I am comfortable here. I like my new queen sized bed. I like my bookcases filled with books to read. I like my desk and chair. I like my window with the bay seating. I like my blankets and pillows. I like my laptop. I like my carpet. I like my AC/heating duct placement. I like my track lighting and ceiling fan. I like my walk-in closet and clothes. I like the stuff I fill in my closet. I like listening to my old neighbor walk around the side of his house in the mornings. I like how I can hear the fire engine roar out of the firehouse down the street. I like seeing the military planes test flight right outside my window in the summers. I like how there is never direct sunlight in my room. I like how the air enters my room in the winter. I like how I am comfortable here.
That is the problem. My comfortable room.
Outside this room, I am questioning. I am curious. I am messy. I am subjugated to brutal judgement. I am confused. I am in danger. I am compared. I am less-than. I am out of place. I am craving. I am lonely. I am with others. I am deciding. I am outlandish. I am trying…
But in my room. I am the only person I answer to. I am the only person here. I know where I am. I know myself better than when I am outside my comfort zone. But sometimes, I need to get lost and uncomfortable.
P.S. Went out on a night drive today. I cried when I thought about something sad. I realized that I haven’t cried in a while. These new tears found a newer, grosser way of sliding down my throat. That’s how I knew that I haven’t cried in a while. Kind of a bittersweet feeling.
P.S.S. Watched the rest of Master of None on Netflix. I recommend it. It deals with real-world relationships a lot. I feel like if you saw his last stand up of Netflix, you would have a nice background to his episodes. (Although you kind of wish he had new material on many occasions) Some of the last episodes made me feel like I was watching something extremely staged, but also very intimate. I don’t yet have words to describe this weird visual effect. Also, Aziz Ansari’s parents were cute.