career

A One-Sided Conversation With Myself

Every day is a struggle to find meaning and happiness in my life. A STRUGGLE. It does not mean that I actually do something about it, but just the opposite. I sometimes wonder why I am an idiot, TV addict. I was told by a stranger whom I respect that I just have to meditate on me. That’s dumb. I have psychoanalyzed the shit out out my mind and body as well as the people I know. Why should I just sit around and think some more? My main problem is just DOING. I don’t know how to DO. I don’t know if I ever did.

What incites my passion?

I like writing. But I am not as good at it as I would like to believe. Hell, I just taught myself to type properly only recently.

Get better.

What is this voice in my head that just said that? Oh yeah, THAT voice. That voice is dumb.

Psychology was never your passion. 

There is that voice again… Damn voice. You harsh. If you don’t already know, I have a B.A. in Psychology.

You love food to the point of an unhealthy obsession.

I know I know. Pick on the person who sleeps right after eating. I person willing to eat until she becomes broke.

Technology is interesting, but you are not logical enough nor willing to put in the hours to pursue it. 

This voice is saying things that make me upset. I have been seriously considering to learn to code. Why are you saying that? What happened to “Get better.”

You basically live in front of a screen watching your life away. To you, it is your happiness. 

No argument there.

What does food, TV and writing have in common?

Ugh. I am not gonna be an Anthony Bourdain, okay? I don’t give a shit about being a travel/food blogger. I don’t even like reviewing things on Yelp. How are these things supposed to set me on a path to a future? This voice does not know that I am an artsy person who thinks that getting into the arts will be horrible.

Will it? Or can you find another way other than the black and white way that you just described?

Uh… I am not sure…

You can still pursue anything other than modeling or sports, which you don’t want to do. Neuroplasticity is alive and well in your mind. You can easily go and pursue anything you have started but haven’t finished. I am just trying to guide your mind and passions. 

Yeah yeah. Save me the story, voice in my head. Dude I am just screwed up. I washed out Millennial with a semi-respectable job who refuses to believe that Human Resources is a college major. (I just thought that shit was learned on the job) I refuse to believe that there are jobs that required a college education in the past that are entry-level anyway. Hell, even the job I have now seems like any person eager for a job can do it. ANYONE. But I needed a degree for this shit. Colleges just seem like half of the on-the-job-training that I receive anyway. NO ONE knows what they really need to do and yet, the person with the flair, connections, extroverted personality and “relevant” degrees are the most valuable/most desirable people to hire.

We seem to have gotten off topic. What does TheHumanGirl want? 

I want a job that I can live off of that I can also be happy with doing. I want to be happy and not worry about money all that much. But here YOU ARE telling me to pursue an artsy fartsy passion that I KNOW will just make me a Millennial loser cliche. The jobs I have now at least pay my bills.

You need to be happy first. 

I know…

 

“Things I Know” (Part 1 of …)

Career Testing

Discover

My results. Took 2 hours to take test and to score it.

Today I took a career test. (One of many I have taken in my lifetime.) I went to Barnes & Noble a week or two ago and got this work book that claimed to help direct me towards my future. It’s called Discover What You’re Best At. I was waiting for the perfect time to take this comprehensive test and it finally happened today…

Sadly, I was a High Average in the fields of Business, Clerical, Logic and Mechanical tests. I was Low Average in the Numerical test. (Surprise! I can’t do percentages!) The only one that stood out at a Well Above Average score was my Social test.

I was upset because it was so razor thin of a margin (this test also counts for error) and that I could not really qualify for the 2 or 3 letter clusters offered since only my S stood out.(Does this sound like gibberish to you yet?) Oh well… On to the more interesting part of my blog today:

Here are a List of Reasons why I took this test:

  1. Throwing away money for a test to help me solidify a sense of seriousness about my future
  2. It has been a while since I took a test and I thought that I would see some sort of growth.
  3. I had a bunch of time on my hands.

