talking

Forgiving Myself For Social Mistakes

Subtle Language

So I had bronchitis this past week. Hacking up a lung is never fun. I went to a wedding and there was a guy smoking like a chimney behind me. I escaped to the lobby for some fresh air where I saw the bride. After a happy exchange, she asked me what I was doing. I told her I was “escaping” from the smoke and she took concern over my health and told me to take care of myself. After that exchange, I left without saying goodbye due to her disappearing into a massive sea of guest dancing.

What I really should feel bad about but don’t: Leaving without saying goodbye.

What I feel bad about: Said that I was “escaping.”

Why did that make me feel horrible?: Because of the wording of how I said it. Telling the bride that you are escaping her wedding is probably not the best thing to say to a bride on her wedding day.

Would she even care I did or said any of that?: Most likely not.

Did I tell a bunch of people about how bad I felt about this meaningless exchange?: You better believe it.

What did they say?: That I was fine.

Duh.

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Follow Your Guts: A Probiotic for Emotions

I am gonna have to make this decision. I am the one who has to do it.

I am ashamed of myself. While we were watching the Korean Drama, Black, I felt myself be annoying. I don’t know why. I LOATHED myself. But I continued to do the same thing over and over. I kept TALKING. I could not stop. The whole time, I felt this bad attitude come out of me. I mean, I was not bad bad, but I did not appreciate myself for my negativity. But I did not stop.

I have been told that I am too hard on myself. I have been told that I am very self-aware. I have been told that I can be negative.

All true?

This is how I currently view myself:

I am a woman/girl who has failed at finding a full-time job in life. I ruminate on all the bad things that happen to me. I prefer my privacy and cannot be in the company of some people for too long. I love television to the point that it has rotted my brain. I am not self-aware and I make mistakes often. I do things I feel like I should not be doing. I treat people poorly sometimes. I give my friends priority for my free time over my family. I am negative because I am trying to “see the truth.” I suspect that I am doing poorly at my current job but no one tells me so because they are either scared of me or feel sorry for me. I put up with my significant other when he tells me what I am doing wrong and take it very personally because I feel like no one has the guts to tell me I am doing something bad or wrong like he does. I have lost a great amount a weight this year with self-control and I view it as “too slow” or “I should have done this sooner because my body looks wreaked beyond natural repair now.” I am always gonna be the fat girl no matter what setting I am in. I feel very stupid and I am doing some things a stupid person with no morals would do. (Self-Fulfilling Prophecy, I guess) I am in denial of whether or not I need professional help, because in my past experience, no one helps me in the way I need help- They give me a sour face and tell me to go somewhere else or to figure it out on my own. I don’t see myself as ugly and I don’t see myself as beautiful- I feel anyone who accuses me of either adjective is wrong. I can’t go back to school because I will screw up and have to pay thousands for a degree that I end up not liking.  I am scared.

I hate this fear.

 

It is consuming me. I bury myself into a deeper, darker, more emo hole. I have not grown. I have not matured emotionally. I cannot succeed.

 

And yet, my instinctive solution is to run away.

I cannot run away. I will not change in this way. I need to fix the view of myself I already have or else I am doomed to just repeat my mistakes everywhere else I go in the future.

 

First things first, I need purpose. A purpose to live life.

I think that if I get a permanent, full-time job as an adult, that is a measurable count of success. Losing 50 pounds is a measurable count of success. Having daily conversations with people where I don’t feel like a complete idiot is a measurable count of success. Feeling like I know things and can teach them effectively is a measurable count of success. Knowing everything about my job and doing it with happiness is a measurable count of success. Not second-guessing myself in front of my significant other is a measurable count of success. Proudly thinking that my routines and contributions that I make every day is a measurable count of success. Being able to speak in an eloquent, clear way so that my speech and writing are positive is a measurable count of success. Persistence and not quitting so often is a measurable count of success.

What is worth it enough to where I can be happy? What will fill in all the gaps?

If I can do something that can change the course of the rest of my life in a positive way that should be the start of a successful future. They say that you need to be constantly uncomfortable when you are learning something new. But once that feeling is over, you get to be comfortable again. Comfort is not always a good thing.

Say: “Non Sequitur Relationship”

Talk to me.

Tell me something worth my time. Tell me that you know what love is. Say something that I can laugh at. Tell me that you know a different language. Tell me how to curse in that language. Tell me about your day. Tell me what bothered you. Say how you worry about me. Tell me what you think is right. Tell me what you think is wrong. Tell me that you are up for hypothetical situations. Tell me intimate details about your love life. Say that you like cuddling with me. Tell me details about your family. Tell me what you love and hate about the people you love. Tell me the last time you spoke to your mother. Tell me about the last book you read. Tell me about your sick pet. Tell me about what you think death is. Tell me about the last time you really cried. Tell me about your favorite fragrance. Tell me that you hate it when people are stupid. Say what you think of me. Tell me what kind of weather you enjoy. Tell me about your favorite foods. Say what you hate about me. Tell me about your opinions about being an adult. Tell me about your ambitions. Tell me about your secrets. Tell me about your bad habits. Say what makes you attracted to me. Tell me what kind of activities you do in your spare time. Say that you want to be with me. Say that you love me.

Now tell me that you are sick of talking to me.