pawn

We Are the Heroes of Our Time…

Grand Canyon Sunset

Grand Canyon at sunset.

With the state of my uncertainty and anxiety towards the future I am reminded every day that there are possibilities. I quit my last job and I am starting a new job soon. I am unsure about this new job. Why waste my time with something that I am not one-hundred percent excited about? (Or at least 70%) Then it hit me, I was doing it for the money. An unspeakable disgrace to my personal beliefs. I grew up with the mindset of doing anything that I set my mind to, BUT I am just not sure where to begin. I am unsure about where my best lies. I haven’t tried any avenues for career exploration, self-improvement or even sticking to a job for a year. “Hey thehumangirl, where is your life going? Where will you live? What will you do for work?” I answer, “To be a hobo.” Because that is where I will end up if I don’t get it together. And by “it” I mean “passion for life and study.” I have learned things here in Colorado working at my sad retail job. I have also learned many things about myself as well as the other “humans” that I have been ignoring for so long.

RANT: I have learned that I just don’t like people. That’s that. People lie a lot and take their anger and annoyance out on you and all you have to do is to keep smiling. But I have also learned that those who smile are the weakest. They smile because they are told to. These smiley people who obey so blindly are just pawns who will never become more than followers. Then the leaders become dicks even though they were not dicks before they were leaders. END (ILLOGICAL) RANT.

No, but seriously, I wasn’t learning much in retail other than to be an adequate robot. I don’t think that’s what I want out of life. I want to lead in some way. But at this sad retail job, I wasn’t learning anything anymore. Stagnant. I felt the time ticking away. I saw myself as someone who would be there for too long, going home to a small apartment and watching expensive television up until bed. Useless future. This was not my plan for life. But then what is? What is this new job? Will it turn out the same? Probably. I have no passion for it other than the potential of it making me a lot of money so THEN I can start my purposeful life. Buuut… does that mean I should take a short cut and cut out this unexciting new job and fill it with experience for the later stuff?

I don’t know if I should take this other job. I want to go back to school and study for the real stuff… The “real stuff” being something that I actually WANT to do. However, I am torn as I want to do many, many things. But I know that I can’t be indecisive anymore. I MUST CHOOSE. It will be the hardest decision of my life. The MOST impacting. The most permanent. (Maybe not that, but something that lasts for a long time…) And it has been something that I have been struggling with for so long. Life is confusing.

-The Human Girl

P.S. In case you didn’t know, the title of this blog is a title of a song from the winner of the most recent Eurovision Song Contest, Mans Zelmerlow. I don’t know why I like this song so much…

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Chess

The plane ticket in my hands- my body trembles
Just knowing that you are nearby- my brain resembles
A possibility of hope that seems childish and ill-gotten
Just thinking of you and all of me that you have forgotten
The ray of sunshine that you used to place in me -couldn’t be there anymore
but it still is
I think that you will turn to me – write to me -talk to me – it just doesn’t come
I know that you are away with someone thinking that we are done
Happier that when you used to tell me everything including your love-
We were together for this time that I thought would last forever
Friendship, then marriage, then death, whichever
Came first in the line that I thought in my mind and it was killing me to want to know what you thought
But…
You thought differently. As a part of me couldn’t see what was really happening.
You came and conquered then told me to step away
Backed me up to a corner and forgot to say
that you were goin’, leaving me in an emotional mess
Decided to call it quits before I took my pawn out in chess
Who can I take out that wouldn’t end up in your lies
when you cheated, and sneaked your way to a grandiose size
and killed my king without saying ‘check’
Too late to notice and too soon to grab the neck
and say that the game was unfair- retrace your steps
while I declare-
The simple truth and backtracked the way
That you fought the long battle of the day
Without consideration of my level- as meek as it is
To go about the struggle and make a quiz
Of my easiness on you- your mind, your heart
I loved you so much. I loved you with all my heart
Until we played that game of chess one day
When I caught you in some man’s lap kissing passionately
I took out my queen and disregarded the rules
I shouted and screamed while your new boyfriend, that fool
Punched my face until the blue made a hue
I lost the game of chess that day.
I was made clear to see that your beautiful veneer
on that mahogany board you owned
was nothing other than cheap glaze, my dear
So I stand with that plane ticket in hand,
And I smile at the fact that you will not be there when I land.

NOTE: Visiting California this weekend. Don’t know how to feel. Don’t know who to tell. And these lyrics need work… Started off as a rap song and ended up as some kind of spoken-word thing… Rap lyrics are hard to write. Oh, and the end needs work. What kind of person just leaves with no other context? So like, that needs better buildup.