hopeful

We Shared

We shared laughs together.

We shared tears together.

We shared similar interests together.

We shared food together.

We shared fear together.

We shared smiles together.

We shared pictures together.

We shared hate together.

We shared thoughts together.

We shared hugs and kisses together.

We shared ideas together.

We shared knowledge together.

We shared our different pasts together.

We shared moments together.

We shared intimacy together.

We just shared.

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A Lifetime Supply of Words

Ever since August, I have been teaching myself how to type faster. First, I needed to type “the proper way” which is just the regular way so that I would look at the screen instead of looking at the keyboard as I type. I still make mistakes and I still get frustrated. It has been a long journey to learning something so simple and often taken for granted by people who learned to type the proper way young. I am happy to say the I am typing this the proper way, at around the same pace as the other way that I have done for so many years. It helped that I practiced every day at work and tried to slow down my fast tendency to learn things. I am glad that I did this and I hope that I can reach 70 words per minute instead of the 40-45 that I do now. I am just happy that I can type and not look at the keyboard anymore. ^.^

Confusing Happiness With Love?

I recently had an amazing experience with a guy. My first relationship ever. We had just gone on our third date together… and then he told me that he loved me…

Do I love him as much as he loves me? I repeated that I loved him back but I wonder if this is all going too fast… I have strong feelings for him, for sure, but I am wondering if I am just too insecure to tell him that I feel a little different.

I mean, I am the type that GROWS love for a person instead of just feel it right away.

I feel….

  • too inexperienced
  • too naive
  • too weak
  • too blind
  • too scared
  • too different
  • too worried
  • too scandalous
  • too confused
  • too nervous
  • too greedy
  • too selfish
  • too sensitive
  • too curious
  • too second-guessing
  • too horrible
  • too… loved… Is that a bad thing?

I am a wreck of emotions right now. I take time to think things over and I have thought it all over about what happened last night. What if we are different people hidden in a mask of googly-eyed love? He has already talked about marriage… I don’t want him proposing to me after a month… I need to take hold of the reigns here before it is too late…

-The Human Girl

 

P.S. What is it about me that makes him so into me? :/

Cold Anticipation

As I look out my window, I see a colorful display of sun playing on a suburban desert. My room has a brilliant view of the city because of the small hill it’s located on. The brightness of the day is enough to remind you of the hottest temperatures humans can endure. Aside from that, the lack of lawns that exist are almost striking. Water is precious. I can see cars slowly pile in and out of my neighborhood community. There are people jogging along the main street in the evenings and cars speeding both ways. A hustle that I have been no longer deprived of. I can see many parts of the city, from shopping malls to the superior court. I look out my window and a flood of possibility overcomes me. As if I am millionaire looking down on my company’s busy office floor. The feeling comes and goes as soon as I inspect the landscape further. On a rare cloudy day, you can see the windmills sprinkled on the mountains about twenty-five miles north when the sun’s glare isn’t a problem. But alas, I have been craving the opposite from a clear view such as this. Cold temperatures. Cloudy days. Heavy clothing. It seems like every year the heat stays longer and longer. I can’t remember the last time I wore my discount, over-sized Avenged Sevenfold sweater feeling cozy after a good layering. These feelings are simple and many people would be depressed about living under clouds and cold. But not me. I feel warmer when I am cold. But not in the typical sense. I feel as though I can get through anything if I can get through the cold. When I breathe in cold air, I feel like it is fresh and clean, unlike hot air which smells of sweat and a sticky cough. There really is no right way to describe hot air other than the use of unpleasant nouns. I like everything about the cold including the concern people fuss over it. They seem to care more if you are too cold than if you are too hot. (And I’m not talking about sickness.) Cold is slow as hot is fast. I’ve been living in a heatwave all my life. It’s time to slow it down a bit. Slow to my commitments. Slow to my sadness. Slow to my anxiety. Slow to my anger. Slow to my love. Slow to my thinking. I do that better knowing that I can be cold alone. Cozy in my decisions about my future. To be able to hug it all and accept that I am the only one who can warm me up. No amount of external heat can achieve this. It is easier to become warm than to become cool. While you must be cold on the outside, you must be warm on the inside. Vice versa applies to hot weather. Who wants a cold heart anyway? I once wrote a story about a young man who went to the snowy north and walked around in nothing other than jeans and a t-shirt. As he clutched his arms for warmth, he thought about the tragic Thanksgiving dinner when he was a child when his pregnant mother was suicide-killed by his father in front of him. He always preferred the cold, maybe not because the cold heightened his depressed thoughts but rather cleared them up. Walking through the snow, the icy water, was a sort of cleansing effect for him. He wasn’t suicidal and didn’t want to freeze to death, but melt some of the excess burning rage, grief and tireless love that he needed to let go of. A body capable of producing too much warmth needs to be cooled down from time to time. That story has always stuck with me because it was a feeling that I could put into words. That I understood to my core. Sometimes at boring family gatherings, I pop out for a bit into the winter weather- away from the heat of numerous bodies. I can be alone with my thoughts. Alone with myself and wish that no one join me or discover me by accident. Away from them. Away from the heat that can overpower me and my feelings. (more…)

