future

The Middle of a Horrible Thought

I have a decision to make.

It will not come lightly.

The decision must come soon.

I must be absolutely sure.

I go through ups and downs. I am tired. I am naive. I am losing thoughts and memory. I float due to my incompetence and ignorance. I am not that lazy. Yet, people who appear dumber, uglier and more displeasing than me walk through life with no problem. Why do I say shallow things? Because the world is tough. The world is a game of survival of the fittest and the world just needs one thing for you to be successful: Sureness.

The word itself seems like a normal word. It is not considered beautiful. It is not considered smart. It is not considered offensive. It is just a word.

I am looking for a brand. A personal brand for myself. A smart person told me that I needed to have a something in my personality that spoke to my actions. I need an organization. I need a goal. It is silly and selfish to just float through life with no impact on the world around you. From what I gather, the world needs me to do something. The world needs me to feel something.

I have broken ties with some of the things I have felt strongly about, because it was not something I was proud about. How can someone be proud of watching movies and TV shows and always forgetting the content? It is also not something to be proud of for yourself. I am looking for my niche.

“No one seems to get me.” “I don’t like other people.” “The world is getting too big for me.” “I am getting left behind.”

All fears.

Another smart person told me that I am too hard on myself. I have always wondered if that was a bad thing. I need to be hard on myself or some things in my life won’t get done. I have felt this way for a long time. I was just born this way.

How can I change this?

By doing. By feeling. By talking. By learning.

I look at my shoes in embarrassment because the answer is always so simple. The environment I am currently in, is just safe. I am learning nothing. I want to learn, but I feel like it’s too late. A brain fog comes over me and rains on my face saying, “You have become a mushy-brained forgetter. Stop it. If you try, you will fail.”  I know this is not true. But I listen to the wet demon.

My mind is split into all the ways that The Bell Jar split that poor girl. The fruit of all my dreams falls and rots at my feet. I just sit and watch.

When I was younger, I was more ferocious in telling myself that I would not end up this way. But years of sadness and indecisiveness have led me here. My one regret was going to school and not fighting for my own decisions hard enough. But I want to be someone with no regrets. This will never happen because I know if I had another chance, the same things might happen.

It is a waste of time to think of the past.

It is a waste of time to write of the past.

And yet, I continue.

 

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Energy of Worry

Current weight lost: 17 pounds

I am THIS CLOSE to my first 20 pound goal. All this hard work will come to fruition later when I finally can see that scale change to a number I have lost over a year ago. THREE MORE. Just THREE MORE. Hopefully I can lose it in 7 days. That way I can brag that I lost 20lbs in 2 months, but I should not pressure myself.

All this free time, I have been walking more. I surprise myself with short bursts of jogs/running while I am in the park. I have more energy. I feel lighter. I am making most of my meals. I am staying away from things that won’t benefit me. (Except TV) But THE WILL is there again. Action will come.

Sometimes I am hard on myself. Okay that was a lie. I am ALWAYS hard on myself. I am lost, but I know where to go. I make mistakes 90% of the time and that causes me to feel weak. I learn from mistakes, but I also like to rebel. I like taking risks. That is a part of me that won’t die. I like to drive fast. I like to do most things fast. It is why I cannot stick to most diets. Because a month is too long.

I don’t see the end of the tunnel through the journey because I am already rehearsing my victory speech. Words can only carry me for so long but actions are hard to do.

There is desperation to get a new job. After applying to so many jobs and hearing rejection or nothing back, it makes me feel worthless. They DO NOT know what a hard worker I can be. They DO NOT know me because they see my unpronounceable name and dismiss me. They DO NOT know that I am about being humble in my abilities and that bragging about myself does not come easy at all. And yet, I do not drop to their level. Why should I change my name? Why should I brag about things I didn’t do? Why should I tell them that my field has changed because of me because that is what they want to hear. Success is about building a core of people because of their personalities. My personality cannot just come out with my first encounter with you. It takes a while for me to access the situation and see how I need to handle others. Once I know, the work environment will be more productive because I will know who I am dealing with. That is how I am so needed by so many people. That is how I am respected by so many people. I will show you in the most subtle way. I am not the loudmouth that will just brag. Toxic people are just in so many high positions. There is no respect. I want to respect them, but I cannot. They learn nothing. Why should I?