List of Realizations after I took this test:

  1. I wonder if the answer is skewed because I have a degree in psych.
  2. I felt like throwing the book across the room because of #1 and hating myself for being bad with money
  3. I don’t HAVE to listen to the guidance… but I made a promise to myself that I would do whatever is the highest and on my personal career list if listed…

And because of #3 on my Realizations List, I am going to do it…

P.S. Personal Trainer was listed as a graduate degree option in my ‘S’ type… WTF??? DO many personal trainers need to go to grad school? Why hasn’t the world blown up with this type of scary information? Go home career test. You are drunk…


The Carl Jung’s and Isabel Briggs Myers’ personality test…. 

20160510_235010

I hate these scores. Such low percentages…

Yay! Another test! While applying for jobs, I was told to take this test before submitting a project. I didn’t get the job, (despite putting in long hours for the project) but it was the first time that someone wanted me to take a personality test for a job.

To be honest, I didn’t give a shit about it at first. I took this test before and got ISFJ or something like that, so I seemed to have had a more upgraded personality from a few years ago. (That is, if I took the test right the first time…) But for the sake of my career, I thought that it may be important to know the career options for an INFJ personality.

The FIRST one that came up on google was “Clinical Psychologist.”

Let me start by saying that I hate fate because that was what I was in school for… Now this test is telling me that my brain is broken and I should go back and complete a PhD in Psych already…


Conclusions

Cross-Referencing my INFJ personality with my S Cluster Career Suggestions (And all other 3-part career clusters that I decided mattered with an S and/or a M,L,C,B in it), I found a list of careers that is suitable for me:

  • Clinical Psychologist
  • Social Worker
  • School/Guidance Counselor
  • Educational Psychologist
  • Writer
  • Animator/Cartoonist
  • Graphic Designer
  • Librarian
  • HR Manager/Advisor
  • Industrial/Organizational Psychologist
  • Research Assistant
  • Engineering Psychologist
  • Executive Secretary
  • Virtual Assistant

Before this, I was ready to go into computer science. Now I know that that is probably not for me… Seems like any science is a no no here… Doesn’t mean I will never be interested, but maybe I should just stop fucking around and do clinical psych already… Seems that I will be best at it.

The End to everything that I know?

 

 

**** UPDATE****

6/1/16 – I returned the book.

Cold Anticipation

As I look out my window, I see a colorful display of sun playing on a suburban desert. My room has a brilliant view of the city because of the small hill it’s located on. The brightness of the day is enough to remind you of the hottest temperatures humans can endure. Aside from that, the lack of lawns that exist are almost striking. Water is precious. I can see cars slowly pile in and out of my neighborhood community. There are people jogging along the main street in the evenings and cars speeding both ways. A hustle that I have been no longer deprived of. I can see many parts of the city, from shopping malls to the superior court. I look out my window and a flood of possibility overcomes me. As if I am millionaire looking down on my company’s busy office floor. The feeling comes and goes as soon as I inspect the landscape further. On a rare cloudy day, you can see the windmills sprinkled on the mountains about twenty-five miles north when the sun’s glare isn’t a problem. But alas, I have been craving the opposite from a clear view such as this. Cold temperatures. Cloudy days. Heavy clothing. It seems like every year the heat stays longer and longer. I can’t remember the last time I wore my discount, over-sized Avenged Sevenfold sweater feeling cozy after a good layering. These feelings are simple and many people would be depressed about living under clouds and cold. But not me. I feel warmer when I am cold. But not in the typical sense. I feel as though I can get through anything if I can get through the cold. When I breathe in cold air, I feel like it is fresh and clean, unlike hot air which smells of sweat and a sticky cough. There really is no right way to describe hot air other than the use of unpleasant nouns. I like everything about the cold including the concern people fuss over it. They seem to care more if you are too cold than if you are too hot. (And I’m not talking about sickness.) Cold is slow as hot is fast. I’ve been living in a heatwave all my life. It’s time to slow it down a bit. Slow to my commitments. Slow to my sadness. Slow to my anxiety. Slow to my anger. Slow to my love. Slow to my thinking. I do that better knowing that I can be cold alone. Cozy in my decisions about my future. To be able to hug it all and accept that I am the only one who can warm me up. No amount of external heat can achieve this. It is easier to become warm than to become cool. While you must be cold on the outside, you must be warm on the inside. Vice versa applies to hot weather. Who wants a cold heart anyway? I once wrote a story about a young man who went to the snowy north and walked around in nothing other than jeans and a t-shirt. As he clutched his arms for warmth, he thought about the tragic Thanksgiving dinner when he was a child when his pregnant mother was suicide-killed by his father in front of him. He always preferred the cold, maybe not because the cold heightened his depressed thoughts but rather cleared them up. Walking through the snow, the icy water, was a sort of cleansing effect for him. He wasn’t suicidal and didn’t want to freeze to death, but melt some of the excess burning rage, grief and tireless love that he needed to let go of. A body capable of producing too much warmth needs to be cooled down from time to time. That story has always stuck with me because it was a feeling that I could put into words. That I understood to my core. Sometimes at boring family gatherings, I pop out for a bit into the winter weather- away from the heat of numerous bodies. I can be alone with my thoughts. Alone with myself and wish that no one join me or discover me by accident. Away from them. Away from the heat that can overpower me and my feelings. (more…)

