funny

A One-Sided Conversation With Myself

Every day is a struggle to find meaning and happiness in my life. A STRUGGLE. It does not mean that I actually do something about it, but just the opposite. I sometimes wonder why I am an idiot, TV addict. I was told by a stranger whom I respect that I just have to meditate on me. That’s dumb. I have psychoanalyzed the shit out out my mind and body as well as the people I know. Why should I just sit around and think some more? My main problem is just DOING. I don’t know how to DO. I don’t know if I ever did.

What incites my passion?

I like writing. But I am not as good at it as I would like to believe. Hell, I just taught myself to type properly only recently.

Get better.

What is this voice in my head that just said that? Oh yeah, THAT voice. That voice is dumb.

Psychology was never your passion. 

There is that voice again… Damn voice. You harsh. If you don’t already know, I have a B.A. in Psychology.

You love food to the point of an unhealthy obsession.

I know I know. Pick on the person who sleeps right after eating. I person willing to eat until she becomes broke.

Technology is interesting, but you are not logical enough nor willing to put in the hours to pursue it. 

This voice is saying things that make me upset. I have been seriously considering to learn to code. Why are you saying that? What happened to “Get better.”

You basically live in front of a screen watching your life away. To you, it is your happiness. 

No argument there.

What does food, TV and writing have in common?

Ugh. I am not gonna be an Anthony Bourdain, okay? I don’t give a shit about being a travel/food blogger. I don’t even like reviewing things on Yelp. How are these things supposed to set me on a path to a future? This voice does not know that I am an artsy person who thinks that getting into the arts will be horrible.

Will it? Or can you find another way other than the black and white way that you just described?

Uh… I am not sure…

You can still pursue anything other than modeling or sports, which you don’t want to do. Neuroplasticity is alive and well in your mind. You can easily go and pursue anything you have started but haven’t finished. I am just trying to guide your mind and passions. 

Yeah yeah. Save me the story, voice in my head. Dude I am just screwed up. I washed out Millennial with a semi-respectable job who refuses to believe that Human Resources is a college major. (I just thought that shit was learned on the job) I refuse to believe that there are jobs that required a college education in the past that are entry-level anyway. Hell, even the job I have now seems like any person eager for a job can do it. ANYONE. But I needed a degree for this shit. Colleges just seem like half of the on-the-job-training that I receive anyway. NO ONE knows what they really need to do and yet, the person with the flair, connections, extroverted personality and “relevant” degrees are the most valuable/most desirable people to hire.

We seem to have gotten off topic. What does TheHumanGirl want? 

I want a job that I can live off of that I can also be happy with doing. I want to be happy and not worry about money all that much. But here YOU ARE telling me to pursue an artsy fartsy passion that I KNOW will just make me a Millennial loser cliche. The jobs I have now at least pay my bills.

You need to be happy first. 

I know…

 

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Can You Pretend To Give A Set?

Pretend to give a speech. Now pretend that it has to be funny and make people laugh. Make people think a little bit. Make them like you more and more. Make them see that you are more than a person wanting their attention. Teach them about something that they have never experienced. Capture their eyes and make them see what you see. Have them feel the same feelings as you. Does it smell like garbage? Can you describe how you touched that animal? It depends on you. On how you can tell that story in a funny way or with a humorous surprise in the end. Was it something crazy that happened to you? Was it so bizarre that you swear that you are the only one in the world who has ever faced this problem? Either way, it must make them laugh and must make you a sweatless storyteller.

P.S. Since I was the only one in the office today, I tried to give a stand up comedy set. I ended up comparing my dislike of hiking with sexual intercourse. It was not great. But it wasn’t that bad either. haha. Those people who can do it are really brave and organized in their thoughts. I was all over the place and acted like a weird valley girl trying to be cool.

P.S.S. I do weird things like this all the time.

Starbucks: A Human Chew Toy Story

Best chew stick ever.

Best chew stick ever.

Another drink. Another payment. Another fix. I knew that it would be bad to continue this habit- both for my wallet and my caffeine intolerance. But I continue anyway.

Those magnificent green sticks that stop hot liquid from escaping from the cups. Splash sticks, green stoppers, plastic plugs, green whatchamacallits, swizzle stick-stoppers, green plungers, special plugs, anti-escape liquid devices, plastic miracles… all acceptable names for it. (Don’t they all sound like sex toys?) My nickname is “the human chew toy” because I LOVE to chew on it.