And then the cycle keeps me out because of my name, my position and my personality.

I keep going.

Two-Weeks Notice & Life Lessons

I submitted my two weeks today for my second job.

I gathered myself and said that being unhappy was not gonna fly in 2018.

This year will be about self-healing. I cannot heal if I am unhappy every day.

I have proven that I am willing to change. But I know that I am no where NEAR where I need to be.

Where do I need to be? There is a willingness inside of me that has turned to stone over many many years. I need to chip away at the stone and find out all my potential.

I keep going back to the same place in my mind and I need to not go back anymore. I have always struggled with moving on. I keep finding myself living in the emotions of the past. The habit of the past. Not preventing them in any way. Not growing.

One of the things I learned in life is that if you don’t speak up, bad things will happen. If you don’t accept that government employees at the DMV have the right to be bad at their jobs and totally disrespect you, then it is okay to make a scene. I got what I needed that day despite their incompetence. If you see a baby lost and circling the front of a store, then it is okay to step in and take the kid to the front desk. If you forget a charge you made on a credit card or could have sworn that it was paid, then you can call up the company and have it fixed. If the car shop owner hangs up on you when you ask for the third time about a service that he was supposed to provide, but forgot, then it is okay to explore other avenues and get what you need done. That is knowing when the battle is over, but did not lose anything in the process.

Endless paperwork. Long days of a job that gives you exhaustion. Co-workers that don’t align to your standards of basic human concern. Friends that don’t ask about your life even though you were in their presence for two hours. New diet involving no carbs or sugar. New symptoms of a skin rash or a new color emerging on your body.

There will always be something. You just have to speak up.

It was against my nature because I was trained to observe and not react. The current people around me don’t care about success, but they always complain about not having money. I don’t see any personal success in anyone other than a select few. I like knowing that those who strive for more in a positive way are around me. But those who complain, don’t do anything about anything and are constantly negative will be around me for a while.

I got off topic. Not having this job is scary financially. But it can also be an opportunity. Writing. Exercise. Cooking. Those are my topic choices for the three-four hours of free time each day.

I want to live somewhere cold in the winter. I have decided this. Last time, I came back because I missed one of my friends. Now, I have a significant other to think about as well. But if I have to spend the summer boiling, that will make me unhappy. Watching TV and not doing anything else will make me unhappy. I would rather be the one to experience great things rather than watch someone on TV do it. I have seem different Travel Channel hosts travel to the same place, but I, myself have never gone.

I am trying. I know I have commentaries about people, but it all comes down to loneliness. I feel alone in my thoughts and ideas. There aren’t many people who want to be ambitious around me. There are no people who say, “Can I join you? I will do whatever it takes.” But instead there are people who say, “I can never do that! It’s not my thing.” I have dealt with this a lot. So much to the point where I give in and do what everyone else is doing.

I will try to treasure those who give a crap about me. Sometimes I give too much attention to those who don’t and I just hate life. I can’t help it. I will say that as you get older, that you care less about what other people think. Manoj Bhargava said it best when he said that he didn’t think anyone was doing anything right. People can only tell you the mistakes to be made but there really no formula to success. You watch people on Shark Tank only to see that the high tech product that they spent four-times their life-savings on is horrible. I want to apply this to other parts of my life as well. One of the reasons why Psychology didn’t work out for me was the fact that there were people who you had to depend on for their emotions, money, accolades, respect. (The research field) And I know that if I see people who have made poor choices over and over again, that I would get depressed quickly. (The clinical field) There is skill involved for both, but the patience or butt-kissing would be too much. Something that I could not do. AND YET I tell myself, that I should still pursue it. JUST BECAUSE I hold a degree in it. I am confused.

