hate

How Do You Know?

I still type at 38WPM but I tell people that it’s 45.

I am at work and I hate it. Is it because I am in an office and goofing off all day? Does the internet and a computer do that to me? Yes. I like goofing off because I don’t like work.

I think that I have to face the facts. I don’t know who I am and that my second job is making me a bitter person. I am much much more rude now. I dunno how it is possible to be this rude, but I found it. I am pretend nice and I think people now know that about me. I can see it in their body language. My co-workers just don’t like me. I think it may be because I don’t like them. Probably. They are good people, but it wan’t all my fault.

I need to leave. I am getting that same feeling that I had when I left and moved to Colorado. I need to go somewhere else.

My brain cannot work under this heated pressure. It never has been able to. The summer is hard. Although I am indoors, I always feel outdoors. Overheated, irritated, unable to concentrate…

If this 110 degree weather is not bad enough, my jobs are making me hate life. I am starting to just hate people. I even take it out on my boyfriend sometimes… I wonder if he knows… I hate people because they are either at a sucky job but have a great social life OR they have a bad social life but have a good job. I REALLY hate people who have it all.

I cannot think straight.

I just know that everything I am doing is wrong and I need to start feeling right.

This heat is unbearable.

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It Hurts More Than You Realize

[Ophelia] by Julia Margaret Cameron, British, born India, 1815 - 1879

What I feel on the inside…

When a simple question was asked, you responded too quickly. You responded with such certainty. It broke my heart so much that at first, I refused to believe your answer. I knew that you were not that type of person and so therefore, that wasn’t the real answer. But I gave that sure response some time to marinate. You meant that answer didn’t you? You really believe that… You will not be swayed nor persuaded. You, my comfort, my friend, my trust… said it too fast. You will not defend my feelings or my heartache. You just go on thinking that it is for the best. You just go on without me. It seems that you can persuade me but I can’t persuade you. It makes me feel lost and worthless. Like things in the world don’t matter. Like you don’t matter. You shouldn’t matter. It is only with you I feel this way. It is only you that can make me feel so badly. It is only you that I kept giving chances. It is you that I tried to be someone who… tried. I guess I don’t want to try anymore. You still brighten up my eyes when I think about you… that is something that will linger. It won’t be easy…

The Middle Finger

I am doing a lot of things that I said I wouldn’t do. I am doing things that would make my family unhappy. I am doing things that I didn’t think I would do…

Why am I doing them then?

 

I am doing them because I am naturally curious.

I am doing them to get the mystery taken away.

I am doing them to get rid of my poorly built wall.

I am doing them because I feel unhappy about the way my family has been treating me.

I am doing them to fit in and that seems weird but it makes me feel like I belong.

I am doing them because I want to have an opinion on them.

I am doing them so that I can get over the shame early on.

I am doing them because I really have no one to stop me…

 

There are some things that I haven’t been the most proud of… Like I still feel sad about them. There are some things that I cannot undo. There are things that I might keep doing after doing it once. There are some things that I hated the first time. They say that experimenting should be in college, but that wasn’t an option for me. I wasn’t that comfortable in college to experiment. But I am glad I am doing something now. I can always have a story for this later…

I Keep My Phone On Silent

A new day and a new feeling. I don’t know what to make of it and I don’t know how to make it go away. I am nervous and worried about myself. I am scatter-brained and tearful. I don’t know what to do or say. I just see the eyes pointing at me.

There are parts that make me happy. And there are parts that seem to rip my emotional core in two. I write this passage while droplets fall from my eyes.

They come and they communicate. It seems nonstop. I can’t relax. My mind is telling me that it is crashing. My eyes see a blurry past – a sad past with no future.

How can someone stand this? Is it lying if you want to tell someone something, but you don’t know how to tell them? How to convince them that they think you are something else?

I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what to do.