have never gone.

I am trying. I know I have commentaries about people, but it all comes down to loneliness. I feel alone in my thoughts and ideas. There aren’t many people who want to be ambitious around me. There are no people who say, “Can I join you? I will do whatever it takes.” But instead there are people who say, “I can never do that! It’s not my thing.” I have dealt with this a lot. So much to the point where I give in and do what everyone else is doing.

I will try to treasure those who give a crap about me. Sometimes I give too much attention to those who don’t and I just hate life. I can’t help it. I will say that as you get older, that you care less about what other people think. Manoj Bhargava said it best when he said that he didn’t think anyone was doing anything right. People can only tell you the mistakes to be made but there really no formula to success. You watch people on Shark Tank only to see that the high tech product that they spent four-times their life-savings on is horrible. I want to apply this to other parts of my life as well. One of the reasons why Psychology did’t work out for me was the fact that there were people who you had to depend on for their emotions, money, accolades, respect. (The research field) And I know that if I see people who have made poor choices over and over again, that I would get depressed quickly. (The clinical field) There is skill involved for both, but the patience or butt-kissing would be too much. Something that I could not do. AND YET I tell myself, that I should still pursue it. JUST BECAUSE I hold a degree in it. I am confused.

Money is something I hate. School is too much. I would like to go back to school but I am scared about being as unmotivated and a bad procrastinator as last time. There was no vision. I was following the pack. The weakest link on several occasions. I don’t even want to go back to UCLA because I did myself a great injustice there. I am literally still paying the price.

I am trying to work up the courage to go back again. ONLY ONE person has ever taken interest in this. When I told her an idea I had, unbeknownst to me, she researched it and gave me a print out to help me. I was so touched. There has been encouragement to stick to my Keto diet, but there has been no encouragement to my future. There have only been, “You should go back if you want a better job,” with no sense of direction. Now that I see this, it sounds like I just want someone to do the work for me. But in truth, I just want someone to be interested.

Never trust a guidance counselor. They are not interested in you.

From what I learned, you just gotta hustle. You gotta get your head in and call people out. You have to ask a million questions to get the right responses from people. Some people change their minds midway or you simply cannot trust what they have to say. I cannot tell you the unimaginable pain it is to be on the phone and they have to redirect you so much that they redirect you back to the first person you talked to. That is an example of a modern-day battle. You gotta grow courage and get some balls. People don’t care about you, because they care about themselves first. The government won’t tell you about special programs that can help you because they don’t want you to use them. That’s life.

How messed up is that?

Anyway, I am gonna do it. I am gonna apply to school again I am going back to community college, I decided. I am gonna try this computer science thing that I wanted to do 10 years ago.

I can do it.

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Distracted

I cannot focus on my job today. I spent most of the day goofing off on a game on my phone. Even now, I am currently wasting company time writing. I don’t mind. I guess I am having an anti-self-regulatory day. I am cool with it. I got work to do but I can’t find the motivation in order to do it. I guess I am feeling passion for other things. The game I am playing on my phone is fun. It’s a puzzle I want to solve over and over again. I may be slow, but I am happy when I get that accomplished goal.

The other day I was thinking. Thinking about my future for the first time in a long time. Due to my current change in living arrangements, I have been feeling better. I was thinking that I was wasting my time as the Social Worker in an Adult Day Care… I am underpaid, tired and don’t love the work. And I really don’t like my second job as a Behavioral Tech even though I get paid more, but have less hours. I dread that job more because I have to deal with difficult kids.

A part of me thinks that I am just not suited to take care of people. To order them around and make them do things I would hate doing if someone told me. I guess… I just want freedom in my work. Freedom of expression and being as precise as possible. One of the reasons why I couldn’t do Psych anymore was because I started to hate people more and more. I didn’t like interacting with them, I didn’t like giving them advice and I didn’t like talking them through sadness. Even the research part was almost repulsive after graduation. It was like I had to schmooze my way to the top. I hate schmoozing. I loathe the idea of being an open person all the time and being kind to people who I hate or who were full of themselves. I feel like the world is changing when it comes to that though. I hear stories of people coming together and making something amazing and who are happy doing it. I like to be a part making amazing stuff, but my kind of stuff. I would need to change how a machine operates in order for me to work with it. Sometimes you are not allowed to do that. Sometimes you just have to deal with people who don’t share your vision, your voice, your process or your fucking texting habits. (Excuse the F-bomb but I am sick of people having horrible texting vocab, mean comments or rude timing)

I don’t wish for people to be like me. I like thinking the way I think sometimes. I wish I was sharper and had a bigger vocabulary but I think I am doing fine.

