This Song I Sing

Clubbing Gear: Mask, High Heels, Purse

Clubbing Gear: Mask, High Heels, Purse

There is a song in me. It plays over and over again. It doesn’t drive me to insanity and actually keeps me from it. It hums over and over. It is like my theme song. I walk around town and it plays. I go to work and it keeps me company. I come home and it relaxes me. It’s a song that takes the bad and makes it good. It’s a song that heals a heart that mourns away from home. When it plays in my physical space, my ears perk up and my mouth starts moving. The song is almost deafened by my version of it. The way I sing a verse or add a longer note is what makes it mine. I keep it close to me. I rewind the bridge so that I can sing it once more- possibly with more passion. Sometimes I sing it until my voice crackles distantly from the original out-of-tune way my voice has come to develop. I don’t care as much because it is my song. I can sing in my car for hours until the song loses it’s original fervor. This song that I have come to love can only stay with me until I forget the words, but never the melody. The rhythm that it paces in my heart replaces what was there before. Faster or slower- my heart mimics the feeling. It completes the bass and the treble in fluid perfection between heartbeats. The song is as alive as I am. I am it and it is me.

It will always be the song I sing.


We Are the Heroes of Our Time…

Grand Canyon Sunset

Grand Canyon at sunset.

With the state of my uncertainty and anxiety towards the future I am reminded every day that there are possibilities. I quit my last job and I am starting a new job soon. I am unsure about this new job. Why waste my time with something that I am not one-hundred percent excited about? (Or at least 70%) Then it hit me, I was doing it for the money. An unspeakable disgrace to my personal beliefs. I grew up with the mindset of doing anything that I set my mind to, BUT I am just not sure where to begin. I am unsure about where my best lies. I haven’t tried any avenues for career exploration, self-improvement or even sticking to a job for a year. “Hey thehumangirl, where is your life going? Where will you live? What will you do for work?” I answer, “To be a hobo.” Because that is where I will end up if I don’t get it together. And by “it” I mean “passion for life and study.” I have learned things here in Colorado working at my sad retail job. I have also learned many things about myself as well as the other “humans” that I have been ignoring for so long.

RANT: I have learned that I just don’t like people. That’s that. People lie a lot and take their anger and annoyance out on you and all you have to do is to keep smiling. But I have also learned that those who smile are the weakest. They smile because they are told to. These smiley people who obey so blindly are just pawns who will never become more than followers. Then the leaders become dicks even though they were not dicks before they were leaders. END (ILLOGICAL) RANT.

No, but seriously, I wasn’t learning much in retail other than to be an adequate robot. I don’t think that’s what I want out of life. I want to lead in some way. But at this sad retail job, I wasn’t learning anything anymore. Stagnant. I felt the time ticking away. I saw myself as someone who would be there for too long, going home to a small apartment and watching expensive television up until bed. Useless future. This was not my plan for life. But then what is? What is this new job? Will it turn out the same? Probably. I have no passion for it other than the potential of it making me a lot of money so THEN I can start my purposeful life. Buuut… does that mean I should take a short cut and cut out this unexciting new job and fill it with experience for the later stuff?

I don’t know if I should take this other job. I want to go back to school and study for the real stuff… The “real stuff” being something that I actually WANT to do. However, I am torn as I want to do many, many things. But I know that I can’t be indecisive anymore. I MUST CHOOSE. It will be the hardest decision of my life. The MOST impacting. The most permanent. (Maybe not that, but something that lasts for a long time…) And it has been something that I have been struggling with for so long. Life is confusing.

-The Human Girl

P.S. In case you didn’t know, the title of this blog is a title of a song from the winner of the most recent Eurovision Song Contest, Mans Zelmerlow. I don’t know why I like this song so much…