Better than gum. Better than last night’s over-cooked steak. Better than the stickiest taffy you have ever had. Better than the actual Starbucks coffee. It is a miracle piece of BPA-filled plastic that satiates the mouth and curves with the white-colored cavity fillings on your teeth. It is almost useless anyway once your hot beverage has reached a certain level of emptiness. What a waste! Why not take the tip of this plastic wonder and move it back and forth against your teeth? Clickity, clack. Clickity, clack. Clickity, clack. Ahh… sweet, soothing sounds… but that is just the first step. Have you ever finished your hot, caffeinated beverage and thought, “Man… My mouth feel dry and I need some water. I don’t want to be dehydrated anyway.” But, alas!  You forgot to order a bright crystal Starbucks cup filled with ice-cold water! Have no fear! Don’t cry in your driver’s seat, fellow addicted citizen! That is what this spectacular green chew toy is for! After the first step of the emanating sounds of the green splash stick satisfyingly click your at your teeth, you are ready for it to touch your tongue! Feel the flat circular end of the splash stick gently cut between your newly dry taste buds. Feel the foreign object remind you of when you were a toddler when your parents screamed at you to remove a plastic toy from your mouth. Reminisce of your childhood vulgarities and smile that mean child’s smile that says, “I don’t give a shit about the germs in my mouth.” Then once you have reached that former Piaget child development stage that you suppress every day: chew, my friend. Chew that pliable green stick. Now, there are no rules to this. Some chew hard, and some hardly chew at all. The key is to chew enough to make you salivate. Oh my! That dried up tongue stained of coffee or tea will delight immediately! That fresh coat of your own spit and/or acidic bile will please the man or woman that chews at this [probably chemically-filled] stick. The green dye starts to fade to a lighter green due to the bending and munching. This is a happy sign for any human. But alas, there is an end to the madness. Friends, parents and co-workers alike might question your ravenous habit on the misshapen green toy. They might give you stares and ask why it has been in your mouth all day. Ignore these people. Have the green stick make you feel like a farmer with a blade of wheat hanging from your mouth reminding you of simpler times of human existence. Or perhaps a gangster with a joint that makes you feel like a badass. When you feel like it is time to rid of your chew toy, do it out of respect for the fallen green sticks everywhere. Throw it away when you start to choke from your excess saliva. Or it starts to displease your partner at your brother’s black tie charity ball. Or if you are just feeling like you need your mouth back to do normal mouth things. (Such as speaking without a lisp or eating solid foods) Just make sure to give your little splash stick a respectful goodbye by imparting a longing “thank you” stare before dropping it gently over your week old bananas and expensive coffee grounds your friend made you buy at that farmers market. Goodbye, my chew toy.

An addiction of happiness. An addiction of serenity. An addiction to Starbucks splash sticks.

P.S. Thanks Internet for letting me steal your dated ideas on what you call the splash sticks. Thank you brain for being addicted enough to Starbucks for inspiring me to make this VERY REAL blog post…

P.S.S. I am not condoning any theft of the splash sticks. Don’t steal away someone else’s primitive happiness in this cruel world that we are forced to live in.

P.S.S.S. Not for children. ANY OF THIS.

Him I Knew

I knew him. The way that some animals know where to migrate to in the winter. It was like a happy repetitive dream that I could enjoy every night. One that gives you a warmness in your heart. A safe dream that would get exciting when things seemed to speed up. He helped me take it into account- my life, that is.

(more…)

Deja Vu

Familiar Winding Road

They were all around. Familiar beings. Familiar conversations. Familiar laughs. I didn’t know how else to act and speak other than how I was familiar. Why should I change? It works, doesn’t it? I sometimes wonder what I would have to do to change how they see me. What would it take for me to jump into their minds and see the real them? What would it take to have easy access to their fears, comforts and desires? How can I unlock their true opinions and queasy hearts? The surface. I will only ever scratch the surface no matter what shovel, excavator, or steel drill I use.

There are topics of discussion where I am quiet and don’t participate. Topics that don’t include me. Topics that might bring fuzzy memories, sadness or exclude me altogether. Topics that I have no control over. Topics that must be changed or I will pull out my hair and scream. I am done listening. I am finished with your dumb-ass ideas and childlike thinking. You border stupid and selfish right now. You only look away. I am still sitting here. I am still part of this group.

So I speak. I speak the only way I can in order to acquire attention from these people. These people who seem to have no deep emotional understanding whatsoever. I also scratch the surface. Tit-for-tat. I make fun of it. I make them laugh with silly jokes. I make them understand that I don’t speak their whispered language. I become bold and outgoing. I switch it on when I can, and this is one of the few moments when it is possible. Just for them. I still don’t feel like we can ever be more than how stupid my jokes are.

I can’t trust them. I can’t trust them because they don’t trust me. I only receive second-hand information anyway. Why am I even a part of this? What is the purpose of knowing someone for so long if they have never confided in you? Who had ever told you a secret that made yourself feel less alone in the world? Gossip doesn’t count. Gossip is surface. Gossip is deja vu.

But I know them better. I know them to have always been this way. I know that even though the surface is all it is, it might be a blessing in disguise. I don’t need to worry about them. I don’t need to wonder if I hurt their feelings. I don’t need to feel bad for too long if they annoyed or hurt me in such a way. They will always be there. And even though they will not always be there for me, I know people who will. It’s not a loss as much as I think it is, but it’s also not a win. Instead, it’s a silence that befalls me. A spectator to their spectacle. One day I will be a part of it. One day my past with them won’t dictate my future with them. One day we will all be close but in a different way. Our futures bonded by hope, admiration and depth of understanding of one another, instead of ancient past encounters. A part of me fears that it won’t ever happen, but I choose the optimistic path.