Turn It Around

The thoughts of inadequacy are sometimes blinding. Sometimes scalding. Sometimes buffeting. Sometimes drowning. The thought of not measuring up to one’s potential is disgusting to oneself. Sometimes you lose sight of the important things. Your accomplishments, your family, your friendships, your happiness. Sometimes you think that the people you love don’t give two shits about what you do or how you say things. You think you are more accommodating, you think that you look out for their best interests, but then they do or say something that you don’t feel like you deserved from them. Stupid thoughts fill up your head, comparisons to others your age, comparisons to how others your age should treat you, comparisons about how your parents should think and act around you, comparisons about your intelligence to the smarter people. Just comparisons. You start things but don’t finish them all as often as you like, or perhaps somethings get in the way. (i.e. emotions or people) You tell yourself that you will do it again and again, but when the same failing result is achieved, you start to point out that insanity is doing something again and again while expecting a different result. Maybe you will just stay the same and wallow in your thoughts of destruction. Your inadequacy. Or maybe you can turn this around and try again. Do you think that Rome was built in a day? Do you think that suicide is for people who have hope in their hearts? Do you think that anything you want comes easy? Do you think that everyone around you is better at everything that the world offers? Do you think that you are the ugliest person on the planet who has never received a smile from someone else? Do you think that the famous minds and figures on this earth got that way from sitting on their ass and doing nothing? Do you think that any challenge in life is made to be easy and done online in an hour? Do you think that giving up was the worst mistake of your life when you know you could have done better? You choose to say no to these things. You are not stupid. You are not alone. You have yourself and once you feel like everything in your life is on track, then the happiness you send out will call to others. Your family won’t annoy you. You friends will give up time for you instead of the other way around. The real people that claim that they love you will find a way to see you. They will cross oceans to see you, they will spend money on a gift for you or they will think about you much more than they did before. Inadequacy is in the mind of the sufferer. If you want to succeed, then walk the distance. Cut off those restricting branches, swim the rivers and lakes, build your shelter and be kind to those who you see who are also on the same journey. Of course that metaphor is lame. It’s more like: get a job, go back to school, study and pass your exams, get into a grad school that will fuel your passion and graduate with a job offer lined up for you. There are many literal and not-so-literal “paths” that you can take, but be sure to have one in mind. That will make life easier for the inadequate person. Self-help starts somewhere. Not in a book you buy at the bookstore or in an online article looking for hits on their site. No. It is you. And if people turn their backs on you, or forget about you, then they are not worth the pain of getting back. They are worth forgetting. If you fear loneliness, then stop fearing it. Stop fearing altogether. You can do life. You just need to forget the haters out there. Chances are, you may be one of them, you inadequate fool.