Where is it?

I can’t find the happiness. I have officially completed a milestone set on my Warren Buffett list. In the past two months, I have lost 20 pounds. Today was my official weigh-in but I have had this knowledge for the past two days.

But, where is the happiness I should be feeling?

I have done something that most would consider to be an accomplishment. But I am not happy. I see the changes clearly. I feel the changes daily. But I have a long way to go. The fact that I was physically able to gain 20 pounds in a month two years ago says that I cannot control myself. I am unable to put my sadness or disappointment into a healthy outlet. Stress has also been a factor in weight gain this past year. It wasn’t as quick but it affected me just as poorly.

I am not saying that I am in any of these positions. In fact, I am no longer full of stress. However, there are the days where I feel like the weight loss journey is not going as fast as I would like it to and that itself depresses me. To lose so much weight and still only look slightly different is heartbreaking sometimes. I keep going though.

I have a lot of encouragement around me. I do not like talking about it with my family because I don’t like answering their questions, but I am more open with close friends. My family doesn’t have the best track record with encouraging me or trying to help me in the past. So I associate them with bad memories. There is one memory of me starting out on a diet in High School and my mom comes in and out of nowhere starts telling me that I was fat and I needed to lose weight. I was more sensitive back then and I was more full of anger. For me, that of all times to talk to me, it had to be when I was just starting out and struggling. It was upsetting. She didn’t even offer to help me, just berated me for being fat. Sometimes I feel like thoughts like that are what helped me become a spoiled American kid.

Today, my family knows I am on Keto. I don’t think they know what it is, but they congratulate me on my visible weight loss. I just accept that from them. It’s not negative and as long as they don’t ask me questions that I cannot emotionally handle coming from them, I am okay.

Anyway, back to the title question: “Where is it?” The milestone is important to me, but it means that I am one-fifth of the way there. There is still so much that I need to do.

What is there to do? Well, I need to exercise more. I have indeed seen a pattern in my weight loss trend. I don’t lose anything every other week or so. That said, in order to prevent plateauing so much in a month, I must incorporate heart-pumping workouts. That is my solution. I have also been interested in the plantar fasciitus in my left foot and getting rid of it. I am going to focus on that more lately. I can’t do HIIT workouts if my foot is in pain most of the time.

I am proud of myself but I am not happy. I think that will come with time when I am able to juggle more things.

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