Money is something I hate. School is too much. I would like to go back to school but I am scared about being as unmotivated and a bad procrastinator as last time. There was no vision. I was following the pack. The weakest link on several occasions. I don’t even want to go back to UCLA because I did myself a great injustice there. I am literally still paying the price.

I am trying to work up the courage to go back again. ONLY ONE person has ever taken interest in this. When I told her an idea I had, unbeknownst to me, she researched it and gave me a print out to help me. I was so touched. There has been encouragement to stick to my Keto diet, but there has been no encouragement to my future. There have only been, “You should go back if you want a better job,” with no sense of direction. Now that I see this, it sounds like I just want someone to do the work for me. But in truth, I just want someone to be interested.

Never trust a guidance counselor. They are not interested in you.

From what I learned, you just gotta hustle. You gotta get your head in and call people out. You have to ask a million questions to get the right responses from people. Some people change their minds midway or you simply cannot trust what they have to say. I cannot tell you the unimaginable pain it is to be on the phone and they have to redirect you so much that they redirect you back to the first person you talked to. That is an example of a modern-day battle. You gotta grow courage and get some balls. People don’t care about you, because they care about themselves first. The government won’t tell you about special programs that can help you because they don’t want you to use them. That’s life.

How messed up is that?

Anyway, I am gonna do it. I am gonna apply to school again I am going back to community college, I decided. I am gonna try this computer science thing that I wanted to do 10 years ago.

I can do it.

This Fear…

One of the things that I have dealt with in my life has always been fear.

Fear is a stupid word. It can completely overtake your life if you are not brave enough.

In today’s context, fear has to do with the unknown. The unknown of getting a new job that I can financially support myself on. The unknown of self-improvement. Can I do everything that I want to do?

My boyfriend has a nice point of view on life. GET A HOBBY. It can be the stupidest hobby in the world. You can spray paint googly eyes and glue them on T-shirts.* I did not encourage myself for hobbies. I used to have hobbies but I lost them. Sounds silly but it is not the physical items that were lost, but it was a result of a time in my life where having a hobby meant getting a lower grade on an exam. There was no time to do the stuff that I wanted to do. Over time, my hobby became procrastination and procrastination was watching TV.

So I have come to the dumbest conclusion ever: I am scared to find a hobby I like. In some ways having a hobby meant failure in my past.

I listen to a podcast called “How I Built This.” It’s about how entrepreneurs started their businesses up from an idea. Not all of them believed that their idea would be a big deal, but a good amount of them did. For some, it started off as a hobby. For others, they knew that their idea was going to be huge. My boyfriend has told me that one should not aspire to do something because they should, but because they want to- gives them happiness. Truly words of wisdom. But there is this part of me that doesn’t believe it. It wants to say, “How the hell is buying googly eyes, spray painting over them and sticking them on T-shirts is gonna make any money at all?! Don’t waste your time!” But the point is not to make money, but to be happy. Some day, I would like to be the boss of something. I would like to be a boss of a company or boss of a signature idea. I just want to leave something behind that people might enjoy or make people happy. Society does not appreciate all types of artistic visions. That is a very disheartening thing to hear. There will always be critics. There will always be people who say that you are an idiot. A nightmare indeed. My ideas WANT to be bigger than myself. They CRAVE to be bigger than myself. It is not a matter of doing something only for myself. My brain wants to do something for somebody and then get the recognition that it deserves for that same thing. Something that somebody said that I mattered in some way. It seems like a negative point of view doesn’t it? It doesn’t seem right. But that’s my unique brain.