Take that test. Because you knew how to take our test you are one of us. (load of bulllll)

I don’t know what being smart is. I have never known. I think that some people are smarter than others, but in certain settings. There are dense people and their are open people. I can be dense and I can be open. It’s like a valve I cannot control. It’s just a mind game that my brain likes to play with me. Past experience says you shouldn’t do this: I do it anyway. Future notice!: You should’ve read the instructions beforehand so that will never happen again!: I will not read the instructions if I don’t want to. See? My brain is “special.”

So in conclusion and going back to what I was writing in the beginning. I may start a career in Tech. No people to take care of, but management skills are something I am open to working more on. (As long as I don’t see any crazy people)

P.S. If ending with a preposition is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

What Makes It Worth My Time…?

Time, energy, dedication, hard work, passion…

All things you do not foster in me. Things that you do not foster in yourself or the people around you.

How can you expect me to be here if you do not hold my hand a little bit and tell me what you want?

How can you expect me to read your vague mind and bitter attitude and turn that into a positive environment?

How is growth so easily mashed down into doing your bidding?

Do you not see my confused expression? Do you not hear my wavering voice?

I would like to help. I really would. I would like to see what I can make this place into. But I cannot do that if you yell when I don’t know what’s happening. I can’t help you if you have to always be the superior one- and will not apologize for it. I can’t help if you just want to do things the same old horrible way. I always have to tiptoe around your unusual moodiness.

You will always be this way… And that’s why I cannot do this anymore… Good luck, but I have made up my mind. I cannot drown here any longer while mind obsesses over your lack of advice and inability for kind tutorials. I cannot be better if you do not want to understand that I need to learn certain things.

 

P.S. Your office smells. >.<

We Are the Heroes of Our Time…

Grand Canyon Sunset

Grand Canyon at sunset.

With the state of my uncertainty and anxiety towards the future I am reminded every day that there are possibilities. I quit my last job and I am starting a new job soon. I am unsure about this new job. Why waste my time with something that I am not one-hundred percent excited about? (Or at least 70%) Then it hit me, I was doing it for the money. An unspeakable disgrace to my personal beliefs. I grew up with the mindset of doing anything that I set my mind to, BUT I am just not sure where to begin. I am unsure about where my best lies. I haven’t tried any avenues for career exploration, self-improvement or even sticking to a job for a year. “Hey thehumangirl, where is your life going? Where will you live? What will you do for work?” I answer, “To be a hobo.” Because that is where I will end up if I don’t get it together. And by “it” I mean “passion for life and study.” I have learned things here in Colorado working at my sad retail job. I have also learned many things about myself as well as the other “humans” that I have been ignoring for so long.

RANT: I have learned that I just don’t like people. That’s that. People lie a lot and take their anger and annoyance out on you and all you have to do is to keep smiling. But I have also learned that those who smile are the weakest. They smile because they are told to. These smiley people who obey so blindly are just pawns who will never become more than followers. Then the leaders become dicks even though they were not dicks before they were leaders. END (ILLOGICAL) RANT.

No, but seriously, I wasn’t learning much in retail other than to be an adequate robot. I don’t think that’s what I want out of life. I want to lead in some way. But at this sad retail job, I wasn’t learning anything anymore. Stagnant. I felt the time ticking away. I saw myself as someone who would be there for too long, going home to a small apartment and watching expensive television up until bed. Useless future. This was not my plan for life. But then what is? What is this new job? Will it turn out the same? Probably. I have no passion for it other than the potential of it making me a lot of money so THEN I can start my purposeful life. Buuut… does that mean I should take a short cut and cut out this unexciting new job and fill it with experience for the later stuff?

I don’t know if I should take this other job. I want to go back to school and study for the real stuff… The “real stuff” being something that I actually WANT to do. However, I am torn as I want to do many, many things. But I know that I can’t be indecisive anymore. I MUST CHOOSE. It will be the hardest decision of my life. The MOST impacting. The most permanent. (Maybe not that, but something that lasts for a long time…) And it has been something that I have been struggling with for so long. Life is confusing.

-The Human Girl

P.S. In case you didn’t know, the title of this blog is a title of a song from the winner of the most recent Eurovision Song Contest, Mans Zelmerlow. I don’t know why I like this song so much…