I curse your name into the air around me. I curse the feelings that I have for you. You will not yield to me. You have never yielded to me. How is it that I can function with pure energy day by day? How is it that this crappy lifestyle hasn’t ended already? YOU. It has always been the undecidable you. You want everything but I have never been able to give you everything. You want me to do this and then do that. And then when you get frustrated with this, you quit until the love of doing it again a few months later emerges. I can’t understand you. I can’t hear your words without anxious thoughts. There is no calm when you are so up in the air. But I know this: You will land in many places. You are not just one entity that I can drown in, but more like an unsinkable cruise liner with the coast guard nearby when that time comes. You are my safety when I cannot reach beachy land. You, a necessary struggle. But I am not as strong yet. Yet. Undecidable words.
I worry that I will never find you in this storm.
P.S. I have been wanting to buy VERY expensive things lately.