It wasn’t love. It was something else. It was that false sense of hope. A false wonderful. You were too fast and too blind. When I spoke you barely listened.
And yet I miss something about you.
Your taste was not the best. Nor your smell. Your mind didn’t always make sense. Your fingernails were down to the nubs and you had tinnitus. You had a leg condition and you were a smoker. You spoke like your religion was better than everything else in the world. You didn’t have the best eating habits.
There was something that I liked.
I knew that you questioned things, but I let it go. I didn’t see the harm in taking the time to savor the moment. You were weak and you couldn’t control your body well. Especially your mouth and hands.
I miss your company.
I questioned if those were lies or what you truly believed. I had put a lot on the line to see you. You told me an intimate feeling reserved for someone you should know better. But I ignored it.
Why did you say that?
I don’t have to deal with this ideal life that you want to lead. I guess I was just jealous of your childhood but that’s it. You couldn’t even break up with me like a man. Yet, you do everything else so easily.
I am upset and angry.
I told you my insecurities. I told you my doubts. But you didn’t listen to them. Just what your member was feeling in the moment. I feel a bit betrayed. A bit hollow. A bit relieved. A bit of sorrow. But I know that the life you want isn’t what I want. There is no compromise with this. With me. You were being an idiot. You said so yourself. I agree.
The only thing I will miss is that how you made the feeling of suicide go away. Like I somehow had a new found purpose, a meaning. Like I wasn’t going to be alone anymore. Like maybe I had a partner to deal with life and its many mysteries. To journey on and find what I am good at. Someone to support me and to hold my hand when the anxiety overcomes me. Say, “Shhh… you will be fine. Here’s a suggestion…” And to just sit quietly next to me. Perfectly in sync, without doing much but breathing…
You were not right for me.