Pick One

I pictured myself a little stronger than this, a little more put together but being jobless and confused is taking a toll on me.

All the jobs in my life that I have seriously considered: (Starting at age 7)

  • Being a “sivil enjineer” like my dad
  • Being a world traveler in my barbie-themed battery-operated car (car broke after a week)
  • Being Link from the Legend of Zelda
  • Being Princess Zelda from the Legend of Zelda
  • Being the person that swam with killer whales at Sea World
  • Being a professional martial artist
  • Being a professional tennis player
  • Being a professional Pokemon master and live off of my backpack for the rest of my life
  • Being an archaeologist like that one character in ‘Paper Mario’
  • Being a director of an all-girl middle/high school (plans drawn up and everything)
  • Being a professional warrior/spy/agent
  • Being a movie director
  • Being a published author
  • Being a computer science person (just in general I guess)
  • Being a professional television script writer
  • Being a doctor
  • Being a cartoonist
  • Being a computer programmer 
  • Being a psychologist
  • Being a genetic counselor
  • Being a secretary… 

You can do anything. You can have many interests. But I believe that you must nurture those interests in order to make anything come out of it. Some of the jobs above could have repeated themselves, but I decided to leave it out because I couldn’t tell when it exactly happened. I wasn’t able to do some of the sports I wanted because I was told that they were “too dangerous” and that made me really upset. It’s funny how I look at this and think, “Man. I didn’t put that much time or effort into being any of these things!” And it’s true. My heart wasn’t in a lot of them. So what is the next step for me? I don’t know. All this time, I thought that inspiration would strike me as hard as it did when I first was passionate about any of the jobs listed above. Like: “I want to be THAT!” And then go do it. After high school ended, a bunch of friends and me went to a park. After telling them about the confusion over my future, one of them told me to pick one of the choices out of a hat. Although not on this list because I probably put it in there for money reasons, I chose, “business person.” And I guess I should have stuck with that, but it never held in my mind long enough. 

And why do I have to only choose one? Oh right, because choosing more than one has gotten me to this unfiltered wasteland of mental woe. Whenever I choose just one, I start to hate it. I think of the other things that I want to be doing. 

But after a certain amount of time and life experience, this all just feels like an excuse. Excuses I shouldn’t be making. Excuses that lessen me as a member of society. So yeah. If I had to choose just one, I would choose the one that never seemed like a real decision, only a natural choice: which is becoming a Pokemon master and live off my backpack for the rest of my life… A.K.A.: A crazy, hoarder bum…. Think Into the Wild meets Monk… that would be me. Ahhh… yes… bliss…

Aaaaand now I hate it…

The job search continues….