Introspection

What is the meaning of life?

What a dumb question. The meaning of life is being a good person by doing good things and making sure happiness for yourself and those around you is constant. Religion, philosophy, some ethics and extremists of any kind will try to add to this – a.k.a MY answer to the meaning of life. For all I know the book Angels and Demons by Dan Brown had answered it beautifully without answering it at all. We all get caught up in our own human drama and that it is not like we can’t learn a different way to love and accept one another. Anyway, search over. A new kind of search is selfish now. Less so about the entire human race, but about a single person. In the end, THE question doesn’t generalize itself, but becomes about what is the meaning of my life?

I am writing with a gas fireplace on and a blizzard going on outside. Visibility looks horrible. I can see my car outside collecting the first few inches of snow. I cringe at the thought that I have to brush it all off tomorrow. But… I asked for this. It wasn’t anywhere NEAR like this living in California. In my “Cold Anticipation” blog from a while ago, I discuss that I came here because I felt too hot in heart/mind and that the California sun only made me worse. That was true. But has moving here really made me feel any better? I love the cold and there are moments that I just want to walk right into that blizzard outside and stay there. But I hesitate. I hesitate to try it. I hesitate to open that door and see if I can handle it. After all, it is a dumb idea. So to answer my own question, no, I am not totally happy, but I feel a tiny bit more happy here. But my hesitation plays a role. The fact that I still carry California plates on my car is a big tell about how I am feeling. I feel as though I can move back at any moment. And according to many others in my circle, I SHOULD move back. My cousin asked me why I came to Colorado. He tells me that it was not his interest but mostly his mother’s interest. Why I had left my whole life behind to come to a different state and work a low paying job at a major retailer? Was it worry? Concern? He was the first to really be so interested without pushing that I get a better job/life plan. There are three reasons why I left California. Three reasons that make me feel depressed year-round. None of the reasons deal with work, or school, or money. I feel like no one will ever know all three. I don’t understand them myself. Were they good reasons? Maybe…

I do wish that I had someone to share this with. I wish I had someone to share my Colorado experience. Like it feels wasted on me that I do so little. I get tips all the time at work but I never get a chance to do them because I didn’t want to do it alone. Imagine showing up at a popular restaurant and getting a table for one. I see movies alone but I will not go out to eat alone. There is so much to do and see and I here I am huddling in my cave.

If my family is right about something, it is about finding another job. My current job made me unhappy today. Just out of the blue. Took me by surprise.

I freeze in this snowy blizzard. I will freeze in place and time…

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