colorado

We Are the Heroes of Our Time…

Grand Canyon Sunset

Grand Canyon at sunset.

With the state of my uncertainty and anxiety towards the future I am reminded every day that there are possibilities. I quit my last job and I am starting a new job soon. I am unsure about this new job. Why waste my time with something that I am not one-hundred percent excited about? (Or at least 70%) Then it hit me, I was doing it for the money. An unspeakable disgrace to my personal beliefs. I grew up with the mindset of doing anything that I set my mind to, BUT I am just not sure where to begin. I am unsure about where my best lies. I haven’t tried any avenues for career exploration, self-improvement or even sticking to a job for a year. “Hey thehumangirl, where is your life going? Where will you live? What will you do for work?” I answer, “To be a hobo.” Because that is where I will end up if I don’t get it together. And by “it” I mean “passion for life and study.” I have learned things here in Colorado working at my sad retail job. I have also learned many things about myself as well as the other “humans” that I have been ignoring for so long.

RANT: I have learned that I just don’t like people. That’s that. People lie a lot and take their anger and annoyance out on you and all you have to do is to keep smiling. But I have also learned that those who smile are the weakest. They smile because they are told to. These smiley people who obey so blindly are just pawns who will never become more than followers. Then the leaders become dicks even though they were not dicks before they were leaders. END (ILLOGICAL) RANT.

No, but seriously, I wasn’t learning much in retail other than to be an adequate robot. I don’t think that’s what I want out of life. I want to lead in some way. But at this sad retail job, I wasn’t learning anything anymore. Stagnant. I felt the time ticking away. I saw myself as someone who would be there for too long, going home to a small apartment and watching expensive television up until bed. Useless future. This was not my plan for life. But then what is? What is this new job? Will it turn out the same? Probably. I have no passion for it other than the potential of it making me a lot of money so THEN I can start my purposeful life. Buuut… does that mean I should take a short cut and cut out this unexciting new job and fill it with experience for the later stuff?

I don’t know if I should take this other job. I want to go back to school and study for the real stuff… The “real stuff” being something that I actually WANT to do. However, I am torn as I want to do many, many things. But I know that I can’t be indecisive anymore. I MUST CHOOSE. It will be the hardest decision of my life. The MOST impacting. The most permanent. (Maybe not that, but something that lasts for a long time…) And it has been something that I have been struggling with for so long. Life is confusing.

-The Human Girl

P.S. In case you didn’t know, the title of this blog is a title of a song from the winner of the most recent Eurovision Song Contest, Mans Zelmerlow. I don’t know why I like this song so much…

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Introspection

What is the meaning of life?

What a dumb question. The meaning of life is being a good person by doing good things and making sure happiness for yourself and those around you is constant. Religion, philosophy, some ethics and extremists of any kind will try to add to this – a.k.a MY answer to the meaning of life. For all I know the book Angels and Demons by Dan Brown had answered it beautifully without answering it at all. We all get caught up in our own human drama and that it is not like we can’t learn a different way to love and accept one another. Anyway, search over. A new kind of search is selfish now. Less so about the entire human race, but about a single person. In the end, THE question doesn’t generalize itself, but becomes about what is the meaning of my life?

I am writing with a gas fireplace on and a blizzard going on outside. Visibility looks horrible. I can see my car outside collecting the first few inches of snow. I cringe at the thought that I have to brush it all off tomorrow. But… I asked for this. It wasn’t anywhere NEAR like this living in California. In my “Cold Anticipation” blog from a while ago, I discuss that I came here because I felt too hot in heart/mind and that the California sun only made me worse. That was true. But has moving here really made me feel any better? I love the cold and there are moments that I just want to walk right into that blizzard outside and stay there. But I hesitate. I hesitate to try it. I hesitate to open that door and see if I can handle it. After all, it is a dumb idea. So to answer my own question, no, I am not totally happy, but I feel a tiny bit more happy here. But my hesitation plays a role. The fact that I still carry California plates on my car is a big tell about how I am feeling. I feel as though I can move back at any moment. And according to many others in my circle, I SHOULD move back. My cousin asked me why I came to Colorado. He tells me that it was not his interest but mostly his mother’s interest. Why I had left my whole life behind to come to a different state and work a low paying job at a major retailer? Was it worry? Concern? He was the first to really be so interested without pushing that I get a better job/life plan. There are three reasons why I left California. Three reasons that make me feel depressed year-round. None of the reasons deal with work, or school, or money. I feel like no one will ever know all three. I don’t understand them myself. Were they good reasons? Maybe…

I do wish that I had someone to share this with. I wish I had someone to share my Colorado experience. Like it feels wasted on me that I do so little. I get tips all the time at work but I never get a chance to do them because I didn’t want to do it alone. Imagine showing up at a popular restaurant and getting a table for one. I see movies alone but I will not go out to eat alone. There is so much to do and see and I here I am huddling in my cave.

If my family is right about something, it is about finding another job. My current job made me unhappy today. Just out of the blue. Took me by surprise.

I freeze in this snowy blizzard. I will freeze in place and time…