So what does this all mean? If we go back to the idea of fear, it means that fear of failure is inevitable no matter what I do. But it matters WHY I do something. If I do it to be happy, then I will succeed. If I do it to gain recognition then I will fail. But how do I change my mind to get around all of this bullshit?

Unfortunately, it is a simple answer: Just do it and see what happens.

There are a million things that I can do in this world. The world will always say that I will not have enough experience on my resume, the world will tell me that my name is hard to pronounce, the world will tell me that I look unattractive and unhealthy, the world will tell me that I am not coherent or smart enough to understand many things, the world will break my heart in two – but as long as I am doing something that matters, with the utmost passion I can put into it, then I will have a place where I can live with no regrets, no sadness, no more failed New Year’s Resolutions and no more fear…

Look down and you will only see the ground. Look up and you will see the changing sky.

I want to look up.

 

*Example of a totally useless, totally unique hobby someone other than me might enjoy.

Distracted

I cannot focus on my job today. I spent most of the day goofing off on a game on my phone. Even now, I am currently wasting company time writing. I don’t mind. I guess I am having an anti-self-regulatory day. I am cool with it. I got work to do but I can’t find the motivation in order to do it. I guess I am feeling passion for other things. The game I am playing on my phone is fun. It’s a puzzle I want to solve over and over again. I may be slow, but I am happy when I get that accomplished goal.

The other day I was thinking. Thinking about my future for the first time in a long time. Due to my current change in living arrangements, I have been feeling better. I was thinking that I was wasting my time as the Social Worker in an Adult Day Care… I am underpaid, tired and don’t love the work. And I really don’t like my second job as a Behavioral Tech even though I get paid more, but have less hours. I dread that job more because I have to deal with difficult kids.

A part of me thinks that I am just not suited to take care of people. To order them around and make them do things I would hate doing if someone told me. I guess… I just want freedom in my work. Freedom of expression and being as precise as possible. One of the reasons why I couldn’t do Psych anymore was because I started to hate people more and more. I didn’t like interacting with them, I didn’t like giving them advice and I didn’t like talking them through sadness. Even the research part was almost repulsive after graduation. It was like I had to schmooze my way to the top. I hate schmoozing. I loathe the idea of being an open person all the time and being kind to people who I hate or who were full of themselves. I feel like the world is changing when it comes to that though. I hear stories of people coming together and making something amazing and who are happy doing it. I like to be a part making amazing stuff, but my kind of stuff. I would need to change how a machine operates in order for me to work with it. Sometimes you are not allowed to do that. Sometimes you just have to deal with people who don’t share your vision, your voice, your process or your fucking texting habits. (Excuse the F-bomb but I am sick of people having horrible texting vocab, mean comments or rude timing)

I don’t wish for people to be like me. I like thinking the way I think sometimes. I wish I was sharper and had a bigger vocabulary but I think I am doing fine.

Take that test. Because you knew how to take our test you are one of us. (load of bulllll)

I don’t know what being smart is. I have never known. I think that some people are smarter than others, but in certain settings. There are dense people and their are open people. I can be dense and I can be open. It’s like a valve I cannot control. It’s just a mind game that my brain likes to play with me. Past experience says you shouldn’t do this: I do it anyway. Future notice!: You should’ve read the instructions beforehand so that will never happen again!: I will not read the instructions if I don’t want to. See? My brain is “special.”

So in conclusion and going back to what I was writing in the beginning. I may start a career in Tech. No people to take care of, but management skills are something I am open to working more on. (As long as I don’t see any crazy people)

P.S. If ending with a preposition is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

Confusing Happiness With Love?

I recently had an amazing experience with a guy. My first relationship ever. We had just gone on our third date together… and then he told me that he loved me…

Do I love him as much as he loves me? I repeated that I loved him back but I wonder if this is all going too fast… I have strong feelings for him, for sure, but I am wondering if I am just too insecure to tell him that I feel a little different.

I mean, I am the type that GROWS love for a person instead of just feel it right away.

