When I Loved You

Graffiti in Westwood, CA

Graffiti in Westwood, CA

When I loved you, you were the reason my heart skipped beats. You were the reason why my mind was cloudy and illiterate. You were the only thing on my mind. You were the truth and the lies I told myself. When I loved you, it was like I could not make mistakes. When I loved you, wanting to be near you wasn’t an option for me. When I loved you, I asked you a billion questions because I wanted to memorize your existence into a permanent memory. But that was when I loved you.

Now, the love is faded. It has you reduced like a boiling pot of water. The heat will still be there, but the water has evaporated. A gaping, burning hole continues to form after the water vanishes. The smell of burning metal fills my house and there is nothing that can be done until I get the pot off the fire. Right now, I am still running that fire. I can only hope for the best. It’s funny how something so innocent as water started this mess, that unless you watch over it, it starts to grow wild and unsightly-even dangerous. The innocent water fades away. Retreats to the air. Exists in the house before escaping somewhere else.

There is evaporated love that still lingers in my lungs. It shadows itself in what-if scenarios and fantasies of a future that I wanted when we were still together. “Maybe he is the one. The type of guy to support my aspirations and my dreams. Maybe he will be a kind father for our kids- a real role-model. Maybe we will live in a house with neighbors who envy our constant love for one another. Maybe he will surprise me on how mature he becomes without sacrificing his sense of humor. Maybe we will be old together and have kids that love us back and think that we’re the greatest positive influence in their lives. Maybe we will continue to have adventures and surprises even when we can no longer walk.” Lovey thoughts like that. But also very valid to me at the time. It’s hard to realize that that is no longer the option. That the relationship ended and that there is no turning back. What was said was said. What was done was done. There is nothing that you owe each other. Certainly no future together.

In my dreamlike state of love and boiling water, I realize that I was dealing with a human being that was not me. I fear that we were not meant to be in many ways. Even from the beginning. We were either too similar or too different. But that is because I wanted to gauge the relationship first. Give it a chance. But too many chances were given. I was too nice. I was too forgiving. I was angry at you for making me feel this way. In the end, after so long, we decide to no longer be unhappy.

Some days I feel like the easy option is still to keep loving you. It is easier than hating or trying to forget you. Some days I feel like filling that pot of water again and perhaps watching it closer this time. And on the days that I am sane, I think about moving on and finding someone new to start loving.

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