Change of Season Again

Hello world. Hello people. Hello self.

Where do I begin and where do I end? Belonging is such a hassle. Performing is such a hassle. The things I wanted were never found. The things I wanted didn’t turn out what I expected them to be like. Who are you to cheer me up? Who are these people in this crowded world? Why are they here? Why will no one stand next to me? Why will they return back to their secret worlds? I guess that makes me selfish. I am a selfish being to want you. I am a sad being because that was how I was taught. I am a reserved and caged bird with nowhere to fly to. I am trapped beneath a broken heart that has become too, too heavy. I am this imperfect soul trapped with the drones of this world. Here I stand, selfish and heartbroken, just like how I was born. Quiet and loud. Thoughtful and thoughtless. Understanding and unsympathetic. Cold and burning. Small and big. Ugly and cute. Visible and invisible. Neglected and cared for. Words that oppose one another, yet make perfect sense. That is how I am seen. That is who I am. I can never be just one. Never in one category. Never just loved or never just hated. This is it. That explains more than you need to know about me. But where are the people? Where do I go? What do I decide to do? Scattered, nowhere, and nothing. I vomit impatience. I groan for human contact. I thrash to be in another world. Where do I go from here? Who do I go see? What do I want to do? I try to listen. I try to wait. I try to think. I am at my wit’s end. I’ve had it. I decide to weep instead of doing anything useful. I decide that I will no longer want to decide anymore. Not if I keep breaking my mind, my heart, my spirit, my surroundings, my loved ones. I will no longer decide to do anything that causes me to be sad, which seems like a tall order to fill. Maybe the order wasn’t meant to be filled but to be thrown away. Trashed in a worthless bin of failure and resentment.

There is no turning back with these daily thoughts.


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