I feel….

  • too inexperienced
  • too naive
  • too weak
  • too blind
  • too scared
  • too different
  • too worried
  • too scandalous
  • too confused
  • too nervous
  • too greedy
  • too selfish
  • too sensitive
  • too curious
  • too second-guessing
  • too horrible
  • too… loved… Is that a bad thing?

I am a wreck of emotions right now. I take time to think things over and I have thought it all over about what happened last night. What if we are different people hidden in a mask of googly-eyed love? He has already talked about marriage… I don’t want him proposing to me after a month… I need to take hold of the reigns here before it is too late…

-The Human Girl

 

P.S. What is it about me that makes him so into me? :/

Right Around

It pulls tight. I cannot tell who has done this.

It feels scratchy and still. Strong in weight.

It is the option that no one wants to hear.

A feeling of death and vagrant justice.

When there are no more roads that can be traveled,

When there is no future to the present.

This moment that needs to happen.

Are you ready?

It will hurt. And you know it well.

This is not a trust exercise, but a mortality question.

Who are you to be alive and who are you to be dead?

Toes ache with pain, putting immense strain tiptoeing,

Who in my life- our life – that stands in the way?

From my happiness. My everything. That blockade.

Are you prepared?

I know that it is the right thing. The only thing.

Is this what should happen? No.

But my body craves silence. Craves an end to a whirlwind.

It doesn’t recognize the settled dust for what it is.

It creates new dust, new mess, new things to clean up.

I am tired, I guess.

Just let it come to an end.

 

Superficial Likeness

It’s the surface,

It gleams and shines,

It doesn’t explain quality,

It’s just words that you know,

Feeling that you felt,

A place you’ve been,

A thought you processed.

You know that you are capable,

That you are a good enough person,

But the world just wants you to be bold,

So bold that you are almost a different person.

You succeed, you worry, you sweat, you love,

But you fail sometimes.

That’s life. It doesn’t mean you are done,

It means that you need more strength,

More practice, more support, more love.

It is superficial that the world cannot tell you otherwise.

That if it was easy versus if it was given to you.

The kindest people are often the most talented.

In what field, I do not know.

A Woman Coiled

Finished reading The Bell Jar.

Finished reading The Bell Jar.

Confused. Impatient. Unintelligible. I run around and around in my head wondering where I will go and where I will stop. If not stop, then explode. I know myself and if I am right, then I will explode at any moment. I can feel is winding me tighter and tighter. The effort is strenuous and tiresome. Perhaps the full weight of an average adult body is not enough. A blue whale is a better gauge of weight that I feel is keeping me twisted out of human form. I cannot breathe on some days because the heaviness that I feel on my chest. This imperfect form of bad decisions their consequences. Fear and loneliness. Aggression and hate. Swirled together in a vat in my own skin just waiting to burst. But the scary part is that it never does. I can somehow take the ravages of my coiled self. I can take the pressure and possibly the pain. I can take it all. I am a woman coiled. I am not a snake or a metal spring or a demon figure. I know that depressurizing that coil is recipe for a a detailed mess and I am aware of the clean up procedures. It is one thing to know the procedures and another to follow them. The coil gets worse when I mention rules and regulations. Not the typical noise of the law of the land, but the moral laws of human decency and of religious worry. The unspoken laws. The varied laws. The abstract laws. The laws that are still important enough to die for. Strained and contemporary laws. The laws that give hushed voices a name. I cannot control their power over me. Their uncertain strength is too unrecognizable. I cannot be that keen to knowing everything and that is why I know nothing. Inexperienced and lonely in my own group. Unvaried and questioning. The swirl repeats again. Uncut and smooth it goes. Crushing me, making me smaller and smaller with unknown certainty of where my limit will expose itself. Why do I think that it is a spiral of downward activity? Why can’t I change the trajectory towards the sky? But, then again, who has heard of blue whales swimming in the sky?