Starbucks: A Human Chew Toy Story

Best chew stick ever.

Best chew stick ever.

Another drink. Another payment. Another fix. I knew that it would be bad to continue this habit- both for my wallet and my caffeine intolerance. But I continue anyway.

Those magnificent green sticks that stop hot liquid from escaping from the cups. Splash sticks, green stoppers, plastic plugs, green whatchamacallits, swizzle stick-stoppers, green plungers, special plugs, anti-escape liquid devices, plastic miracles… all acceptable names for it. (Don’t they all sound like sex toys?) My nickname is “the human chew toy” because I LOVE to chew on it.

Better than gum. Better than last night’s over-cooked steak. Better than the stickiest taffy you have ever had. Better than the actual Starbucks coffee. It is a miracle piece of BPA-filled plastic that satiates the mouth and curves with the white-colored cavity fillings on your teeth. It is almost useless anyway once your hot beverage has reached a certain level of emptiness. What a waste! Why not take the tip of this plastic wonder and move it back and forth against your teeth? Clickity, clack. Clickity, clack. Clickity, clack. Ahh… sweet, soothing sounds… but that is just the first step. Have you ever finished your hot, caffeinated beverage and thought, “Man… My mouth feel dry and I need some water. I don’t want to be dehydrated anyway.” But, alas!  You forgot to order a bright crystal Starbucks cup filled with ice-cold water! Have no fear! Don’t cry in your driver’s seat, fellow addicted citizen! That is what this spectacular green chew toy is for! After the first step of the emanating sounds of the green splash stick satisfyingly click your at your teeth, you are ready for it to touch your tongue! Feel the flat circular end of the splash stick gently cut between your newly dry taste buds. Feel the foreign object remind you of when you were a toddler when your parents screamed at you to remove a plastic toy from your mouth. Reminisce of your childhood vulgarities and smile that mean child’s smile that says, “I don’t give a shit about the germs in my mouth.” Then once you have reached that former Piaget child development stage that you suppress every day: chew, my friend. Chew that pliable green stick. Now, there are no rules to this. Some chew hard, and some hardly chew at all. The key is to chew enough to make you salivate. Oh my! That dried up tongue stained of coffee or tea will delight immediately! That fresh coat of your own spit and/or acidic bile will please the man or woman that chews at this [probably chemically-filled] stick. The green dye starts to fade to a lighter green due to the bending and munching. This is a happy sign for any human. But alas, there is an end to the madness. Friends, parents and co-workers alike might question your ravenous habit on the misshapen green toy. They might give you stares and ask why it has been in your mouth all day. Ignore these people. Have the green stick make you feel like a farmer with a blade of wheat hanging from your mouth reminding you of simpler times of human existence. Or perhaps a gangster with a joint that makes you feel like a badass. When you feel like it is time to rid of your chew toy, do it out of respect for the fallen green sticks everywhere. Throw it away when you start to choke from your excess saliva. Or it starts to displease your partner at your brother’s black tie charity ball. Or if you are just feeling like you need your mouth back to do normal mouth things. (Such as speaking without a lisp or eating solid foods) Just make sure to give your little splash stick a respectful goodbye by imparting a longing “thank you” stare before dropping it gently over your week old bananas and expensive coffee grounds your friend made you buy at that farmers market. Goodbye, my chew toy.

An addiction of happiness. An addiction of serenity. An addiction to Starbucks splash sticks.

P.S. Thanks Internet for letting me steal your dated ideas on what you call the splash sticks. Thank you brain for being addicted enough to Starbucks for inspiring me to make this VERY REAL blog post…

P.S.S. I am not condoning any theft of the splash sticks. Don’t steal away someone else’s primitive happiness in this cruel world that we are forced to live in.

P.S.S.S. Not for children. ANY OF THIS.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s