I am gonna have to make this decision. I am the one who has to do it.
I am ashamed of myself. While we were watching the Korean Drama, Black, I felt myself be annoying. I don’t know why. I LOATHED myself. But I continued to do the same thing over and over. I kept TALKING. I could not stop. The whole time, I felt this bad attitude come out of me. I mean, I was not bad bad, but I did not appreciate myself for my negativity. But I did not stop.
I have been told that I am too hard on myself. I have been told that I am very self-aware. I have been told that I can be negative.
This is how I currently view myself:
I am a woman/girl who has failed at finding a full-time job in life. I ruminate on all the bad things that happen to me. I prefer my privacy and cannot be in the company of some people for too long. I love television to the point that it has rotted my brain. I am not self-aware and I make mistakes often. I do things I feel like I should not be doing. I treat people poorly sometimes. I give my friends priority for my free time over my family. I am negative because I am trying to “see the truth.” I suspect that I am doing poorly at my current job but no one tells me so because they are either scared of me or feel sorry for me. I put up with my significant other when he tells me what I am doing wrong and take it very personally because I feel like no one has the guts to tell me I am doing something bad or wrong like he does. I have lost a great amount a weight this year with self-control and I view it as “too slow” or “I should have done this sooner because my body looks wreaked beyond natural repair now.” I am always gonna be the fat girl no matter what setting I am in. I feel very stupid and I am doing some things a stupid person with no morals would do. (Self-Fulfilling Prophecy, I guess) I am in denial of whether or not I need professional help, because in my past experience, no one helps me in the way I need help- They give me a sour face and tell me to go somewhere else or to figure it out on my own. I don’t see myself as ugly and I don’t see myself as beautiful- I feel anyone who accuses me of either adjective is wrong. I can’t go back to school because I will screw up and have to pay thousands for a degree that I end up not liking. I am scared.
I hate this fear.
It is consuming me. I bury myself into a deeper, darker, more emo hole. I have not grown. I have not matured emotionally. I cannot succeed.
And yet, my instinctive solution is to run away.
I cannot run away. I will not change in this way. I need to fix the view of myself I already have or else I am doomed to just repeat my mistakes everywhere else I go in the future.
First things first, I need purpose. A purpose to live life.
I think that if I get a permanent, full-time job as an adult, that is a measurable count of success. Losing 50 pounds is a measurable count of success. Having daily conversations with people where I don’t feel like a complete idiot is a measurable count of success. Feeling like I know things and can teach them effectively is a measurable count of success. Knowing everything about my job and doing it with happiness is a measurable count of success. Not second-guessing myself in front of my significant other is a measurable count of success. Proudly thinking that my routines and contributions that I make every day is a measurable count of success. Being able to speak in an eloquent, clear way so that my speech and writing are positive is a measurable count of success. Persistence and not quitting so often is a measurable count of success.
What is worth it enough to where I can be happy? What will fill in all the gaps?
If I can do something that can change the course of the rest of my life in a positive way that should be the start of a successful future. They say that you need to be constantly uncomfortable when you are learning something new. But once that feeling is over, you get to be comfortable again. Comfort is not always a good thing.