A Change in Life: Two Things

Do I like you? Do I know you? Do you know me? Do you like me? Do you know how I have been? I have been upset lately with the things I cannot control. I hate taxes. I hate rent. I hate that I don’t like my jobs. I hate everything it seems. When I come towards you, I don’t want to hate some more. I want to be happy. But happiness is only what you make it. Can I be sure that I will be taken care of? I don’t know. I just need to take care of myself and I cannot do so if I am in a cycle of sadness and constant stress. Stress is making me a different person and I can feel it changing me. A monster with a cape over its head. I am so stressed that I just want to go home and relax. But it doesn’t seem likely. I am so stressed that I have been apologizing for it all the time. I am so stressed, I can only think of my needs and that makes me more stressed when I forget to call someone or something. I just need you more than you can ever imagine. I want you here. I want you with me. I want to know that I am not going to be stressed forever. That I am not going to be the mama with the cash forever. I want to know if you know why I do what I do. If that is why I am the way I am. Understanding me is understanding my stress. Understanding my stress is understanding how to help me. Yes. It is just that difficult. Please don’t make it look easy. It just makes me more stressed.

I am thinking of moving in with someone I don’t really care for. My friend’s ex-boyfriend. Why? Because we both need an apartment because the landlady at my current house is a psycho. My friend (His Ex) is 100% okay with this. I don’t want to get close to this guy. He seems needy ever since the recent break-up, and albeit, very lonely. I need to find out if my boyfriend is okay with this. I have my reservations, but they are mostly monetary and car-related. I don’t want him to think that I am into him or anything. In fact, just the opposite. I just want out of this horrible house. I would rather get my own place, but I know that it would be more expensive, small, lonely and kinda scary. I feel like it should be cheaper for a one-room apartment or at least a studio in this town. With this guy, I can lock myself in my room. It would have its own bath!!! I wouldn’t have to share. I am worried. I just want my own space without the worry. Without the fear. Without the inconsiderate management that I have to talk to every day. If I ask, “How was your day?” she would respond, “Not so good.” I ask every day. What am I supposed to do with a response like that? I have tried everything to console her. But she runs herself in these circles of anger and despair and violence. She is starting to become passive aggressive which is the worst kind. I am a model tenant. At least treat me better than the convict… Sorry I have a life. Sorry I have two jobs. Sorry I have some money. Sorry you suck and are entitled, you crazy bitch. Act your age. Be the reasonable, responsible one. I hate always having to be that person. It’s stressful. I know that she would never change. I know that. I need to leave. Cheap rent isn’t worth this much anguish.

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